We all know the feeling. The dreaded sentence your partner or the person you’re dating utters: “I need some space” or “I think I need some time.” And suddenly your nervous system is doing cartwheels, and sheer panic sets in. You find yourself in total disarray, heart racing, a pit in your stomach, a mad dash to the toilet, wondering if you’re about to go through a breakup or if they’re leaving you. You’re playing all the worst case scenarios through your head, calling your girlfriends to analyze every text, every conversation, quickly making your exit plan. Am I right? Definitely speaking to all my anxious attachers out there! Today’s episode is all about the thing that all relationships need from time to time: Space. When someone asks for space, it can feel like rejection. Like the beginning of the end. Like you did something wrong and now you’re about to be quietly replaced or you’re spiraling into making-up-stories-land. I sure do know that one. *raising hand* I’m great at making s**t up. And the worst part of that is that our brains love to find evidence to prove that the story we’re telling, that unhealed shadowy wound and the fears we carry, are actually real and true. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in my life I’ve had to say to myself—in the middle of my ego hijacking the real story to protect me from hurt and rejection— “Is that really true? Can you possibly know that to be true? What else might be true? Are you making s**t up again, Savanna? “ I know this terrain. I used to joke that I was the queen of space. I learned how to detach. Step back. Wait it out. Especially with men who pulled away, disappeared, ghosted. And yes — most of them came back, eventually. They always do. If the space has no clarity, no timeframe, and no effort, it isn’t healing. It’s avoidance. What I’ve had to learn the hard way is that there is a difference between space that is manipulation (giving whatever it is they need to energetically pull them back into your orbit no matter the cost) and space that is maturity and reconnection to self. One is a definite hook. The other is recalibration and oxygen. I never realized space was healthy. Not when my operating story was always a fear that space meant rejection or eventual abandonment. You see, in my kid narrative, we must always be connected, validated, approved of and enmeshment and codependency = Love. Whew, Lord…. Waiting around while someone decides if you’re enough? That’s self-abandonment and torture. There is a difference between giving someone room to regulate and process and putting your own needs on the back burner while they figure out whether to choose you. Ultimately, you must always choose yourself. Space used to mean, “If I’m patient enough, quiet enough, undemanding enough, he’ll choose me.” That wasn’t healthy space. Again, self- abandonment. Compromise. Healthy space doesn’t require you to shrink or question yourself. It doesn’t ask you to wait in limbo while someone breadcrumbs you with “Hey, I was thinking of you” while pretending they didn’t just ghost you a month ago and definitely did NOT change their behavior from the last time. It doesn’t mean tolerating half-assed efforts and calling it good or destiny. Healthy space has a tether, a foundation, an energetic and clear signal. It sounds like: “I’m overwhelmed tonight. I love you. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Healthy space is clear, reassuring, and there is a return. The reason I love attachment theory so much and our understanding of it-(anxious, avoidant, secure, disorganized), is because we begin to see that most conflict around space isn’t about love. It’s about safety and regulation. For some people, distance feels like abandonment. For others, closeness feels like suffocation and engulfment. Neither is wrong. Both are protection strategies. But here’s the shift that changed everything for me: Space is circulation, not separation. It’s like breath. Inhale together. Exhale apart. Both are necessary. Real intimacy isn’t fusion and codependency. It’s two whole people choosing each other — again and again — after reflection, regulation, and rest. And if you’re anxiously attached, remember this: Do not wait out “space” if someone is not efforting, reciprocating, or choosing you clearly. That is not secure love. It is a front and their avoidance. Come back to yourself. Your worth is not determined by who returns. And if you lean more avoidant, space is not a disappearing act. It’s not using “space” to ghost someone. If you care, communicate. If you don’t have the capacity, say so. Clarity is kindness. When held consciously and with care and respect, space teaches love how to breathe. And breathing things…they live. ;) I hope you enjoy this episode. Savanna Savanna's Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support the expansion of my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. It all matters. Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe
