The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Sexuality
  • Updated Weekly

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

  1. Why TikTok Therapy Advice Is Hurting Your Relationship

    4d ago

    Why TikTok Therapy Advice Is Hurting Your Relationship

    You're in the middle of a conflict with your partner, but instead of turning toward them, you turn toward your phone. Within minutes, you've watched three videos, found a comment section that agrees with everything you're feeling, and now you have a word for what your partner is doing to you…or do you? The flood of mental health content on platforms like TikTok feels like progress on the surface, but it's doing real damage underneath. Clinical language gets stripped of its context, handed to an algorithm, and packaged as a 60-second verdict on your relationship. And a lot of what's being passed around as insight is actually accelerating conflict, pathologizing normal disagreements, and teaching people to replace conversation with consumption. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I reveal the four biggest ways I see TikTok therapy content damaging real couples. I also share five concrete things you can start doing to change how you use it (without needing to delete it). 2:10 – Why the most viral mental health content is rarely the most accurate 5:23 – How therapy language gets weaponized in relationships 9:04 – How TikTok's algorithm feeds your worst relationship fears 10:51 – Why one-size-fits-all advice fails infinitely complex relationships 12:46 – What happens when consuming content about your relationship replaces being in it 14:04 – Five things you can do to change how you engage with relationship content online Mentioned In Why TikTok Therapy Advice Is Hurting Your Relationship Esther Perel | Books |  Where Should We Begin? Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    23 min
  2. The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy

    May 26

    The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy

    You’re the easygoing, low-maintenance one who keeps the peace. You’ve probably spent years being this way, but what if it’s costing you the connection you crave in your relationship? Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze. But the fawn response is the one that flies under the radar, because it doesn't look like a problem. It looks like being a good partner. You say yes when you mean no, you minimize your feelings before they even leave your mouth, and you prioritize your partner's comfort over your own needs. But fawning isn't your personality. It's a survival strategy your nervous system learned, and over time it quietly erodes the intimacy you're working so hard to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down what fawning actually is, how it connects to self-silencing and attachment patterns, and why the fawn response shows up in your sex life in ways you might not expect. I also share practical ways to start shifting this pattern without overwhelming your nervous system. 1:07 – What the fawn response is and how it connects to self-silencing 3:50 – How fawning overlaps with anxious attachment and emotional suppression 6:01 – What sexual fawning looks like and why it leads to low desire and avoidance 6:59 – The relational dynamic fawning creates and why your partner may not see it 9:11 – Why you can't force yourself out of fawning and what to do instead 10:54 – Tracking emotions in your body and redefining what safety means in relationships Mentioned In The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy  Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    15 min
  3. Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

    May 19

    Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

    You've told your partner what you need. Maybe you've told them a hundred times, and nothing changes. So at some point, you stopped asking. You stopped being vulnerable. You stopped fighting for it. And somewhere in that silence, a story started forming that says, “They don't care. They never will, and maybe this relationship is too far gone to fix.” That resentment doesn't announce itself. It builds slowly through dismissed comments, unresolved arguments, and years of swallowing your needs until you forget why you even had them. It quietly rewires how you see your partner, until you're no longer responding to the person in front of you but to the story you've built about them. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down why resentment is the most underestimated threat to long-term relationships and sexual desire. I share how it fundamentally changes the way you interpret your partner’s actions, what it's actually trying to tell you, and what it takes for both partners to move through it before emotional distance becomes the new normal. 2:15 – How resentment stops being about a situation gone wrong and becomes a hardened story about your partner 3:57 – One of the most frustrating ways resentment shows up 4:46 – Example of how unprocessed hurt can move partners into avoidance, retaliation, and conflict 8:13 – How one painful moment can quietly expand into a verdict about your entire relationship 9:52 – What to do (and what not to do) when resentment starts building up 11:02 – What it looks and sounds like when both partners engage in repairing conflict and misunderstandings 15:47 – What your resentment toward your partner is trying to tell you Mentioned In Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    18 min
  4. Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

