Just Listen To Me

Julia Shay
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  • Mental Health

🎙️ New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday Welcome to the place where love stops performing and starts telling the truth. I’m a couples counsellor who works with the real moments of relationships — the disconnection, the misunderstandings, and the deep longing to feel safe and chosen. Using an emotionally focused couples therapy lens, I break down attachment patterns, communication breakdowns, and the cycles that keep couples stuck. This podcast is for people who care deeply and want to understand what’s actually happening beneath the arguments, silence, or distance — without quick fixes or clichés. Whether you’re healing your relationship, reconnecting, or breaking generational patterns around love and attachment, this is a space to slow down and grow. Alongside relationship and attachment education, the podcast also explores narcissistic and coercive relational dynamics, emotional safety, emotionally unsafe systems, and the difference between genuine therapeutic support and dependency or emotional manipulation. Just Listen to Me was created to support individuals and couples navigating relationship pain and attachment wounds, while also providing therapists, counsellors, and helping professionals with attachment-informed conversations that deepen clinical thinking, reflective practice, and emotionally focused work. You’re welcome here. Let’s build relationships that feel safe, real, and alive. The stories and relationship dynamics shared in this podcast are always de-identified and adapted to protect privacy and confidentiality. Many examples are composites based on common patterns seen across therapeutic work. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, and wherever you get your podcasts. Disclaimer: This podcast is provided for educational and informational purposes only. The content is not intended to diagnose, treat, or provide professional mental health care, counselling, or psychological support. The information shared should not be considered a substitute for individualised advice or support from a qualified mental health professional. If you are experiencing significant distress or have concerns about your mental health or safety, please seek appropriate professional support.

  1. 1d ago

    Dating Apps Through An Attachment Lens

    You match. You message. You wait. And sometimes, before you’ve even met someone, your attachment system is already working overtime. Dating apps have completely changed the way we meet people — but they haven’t changed the attachment patterns we bring into relationships. The uncertainty, mixed signals, ghosting, endless swiping and constant availability can create the perfect environment for anxious and avoidant attachment strategies to kick in. In this episode, we’re looking at dating apps through an attachment lens. Why can a delayed reply feel like rejection? Why can someone seem incredibly attractive until they start getting too close? And why do we sometimes mistake anxiety, uncertainty and emotional activation for chemistry? We’ll explore the anxious attachment trap, the swipe-and-withdraw cycle, and the difference between being genuinely interested in someone and being preoccupied with whether they’re interested in you. Because sometimes the person you’re most drawn to isn’t necessarily the person you’re most compatible with. Sometimes they’re simply the person who touches the oldest wound. And perhaps the most important question when you’re dating online isn’t “Do they want me?” It’s “Do I actually want them?” Welcome to the Attachment Dating App.

    Dating Apps Through An Attachment Lens

  2. 6d ago

    How to Tell if You're Working Too Hard As The Therapist

    As therapists, we care deeply about our clients. We prepare, reflect, research, analyse and constantly think about how we can help them move forward. But when does caring become over-functioning? In this therapist-facing episode, we explore what happens when you start taking too much responsibility for a client's therapeutic process — working harder than they are, trying to find the “right” intervention, filling the silence, rescuing, or feeling responsible for an outcome you can't control. We also look at what happens when we get caught in a client's relational system, including how countertransference and our own nervous system can pull us into patterns we're trying to help the client understand. Most importantly, we'll look at what secure therapeutic practice actually looks like: staying engaged without taking over, trusting the client's agency and pace, and knowing when to intervene and when to step back. Because being a good therapist doesn't mean working harder and harder. Sometimes, the more skilled intervention is to stop carrying what was never ours to carry.

    How to Tell if You're Working Too Hard As The Therapist

  3. Sep 8

    The Cycle of Shame In Pursuer Burnout

    What happens when you've spent so long pursuing connection that you start feeling ashamed of the way you're trying to get it? In this follow-up to my Season 3 episode on pursuer burnout, we look at the shame that can develop when your attempts to reconnect repeatedly leave you feeling unheard, rejected or alone. You may find yourself asking: Am I too needy? Am I asking for too much? Why can't I just let it go? Over time, shame can make you question not just your behaviour, but your need for connection itself. In this episode, we explore the cycle of disconnection, pursuit, escalation, shame and self-criticism — and how both partners can end up misunderstanding what is really happening beneath the surface. Most importantly, we look at the difference between shame and responsibility, and what it means to move toward a more secure way of expressing your attachment needs. Because having needs doesn't make you “too much.” And pursuer burnout isn't necessarily proof that you've stopped loving your partner. Sometimes it's evidence that you've been trying to connect without enough emotional safety for too long. If you've ever felt ashamed of how hard you've tried to be heard, this episode is for you.

    The Cycle of Shame In Pursuer Burnout

  4. Sep 3

    The Affair Without Sex: Understanding Emotional Infidelity

    Can you have an affair without ever having sex? Emotional infidelity can be one of the most confusing forms of betrayal because there are often no clear boundaries. A close friendship isn't automatically an emotional affair—but when does emotional intimacy with somebody else begin to threaten the safety of your relationship? In this episode, we explore what emotional infidelity is, how an innocent connection can gradually become something more significant, and why emotional affairs can be so deeply painful for the person who discovers them. We'll also look at what can make someone vulnerable to emotional infidelity, why understanding vulnerability isn't the same as making excuses, and whether a relationship can recover after emotional betrayal. In this episode: What emotional infidelity actually isThe difference between friendship and an emotional affairHow emotional affairs often develop graduallyWhy “we never had sex” doesn't necessarily remove the sense of betrayalEmotional replacement, attachment and loss of trustVulnerability without blame or excusesHow couples can rebuild emotional safety and trust Because sometimes the most significant betrayal isn't physical—it's discovering that somebody else has quietly become the person your partner turns towards instead.

    The Affair Without Sex: Understanding Emotional Infidelity

  5. Aug 27

    When One Partner Won't Engage: Now What?

    What do you do when one partner simply won’t engage in couples therapy? They say “I don’t know” to every question. They shut down when emotions come up. They blame their partner for everything. Or they’re physically present in the room, but emotionally somewhere else. For therapists, this can be one of the most challenging dynamics to navigate. Is the client resistant — or are they protecting themselves? Are they overwhelmed, ashamed, burnt out, ambivalent, or simply unwilling to participate? In this therapist-facing episode of Just Listen To Me, Julia explores how to look beyond apparent non-engagement, track what happens in the couple’s cycle, and avoid becoming another pursuer in the room. We’ll also look at when individual work or a pause may be more appropriate — and when we need to ask the bigger question: Is couples therapy actually appropriate here? Because the goal isn't to make someone engage. It’s to understand what their non-engagement is telling us — and what this couple needs from us as therapists.

    When One Partner Won't Engage: Now What?

  6. Aug 25

    Reactive Withdrawers: When Withdrawal Looks Like Anger

    What if withdrawal doesn't look like withdrawal? When we think about a relationship withdrawer, we often picture someone who goes quiet, shuts down or walks away. But some withdrawers don't go silent—they become angry, defensive, critical or argumentative. In this episode, Julia explores the world of reactive withdrawers: people who may look like they're pursuing connection because they're highly activated and engaged in conflict, while emotionally they're actually moving away from vulnerability. We explore what can sit underneath the anger—including hurt, fear, shame, inadequacy and feeling overwhelmed—and how this creates a painful cycle where one partner reaches for connection while the other reacts by creating distance. You'll also hear a case example that brings this cycle to life, and we'll look at the important difference between understanding someone's protective response and excusing harmful behaviour. Because sometimes the person who looks like they're fighting with you is actually fighting to protect themselves from what they feel when they get close to you.

    Reactive Withdrawers: When Withdrawal Looks Like Anger

  7. Aug 13

    Are Piper & Alex A Trauma Bond? Attachment Lessons from Orange Is the New Black

    If you've watched Orange Is the New Black, you probably have a complicated relationship with Piper and Alex's relationship. They love each other deeply. They also hurt each other deeply. Their relationship is marked by betrayal, separation, emotional volatility, reconciliation and moments of intense connection — a cycle that raises an important question: are Piper and Alex experiencing a trauma bond? In this episode, we explore their relationship through the lens of attachment and trauma bonding, looking at why genuine love doesn't necessarily make a relationship safe, why leaving can be so difficult when the person who hurts you is also the person who provides comfort, and how the cycle of harm and reconciliation can create an incredibly powerful attachment. We'll also explore the difference between insecure attachment and trauma bonding — because not every dysfunctional relationship is abusive, and not every painful attachment is a trauma bond. Ultimately, Piper and Alex teach us an important lesson about relationships: Intensity isn't the same thing as security. A relationship can contain profound love, genuine attachment and extraordinary connection — and still be harmful. And sometimes, understanding the difference is the first step toward understanding what secure love actually looks like. A little note from me: I’m taking a week off after this episode to recharge, reset and enjoy a little breathing room. I’ll be back after the break with Season 4 of Just Listen To Me, with plenty more conversations, insights and attachment lessons. In the meantime, there’s a whole back catalogue waiting for you to explore! ❤️

    Are Piper & Alex A Trauma Bond? Attachment Lessons from Orange Is the New Black

  8. Aug 11

    Pornography: When Fantasy Becomes an Attachment Substitute

    What happens when pornography becomes more than sexual stimulation — when it begins to function as a substitute for emotional connection? In this episode, we explore pornography through the lens of attachment, particularly how people with avoidant attachment can sometimes turn toward fantasy and pornography to soothe loneliness, regulate difficult emotions, and avoid the vulnerability of real intimacy. For some people, pornography may become a way of meeting attachment needs without having to risk rejection, dependence or emotional exposure. But what happens when that coping strategy begins to enter the couple relationship? We explore the cycle that can develop between partners, why pornography can sometimes become an attachment substitute, and the important difference between insecure attachment dynamics and pornography being used as part of coercive control. Because sometimes the behaviour isn't really about sex at all. It's about what we're trying to soothe when we don't feel safe enough to connect.

    Pornography: When Fantasy Becomes an Attachment Substitute
See All (45)

About

🎙️ New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday Welcome to the place where love stops performing and starts telling the truth. I’m a couples counsellor who works with the real moments of relationships — the disconnection, the misunderstandings, and the deep longing to feel safe and chosen. Using an emotionally focused couples therapy lens, I break down attachment patterns, communication breakdowns, and the cycles that keep couples stuck. This podcast is for people who care deeply and want to understand what’s actually happening beneath the arguments, silence, or distance — without quick fixes or clichés. Whether you’re healing your relationship, reconnecting, or breaking generational patterns around love and attachment, this is a space to slow down and grow. Alongside relationship and attachment education, the podcast also explores narcissistic and coercive relational dynamics, emotional safety, emotionally unsafe systems, and the difference between genuine therapeutic support and dependency or emotional manipulation. Just Listen to Me was created to support individuals and couples navigating relationship pain and attachment wounds, while also providing therapists, counsellors, and helping professionals with attachment-informed conversations that deepen clinical thinking, reflective practice, and emotionally focused work. You’re welcome here. Let’s build relationships that feel safe, real, and alive. The stories and relationship dynamics shared in this podcast are always de-identified and adapted to protect privacy and confidentiality. Many examples are composites based on common patterns seen across therapeutic work. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, and wherever you get your podcasts. Disclaimer: This podcast is provided for educational and informational purposes only. The content is not intended to diagnose, treat, or provide professional mental health care, counselling, or psychological support. The information shared should not be considered a substitute for individualised advice or support from a qualified mental health professional. If you are experiencing significant distress or have concerns about your mental health or safety, please seek appropriate professional support.

Information

  • Creator
    Julia Shay
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    45
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2026 Julia Shay