The RISE to Intimacy Podcast | Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy & Relationships

Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Sexuality
  • Weekly

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

  1. 6d ago

    Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment

    You say yes to something your partner asks, even though you really want to say no. Maybe you're trying to avoid an argument, or you're worried they'll be disappointed or upset with you. So you tell yourself it's not a big deal and agree anyway. It feels like the easiest choice in the moment, especially when you don't know how your partner might react if you were honest. The wish that you'd said no doesn't just disappear, though. Each time you agree to something you don't really want, a little more resentment can build until one day, something small pushes you over the edge. Your partner is completely caught off guard because you've been telling them everything is fine. They've been taking your yes at face value, while you've been assuming they should have known you didn't mean it. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how these small, unspoken noes can quietly create resentment in your relationship. We'll look at the difference between saying yes because you genuinely want to and saying yes because you're bracing for your partner's reaction. I also share five steps to help you start being more honest about what you want and give your partner the opportunity to respond to what you're actually feeling.\ 1:36 – The most common response for why clients let their resentment silently build 4:59 – How saying yes to avoid conflict can end up costing you peace and add to your resentment 7:03 – Two reasons why we say yes in a relationship, and how each impacts your partnership 9:16 – The many reasons behind the unspoken no 10:39 – Check your reason before you respond by asking yourself this question first 11:13 – Beyond the yes or no choice: the in-between answers that take the pressure off  11:48 – How to practice saying no in low-stakes situations 13:29 – How to bring up a no you’ve been holding for a while without making it sound like an accusation 13:57 – What to do when you’re genuinely saying yes to something 14:28 – Two reactions when your partner tells you they’ve been holding things in, and how to react without derailing the conversation  Mentioned In Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them Sign up for The Quickie Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment

  2. Oct 20

    How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down

    You're struggling with your sex life, you're desperately missing your partner, and every time you try to talk about it, they change the subject, get irritated, or simply stay silent. Eventually, you stop bringing it up, even though the wanting hasn't gone away. In that silence, your mind starts filling in the gaps with assumptions you haven't checked for accuracy, leaving you wondering whether you're incompatible, whether your partner still loves you, or whether this is the beginning of the end. When your partner won't talk about sex, it's easy to start treating their silence as proof that something is wrong with your relationship. You may not realize how much your own beliefs about sex and compatibility are shaping those conclusions, or that your partner may be carrying an entirely different story about what's happening between you. Meanwhile, you may be grieving the sexual connection you once had, or the one you hoped you'd have together, while still sharing your everyday life with your partner. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how our beliefs about sex and compatibility shape the way we respond when intimacy becomes difficult, and why your partner might be avoiding the conversation altogether. I share ways to recognize and reframe the assumptions you're making so you can approach your partner with more curiosity and less pressure. We also talk about the grief that can come with losing sexual connection and how to think about the future of your relationship if you've made a genuine effort to address what's happening and your partner still won't engage. 2:28 – The beliefs about sex and compatibility that shape your response when intimacy gets difficult 4:16 – Treating your partner's silence as evidence that your relationship is failing 5:04 – What research reveals about sexual satisfaction and believing your sex life can improve 6:28 – The fears that may be making conversations about sex difficult for your partner 7:55 – Recognizing and reframing the assumptions you're making about your partner's silence 9:11 – Inviting your partner to talk about sex without creating pressure 10:32 – Grieving the loss of sexual connection while you're still together 12:41 – Deciding whether you're sexually incompatible when your partner won't discuss your sex life 14:06 – Setting boundaries and considering whether you can still feel fulfilled in your relationship Mentioned In How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down

  3. Oct 13

    Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them

    You bring up something small with your partner. Maybe it’s the trash that still hasn’t gone out, something they shared in front of friends, or a moment where you felt dismissed. You’re trying to talk about one specific thing, and suddenly you’re hearing, “I can’t do anything right.” When your partner gets defensive like this, the conversation can quickly shift away from what you were actually trying to address. Sometimes the way something is brought up does matter. Leading with “you always” or “you never,” criticizing your partner’s character, or telling them how they made you feel can set them up to go on the defense. Other times, even when you bring something up carefully, your partner may still experience the complaint as a threat to who they are, and that can show up as denying, rationalizing, shutting down, or moving into a shame spiral. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why defensiveness can take over a conversation even when you’re trying to communicate carefully. I talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism, what happens when feedback starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self, and how attachment can affect the way you respond. I also share what each of you can do differently so the original concern actually gets addressed instead of turning into a second conflict layered on top of the first. 3:41 – Tone and delivery mistakes that can put your partner on the defensive 5:00 – The difference between a complaint and a criticism 7:59 – When defensiveness causes the original issue to get lost 10:46 – “Spitting versus chewing” and reflexively rejecting feedback 11:50 – What a shame spiral looks like in a relationship 15:54 – Identity threat and why feedback can feel personal 16:46 – Anxious and avoidant attachment responses to feedback 18:52 – Acknowledgment, validation, and mirroring to reduce defensiveness Mentioned In Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them

  4. Oct 6

    Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

    You can be talking to your partner about the same relationship and interpret the conversation completely differently. I learned that recently when I told my partner, Dallas, I was feeling disconnected and found out he heard that very differently than I intended it. Neither of us knew there was a misunderstanding until we actually talked about what that word meant to each of us. While I spend my days talking about sex and relationships as a couples therapist, Dallas didn’t grow up talking about feelings and certainly didn’t learn to do it during his time in the Marine Corps. We have very different levels of comfort with some of these conversations, so we’ve had to keep talking through what we each mean and what we need from each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to answer relationship questions about sex and connection from Reddit. We start with aftercare and what partners may need from each other after sex, then get into emotional connection and why deeper conversations can feel so uncomfortable. We also share how these conversations have shown up in our own relationship and what we’ve learned from having them together. 1:13 - Answering Reddit relationship questions with Valerie’s partner, Dallas 3:06 - What aftercare can look like and how to ask your partner what they want after sex 6:06 - How Valerie and Dallas realized they meant very different things by “feeling disconnected” 10:02 - What someone may mean when they need emotional connection before sex 13:26 - Can you get an avoidant partner to have deeper, more honest conversations? 15:45 - How Dallas became more comfortable talking about feelings and vulnerability 18:41 - Why difficult conversations trigger defensiveness and how responding gently can build trust 19:51 - What happened when Dallas shared something deeply vulnerable with Valerie 22:19 - How deeper communication changed the way Dallas experiences their relationship Mentioned In Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection How Erectile Dysfunction Is a Nervous System Response Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection

  5. Sep 29

    Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

    You found porn on your partner’s phone, and now you’re wondering if watching porn is cheating or if you’re overreacting. Or maybe you’re the one whose partner found it, and you genuinely don’t understand why something you never considered cheating suddenly feels like betrayal to them. Either way, you can end up arguing about a question neither of you ever actually said out loud. That’s why couples can so easily talk past each other when it comes to porn. One person is focused on the fact that no touching happened and no one else was in the room. The other is focused on sexual arousal happening outside the relationship and the fact that it was kept from them. When you’ve never talked about what porn means in your relationship, that silence can create a gap between what each of you thought you had agreed to. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down three common myths about porn in relationships, including whether it counts as cheating, whether it harms relationships, and whether regular use means addiction. I also explain what the research actually tells us about when porn creates problems and how to have the conversation that may have needed to happen much earlier. 3:19 - Myth #1: watching porn is either always cheating or never cheating 4:33 - The unspoken assumption almost every couple carries about porn 5:26 - Myth #2: watching porn is bad for relationships across the board 6:40 - The pattern that predicts whether porn will harm your relationship 7:26 - Myth #3: watching porn means you have or are developing an addiction 8:55 - The biggest predictor of whether someone believes they're "addicted" to porn 10:23 - Three things that tie all these myths together (and actually do the relationship damage that porn gets blamed for) 11:54 - Four tips on how you can have a real conversation about porn in your relationship with your partner Mentioned In Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship?

  6. Sep 22

    Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

    You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument. Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other. 2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem 5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner 7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin 9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder 11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection 13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship 15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship 16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy Mentioned In Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?

  7. Sep 15

    Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

    You can still love your partner, function well together, and somehow end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you do everything together and have trouble functioning as two separate people. Or maybe you’ve become so independent that you divide the responsibilities, stay out of each other’s way, and rarely talk about what’s actually happening beneath the surface. These relationships can look completely different from the outside, but both can lose the balance between closeness and individuality. One can become so focused on togetherness that the people inside the relationship start losing touch with themselves. The other can become so emotionally separate that both partners know each other’s schedules, but not necessarily each other’s inner worlds. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how differentiation can help us understand why couples start feeling more like roommates than partners. I walk through fusion and emotional cutoff, the signs these patterns may be showing up in your relationship, and how maintaining both individuality and emotional connection can create more room for curiosity, vulnerability, and intimacy. 2:37 - How differentiation helps explain why some couples start feeling more like roommates than partners 4:56 - What fusion looks like when keeping the peace starts costing you a clear sense of self 6:29 - How losing individuality can drain energy, curiosity, and passion from a relationship 8:06 - What emotional cutoff looks like when independence becomes distance 10:45 - Five signs that differentiation may be part of your roommate dynamic 12:52 - Why simply spending more time together or more time apart may not solve the problem 13:19 - How to express your own preferences without creating more disconnection 13:56 - What to do when your partner’s emotions start taking over your own experience 14:54 - Rebuilding individuality without using independence as an escape from the relationship 15:26 - How to let your partner know you again and create more shared growth 16:33 - Why long-term partners need to keep discovering who each other is becoming 17:23 - What balance between closeness and individuality can make possible for intimacy Mentioned In Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners

  8. Sep 8

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner

    Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again. This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past. 2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma 5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place 6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong 10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner 14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response 15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma 18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship Mentioned In When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner
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5
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About

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

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