    May 12

    Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

    You can orgasm just fine on your own. So why does it feel almost impossible with a partner in the room? If this is something you've quietly wrestled with, you're not the only one. Research shows about 58% of women find orgasm easier through masturbation than partnered sex, and the same pattern shows up for men. This has very little to do with your body's capability and almost everything to do with what's happening in your mind and your nervous system when someone else is in the sexual space with you. The moment another person enters the equation, your brain shifts gears. You go from being in your body to being in your head. You start monitoring, analyzing, bracing for the thing you're afraid of, and that internal noise drowns out the very signals your body needs to build arousal and reach orgasm. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why your body can orgasm on its own but shut down the moment a partner enters the picture. I walk through the most common barriers I see in my practice, including performance pressure, body image, shame, and trauma, and share five research-backed strategies you can start using today. You'll learn what your body is asking for when orgasm feels out of reach, and what it actually needs to feel safe enough to let go.2:22 – The well-researched phenomenon that’s silently hijacking your arousal during sex with a partner 5:26 – The cycle that starts with one bad experience and can quietly reshape how you approach every sexual encounter that comes after it 8:39 – The most common barriers that prevent people from reaching orgasm with a partner 13:09 – Cycle-breaking strategy #1: Directed masturbation and how to translate those cues to your lover 15:22 – Strategy #2: Mindfulness intervention and what it actually looks like during sex 17:03 – Strategy #3: How to regulate your nervous system before and during sex so your body can prioritize pleasure, not survival 18:48 – Strategy #4: The Sensate Focus process that takes the "target" of orgasm off the table and treats a wide range of sexual difficulties 20:49 – Strategy #5: How to lean into your desire, attraction, and connection to your partner Mentioned In Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    25 min
  5. Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait

    May 5

    Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait

    You've been in a sexless relationship for months, maybe years, and you have no idea where to begin to find your way back. You've read the books. You know what you're supposed to do differently. But nothing changes, and you can't help how you feel. What you're up against isn't a communication problem. It's a pattern that started in your mind long before it showed up in the bedroom, and it's now running on autopilot. The thoughts you have about your partner create chemical reactions in your body, those reactions become emotions, and those emotions drive the behaviors that keep the cycle going. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through the neuroscience of why these patterns become so automatic in a sexless relationship and why waiting to address them makes them harder to change. I explain how cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroplasticity research, and the thinking-feeling loop all point to the same conclusion about how relational patterns get built and broken. You'll learn what's happening in your nervous system when you and your partner repeat the same fight, and three things you can start practicing today to begin interrupting the cycle. 2:59 – The specific cognitive pattern that does more damage to relationship satisfaction than the conflict itself 5:52 – The biochemical loop that makes rejection feel like your baseline reality 8:29 – How mindfulness practices help you shift your internal state before engaging with an angry partner 11:22 – Why will alone isn't enough to break the cycle and how just 30 seconds can physically alter your brain 13:28 – What the data shows about waiting years to address the constantly repeating patterns that’ve led to your sexless relationship 16:00 – Three practical steps you can start today to interrupt the cycle from the inside out Mentioned In Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts with Emotional Regulation How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame What Actually Happens in Sex Therapy?  The Neuroscience of Goals and Behavior Change Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    20 min
  6. Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else

