Living Midlife Well Podcast

Janine Lattimore
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Helping people in midlife get off the treadmill of stress and exhaustion, rediscover their joy, and create a life that is aligned with who they really are and what they really want. janinelattimore.substack.com

  1. 3d ago

    Ep11: What Is My Life Purpose? A Midlife Guide to Living True to Yourself

    Links Part of this podcast content was an extract from my book 10 Steps to Happiness To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Free subscribers receive my weekly article and podcast. Paid subscribers also receive access to a weekly 20 minute wellbeing session video or audio and a monthly live group coaching call with me. Transcript What if the life you’ve been living wasn’t actually yours? Not because you made bad choices — but because somewhere along the way, you started making choices based on what was expected of you, rather than what was true to you. If you’re in your 40s or 50s and you’ve got that restless, reaching feeling — like you’ve done all the right things and yet something still feels missing or maybe you’re not even sure what the “right things” to be doing are any more - then this episode is for you. Today we’re talking about life purpose — but not in the way you might expect. Because I want to throw out the traditional definition and offer you something that I believe is far more liberating, and far more authentic. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Midlife Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach here to help people in midlife get off the treadmill of stress and exhaustion, rediscover their joy, and create a life that is aligned with who they really are and what they really want. One of the top five regrets of the dying is this: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself.” If that sentence lands with you, then now is the time to ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Midlife is the perfect moment to stop living by other people’s blueprints and start asking what genuinely fires you up. Here’s how to discover your true life purpose — and why your passion and your purpose are the same thing. So why midlife? Why is this the moment that so many of us start asking these bigger questions? Let me explain. Midlife is a time of significant transition and change in our relationships, our work, our family structures, and our bodies. As we reach the midpoint of our life with several decades of experience behind us and our mortality looming closer on the horizon, we can begin to question our purpose and desires. We may realise that what we have lived up to this point was largely a response to people and forces outside of us, and recognise that either we don’t know who we really are now, or that we are not living in alignment with who we really are. In their youth and early adulthood most people take on what society dictates to be the purpose of life which revolves around getting a good education, a good job, developing a happy long-term relationship and being a good person. At midlife, we may have ticked all those boxes and are now looking for more, or we may be realising that those purposes were not true to us. This can lead to a deep questioning of what our purpose is and what we really want which can be part of what is referred to as a midlife crisis, but which we can reframe as a midlife edit. That restless, reaching feeling in midlife isn’t a malfunction. It’s your authentic self asking to be seen. Or maybe you are the opposite. Maybe you feel done with striving and are asking yourself whether you need a sense of purpose, or should you just sit back and enjoy life? What if enjoying your life is your purpose? That last question is actually the perfect segue into what I really want to explore today — because it challenges everything we’ve been taught about what purpose is supposed to mean. We tend to view life purpose as being connected to some form of service to others or promoting a higher good. In that it is often seen as self-less. I want to propose something radical. I want to put self right at the centre of purpose and say that your purpose here in this physical experience is to be you. You are unique. Even if you have an identical twin there is no one completely like you who can bring your mix of qualities, experience and insight to the world. This is captured beautifully in one of my favourite quotes from Martha Graham — “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.” If you have been playing roles like wife, mother, father, husband or whatever your job title is for so long that you are not sure who your authentic self is without those hats, then start here with asking yourself — what lights me up inside? Your purpose in life is to do what lights you up. Your passion is your purpose. I believe that is what you are here for, and I also believe that is the best way you can serve others. Following your bliss and serving others are often viewed as being separate, even opposing things, as being self-centred versus being self-less. Service is often equated with self-sacrifice, and self-sacrifice is often seen as necessary in order to help others. This is a belief not a fact. It is one point of view that has been perpetuated by many. I think it is very important to look at HOW we are serving others and to open our definition of what service is. Instead of using the word service, let’s use the word uplift. What most people desire is not just to help other people, but to uplift them, so that they can feel better and be happier. And here’s the thing — the most powerful way to uplift others might surprise you. If you would like to help other people to feel better and happier, then the best way to do that is to be experiencing a lot of joy for yourself. You radiate what you are feeling and the people around you receive that. Following your bliss is the best way to uplift others. Bliss and service are not separate, they are closely intertwined. Your bliss serves others. Your passion is your purpose. We cannot be self-less and why would you want to be? You are here as a one-of-a-kind creation to live your unique life. No one else will ever exist like you and no one will ever be able to live the life that you are living now. I believe that is a divine gift. Many people go looking for their purpose in serving others in some way. I’m not saying that is not worthwhile, however, I would argue that your joy is your purpose. When you are lit up, you shine light into the world. So do what lights you up, whatever that may be. When you do what lights you up, when you do what you love, what you’re passionate about, what gives you energy and what makes you glow, then that shines a light for others and brings more light into the world. Sometimes people think that our purpose needs to be an obvious act of service to others and I believe that is a good thing. If you feel that it is your passion and your calling to do that, then that’s wonderful. If that lights you up, then that is your purpose, but I don’t think that it has to be for everyone. Some people believe that if we are not serving others with our lives in a really obvious way that we’re not making a difference in the world. I don’t believe that’s true. I think we make a difference in the world when we shine as who we are. So, if your purpose is to follow your bliss, your true desire, the next question of course is how to identify that. I think that it is important to note that your passion or bliss doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be some grand goal. Your bliss may be growing a garden full of flowers, or reading good books. It may be volunteering at a food bank or fostering rescued animals. One of the best ways to identify what lights you up is to play with curiosity. Try new things, meet new people, take on new projects, participate in local groups, or explore a new hobby. Moving out of routine and auto-pilot shakes up your energy and gives you a different perspective. Embrace discovery, imperfection and learning. You don’t have to be the best at something to enjoy it. When it comes to bliss, the process of engagement is what matters, not the outcome. The key is how you feel while you are doing it. It may help to begin by reflecting on your responses to the following three questions. I recommend you take some time with this. Let them sit with you as you move through life for a week or two. One — What did you enjoy doing as a child? Two — If you received $10 million today and didn’t have to work to financially support yourself, what would your ideal day look like? Three — When do you feel most authentic, connected, and at peace with yourself? For most people what will begin to form is a list of things you love doing, ways you like to be creative, experiences of interacting with other people and/or environments you appreciate. You can use this list to guide you in creating a life filled with more of your bliss and purpose, and, if you want to, you can refine this even further. Usually when we think of something that we love and appreciate, or desire, we think of it in terms of a condition. By that, I mean some sort of physical circumstance, event, person or action. However, at its essence bliss is a feeling, not a condition, and it is more than one feeling and slightly different feelings for different people. When we attach the feeling of bliss to certain conditions, then we are attaching it to something external to ourselves that we don’t have full control over. By identifying what bliss feels like for you, then you open yourself to the unlimited ways that you can feel that, rather than having it connected to only one condition which may or may not happen. For example, I love to dance. We could say that dance is one of my passions because it lights me up. However, it is not dance that lights me up. What lights me up is what I feel when I dance and I don’t feel it every time I dance. The condition, in this case dance, is

    15 min

  2. Jun 5

    Ep10: The 3 Types of Midlife Exhaustion (and the 3 Elements of Rest That Actually Help)

