The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • 5.0 (13)
  • SEXUALITY
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

  1. Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

    1D AGO

    Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner

    You can orgasm just fine on your own. So why does it feel almost impossible with a partner in the room? If this is something you've quietly wrestled with, you're not the only one. Research shows about 58% of women find orgasm easier through masturbation than partnered sex, and the same pattern shows up for men. This has very little to do with your body's capability and almost everything to do with what's happening in your mind and your nervous system when someone else is in the sexual space with you. The moment another person enters the equation, your brain shifts gears. You go from being in your body to being in your head. You start monitoring, analyzing, bracing for the thing you're afraid of, and that internal noise drowns out the very signals your body needs to build arousal and reach orgasm. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why your body can orgasm on its own but shut down the moment a partner enters the picture. I walk through the most common barriers I see in my practice, including performance pressure, body image, shame, and trauma, and share five research-backed strategies you can start using today. You'll learn what your body is asking for when orgasm feels out of reach, and what it actually needs to feel safe enough to let go.2:22 – The well-researched phenomenon that’s silently hijacking your arousal during sex with a partner 5:26 – The cycle that starts with one bad experience and can quietly reshape how you approach every sexual encounter that comes after it 8:39 – The most common barriers that prevent people from reaching orgasm with a partner 13:09 – Cycle-breaking strategy #1: Directed masturbation and how to translate those cues to your lover 15:22 – Strategy #2: Mindfulness intervention and what it actually looks like during sex 17:03 – Strategy #3: How to regulate your nervous system before and during sex so your body can prioritize pleasure, not survival 18:48 – Strategy #4: The Sensate Focus process that takes the "target" of orgasm off the table and treats a wide range of sexual difficulties 20:49 – Strategy #5: How to lean into your desire, attraction, and connection to your partner Mentioned In Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    25 min
  2. Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait

    MAY 5

    Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait

    You've been in a sexless relationship for months, maybe years, and you have no idea where to begin to find your way back. You've read the books. You know what you're supposed to do differently. But nothing changes, and you can't help how you feel. What you're up against isn't a communication problem. It's a pattern that started in your mind long before it showed up in the bedroom, and it's now running on autopilot. The thoughts you have about your partner create chemical reactions in your body, those reactions become emotions, and those emotions drive the behaviors that keep the cycle going. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through the neuroscience of why these patterns become so automatic in a sexless relationship and why waiting to address them makes them harder to change. I explain how cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroplasticity research, and the thinking-feeling loop all point to the same conclusion about how relational patterns get built and broken. You'll learn what's happening in your nervous system when you and your partner repeat the same fight, and three things you can start practicing today to begin interrupting the cycle. 2:59 – The specific cognitive pattern that does more damage to relationship satisfaction than the conflict itself 5:52 – The biochemical loop that makes rejection feel like your baseline reality 8:29 – How mindfulness practices help you shift your internal state before engaging with an angry partner 11:22 – Why will alone isn't enough to break the cycle and how just 30 seconds can physically alter your brain 13:28 – What the data shows about waiting years to address the constantly repeating patterns that’ve led to your sexless relationship 16:00 – Three practical steps you can start today to interrupt the cycle from the inside out Mentioned In Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts with Emotional Regulation How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame What Actually Happens in Sex Therapy?  The Neuroscience of Goals and Behavior Change Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    20 min
  3. Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else

    APR 28

    Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else

    You're talking to your partner, and they glance at their phone or sigh at the wrong moment, and suddenly your whole body tenses up. Maybe you start yelling, or you shut down and want to get out of the room. Later, you're lying in bed replaying it, wondering why your partner triggers you so easily, or worse, whether you're the problem for reacting the way you did. You're not the problem, and this isn't about the sigh. When your partner triggers you, your nervous system is responding to something much older than the moment in front of you. Romantic relationships activate your attachment system more than any other relationship in your life, which is why the person you love the most often has a direct line to your oldest wounds. The closer you get to someone, the more those old patterns come to the surface. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I talk about why your partner seems to trigger you more than anyone else in your life and what you can actually do about it. I share real examples from my practice, the science of why old wounds resurface in close relationships, and five steps you can start practicing when you feel yourself getting pulled into the cycle. Getting triggered in your relationship isn't a sign that something's wrong with you or with your partner. It's a sign that something inside you is ready to heal. 00:52 – Why a small moment can create a reaction that feels much bigger than the situation itself 2:20 – How childhood experiences quietly shape your expectations for relationships in adulthood 4:27 – The psychological phenomenon that draws you toward partners who mirror your early caregivers 5:25 – How couples can get locked into repeating cycles without realizing they are responding to old patterns 9:40 – Five steps to break the cycle of reacting to old wounds when trying to connect with your partner 14:25 – What being triggered by the person you love most means about you and your relationship Mentioned In Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Dr. Joe Dispenza An Introduction to Interpersonal Neurobiology | Dr. Dan Siegel The Neurosequential Network | Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    17 min
  4. What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You

