The Regulation Revolution

Tia DeVincenzo - Nervous System Regulation Expert
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A place to regulate your nervous from one human to another. tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  1. Jul 29

    MORE isn't the answer.

    I’ve fallen into this trap where I believe that if I have more time, magically everything will fall into place and I’ll feel lighter. That thought usually shows up when I’m teaching, working multiple jobs, and don’t have a lot of time. And then when I do get the time? Sometimes I fall into this existential dread of: I have so much time, why am I not doing more with it? Am I a failure? Should I be more busy? Should I be producing more? For years, we’re taught to produce. We fall into a system of school where you need good grades to get into a profession that produces money in order to live the life we think we should be living. Ah, the should. The part that makes everyone move toward something in a manner that may not be true to yourself because someone told you that you have to work very, very, very hard to achieve this, **insert external goal here.** I’m not judging you. I do it too even with as much as I know about the nervous system — but especially when I was younger, which is exactly why I talk about it now. “I’ll have more fun when I make this much money.” “I’ll be set once I buy the multi-family.” That’s mine, by the way. You can steal it, but that’s mine. “Things will be good and I’ll relax once I’m married.” All the married people can laugh at that one. “Once the kids are grown, I’ll do the selfish thing I’ve always wanted to do for myself.” The problem is the external validation never actually f*****g works. It never provides the happiness we deem it will because we always find another thing to fill the void within ourselves if we don’t face the void head on. You know what this is called? Hedonic adaptation, sometimes coined the hedonic treadmill. What Is Hedonic Adaptation? It’s a concept psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell introduced all the way back in 1971. This shit has been happening forever - we’ve been running on the same nervous systems for thousands of years. We’re just still learning how to work with them, because it’s our first time experiencing life every single day, and a new experience takes our body and nervous system a little time to understand. Hedonic adaptation describes your brain’s capacity to build a new baseline every time we reach a pivotal moment tied to external validation. A pay rise. A new house. A marriage. Even a baby. A compliment from the person you’ve been crushing on. Retirement. You tell yourself I’ll be happy when... and then it happens. And you ARE happy - you get the dopamine hit, the rush, the high. That part is real, and I’m not taking it away from you. But two weeks, two months, two years later, you’re like “wait, I don’t really care about that anymore.” You’re not really at “baseline”. You DID experience a new high. But your threshold changed. It’s exactly like weight training - you eventually have to lift heavier to burn the same calories you did the first time, because your body adapted. That adaptability is a beautiful thing. It’s genuinely cool but when it comes to happiness, it’s brutal, because we hit the new goal, we ride the high (f**k yeah, I just got a pay rise and life is going to be smooth sailing), and then a few weeks later, the existential dread creeps back in. Bills are still bills. Dinner still needs to be made. The thing that annoyed you two weeks ago, is still annoying to you. How rude huh??? But also kind of beautiful, when you look at it. Our body and mind are adaptable. Capable to hold, preserve, and shift. But when we’re chasing external goals, we’re never actually going to find true freedom or peace within ourselves because we’ll always meet that baseline again. Freedom From vs. Freedom To The terminology from The Gap and the Gain helped this click for me - freedom from vs. freedom to. “Freedom from” is getting relief from external pressures. This is what we think will make us happy — the pay rise, the house, the promotion. To be clear: it’s okay to still want those things. I’m clapping right now, picture me clapping in your face. I’m not the person telling you to suffer in poorness. F**k that. Money is good and fun in the right hands. Keep the goals. What we’re trying to release is the ideal - the belief that you will only be happy once you reach that external thing. Because when we’re only acting from external pressure, we’re not shifting anything internally. We’re not finding freedom or happiness where we actually live - inside ourselves. “Freedom to” is the shift. Finding internal happiness regardless of circumstance. Not toxic positivity, not “just be happy wherever.” Sometimes we get in our feelings, and that’s allowed - we’re trying to get better at feeling, not to feel better. Freedom to is: how can I find the internal capacity to make choices I feel confident in - action-based, for my happiness, for what I actually want - instead of what everyone else thinks I should be doing? I’m curious - pause here for a second. What does freedom mean to you? What would it feel like, in your body, in your brain, if you moved through life with this sensation? Why It Matters: Expansion vs. Constriction Somatically, this is where expansion vs. constriction comes in. When we shift from “from” to “to,” we shift our thoughts from constriction into expansion. This will help you stop feeling so tethered to external factors, and opens you up to the possibility that happiness could exist right here, in this moment, instead of on the other side of a goal. If you’re operating from an ideal - this timeline you set for your life, what it’s “supposed” to look like - you’re going to inherently feel behind. Not as confident. Not as validated. I know this from personal experience. Nobody who’s done this mindset work walks around in expansion 24/7. This is a consistent practice in recognizing when you’ve slipped into constriction, and knowing how to shift back out. Because we can be cognitively aware for YEARS and never truly embody the shift. I create doers here. And we are creating capacity for your coolest life. How to Apply This: 3 Ways to Practice Freedom To 1. Act based on what you want vs. what you need. Remember the should from earlier? I should go to college. I should buy a house. I should get married. I should have a kid. Ask yourself how many times you’ve done something because you thought you should — for someone else, because society or your parents told you, because it was “cool.” To be clear - I’m not talking about basic decency. That shit’s non-negotiable; a little kindness goes a long way. I’m talking about the big life choices made on someone else’s timeline. I’ve watched people walk into marriages because they thought that’s just what you do at a certain age. We all make mistakes - but that’s two people not actually choosing their own happiness. And if you’re not choosing yours, no one who interacts with you gets the best version of you, and you will begin to impact theirs. Next time a decision brings up anxiety, ask yourself: is this what I want, or do I feel the need to do this because of someone else’s opinion? 2. Next time you complain, try to turn it around. Ask: what is this situation teaching me? This is NOT toxic positivity. I’m not saying slap a smile on and call it gratitude. I’m talking about looking at your life as lessons instead of shortcomings. Real example: you’re rushing out the door and your bag hooks on the doorframe, everything spills out. You can go one of two ways. “This always happens to me, the universe is against me, I have somewhere to be.” Or did you sit on the couch scrolling for twenty extra minutes instead of getting ready??? And if you’d started five minutes earlier, you’d have walked out instead of run out. Zero backed data here, but I’d guess maybe 10% of what happens to you is genuinely random, and 90% you actually had some hand in. Where could your preparation have shifted the moment? What decisions brought you to where you are? 3. My delusional suggestion of the day - approach each day with the physical embodiment of the happiest day of your life. Bear with me. Close your eyes if you can. Think of a day - last month, last year, maybe you have to go back a decade if you’re deep in it right now - where you remember being one of the happiest days of your life. What did your body feel like? Peace? Openness? Radiating excitement? For me recently, it was a morning in Ireland overlooking the Cliffs of Moher - coffee in hand, sun out, a yoga class later that day, and everything I needed to handle before the trip was already done. I felt accomplished. At ease and excited. Now, what if you took that exact physical feeling and brought it into other moments of your life? Even the mundane ones? It may take a moment to settle into it, but 2 min to find that peace and then execution will shift your life in ways you never thought possible. Bonus practice I use every day, without fail - I look for small moments of humanity. A parent watching their kid get on the bus. A dog walking down the street, tail going a mile a minute. Holding a door for someone and watching them light up because so few people go out of their way anymore. Honestly we should all just approach the day like a dog. When you start embodying this in the small stuff, it’s a cellular shift. Life starts to look like expansion instead of something trying to beat you down. Shifting from external to internal is something we have to fight for but what if we practiced using our free will there, instead of looking at what we don’t have??? Your freedom is on the other side of making a decision to live. Lots of love, Tia I’m sure you’re not the only one struggling with this. If freedom to is a concept you understand in your head but can’t access in your body, that’s nervous system work - not a mindset problem you can think your way out of. That