    Links Mentioned in the Episode Learn more about the Living Midlife Well Member Community on Substack Learn more about the Living Life Well Member Community on janinelattimore.com I have two membership community platforms - one on Substack and one through my janinelattimore.com website. The benefits and content are the same for each of them: * a weekly newsletter * a weekly 20 minute wellbeing guided video or audio - this links to the content of the newsletter and is like an extended guided practice * a monthly live group coaching call + replay The difference is that the newsletter for the Substack member community is a long-form article whereas the newsletter for my website membership community is a shorter tips and highlights style email. Transcript What if the reason you’re exhausted has nothing to do with how much sleep you’re getting? What if tiredness in your forties and fifties isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you — but a completely understandable response to decades of doing life at full intensity, with barely a moment to breathe? Today I want to talk about something I think so many of us are quietly carrying but rarely say out loud: that bone-deep weariness that doesn’t go away, no matter how early you get to bed. I’m going to share three types of midlife exhaustion that might explain exactly what’s going on in your body and nervous system right now — and then I’m going to give you a roadmap to three kinds of rest that can actually help. Not rest as in “do nothing and hope for the best,” but rest that works at a biological, mental, emotional and even spiritual level. And I’m going to start by reading you something I wrote almost exactly a year ago. For many years now I have been waking up tired, frequently feeling exhausted, falling asleep if I am sitting for a relatively short period of time and often feeling like I am living on a treadmill of to-do’s and I don’t know how to get off. I haven’t had a holiday of more than 2–3 days in about fourteen years, and that was to Auckland with the kids and I was pregnant with my son and had really bad morning sickness. It isn’t just that I haven’t had opportunity, the thought of stopping and having a holiday to “just relax” causes me to feel on edge. It would take several days for my nervous system to unwind even if I did go away. Can you relate to any of that? If you’re nodding along — even a little — then what I’m about to share is for you. Because that kind of tiredness? It’s not just your story, and it’s not just mine. It’s something that is showing up for so many people at this stage of life, and I think it’s worth understanding why. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Midlife Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach here to help people in midlife get off the treadmill of stress and exhaustion, rediscover their joy, and create a life that is aligned with who they really are and what they really want. By their forties and fifties many people are starting to experience a deep weariness. It is connected to years of intense stress, demand, responsibility and also experiences of loss, heartbreak, unfulfillment, disappointment and failure. We are tired of our time being taken by things we don’t want to do and not being able to do the things we want to do. Many of us have carried the invisible load for decades — the unseen mental, emotional and logistical effort required to manage our relationships, families, and households. In our work and homelife we have been consistently required to do the non-stop exhausting labour of anticipating, planning, organising and remembering moving parts in the responsible role of adulting. It is absolutely understandable that you are tired. Tired maybe even more than you know. It is not weakness. Modern life can drain the life out of any and possibly all of us. I don’t think that a longing for rest is something new, but I think that we are experiencing it in a new way due to the rapid development of technology leading to globalisation and almost constant lifestyle changes and updates. Those of us in our forties and fifties now lived through the dawning of the digital information age. We remember, not just in our minds, but also in our bodies, a slower, quieter, more personally connected life before personal computers, the internet, mobile phones and social media. I think that this adds to the impact of the fast-paced change and the weariness we feel. And into all of this, gets thrown the turmoil caused by major hormone changes at this stage of life. So that’s the backdrop. That’s the weight we’re carrying before we even get out of bed in the morning. And what I want to do now is get specific — because not all exhaustion is the same, and understanding which type you’re experiencing is the first step to knowing what you actually need. Let me walk you through the three types of midlife exhaustion. By midlife, chronic stress is affecting us in three main ways: fatigue, freeze and burnout; hyperstimulation — that wired-but-tired feeling; and what I call dis-ease, which is stress-related illness. Let’s look at each one. Exhaustion Type 1: Fatigue, Freeze and Burnout — When Your System Has Simply Had Enough Ongoing stress drains your energy — even low-level ongoing stress which affects you like apps constantly running in the background on your phone. This can manifest as fatigue, brain fog, procrastination, difficulty making decisions, forgetfulness, emotional flatness and loss of interest in socialising. Freeze, which is a second layer survival — or stress — response after fight or flight, can look like feeling numb, depressed, hopeless, disassociated and/or shut down. Burnout can happen when you experience too much emotional, physical, and mental fatigue for too long. You move beyond the overwhelm of stress into feeling depleted, used up, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Does that resonate? That flat, used-up feeling that goes beyond just being tired? Now let’s look at the second type — and this one might surprise you, because it doesn’t look like exhaustion from the outside at all. Exhaustion Type 2: Wired but Tired — Why You Can’t Switch Off Even When You Want To Hyperstimulation is the sensation of being constantly switched on and struggling with switching off — or in other words, feeling tired but wired. It can look like overworking, over giving, overthinking and over-functioning, all while being unable to stop or sometimes even sit still for long. If you have difficulty stopping and resting, then it is likely that your nervous system is stuck in survival mode. There are usually subconscious beliefs operating underneath this for you. Experiences you had when you were young that taught you that being still was somehow unsafe, that rest equals weakness, or that if you don’t perform, you don’t matter. This second type is one I see very often — people who look busy and capable from the outside, but who are running on fumes underneath. And the third type is where the body starts sending the most urgent signals of all. Exhaustion Type 3: When Stress Makes You Sick — The Body’s Long-Term Bill for Chronic Pressure Long-term activation of your stress response system causes overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones which can cause inflammation and disrupt almost all of your body’s processes. This type of chronic stress can put you at risk for a variety of health issues including muscle tension and pain, headaches, infertility, heart disease, heart attack, weight gain, insomnia, auto-immune conditions and stroke. Long term stress keeps your body in a survival state where your body down-regulates systems not connected with fight or flight such as your immune system, your digestive system and your reproductive system. This can make you more prone to illness and slower to recover from it, stimulate or worsen digestive issues, and suppress your libido and sexual function. You can experience issues from more than one of these areas at the same time. By midlife it is quite common to be experiencing all three in various ways. So, we’ve named what’s happening. And I hope just having language for it gives you some relief — because when we can name something, we stop making it mean that something is fundamentally wrong with us, and we can start doing something about it. Now, I want to talk about rest — but not in the way you might expect. Midlife exhaustion is not just physical and therefore the rest we crave and need is not just physical. By this stage of life, a big part of rest is also experiencing inner peace — which is mental and emotional peace, and also spiritual. Not spiritual in a religious sense, but in the sense of self awareness and living in coherence with your values and what is important to you. And here’s something I want to gently challenge — something I hear from people a lot when they start thinking about rest. I have heard some people say that they will make an effort to rest more. There is a contradiction there because rest by its nature is the opposite of effort. Rest isn’t something we do, it is something we feel. It needs to be felt into because how we experience rest is different for different people and also varies for ourselves over time and mental and emotional state. We can equate rest with acceptance, ease, and flow and with the release of effort, performance and need. And this is where it gets interesting — because if rest isn’t about effort, and it isn’t about just stopping, then what does it actually look like? Especially when some of us have been stuck in survival mode or over-functioning for so long that we are not even sure how to rest. This is heightened when we have beliefs like: · Rest is lazy. · Rest is unproductive. · I can only rest when all the work is done. · and/or the purpose of rest is to give me energy to do more. If any

