For those familiar with my story, you might surmise a little bit of the baggage Iโve been carrying with me my whole life. Iโll be sparing you the details lest I burden you with the emotional weight, and focusing on my experience + what led me there. Just prior to leaving for Arizona, where this healing retreat was held, I felt like I had a metaphorical ticking time bomb inside me, just waiting to detonate. Despite my best efforts to โself helpโ my way into a balanced mental state, I was continually facing despair due to my earnest desire to โbe the changeโ I wished to see in the world - and not having those efforts reciprocated in some of my closest personal relationships. This combined with my hyper empathetic instincts and betrayal towards myself to avoid โhurting feelingsโ kind of led to the perfect storm of mental, emotional, and ultimately physical instability. One thing that surprised me the most when I was finally isolated from the world in the desert, no phone, no internet, no distractions from the work we were doing - was reviewing one of my journals I had brought with me, hoping for some clarity by reading words from my past. I thought that what had led me to S.T.A.R. was recent developments in my life - inauthentic relationships due to my noble efforts of being a positive influence (spoiler alert, this well meaning idea backfired miserably), instinctual habits or obligations I felt chained to. Despite my VERY strong convictions about telling my loved ones to live life on THEIR terms, abandoning any feelings of obligation & guilt shown by others for โstepping out of lineโ, so to speak - it turns out I havenโt been following my own advice. I came to S.T.A.R. feeling trapped in a prison made of my own decisions, with no escape due to the fear I held of letting other people down. Just earlier this month of April, I was experiencing panic attacks due to anxiety, inability to contain my emotions & a lot of hopelessness considering โhealingโ has been my number one priority for the past year. I thought it was all due to the decline of empathy & common sense in the U.S. brought out by this god-forsaken government, but it turns out the root cause came from a much, MUCH deeper place - one that all the self help books, YouTube videos & trauma healing modalities would have unfortunately never unpacked for me. As I mentioned, I brought along a journal that Iโve been jotting down entries in since 2019. Upon reviewing my words, I was surprised to read how unstable my mental state has actually been, all throughout the last almost DECADE. Another piece of the puzzle was my intentional skipping of processing my late husband Alexโs sudden death in 2017. After learning via lecture at the beginning of our week at STAR how deeply trauma affects you mentally & physically, things were starting to click fast. No wonder fatigue has been an issue Iโve dealt with my whole life. No wonder I donโt have memories of my early childhood. No wonder I feel the need to please others in order to receive love. No wonder betraying myself in order to build a community has caused such a disruption in my emotional state. No wonder despite living my dream life (as so stated in my journal!!), I was still not โhappy.โ Footnote: two things can be true. I have been very happy, and I have been very sad, angry, and empty. For many, many, many years now. Honestly, the lecture part of STAR was eye opening enough to where I thought I was able to review my life & piece together why I was feeling like such an emotional hot mess. But something you may not know, and may not even KNOW you donโt know, is how much MORE there is to processing, understanding, and overcoming your trauma. Coming to peace with it. Letting it go. It doesnโt happen in the brain. It happens in the body, and in the heart. And for some people, like myself, weโve either been raised to avoid any expression of emotion, or โnegative emotionโ (ex: anger, sadness) and therefore it truly took an exhausting amount of inner & outer work with my classmates, my facilitators, and myself to unblock the emotional dam I built & fortified over 34 years in order to survive. Breaking down the barrier within my body to express emotions in the company of strangers of sadness and anger was something SO FOREIGN to me that I was a little nervous at first whether Iโd even be able to do - despite my desperate desire to do so, after learning that there was a way out of my emotional prison. This is where I want to give all the kudos & gratitude towards the STAR program, my fellow STARmates, & the incredible facilitators who helped to unlock within me what I desperately needed. I wonโt spoil the details of the work done inside the program, because going in to it a bit blind yet wholly receptive & open minded is what Iโd recommend to anyone considering it. When you know details, you have the time to talk yourself out of it, or THINK your way out of itโฆand Iโve now learned that the magic happens when you stop thinking, and just do the work. Like jumping into a cold body of water, I came into this experience knowing it was not going to be pleasant, and I was going to need a LOT of encouragement & support. But Iโm so glad I did. โLose your mindโฆand come to your senses.