  2. Jul 24

    How To Find Belief In Your Life Again

    Life has brought me up to the mountain tops and down to the pits of hell within two days of each other this week and ya know what, that’s just kind of what happens sometimes. On Thursday I was quite literally standing on the Cliffs of Moher watching the sunrise with humans I had shared a phenomenal week with. Friday morning I was back in Boston teaching an amazing yoga class and then doing a content shoot for a friend’s brand. Saturday I had a fever, body aches, couldn’t get off the couch or keep my eyes open longer than 20 min at a time. But we are back baby because this beautifully healthy body told me what I needed, I responded, and now I’m back into the swing of my beautifully full life. Which brings me to one of our Friday Feel Goods, because I needed the reminder and I figured you could too. What Is “This Is Happening For Me, Not To Me”? It’s a reframe — a one-line mental tool you use in the moment something feels hard, unfair, or heavy. Instead of asking “why is this happening to me,” you flip it to “why is this happening for me.” Same event. Completely different nervous system response. I like to teach you how to grab life by the balls confidently. I do not like to teach you how to sit back and wallow in self-pity, thinking the world is passing you by and you’re not actively a part of it. I don’t want you to fall victim to the tricks your brain likes to play on you. And if you feel like you are falling victim, start using this quote daily: “This is happening for me, not to me.” I use it every day. Why It Matters The way we can deeply, truly shift our nervous system all starts with belief. We have to believe we are capable of doing so. And even further, we have to believe we deserve to live a life that isn’t chaos-filled and reaction-based. Now - there’s a difference between busy and chaotic. And sometimes that doesn’t even look like a calendar change, but simply how we show up in it. Shifting your subconscious belief from “why does this happen to me?” to “the things in my universe are working for me” is going to unlock a dimension of reality and relief you most likely have never experienced before. It’s beautiful, eye-opening, magically wonderful - when you shift your view of your life without shifting anything else within it. The neuroscience behind it: this isn’t just a feel-good phrase. Reappraisal — the practice of deliberately reinterpreting a stressful event — has been shown in brain-imaging research to engage the prefrontal cortex in a way that helps regulate amygdala activity, the brain’s threat-detection center based on a meta-analysis of human neuroimaging studies on cognitive reappraisal. In plain terms: how you interpret a hard moment isn’t just a mindset thing, it’s a nervous system thing. Your brain builds new pathways every time you choose the reframe. How to Apply This This is one of the first tools I work with on clients, and unsurprisingly, it’s usually still one of the last things I work on with them. Because this takes time. * Notice the moment. When something feels heavy, that’s your cue — not to spiral, but to pause. * Say it out loud or in your head: “this is happening for me, not to me.” * Ask yourself: “what can I learn from this?” * Choose your response. You have a choice in how you partake - that’s the whole point. * Repeat. Every time you use it, that reappraisal muscle gets stronger. I know, I know, I know. If I’m speaking to you and you’re like “Tia I am going through a TIME and I am TIRED of the lessons” - I have been there SO many times. But how you show up in these lessons is when shifts start to happen. You have to be present and consciously making the decision to respond to these moments. And eventually the hard stuff starts to roll off your back. Masochistically enough, you start to welcome challenges, because you’ll understand that’s where the breakthrough lies. So next time something feels heavy, remind yourself: “this is happening for me, not to me.” You have a choice in how you partake. And then ask yourself, “what can I learn from this?” Looking at your place in the world as wonder rather than resentment is going to shift your day - which turns into weeks, which turns into years - in a way you never thought possible. Lots of love, Tia Is “this is happening for me, not to me” just toxic positivity? No - it’s not about pretending things don’t suck. It’s about choosing what you do with the moment instead of staying stuck in victimhood. The hard feeling is still allowed. How long does it take for this mindset shift to actually work? Longer than you want it to. This is usually one of the first tools I introduce to clients and one of the last that fully clicks - it’s a practice, not a switch. What’s the difference between being busy and being chaotic? Busy is a calendar problem. Chaotic is a nervous system problem - it’s about how you’re showing up inside your life, not how full it looks on paper. Ready to shift how your nervous system responds to hard moments? If this hit home, let’s talk - whether that’s 1:1 coaching or bringing this work to your team or stage. [Book a coaching call] or [Inquire about speaking]. Help spread the world and brighten up someones day! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    How To Find Belief In Your Life Again