    17 min

  3. May 30

    Ep 9: Is This All There Is? Finding Freedom and Purpose in Midlife

    Living Midlife Well is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Transcript What if the thing we’ve been calling a midlife crisis... is actually a midlife invitation? In this episode we’re diving into one of the most universally experienced — and possibly least honestly talked about — seasons of life. Whether you’re in your forties, your fifties, or hovering on the edge of either, this episode is for you. I want to start with a haiku. Yes, a haiku. Bear with me, because it captures something so perfectly: “First: love. Then marriage. A mortgage. And a divorce. Is that all there is…?” That’s from Peter Radley, and honestly... if that landed somewhere in your chest just now, you’re in the right place. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Midlife Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach here to help people in midlife get off the treadmill of stress and exhaustion, rediscover their joy, and create a life that is aligned with who they really are and what they really want. Many people in their forties and fifties are growing weary of the weight of performance and responsibility that feels required by their current life and are desiring something more. As that opening haiku captures, they are beginning to ask “is this all there is?” Midlife can be a time of unraveling and transition, but it doesn’t have to be a crisis — it can be an evaluation and shift into greater freedom and fun. In this episode I want to look at the mid stage of life through the lens of four categories: Mental Wellbeing, Personal Growth, Life Direction, and Relationships. But before we get into those, I want to get personal with you. Because I think the most useful thing I can do is show you my own hand first. At fifty-three I am mid midlife. My forties bought a huge amount of upheaval, transition and growth, but so far I am sailing in smoother waters in my fifties. Here is my lowlights and highlights reel for my midlife experience so far. The challenges I experienced in my forties were real and they were heavy. I developed a significant stress-induced health condition. I went through the unexpected ending of my second marriage. I navigated shared parenting and the particular demands of parenting teenagers. I lost my father — my mother had already died of cancer in her early fifties when I was just thirty-two. I went back to zero financially, and re-entered the workforce after being a stay-at-home mother for eleven years. And through all of that, I rode the emotional rollercoaster of dating, loneliness, and relationship heartbreak. But here’s the other side of the ledger — the positives. I got to be genuinely explorative with dating and relationships in a way I never had been when I was young. Shared parenting actually gave me more time freedom than I’d had in years. I learned to accept, love and understand my authentic self. I discovered somatic practice. And I started dancing again regularly. And then I turned fifty. And something shifted. I love this quote from Jan Struther’s Mrs. Miniver: “Mrs. Miniver suddenly understood why she was enjoying the forties so much better than she had enjoyed the thirties: it was the difference between August and October, between the heaviness of late summer and the sparkle of early autumn, between the ending of an old phase and the beginning of a fresh one.” I loved turning fifty. It felt like the beginning of my second innings at life. In the first half of the game, I got the feel of the playing field, developed effective strategies to meet challenges and got warmed up in my skills. Now, in my fifties, I have a wealth of life experience wisdom and learning, a grounded self-confidence and a body that is fit and able. I’m ready to launch into the best years of my life. Relationship wise I am settled in my third long term partnership and it feels like a really good fit. Over the last ten years I have done A LOT of personal growth work and relationship skill development. I have finally healed my inner child’s need for love and approval that kept driving me to get into relationships with emotionally disconnected, critical men just like my father. So what actually matters to me now? It’s shifted quite a lot from what I thought I wanted when I was younger. What is important to me now is living a life that feels good to me. In my twenties and thirties I dreamed of speaking to packed auditoriums. What I really craved was acknowledgment and validation. I have given that to myself now and don’t need it from others so much anymore. My key love language is still words of affirmation though, so I do still feel best when I am receiving regular words of encouragement. The things that take my focus now are financial and time freedom, doing work that is meaningful and creative, and developing my relationship skills to connect effectively with people. There are a lot of things in my own experience that are typical of midlife ups and downs. Let’s have a look at some of the common challenges and positives for each of the categories I mentioned at the start of this episode. Let’s start with something that doesn’t get talked about enough — what’s actually happening mentally and emotionally during this season of life. By the time they reach their forties, a lot of people are feeling like they are running on the same treadmill of stress and exhaustion day after day and existing more than living. Many of us are working, raising children and looking after a household. Throw in extended family responsibilities and there is little time left for ourselves and our dreams. However, our children are getting older, which gives us some space, and we can begin to see light at the end of the tunnel — maybe, unless like me you had a child in your late thirties or early forties and then the light may get shunted out until your sixties. When I talk to people of midlife age, frequently the primary thing they desire is rest, and yet, ironically, most of us are so stuck in stress-induced survival mode that even if we get spare time we can’t or don’t know how to stop and just put our feet up. Many of us feel constantly on and find it very difficult to switch off. Grief features strongly in midlife for many people. It is when they become acutely aware of their own mortality and the slow degrading of their body. In conjunction with this, death often becomes more of a feature as aunts, uncles and sometimes parents pass, and we enter the zone where fatal health issues such as heart disease and cancer start to rear their heads more intensely. And alongside all of that internal experience, our relationships are often going through enormous change too. Let’s talk about that. There is a general trend in Western societies that the number of couples that are separating or divorcing after age fifty is increasing. I think that there are many reasons for this including longer lifespans, increased financial independence for women and the abundance of information and options available now. Statistically women are the primary instigators of ending relationships and a key reason why is that they have been carrying the emotional and mental load of the relationship for years and finally decide that they have had enough. Most women in Western society are no longer locked into unhappy relationships for reasons of security. This opens up new opportunities and challenges of dating again in midlife, and I think it is also requiring us to get better at developing effective relationship skills. Now that couples no longer need to stay together out of necessity for material support, we are re-examining how and why we develop long term committed relationships. Many of us have also had painful relationship experiences and as a consequence are working on our own personal growth to reparent our inner child and shift unhelpful patterns of belief and behaviour. The other key relationships most midlifers have is with their children and their parents, and there are often big shifts going on in this area too. Most people in their forties are managing the challenges of parenting teenagers, and then the fifties bring the mixed emotions of the home becoming an empty nest. However, empty nests can then often be filled with adult children returning to live with their parents, or having your elderly parents come to live with you. Social isolation becomes more of an issue for a lot of people from midlife onwards. As children grow and partnerships end, social connections change, and joining new social groups and making new friends can be very hard, particularly at this stage of life. Past relationship experiences can lead to people carrying a lot of shame around “failed” relationships, or extreme wariness about trusting other people or themselves. Woven through all of these relationship shifts is something deeper — a fundamental questioning of who we actually are. And for many people, that is where the real work of midlife begins. On one hand, negativity around aging may stimulate a sense of despair or a drop in self-esteem as you reach midlife. However, I think that for many people middle age is no longer just seen as a transition into old age, but more of a stimulus to review your identity and how you are living your life. For most people, by middle age, life experience has shown you who you are and what you want to be and you are ready to transition to living that more fully. As their children get older, many women who gave up their careers and stayed home as the full-time parent begin to look up from the endless piles of washing and want more than just being a mother and a wife or partner. Meanwhile, the mothers who juggle work and parenting frequently carry the burden of mother-guilt as well as the stress of physically and mentally managing that load. Many men also begin to question the meaning of things in

