In this episode of Men Like Me, Dan sits down with counsellor and Clinical Sexual Addiction Specialist Andrew Connolly for an honest conversation about men and pornography. Pornography is incredibly common, but it remains something many men rarely talk about honestly. For some it’s occasional. For others, it becomes a secret part of life that can continue for years, hidden from mates, family, and sometimes even a partner. So when does pornography become a problem? Why can it be so difficult to stop? What role do shame, loneliness and our past play? And what happens when a secret life begins affecting the people we love? Andrew has worked with men, young men and families for more than two decades and brings years of specialist experience working with pornography and compulsive sexual behaviour. This is not a conversation about shaming men or offering easy answers. It’s an open conversation about pornography, secrecy, relationships, intimacy and what it might look like for men to actually talk about something many have carried alone. Chapters 00:20 – Andrew’s Story and How He Entered This Work02:47 – What Do We Misunderstand About Men and Pornography?04:03 – When and Why Do Men Reach for Porn?05:49 – Successful on the Outside, Secret Life on the Inside07:49 – Does Shame Help Men Change?09:11 – Pornography and the Shadow10:45 – Understanding the Wound Without Excusing the Behaviour12:51 – How Our Childhood Follows Us Into Adulthood15:11 – Men’s Rites of Passage and Healing15:45 – How Common Is Pornography Among Men?16:38 – What Do You Do If You Can’t Stop?18:59 – Pornography, Partners and Intimacy20:27 – What Happens When a Partner Finds Out?22:17 – “Was I Not Enough?” — Support for Partners24:24 – Why Willpower Alone May Not Be Enough25:42 – The Role Other Men Can Play26:15 – Why We Need to Ask Men About Pornography27:18 – How Do We Talk to Our Kids About Porn?29:18 – Pornography, Dating and Relationships Keywords pornography, porn addiction, men and pornography, compulsive sexual behaviour, sexual addiction, men’s sexuality, shame, secrecy, intimacy, relationships, marriage, pornography and relationships, betrayal trauma, childhood wounds, shadow work, addiction, vulnerability, men’s mental health, counselling, masculinity, fatherhood, talking to boys about pornography, men’s work, Centre for Men & Families, Men Like Me Resources & Further Support Andrew has generously provided the following resources for men, partners, parents, young people and professionals wanting to explore pornography, sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behaviour further. For Young People & Parents * STRIVE — Covenant EyesA free programme designed to help people understand pornography use and develop strategies for change. https://www.covenanteyesprogram.com/strive/ * Reboot NationAn online community and resource for people wanting to stop using pornography.http://www.rebootnation.org * The Light Project — New ZealandA resource hub for young people, parents and schools addressing pornography and its impact. The Light Project also provides education and presentations. https://www.thelightproject.co.nz * Fight the New DrugEducational resources aimed particularly at young people, exploring pornography and its potential impacts. Includes articles, research and practical resources.https://fightthenewdrug.org * Jo Robertson — TEDx Talk: Why We Need to Talk About Porn With KidsA talk exploring why parents and other adults need to have better conversations with young people about pornography. For Men Seeking Help * Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)A 12-step fellowship for people seeking recovery from addictive sexual behaviour.https://saa-recovery.org/ * Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Australia (SLAA)Peer support for people experiencing patterns of sex and love addiction.https://www.slaa.org.au/ * Husband Material — Drew BoaPodcast, videos and other resources for men wanting to address pornography and sexual behaviour, with a strong Christian perspective. * The Naked Truth ProjectUK-based courses and support groups for people struggling with pornography or sexual addiction, as well as support for partners. Some groups are available at times suitable for the Southern Hemisphere. Andrew particularly recommends their eight-week Click to Kick programme. * Finding the Way Through — Jeanne Vattuone & Tim SteinA practical workbook for people working through sexual addiction and recovery. For Partners & Couples * Book: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse — Barbara SteffensA resource specifically written for partners affected by sexual addiction. * Book: Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them — Paula HallA practical resource for couples dealing with the impact of sexual addiction. * Book: The Aftermath of Betrayal — Michelle MaysOne of a number of resources by Michelle Mays addressing betrayal and recovery for partners. * Book: Facing Heartbreak — Stefanie Carnes et al.A workbook for partners navigating betrayal and the impact of compulsive sexual behaviour. * Book: Beyond Betrayal: How God Is Healing Women and Couples from Infidelity — Lisa TaylorDraws on research with partners and explores their experiences of betrayal trauma. * Metamorphosis — New ZealandOffers resources and support, including Side by Side groups for partners.https://www.metamorphosis.org.nz * Relational Recovery CentreAndrew highly recommends this site for finding support groups and courses operating in the Asia-Pacific region. https://relationalrecoverycentre.com/ For Counsellors, Clinicians & Others Supporting Men and Couples * SASA — Sexual Addiction Support & Advocacy, New ZealandTraining, events and resources for clinicians, pastoral workers and others supporting people affected by problematic sexual behaviour. The site also has useful material explaining terminology such as out-of-control sexual behaviour, hypersexuality and sexual compulsivity. https://www.sasa.nz * APSATS — Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma SpecialistsTraining, resources and specialist support focused particularly on partners affected by sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.https://www.apsats.org/specialists * ERCEM — Early Recovery Couples Empathy ModelResources and professional training for working with couples affected by sexual addiction, including podcasts and resources for couples.https://sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com/ercem-specialist * Daring Ventures — Dr Jake PorterResources and support for individuals and couples affected by problematic sexual behaviour and betrayal. https://www.daringventures.com * Andrew also recommends these conversations with Dr Jake Porter: * Family of Origin with Dr Jake Porter — Part 1https://livingtruth61.podbean.com/e/family-of-origin-with-dr-jake-porter-part-1/ * The Truth About Sex Addiction — Dr Jake Porter Faith & Church Resources * The Healing Church — Sam BlackThe Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong About Pornography and How to Fix It explores how churches can respond more effectively to pornography and those affected by it. * Ashamed No More — T. C. RyanA Pastor’s Journey Through Sex Addiction — a personal account of sexual addiction, shame, faith and recovery. * Mark Laaser — PornographyA resource approaching pornography and sexual addiction from a pastoral perspective. * Husband Material — Drew BoaResources for men addressing pornography and sexual behaviour from a strongly Christian perspective. Australian Resources * Liz Walker PresentsAustralian-based education and resources around pornography, relationships and sexuality. https://www.lizwalkerpresents.com A Note on Language You’ll notice these resources use different terms, including porn addiction, sexual addiction, compulsive sexual behaviour, hypersexuality and out-of-control sexual behaviour. Different practitioners and organisations use different frameworks, so not every resource approaches the issue in exactly the same way. These resources are provided for further information and support and don’t necessarily represent the views or clinical position of the Centre for Men & Families Australia. Get full access to The Centre for Men & Families at cfmf.substack.com/subscribe