    Apr 28

    Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else

    You're talking to your partner, and they glance at their phone or sigh at the wrong moment, and suddenly your whole body tenses up. Maybe you start yelling, or you shut down and want to get out of the room. Later, you're lying in bed replaying it, wondering why your partner triggers you so easily, or worse, whether you're the problem for reacting the way you did. You're not the problem, and this isn't about the sigh. When your partner triggers you, your nervous system is responding to something much older than the moment in front of you. Romantic relationships activate your attachment system more than any other relationship in your life, which is why the person you love the most often has a direct line to your oldest wounds. The closer you get to someone, the more those old patterns come to the surface. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I talk about why your partner seems to trigger you more than anyone else in your life and what you can actually do about it. I share real examples from my practice, the science of why old wounds resurface in close relationships, and five steps you can start practicing when you feel yourself getting pulled into the cycle. Getting triggered in your relationship isn't a sign that something's wrong with you or with your partner. It's a sign that something inside you is ready to heal. 00:52 – Why a small moment can create a reaction that feels much bigger than the situation itself 2:20 – How childhood experiences quietly shape your expectations for relationships in adulthood 4:27 – The psychological phenomenon that draws you toward partners who mirror your early caregivers 5:25 – How couples can get locked into repeating cycles without realizing they are responding to old patterns 9:40 – Five steps to break the cycle of reacting to old wounds when trying to connect with your partner 14:25 – What being triggered by the person you love most means about you and your relationship Mentioned In Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Dr. Joe Dispenza An Introduction to Interpersonal Neurobiology | Dr. Dan Siegel The Neurosequential Network | Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    17 min
  7. What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You

    Apr 21

    What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You

    Polyamory often gets framed as a mindset shift, a philosophical reimagining of love, freedom, and connection. But your nervous system doesn't care about your philosophy. It just knows your partner is with someone else, and your chest is tight, and your stomach is turning. Jealousy in polyamory doesn't mean you chose the wrong structure or the wrong partner. It means you're human. The question isn't whether jealousy shows up — it will — but whether you have the skills to work with it instead of react from it. Because without those skills, even the most thoughtful relationship agreements start to crack. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what the research actually says about jealousy in polyamorous relationships, why emotional regulation is the skill that determines whether non-monogamy works for you, and how compersion develops, not as a personality trait, but as something that grows when the relational environment is safe. I also share real examples from my practice and practical tools you can use, including for the moments when your partner isn't available to co-regulate with you. 1:53 – What emotional regulation is, and what research says about it and polyamory 4:33 – Comparison to emotional regulation in monogamous relationships 5:59 – Why emotional regulation is a relational skill, not just an individual one 7:59 – How jealousy can become useful information that leads to a deeper understanding between partners 11:49 – Other benefits of practicing nervous system regulation in polyamorous relationships 14:53 – Four consequences of not building and cultivating emotional regulation within this relationship structure 19:27 – Five practical tips for building your nervous system regulation skills Mentioned In What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    25 min
  8. Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event

    Apr 14

    Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event

    You may have had one big conversation about opening your relationship and assumed that was enough. Or you haven't been able to have the first one yet because you don't know how to start without derailing it before it goes anywhere. Either way, communication in polyamorous relationships is where things most often break down, and it's rarely because people aren't willing to talk. What feels okay to agree to in theory doesn't always hold once you're living it. Agreements that made sense six months ago stop fitting, and jealousy, when it shows up, needs its own conversation rather than being pushed through or explained away. If you're not in the habit of returning to these conversations, resentment starts building in the gap between what you said you were okay with and what you're actually experiencing. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what communication in a polyamorous relationship actually has to look like. I cover the specific conversations about structure, expectations, and jealousy that need to happen more than once, the fear that stops people before they even begin, and what I've seen in my practice when these conversations happen well and when they don't. 0:55 – Why this episode applies to monogamous couples too 2:57 – What effective communication in a polyamorous relationship actually requires 4:08 – What happens when couples assume they're on the same page and stop checking in 4:58 – Jealousy, compersion, and what to do when your nervous system signals a threat 6:08 – The fear that stops people before the first conversation begins 8:20 – What to get clear on before you try to have the conversation 8:53 – Two clinical examples of what it costs when these conversations don't happen 11:04 – What Valerie learned from her own time practicing polyamory 12:29 – Questions to work through with your partner when considering polyamory 16:20 – Why emotional regulation is the prerequisite for every hard conversation Mentioned In Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    19 min
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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

Information

  • Creator
    Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • Years Active
    2K
  • Episodes
    21
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 The RISE to Intimacy Podcast
  • Show Website
    The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

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