    16 min

  4. May 22

    #8 How to Comfort Someone who is Hurting

    Most of us genuinely want to show up for the people we care about — we were just never taught how. Let’s change that. When someone we care about is struggling, it is challenging for us too. We can worry about saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all. Plus, some of the things we do say - including “I’m sorry,” offering advice, and trying to cheer people up — can actually make things worse without us even realising it. In this episode I explore why we find it so hard to sit with other people’s pain, and offer a practical, compassionate guide to what actually helps. From the surprising things we should probably stop doing, to seven powerful ways to genuinely show up for someone who is hurting. You don’t need all the answers. You just need to listen and know some good questions to ask and that’s exactly what I give you. Mentioned Book Links 10 Steps to Happiness Stop Absorbing Other People’s Problems If you would like to buy a “You Matter” mug like the one in the title image for yourself or a friend, then you can get them here Quick Reference Infographic Transcript Have you ever seen someone post online that they’re struggling and just not known what to say? Or maybe someone close to you has been going through something painful and you’ve found yourself lost for words, worried about saying the wrong thing, or just hoping someone else would step in? You’re not alone. Most of us were never taught how to sit with other people’s pain — or our own. Today we’re exploring why that is, and what we can actually do about it. From what to avoid — and some of these might surprise you — to seven genuinely helpful ways to show up for someone who is hurting. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Life Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach providing information and inspiration to make daily health and happiness simple. I recently read a social media post that said When someone says they’re struggling and people keep scrolling . . And it got me thinking about the ways in which we respond to people who are hurting or struggling. I think that in a few instances people keep scrolling because they don’t care, but more often I think they don’t respond because they don’t know how. People either don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. They worry about sounding fake if they just express a common platitude like “I’m sorry”, or fear misreading what the other person is experiencing or needing. Sometimes they don’t say anything because they don’t know the answer to the other person’s problem and think that in order to help they have to provide a solution. The issue is not just that we don’t know how to comfort other people who are hurting or struggling. The underlying matter is that in Western society we are not taught how to sit with pain in general. We are taught to fix it if we can or otherwise suppress or avoid it in a multitude of ways. Pain is uncomfortable and we live in a society that craves comfort. Comfort is connected with strength, success and wealth, discomfort with weakness, failure and poverty. What if we could develop a different perspective of pain that would empower us to respond to it in ourselves and others in a more beneficial way? Pain and discomfort are not just something experienced by people who are weak or poor. Everyone experiences them in some form at various times. Some people may have more resources to hide behind, but it will still be present there somewhere. Developing Emotional Literacy To be able to sit with other people’s pain we first have to be able to sit with our own. The first step in doing that is to understand that all emotions are simply a way of communicating information. I believe that all emotions are valid and serve us in some way. Therefore, I think that it is more helpful to describe emotions as comfortable or uncomfortable, or pleasant or unpleasant, rather than judge them as good or bad, or positive or negative. Unpleasant emotions tell us that our needs are not being met, that we are unsafe or that we have patterns of thought and belief that are causing us to feel that something is wrong. We become afraid of uncomfortable emotions. They can seem big and overwhelming and the way they are expressed can be hurtful, but that is because we have not all been taught how to process them effectively. People who have experienced trauma may also shut down to both their own and others’ emotions which can be seen as a protective freeze response. Other people may respond to emotional stress with a fight (frustration/anger) or flight (avoidance) response. When we understand that unpleasant emotions are simply signals asking us to pay attention to something, then managing them in ourselves and others becomes less scary. Less fear means less stress and when we feel less stressed, we have more mental and nervous system capacity to respond. (If you want to learn more about how to effectively feel and process your emotions then I go into that in more detail in Step 6 in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.) Developing your own emotional intelligence and learning to process your own emotions in healthy ways is the first step in being able to comfort people who are hurting or struggling. The next step is the skill aspect of what to do and what not to do. Let’s start with the what not to do first. 1. Avoid Saying “I’m Sorry” This one may come as a surprise because it is a very common response to say something like “I was sorry to hear that . . .” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” to someone who has experienced something undesirable or painful. The reason I advise you to avoid saying it, is because it puts a sense of responsibility and heaviness on you, and it really doesn’t offer anything to the other person. It is an empty statement and closes rather than opens conversation. It is an attempt to express sympathy, but there are more effective ways to do that 2. Avoid Trying to Fix the Problem For example, saying something like, “You should try doing this...” Offering unsolicited advice and trying to “fix” someone so that they feel better is one of the least helpful things you can do, because it overrides what they are thinking and feeling. Fixing, solving and rescuing someone indicates to them that they are not capable of working through this themselves. It links back to the perception that pain and discomfort are connected to weakness, failure and poverty, which isn’t true, and is not an empowering perspective to come from. 3. Avoid Talking About Your Own Experience Many people try to show someone that they can relate to what they are saying by sharing their own similar experience. However, when you do this, it shifts the focus onto you. It also creates more information for the other person to process and this can add to their overload when they are already in a state of stress. This is especially impactful for people who are highly sensitive or have an ADHD or autistic neurotype. Simply listen, and reflect and ask questions about their experience first. Once the distressed person has processed their thoughts and emotions and are feeling more settled, if you have a personal story to share that may give them a helpful example then you could ask, “Is it okay if I share something that I think may be helpful?” If they say yes, then share, but ask first. 4. Avoid Forcing the Person to Cheer Up Trying to get someone who is sad to smile or someone who is hurting to cheer up is again overriding what they are actually thinking and feeling, and indicates that there is something wrong with what they are feeling. This often links back to people’s own discomfort with unpleasant emotions and trying to avoid dealing with them. 5. Avoid Getting the Person to “Look on the Bright Side” This is another common thing people do which is linked to trying to cheer people up, but deserves to be looked at separately. It includes phrases like: “At least you didn’t . . . “ “[he’s] in a better place now” “It could have been worse . . .” “[name] has it much harder than you” “Everything happens for a reason.” “Try and stay positive” When you try and get someone to see the positive in their pain when they are in the midst of it, it minimizes and dismisses what they are currently experiencing. This goes double when you compare their experience and response to someone else. All of your feelings are valid for you regardless of what anyone else experiences, and feelings need to be felt to be effectively processed. The best way to comfort someone else is to acknowledge and validate their current experience and emotions and allow them to be expressed in ways that are safe. 6. Avoid Pointing Out Where They Went Wrong Everyone makes mistakes or bad choices in life, and pointing them out doesn’t help. The person who is struggling is probably already painfully aware of any mistakes they made. That is my list of key things to avoid. Now here is the empowering list of effective ways to support someone who is hurting or struggling: 1. Be Honest If You Don’t Know What to Say or Do You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t need to know how to solve their problem to help someone. You don’t have to be a wise guru and say all the right things. If you don’t know what to say or do, just be honest and tell the person that. Simply say something like: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you” “I am not sure how to respond other than to say I hear you and feel compassion for you” Being vulnerable about what you are experiencing creates a safe space for them to express what they are experiencing rather than having to put on a “brave face” or mask what is truly going on. 2. Listen. Listen. Listen. You may think that all you can do is listen, but often that is the key thing that the other person needs. Remember, what people need m