โ The STAR program, created by baddie diva forever hallowed be her name - Barbara - is the result of decades of research done on how our thoughts, behaviors, actions, everything - is consciously and subconsciously affected by EVERYTHING we experience since conception, birth, upbringing by our parents / caregivers. An excerpt from the STAR website here, describing the work we were led through during the process: โAlong the path to your true self, you will be gently guided through cognitive exercises, integrative breathwork, emotional release work, journaling, guided imagery, intensive writing assignments, and more, all designed to reveal patterns that may directly or indirectly affect how you live today.โ After attending the program and working through these exercises myself, I smile as I continue to write, because that single sentence does technically sum up what we all did together over 8 days, but itโs impossible to convey the profound enlightenment, clarity, and peace that came from my work at STAR. How do you put into words the feeling of finally understanding WHO you are, why you do the things you do (especially when those things HURT you), receiving validation for the pain youโve carried deep in your core since childhood, the closure of finally knowing that it wasnโt your fault - and learning why & how to care for yourself & your inner child that is still within you - back in your โrealโ life? Thatโs a trick question. Itโs not possible. One of the most impactful takeaways for me, that came from STAR, was about how emotions, feelings, connection, and imperfection are what make us human. They are impossible to convey via lecture, via conversation, via intellectual analysis. And thatโs not a weakness. That is beautiful. In our modern times where computers are where society is driving reliance upon, occasions for authentic human connection are dwindling in favor of cheap dopamine hits compounding exponentially due to capitalism & (in my opinion) the insistance that we are sooo different from our indigenous ancestorsโฆjumping into the deep end of the emotional & philosophical pool was the glass of water so many of our souls are thirsting for. Looking into othersโ eyes, and therefore hearts, hearing their darkest fears & heartbreaks, hopes and dreams, witnessing their tears and screams and feeling our collective efforts to complete the assignments that would unveil who our innermost selves are - it was something I will never forget, in this lifetime or the next ones we will forever be experiencing. Attending the STAR program helped me to uncover my past traumas, & connect them to why I was engaging in behaviors that, however noble, were serving to poison myself from the inside out. โWe are every age we have ever been.โ I was guided and prompted to physiologically feel the searing, painful emotions and feelings those memories caused me, by reliving them and dissecting every part of them with the safest, kindest humans as my parachute. I was taught to recognize and release those physical emotions from my body, in order to keep them from taking over & driving the car that is my life - and to prevent them from being bottled up so deeply within me. You donโt want to do that. Trust me. They will find a way to come out some wayโฆ.and it likely wonโt be in a way that serves you. I was taught to recognize the different parts of my psyche, the good and bad. And how this is also the beauty of our humanity, and how we have the power within to acknowledge and refrain from affirming the harmful parts of us we all contain. And how we are not defined by them, no matter how it feels. We learned the importance of creativity, curiosity, wonder, and play. We practiced using our newfound skills in scenarios weโd likely experience when back in the โrealโ world, with our new friends to help us test out new phrases, actions, and choices aligned with the people we now want to be. We received encouragement & recognition for our sorrows & struggles that led us each to STAR, & found support from strangers that re-instilled in me some hope for humanity. I learned how being true to myself & doing what I need to feel loved & in alignment is no one elseโs responsibility but my own, and how thatโs actually a beautiful thing to fight for. I was guided through ways to let go of past & present injustices Iโve faced, to relinquish guilt or responsibility for the habits Iโve held as a means of emotional survival. We learned how everything we learned was just the beginning, albeit a foundation I wish every human on Earth could build for themselves. Now as I begin anew, truly f