    APR 21

    What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You

    Polyamory often gets framed as a mindset shift, a philosophical reimagining of love, freedom, and connection. But your nervous system doesn't care about your philosophy. It just knows your partner is with someone else, and your chest is tight, and your stomach is turning. Jealousy in polyamory doesn't mean you chose the wrong structure or the wrong partner. It means you're human. The question isn't whether jealousy shows up — it will — but whether you have the skills to work with it instead of react from it. Because without those skills, even the most thoughtful relationship agreements start to crack. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what the research actually says about jealousy in polyamorous relationships, why emotional regulation is the skill that determines whether non-monogamy works for you, and how compersion develops, not as a personality trait, but as something that grows when the relational environment is safe. I also share real examples from my practice and practical tools you can use, including for the moments when your partner isn't available to co-regulate with you. 1:53 – What emotional regulation is, and what research says about it and polyamory 4:33 – Comparison to emotional regulation in monogamous relationships 5:59 – Why emotional regulation is a relational skill, not just an individual one 7:59 – How jealousy can become useful information that leads to a deeper understanding between partners 11:49 – Other benefits of practicing nervous system regulation in polyamorous relationships 14:53 – Four consequences of not building and cultivating emotional regulation within this relationship structure 19:27 – Five practical tips for building your nervous system regulation skills Mentioned In What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    25 min
  5. Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event

    APR 14

    Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event

    You may have had one big conversation about opening your relationship and assumed that was enough. Or you haven't been able to have the first one yet because you don't know how to start without derailing it before it goes anywhere. Either way, communication in polyamorous relationships is where things most often break down, and it's rarely because people aren't willing to talk. What feels okay to agree to in theory doesn't always hold once you're living it. Agreements that made sense six months ago stop fitting, and jealousy, when it shows up, needs its own conversation rather than being pushed through or explained away. If you're not in the habit of returning to these conversations, resentment starts building in the gap between what you said you were okay with and what you're actually experiencing. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what communication in a polyamorous relationship actually has to look like. I cover the specific conversations about structure, expectations, and jealousy that need to happen more than once, the fear that stops people before they even begin, and what I've seen in my practice when these conversations happen well and when they don't. 0:55 – Why this episode applies to monogamous couples too 2:57 – What effective communication in a polyamorous relationship actually requires 4:08 – What happens when couples assume they're on the same page and stop checking in 4:58 – Jealousy, compersion, and what to do when your nervous system signals a threat 6:08 – The fear that stops people before the first conversation begins 8:20 – What to get clear on before you try to have the conversation 8:53 – Two clinical examples of what it costs when these conversations don't happen 11:04 – What Valerie learned from her own time practicing polyamory 12:29 – Questions to work through with your partner when considering polyamory 16:20 – Why emotional regulation is the prerequisite for every hard conversation Mentioned In Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    19 min
  6. Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know

    APR 7

    Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know

    Non-monogamy is no longer a fringe idea. It's showing up on dating apps, in therapy rooms, in late-night Google searches, and inside long-term relationships that look completely fine from the outside. But curiosity alone isn't enough to navigate it well. The choice to open a relationship matters far less than the skills you bring into it, and the quality of your conversations will shape everything that follows. If you or your partner have been thinking about this, or if the conversation has already started, this episode is not a pitch for or against any relationship structure. It's an honest look at what non-monogamous relationships actually require, and why opening a relationship that's already struggling almost never fixes it. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through how polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and open relationships actually function, what the latest research says about satisfaction and commitment, and the emotional labor these structures demand. I also share what I've seen in my practice when couples navigate this well and when it causes further damage, and I name the assumptions that most reliably lead to failure. 1:31 – The difference between polyamory and open relationships 5:16 – Two main polyamory structures and research-backed findings about non-monogamous relationships that might surprise you 9:52 – Examples of successful and non-successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen in my practice 13:12 – Five core motivations behind why people genuinely pursue polyamory 16:30 – Four common myths that prevent people from choosing non‑monogamy or polyamory  21:48 – Four assumptions that often lead to failure for couples considering these types of relationships 25:00 – The conversation that matters more than the decision itself Mentioned In Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know “Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation” | The Journal of Sex Research Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    29 min
  7. How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift

    MAR 31

    How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift

    The honeymoon phase is over, and real life has taken its place. When routines settle in, the stress piles up, and the spark no longer feels automatic, it’s common to wonder if something has gone wrong. But healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free, and healthy love isn’t accidental; it’s a practice. From validating your partner before you try to fix the problem to creating novelty on purpose, there is a roadmap for building a connection that is resilient rather than reactive. Whether you feel distant, stuck in recurring arguments, or simply want to protect the life you’ve built, you can learn to cultivate intimacy with intention. You don't have to settle for a "comfortable numbness" where your only time together is spent sitting in silence across from one another. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the foundational elements that separate couples who drift apart from those who deepen their connection over time. I reveal how ingredients like emotional safety, friendship, conflict repair, and sexual well-being form the backbone of lasting intimacy. I also discuss how to apply the RISE model to look beneath the surface of your conflicts and rebuild real connection. 00:53 – Why conflict itself is not the red flag most couples think it is 2:35 – What emotionally safe couples do differently during hard conversations 4:25 – How validation can calm disconnection before solutions are even discussed 5:56 – One thing that most of us do when our partner upsets or triggers us  7:57 – The overlooked friendship factor that predicts long-term satisfaction 10:33 – Why most recurring fights are not actually about the topic on the surface 14:29 – The impact of working as a team when under stress, instead of each person dealing with it alone 15:42 – How novelty can reignite connection after the honeymoon phase in your relationship ends 17:20 – The difference between independence that strengthens a bond and control that weakens it 19:24 – Why sexual well-being reflects far more than frequency 20:18 – Who couples therapy is for and the model I developed and use to teach foundational relationship skills Mentioned In How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    26 min
  8. Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex

    MAR 24

    Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex

    You’re still in love with your partner and committed to a fulfilling life together, yet something feels off. The chemistry that once felt effortless now feels unpredictable or absent. You care deeply for each other, but you are completely out of sync sexually. If you’ve ever wondered why sex feels so hard when the rest of the relationship is fine, it isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re failing. It’s more likely a sign that stress, emotional disconnection, or old conditioning are quietly shaping your desire. When this tension lingers, sex starts to feel loaded. You might find yourself making excuses, feeling pressured, or waiting to want sex the way you used to. Attraction becomes something you analyze instead of something you feel, and you may begin to interpret a lack of desire as a personal rejection. Meanwhile, routines take over, the same old scripts repeat, and the emotional safety you need to feel open begins to erode. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I reveal what is actually happening beneath the surface when desire becomes mismatched in long-term relationships. I explore how the mental load, trauma, and toxic cultural messaging impact your connection. You’ll learn the vital difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, why feeling "seen" is a prerequisite for arousal, and how you can begin rewriting your sexual script to find that spark again. 1:33 – Why fluctuating desire is often a signal for conversation rather than a sign of failure 4:27 – The hidden impact of stress, mental load, and survival mode on erotic energy 5:58 – The difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and why it matters 7:55 – Emotional connection as a prerequisite for physical intimacy for many partners 10:07 – Why asking “What does emotional connection mean to you?” changes everything 12:21 – The powerful role of social, cultural, and religious conditioning in shaping desire 15:42 – How shame around pleasure can quietly suppress sexual expression 18:21 – Trauma’s influence on agency, boundaries, and sexual safety 20:10 – Practical shifts that help couples reconnect without pressure or performance Mentioned In Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex Rise to Intimacy Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

    27 min
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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

If intimacy feels like pressure instead of pleasure, you're not alone - and there's a reason why. Licensed sex and couples therapist Valerie McDonnell breaks down the real barriers to connection that most people don't even know exist. From performance anxiety and sexless relationships to attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation, each episode teaches the same tools Valerie uses with private clients. You'll learn how to regulate your body when sex feels triggering, how to communicate without fighting, how to rebuild desire when it's been gone for months or years, and how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships. Whether you're struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, people-pleasing in the bedroom, or feeling completely disconnected from your partner, this podcast will help you understand what's really happening and what you can do about it. Tune in for new episodes every Tuesday because trauma doesn't get the last word, and sex therapy isn't for people who are broken - it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.

Information

  • Creator
    Valerie McDonnell, LCSW - Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach
  • Years Active
    2K
  • Episodes
    18
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 The RISE to Intimacy Podcast
  • Show Website
    The RISE to Intimacy Podcast

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