    20 min

  5. May 15

    #7 Your Calendar is Lying to You

    Transcript What if the reason you’re exhausted is not just the result of how much you’re doing, but also when you are doing it? In this episode, we’re talking about natural cycles, lunar calendars, and why your ancestors were onto something powerful when they planned their lives around the moon and in harmony with nature. A lunar calendar tracks the moon’s 29-day cycle — from the stillness of the new moon, through the building energy of the first quarter, to the peak of the full moon, and back into the harvest phase of the last quarter. I want to introduce you to this concept of the lunar cycle not as something mystical, but as something genuinely practical. We’ll talk through the four main phases of the moon, what kind of energy each one carries, and how you can begin using a simple lunar calendar to bring more flow, more rest, and more intentionality into your everyday life. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Life Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach providing information and inspiration to make daily health and happiness simple. What if exhaustion isn’t a personal failing, but a design flaw in modern life? For most of human history, people woke with the sun, rested with the seasons, and planned their months around the moon. Then, in the space of just a few generations, we traded all of that in for artificial light, air conditioning, and the relentless expectation of constant productivity. Our bodies haven’t forgotten what they evolved for though. They are still listening for rhythms that we have stopped paying attention to. This podcast is an invitation to return to attending to those natural rhythms. Your Body Never Left Nature The human body developed in connection with nature. We are evolved mammals. It has only been in the last 200-300 years since the industrial revolution that human beings have been living life significantly disconnected from the natural world. Our biology still works best in connection with nature and in harmony with natural cycles. The mitochondria in our cells are powered by sunlight. Exposure to long wavelength red light from early morning sunlight improves mitochondrial function and cellular energy. Your body runs most effectively when your inner clock (circadian rhythm) is set according to the rising and setting of the sun. The electrical system of the human body is balanced when it connects to the earth. As we move about on this physical plane our bodies give and receive charge from the things we interact with and build up static charge. When we touch the earth, we dispel this positive charge into the negatively charged earth, ridding our body of static and balancing our electrical state. Nature Flows in Cycles Much of the energy in nature moves in cycles and it is that which I want to focus on for this podcast. The seasons, tides, plant growth, the growth of the human body, and the orbit of the moon and planets all move through cycles of increase and decrease, ebb and flow, waxing and waning, new life to death. We can see this as a flow of energy from low to high to low. From rest and decay new life rises. Here is a summary of the key cycles in nature and how they connect The seasonal cycle of winter, spring, summer, autumn can be seen to correlate to the plant growth cycle of planting, growing, blooming and fruiting and setting seed. The moon cycle of new moon, first quarter, full moon, last quarter and the human development cycle of baby, child, adult, elder. I will put an infographic in the show notes that illustrates these cycles. Why Modern Life Exhausts Us I have always loved nature and desired to live in harmony with it. That can be challenging when you live in an industrialised city. One thing we can do though, is come back to living our lives in terms of natural cycles. Modern city life tends to create conditions where our minds and bodies are called to be constantly on or in action. Even when we sleep there is still a lot of artificial light around us which our bodies are reading. We can liken this to trying to live in a perpetual summer or state of growth and blooming, which uses a lot of energy without allowing for recharge. This exhausts us physically, mentally and emotionally. Natural cycles build in necessary restoration time and make no apology for it. We can shift to flowing with this on a monthly and daily basis. Rest is Part of the Process of Production A simple way to incorporate an element of natural flow into our daily lives is to set the intention to purposefully incorporate a regular time of rest and recharge into each day and each week. I have been doing this for the last few months with what I call “sacred Sunday”. I aim to keep Sundays free from work and I call it my choice day - it is the day I do what I want to do rather than what I need or have to do. My partner also has this as his rest day and we often do something recreational together. If a whole day of rest seems unmanageable for you, then you could plan in a morning or afternoon, or simply one hour a week that is your time to rest and be nourished. Begin with whatever you can. The important part is to start with doing something regularly. In terms of a daily rest break I plan in just a five minute meditation break. Sometimes I will sit in meditation for longer once I have begun, but five minutes feels manageable to me and that helps with motivation to do it every day. Even my busy brain can pause for only five minutes, and five minutes of pause and breathwork is enough to give my mind and body a mini reset. Working With the Moon The next step I am taking in terms of incorporating a natural energy cycle into my life is by creating a daily planner that works in harmony with the lunar cycle. Human beings have done this throughout history and most traditional people groups have some form of lunar calendar. Here in New Zealand the Māori call theirs Maramataka. The names change, but there is a fairly consistent basic energy flow assigned to the phases of the moon. The new moon signals a time of rest, personal care and dreaming. As the moon grows through the first quarter the energy is one of building, working on projects and collaborating with people on tasks. The full moon brings a time of high energy where things are sent out into the world. It is the time of blooming and fruiting. Following the full moon is a time for harvest, and evaluation and preparation for the time of dreaming and visioning with the next new moon. The Moon Cycle and the Menstrual Cycle If you are a woman or have a female body, the energy of the moon can also be connected to the menstrual cycle. The new moon is connected with menstruation, and the full moon with ovulation. Menopausal women can use the lunar cycle for hormonal balance. Following the lunar flow of energy can help menopausal women to stay balanced hormonally as well as mentally and emotionally. If you want to read more about this, then I highly recommend John Gray’s book Beyond Mars and Venus. The Seasons as Symbols for the Lunar Cycle As shown in the infographic above, the phases of the moon can also be metaphorically linked to the seasons. The new moon equates to winter, the first quarter phase to spring, the full moon to summer and the last quarter phase to autumn. I find that making this connection helps me to understand the energy phases of the moon more fully. To take this and make it practical in terms of planning, here is an overview of the four main energy phases of the lunar cycle and what activities connect to that. A lunar calendar outlines what the phases of the moon are and when they occur, and knowing what activities connect to each phase gives you a balanced framework for managing your life. What to Do During Each Moon Phase New Moon: Rest, Visualise and Plan · Rest and nourish yourself. Build your energy reserves. · New moon energy is creatively fertile. · Plan, dream and plant seeds and intentions for the future. First Quarter: Build and Grow · Imagine and flesh out more of the details of your goals and visions. · Engage in creative research, building & productive work. · Focus on co-operation and collaboration. · Towards the end of this period take some time to review & edit your work. Full Moon: Embody and Release · A time for putting projects out into the world, pitching and selling. · Release projects that are not working or not aligned with your values into the earth. · Prioritise your closest relationships. · Engage in expressive outward creativity. Last Quarter: Harvest, Appreciate and Evaluate · Connect with friends and people you care about. · Look at your bank accounts, send out your invoices, and get paid. · Review, consolidate and celebrate. · Record and analyze data. · Restore, recharge, and reflect on what you’ve done over the past month in preparation of the New Moon. Check in with your goals and intentions. The simplest way to use this information is to mark the day of each new moon and full moon on a yearly or monthly calendar, and plan rest around the time of the new moon and high energy activities around the time of the full moon. If you engage in work or business planning, then you can use the full lunar cycle structure above to arrange activities. Creating Natural Rhythms in a Modern World Returning to natural cycles doesn’t require abandoning modern life. You can simply weave moments of intentional rhythm back into it. Start small: protect one hour of rest each week, or notice where the moon sits in its cycle, and let that awareness gently shape how you spend your energy. Allow rest to be seen as a natural and healthy part of the process of growth and success. Trust that it is okay to experience all seasons in your life because they each play an important role. Listen to Mother Nature, she knows what she is doing, and she knows what you need to thrive. Just One thing This week’s “Just One Thing” action point to help you turn informati

    14 min

  6. May 8

    #6: Five Tools to Reduce Relationship Stress

    If you want to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise then you can subscribe for a weekly dose of inspiration and information from me. As my welcome gift to you, all subscribers receive a free copy of my short-cut guide Wired for Calm: Simple Nervous System Regulation for Everyday Stress Transcript Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone you love feeling completely misunderstood, frustrated, or emotionally exhausted — not because of what was said, but because of how the conversation unfolded? Most relationship stress doesn’t come from one huge event. It builds slowly through small moments of disconnection: feeling unheard, making assumptions, avoiding difficult conversations, trying to fix each other, or silently expecting people to just know what we need. And the hard part is that most of us were never actually taught how to communicate in ways that create emotional safety and connection. In today’s episode, we’re going to explore five powerful tools to reduce stress in your relationships through healthier communication. We’ll talk about self-awareness, listening to understand instead of defend, asking clearly for what you need, becoming more comfortable with disagreement, and learning how to share the emotional and practical load of relationships more consciously. Because healthy communication isn’t about saying everything perfectly or never having conflict. It’s about creating relationships where both people feel safe enough to be honest, human, supported, and deeply understood.” Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Life Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach providing information and inspiration to make daily health and happiness simple. The Hidden Stress Building Inside Relationships Relationships don’t commonly fall apart because of one big moment. More often, stress builds quietly through misunderstandings, unspoken needs, assumptions, defensiveness, and the exhausting feeling of not being truly heard. Most of us were never taught how to communicate in ways that create emotional safety, connection, and mutual understanding. Instead, we react from habit, fear, overwhelm, or old emotional patterns. Healthy communication is not about saying the perfect thing or avoiding disagreement altogether. It is about learning how to understand yourself, understand each other, and create conversations that reduce stress rather than amplify it. When we do that, relationships stop feeling like battles to survive and start becoming places where both people can breathe, grow, and feel deeply supported. In this article I want to give you five tools to reduce stress in your relationships by improving the effectiveness of your communication. Interacting well with others begins with knowing yourself. This helps you to understand what you are bringing to the relationship and what you are needing from it. Without this knowledge people tend to see the external world as the source of everything that they experience and operate from a place of defensiveness or blame. Next comes the powerful reciprocity of listening to understand and asking for what you want. The key intention here is clarity. The other two things which I have added to this list are getting comfortable with disagreement and sharing the relationship load. Let’s dive in 1. Know Yourself There are three key things to get clear about yourself to reduce stress in relationships: what triggers you, what makes you happy and what you need. Come to know these things for your own personal growth and then also communicate them so that other people know it too. If you are living life on autopilot and are unconsciously reacting to everything that happens to you, then you will feel out of control and easily become stressed. Lack of clarity creates stress, for you, and by extension, in your relationships. Notice what things consistently lead to you feeling strong emotions of frustration, anger, fear, sadness or hurt. These are triggers for you. The more you know and understand yourself, the less likely you are to project your uncomfortable emotions onto your partner and blame them for what you are experiencing. Identify what sparks joy in you. This may seem obvious, but many adults become so lost in responsibility and work that if you ask them what they do for fun they cannot answer. Joy is life giving to ourselves and to our relationships. In my book The Great Life Planner I purposely chose to make the first question on the daily focus sheet “what fun would I like to have today?” because as adults we often forget to have fun or don’t make it a priority, and it needs to be for our own health and wellbeing and the wellbeing of our relationships. Consciously become aware of what you smile at, what you really enjoy and what stimulates laughter in you. Foster those things to build your own life-force and share them in your relationships. Laughter is one of the best remedies for stress. Knowing what you need is a little more complex because we have surface needs and underlying needs. Our underlying needs are often subconscious and you may not be aware of what they are unless you spend time in deep reflection. The other thing that complicates knowing our needs is when we believe that our needs are either a weakness or a burden, or that our needs don’t matter. A big sign that you have these beliefs is if you pride yourself on being self-sufficient or on going without. Our needs are what actually connect us. When you deny your own needs for any reason, then you disconnect from the parts of yourself that need love and support. You also block the flow of reciprocal energy within relationships. We all have needs. At the very minimum we have the basic needs for food, shelter and love. Yes, love is a basic need. People who experience high levels of loneliness or abandonment are not just affected mentally and emotionally, it also affects physical health. Part of coming to know your own needs is admitting that you have them - to yourself first and then by extension to others. Asking for help and receiving support does not make you weak, or a burden, it reduces stress on you, and also stress in your relationships because it builds mutual connection and support. 2. Listen to Understand There are three common responses to uncomfortable conversations in relationships; defend, blame or fix. When someone expresses dissatisfaction, disagreement or upset to us, most people deal with it by deflecting it with defence or blame, or minimising it by stating a solution. All three of these response types create increased stress within the relationship. To decrease stress, and increase connection take a metaphorical step back and set the intention of listening to the other person with curiosity to understand them rather than trying to fight or fix them. The foundation of this is an understanding that conflict is not an attack, it is an expression of unmet needs. Listening to identify and acknowledge the unmet need creates what we crave which is deep and meaningful connection. Listening to understand is not just about removing distractions and waiting your turn to speak, it is having the intention to deeply see and hear the other person. The next time someone close to you starts an uncomfortable conversation try using phrases like this: You are important to me. That sounds interesting, can you tell me more about . . ? How did you feel about . . ? What I heard is that you thought/felt . . . can you tell more about . . . ? What are your thoughts about that? Can you talk about that more please so that I can try and understand where you are coming from/your point of view? Can you say more about that? What do you mean by . . ? What is making this hard for you? Can you tell me what’s got you worried? What I think I hear you saying is . . . What do you think might be a next step for you regarding . . ? Remember, what happened is only the trigger. What is causing the issue is the thoughts and feelings each person is having in response to what happened. That is what you are actively listening to understand. When someone feels seen and heard in terms of their thoughts and feelings then they feel safe, and when your body feels safe, it turns off the stress alarm. Communicating in this way takes courage, and it often requires one person to initiate and model this new way of managing difficult conversations and conflict. When both parties share the aim of meeting each other with love though, then communicating in this way not only significantly reduces relationship stress, but fosters a depth of honesty and connection that is very fulfilling. 3. Ask and Clarify I have often heard statements like, “If you truly loved me then you would know what I want without me having to tell you.” Love does not make you a mind reader. Yes, when we care about someone we are tuned into what they express about what they like and don’t like, but we only know what they show or tell us, and we are always interpreting things from our own point of view. Even people with high levels of empathy cannot read the mind of their partner and know their unexpressed thoughts and needs. Empathic people may be able to make more emotionally intelligent assumptions, but they are still coming from their own perspective unless they are told otherwise. This is not only relevant in terms of gift-giving, but also in the ways that we desire to be loved and supported. I learned this in my body through a difficult experience. When I get overwhelmed, stressed and upset I need quiet, alone time and space to process before I can communicate about it. One of my former partners went through a very intense experience and so I gave him space to process, because that is what I would have wanted in the same situation. I thought I was being loving, but I was loving from my own framework, not his. To him, it felt like I abandoned him. Always ask the other person what they need and what would f

    22 min

  7. Apr 30

    #5: What's Really Draining You?

    Book Links Mastering Change 10 steps to Happiness Information and purchase links to all of my books are available through my website: janinelattimore.com Want More? If you want to be notified directly into your inbox when the next weekly episode lands, then click the subscribe button below. As a bonus, you will get access to a free copy of my short-cut guide Wired for Calm: Simple Nervous System Regulation for Everyday Stress Transcript I want to challenge something we’ve all been told. That busy is the problem. That if we could just slow down, say no more often, empty our calendars — we’d finally feel okay. But what if that’s wrong? What if busy isn’t your problem at all? What if the real issue is something much deeper? Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Life Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach providing information and inspiration to make daily health and happiness simple. We live in a culture that has a very complicated relationship with the word busy. On one hand, we wear it like a badge of honour — being busy signals that we’re important, productive, needed. On the other hand, the wellness world has spent the last decade telling us that busy is basically a modern disease — that we need to slow down, pause, be present. And I think both of those perspectives are missing something crucial. Because in my experience the problem is not really busyness. Most people who are exhausted, overwhelmed and depleted are not struggling because their lives are too full, they’re struggling because their lives are full of the wrong things. There’s a profound difference between a life that is full and a life that is overloaded. And that difference has nothing to do with how much you’re doing — and everything to do with whether what you’re doing is in alignment with what truly matters to you.” Here’s what we’re going to cover today: First, we’re going to examine the word busy — because I think when you look at what it actually means, you’ll see that it has two completely different faces. And understanding that distinction is the foundation of everything else we’ll talk about. Then we’re going to get into the concept of alignment — what it actually means to live in alignment with your authentic self because this term gets used a lot in personal development spaces, and I want to make it concrete and real and something you can actually work with. We’ll talk about the difference between what I call soul desires and ego desires — and why knowing which one is driving you changes absolutely everything about how your day feels. Then I’m going to share three powerful questions that will help you get clear on your authentic self — your values, your strengths, and how your creativity wants to be expressed — because without that self-knowledge, it’s very hard to find your way to alignment. And we’ll finish by talking about what I call balanced energy — the two factors that determine whether your full and active life feels nourishing or depleting. By the end of this episode, my hope is that you’ll walk away not just with a new way of thinking about busyness — but with a real, practical sense of where to start making shifts in your own life. Let’s get into it The framing of “busy” in modern Western culture is interesting. In many areas of society being busy is seen as admirable. It can almost be elevated to a virtue when it is seen as the opposite of being lazy. Busy is often associated with being productive and working hard. On the flip side of this, we have the modern personal development movement which emphasizes pause and presence, and has almost demonized being busy. I think that the concept of “busy” has two sides, and when I Googled the definition of the word “busy” this was highlighted as the meaning was either being actively engaged, or crowded with activity. On one side we have the definition of busy as having too much to do and habitually overworking, and on the other side we have the concept of busy as being actively engaged in doing something. So, what makes the difference? What determines whether you are busy in a state of overwork and overwhelm, or busy in a state of engagement and aliveness? The difference, is whether or not what you are doing is in alignment with what is truly important to you. If you are busy and unhappy, overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted then the problem is probably not that you are busy, the problem is that you are unfulfilled. It is not a stuff problem; it is an alignment problem. Doing lots of stuff + unbalanced, unaligned energy > stress, overwhelm, exhaustion Doing lots of stuff + balanced, aligned energy > a rich and fulfilling life I don’t think that being busy in and of itself is a problem. Being busy and being stressed do not always go together. I am usually busy, but I phrase it in other ways because most of the time I am living intentionally in alignment with my highest self. The words I use instead are to say that my life is full or rich. The paramount issue is what the energy engine is underneath your work. What is driving you? Is it performing, trying to prove something, or fear of missing out, losing out or being rejected? Or is it purposeful and creative engagement with life? What does it actually mean to be in alignment? The idea of being in alignment with your authentic self, in other words having aligned energy, gets talked about a lot in personal development teachings, especially those with a spiritual aspect to them, but what does that actually mean. Alignment involves knowing and living your values, purpose and higher-self desires. Higher-self desires are those that are connected to your soul rather than your ego. Ego desires are to do with how you appear; the image you portray. They are driven by urgency and doing things for other people, and are about performance, competition and earning. Soul desires come from your inner knowing and feel open and expansive. Other terms for your higher-self desires are your passion or bliss. They are what you would do even if you didn’t get paid. It’s the person you love being and the things you love doing when no one is watching. Does living in alignment mean you just do what you want? I want to clarify that living in alignment with yourself does not mean that you only do things that you want to do, although I do invite you to notice any beliefs you have about not being allowed to do what you want. We grow up with a lot of unexamined adopted beliefs about this that can limit how much we allow ourselves to have (if you want to learn more about how to identify and shift your limiting beliefs then there is a chapter on that in my book 10 Steps to Happiness). Life also has responsibilities and curveballs for us to navigate. Alignment is not just about desire and preference; it is also about the perspective that we have when approaching all of life. Having a life philosophy that enables you to release resistance to challenge, and to flow with all aspects of life experience enables you to be in alignment within almost any circumstance. This doesn’t mean that you just passively accept everything that life throws at you. Being in alignment with yourself also gives you clarity about where and how to create meaningful boundaries for yourself. For me it comes back to the idea that is expressed well in the Christian Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. Here is a simple non-religious form of that: Stay calm about the things you can’t control. Have the courage to change the things you can. and be wise enough to know the difference. Sometimes alignment comes through what you choose to do, and sometimes it comes by how you frame your perspective of what you are required to do. Wisdom, which is also a form of alignment, guides you to know when to flow in acceptance, and when to actively create what you want. Invest time to know yourself There is a quote from 13th-century Persian poet Rumi that reads: When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of distress and anxiety; If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without any pain. From this I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret in this for anyone who can grasp it. One surefire way to live an unfulfilled life is to be constantly in a rush reacting to life. The key to fulfilment, is to give yourself time and space to become clear on what your values, purpose and highest desires are. Clear energy of thought, emotion and action that is in alignment with your soul is powerful and attractive. Three questions that reveal your authentic self Here are three questions that will help you to come to know the key aspects of your authentic self: 1. What are your top 10 values? Think about experiences you have had where you have felt high levels of joy, pride, or frustration. Things that give you a lot of joy or pride are connected directly to your values. Conditions that make you feel angry or frustrated indicate what your important boundaries are, in other words, what values have been denied or disrespected. I will put an image displaying a list of 36 common values in the show notes - this will give you some more ideas to identify your own values. 2. What are your top 10 innate gifts and practiced strengths? Fulfilment happens when you are moving in your strengths. This is not to say that challenge and learning are not purposeful too, but we feel our best when we are living from our strengths. What do you do that feels easy or which you do well without a great deal of effort? What skills or characteristics do other people thank or compliment you for? What do you enjoy doing? 3. How do you like to be creative? Creativity is the expression of our lifeforce. It is not just about making art. Creativity can be expressed in many ways such as ideas, variation, movement, problem solving, ga

    15 min

  8. Apr 23

    #4: Trying to Fix Everything Is Ruining Your Life

    Want More Inspiration, Information & Fun? If you want to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise then you can subscribe for a weekly dose of inspiration and information from me. As my welcome gift to you, all subscribers receive a free copy of my short-cut guide Wired for Calm: Simple Nervous System Regulation for Everyday Stress Transcript Have you ever noticed how your mind moves from one thing to fix… to the next? You solve one problem, tick something off your list, maybe even have a moment where things feel okay—and then almost immediately, your attention shifts again. What’s not right yet? What needs improving? What could go wrong? For many of us, this way of thinking feels completely normal. It can even feel productive, responsible… like we’re doing what we’re supposed to do to build a better life. But what if this constant drive to fix, improve, and optimise is actually creating a quiet sense of pressure underneath everything? What if life starts to feel less like something to experience… and more like something to maintain? In this episode, I explore the causes and downsides of a “fixing mindset” and introduce a different way of relating to your life—one that isn’t about giving up growth, but about stepping out of the constant feeling that something is wrong. Because maybe… you don’t need fixing in the way you’ve been led to believe. Kia ora and hello, welcome to the Living Life Well podcast. I’m Janine Lattimore, a wellbeing writer and coach providing information and inspiration to make daily health and happiness simple. What if the very habit that’s meant to improve your life is quietly making it harder to enjoy? Many of us live with a mind that is always scanning for the next problem to solve, the next thing to fix, and the next way to be better. It can feel productive and responsible, but beneath that often sits a subtle tension, and a sense that something isn’t right. This way of thinking can lead you to get stuck in an endless loop of fixing and controlling, where you feel constantly anxious, incomplete and not enough. I want you to know that you are not broken. Let me tell you why this is happening and how you can feel satisfied with yourself and your life. The Pattern of Always Looking for What’s Wrong There is a common pattern of thinking that people experience where the mind consistently focuses on the next problem to solve or the next thing to fix. In this state moments that are good or enjoyable are only briefly noticed before your attention quickly shifts to what might go wrong or what needs improvement. This habit of thinking can be linked to personality characteristics and is also a familiar pattern for people who are trained to analyze, improve and achieve. There is also a link between this and experiencing high levels of fear, anxiety and a need to control your life. When Self-Improvement Turns into Subtle Dissatisfaction Many people fall into this way of thinking and it can be seen to be responsible and productive. The idea of needing to improve and become a better version of yourself flows through a lot of success oriented personal development teaching. While this problem-fixing mindset may help people to achieve more, it can also lead to a constant underlying dissatisfaction with life and with yourself, and an ongoing feeling of discontent in the striving for constant improvement. You Find What You Are Looking For When your mental filter is set to look for problems, then that is what you will perceive in your experience. If you are focused on what you think you need to fix, then that is what you will actually create more of. I know that may sound a bit crazy, but that is the way it works from a biological, science and spiritual energy perspective. I give a full breakdown of how this principle of attraction works in my book The Great Life Planner, but here is a summarized overview. Why Your Brain Is Wired to Find Problems Firstly, the biological perspective. There is an area in your brain called the reticular activating system (RAS). Your RAS filters what sensory information is let into your conscious mind because you take in a great deal more information from your senses than your conscious mind is able to process. Your RAS filters are set in terms of survival and safety first, and then in terms of your conscious focus and your beliefs. Problems and things that need to be fixed are potential survival and safety threats, therefore they get prioritized by your RAS and by the limbic area of your brain which connects to your subconscious beliefs and activates your stress response. The focus of your RAS and limbic system is to monitor the threat rather than look for a solution. Creating solutions and new ways of doing things is the domain of the pre-frontal cortex area of your brain and that gets down-regulated if your body does not feel safe. If you are constantly aware of problems and things that need to be fixed, then your body will be in survival and stress mode rather than in a relaxed, safe state. The Energy You Carry Shapes What You Experience The science aspect of this connects with physics. One of concepts of physics is that everything is energy and that all energy vibrates at a particular frequency. All vibrations transport their energy by waves. Two of the vibrational waves our brains and bodies emit are thought and emotional waves. These generate electromagnetic fields that extend beyond your physical body. Energy frequencies resonate with (connect with) other frequencies that are on the same frequency spectrum level. This means that the energy that you send out through your thoughts and emotions connects with similar energy in other people and the world around you. If you are thinking about problems and what could go wrong, and feeling fear and anxiety, then you will connect to and attract more of that into your field of experience. Spiritual energy concepts echo those of physics and usually frame it as the law of attraction or the law of resonance. These also state that “like attracts like” in terms of energy. What I will expand on in terms of this is that there is often a difference between the energy your subconscious mind and body are emitting, compared to the thought energy of your conscious mind. For example, your conscious mind may think I’ll start exercising to fix my weight issue. Your conscious mind chooses the creative solution, but it is rooted in thinking that you have a problem that needs to be fixed. You will also have a lot of subconscious beliefs and patterns of thought, emotion and behaviour connected to your current state which is why it is your current reality. The result of this is that you have one part of your energy directed towards the solution (exercising more), but the majority of your energy will come from everything else that is going on in your body: the stress response to seeing your weight issue as a threat, your RAS and nervous system scanning for anything connected to that threat, and your habitual automatic patterns of thought, emotion and behaviour that connect to your current state. Why Trying to Fix Everything Can Keep You Stuck Obviously, all this makes it very hard to change your current reality and is possibly how trying to fix everything is ruining your life. As I say that I am aware of the irony in my creating a podcast telling you how to fix a problem that is caused by trying to fix problems. However, I do want to give you three things that will help. The first is accepting all of the experience of life as okay. The second is to choose your self-worth, and the third is to foster safety and regulation in your nervous system. What If Life Isn’t a Problem to Solve? A fixing pattern of thought can come from believing that everything has to be good, positive or perfect all of the time. We can compare it to the idea of wanting to live in perpetual Summer. The reframe to this is letting go of resistance, and accepting the natural flow and cycles of life. Energy reserves are depleted if they are running on high all the time. Death and life are intertwined in a circle, as are light and darkness, and all have value and purpose. What if life isn’t a series of problems to be solved, but a variety of experiences to be lived. What if death, darkness, and emptiness were not something going wrong, but equal experiences with life, light and fullness. It’s mainly our survival based limbic system that resists discomfort. On top of that we have been trained to label uncomfortable sensations and emotions as negative or bad, and to live with certain ideas of what is right and what is wrong. What if some of the conditions that you thought of as things going wrong and needing to be fixed, you could choose to label as simply another form of experience? Maybe you could ask yourself, “what if this is not a problem to be solved, but an experience to be had?” Self-worth is a Choice At the core of a constant need to fix and be better is a sense of not-enoughness. My interest in health and personal development was initially sparked by a driving desire to fix myself. One of the first healing declarations I made when I embarked on my journey to truly loving myself in my mid-forties was: “There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to be fixed.” It took me a lot of courage to say, and I had to work through the fear of other people judging me for stating it. I had spent a lifetime up until that point thinking there was a lot wrong with me, and that belief had been fostered by a critical father and perpetuated by critical partners. Another thing that happens when we focus on our perceived flaws and think we need to be fixed is that we tend to project that, and also try to fix other people, usually under the guise of helping them. This is not to say that everyone is perfect in the sense of being all good, but you are perfectly you. The idea of accepting all of the experience of life can be applied to us as peo

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Helping people in midlife get off the treadmill of stress and exhaustion, rediscover their joy, and create a life that is aligned with who they really are and what they really want. janinelattimore.substack.com

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