  3. Jul 7

    Stop Knowing It. Start Doing It - How to Regulate In the Moment

    If we are constantly still reacting, even if we know all the tools, then we aren’t exactly integrating nor creating a better life. We’ve just become a know-it-all and a preacher instead of an actual doer. I create doers here. I don’t let life pass me by and I’m not letting you either. So here’s how to regulate in the moment when something truly just pisses you off, and you no longer want to be an angry person. This came from a Threads question about road rage, let me tell you - as an Italian Bostonian, this one’s personal. What Is Regulating In the Moment? Regulating in the moment means catching your nervous system’s reaction while it’s happening… not an hour later when you’re journaling about it, not in therapy next Tuesday. It’s the difference between knowing regulation theory and actually being a regulated person. We want to lead by example, not by presentation. Why It Matters I posted on Threads asking “what do you actually want to know about regulation?” Someone said: “how do I regulate in the moment - like in moments of road rage.” A long time ago, I realized how insane and toxic it was to be upset all the time over someone else’s actions, actions I truly had no control over. So I have set out on a mission to fix this. And for those who are thinking “it’s okay to be a little pissy sometimes- take a look at this and maybe you will take this seriously: Harvard-affiliated researchers found that the risk of heart attack was roughly five times higher in the two hours following an outburst of anger. Your rage in traffic isn’t just annoying, it’s a cardiovascular event waiting to happen. So here’s how you actually learn to regulate, instead of just knowing you should. 1. Recognize the Problem Area If you’re in a fight with someone, are you letting your emotions control the show? Or are you sticking to the facts? With road rage specifically, could it have possibly been your fault? Or is someone just not paying attention? Did someone say something hurtful? Or are you just having a s****y day and a little thing set you off? WHAT is happening. Ground yourself in the reality of a situation so you can at least find the root cause of the problem. 2. Remember What You Can Control If someone is driving like a d!ck, you cannot pull them over and say “you’re being rude and endangering the lives of others.” Unless you’re a cop, go off my dude. What you can control is your own driving and your own response. When I catch myself thinking longer than 30 seconds about someone else’s actions that technically have zero effect on me, I ask one question: Do I want to spend my life upset over what other people choose to do? No. I do not. We have to remember we are the creator of our reality. Free will is pretty sweet if we learn how to harness it. Anger manifests physically in your body as stress and sickness, and maybe I’m a bit superficial, but I want to be hot and live a long life. So… I stay away from that stuff. I am not saying it doesn’t happen and there are definitely times where recognizing my anger is beneficial to relationships, but sometimes it’s just not necessary. This next part is delusional, but it worked: I started making up scenarios to excuse people’s driving. “Wow, they must really have to pee.” Or “I hope his wife makes it to the hospital in time to deliver the baby.” If all else fails, be ~delusional~. 3. Pause Before Projecting If a conversation isn’t going your way - and you feel the anger, the hurt, the pettiness building - take a pause. It’s okay if the other person doesn’t like some silence. That’s on their dysregulation to figure out. We are all doing our best here. Learning to pause before you project is going to save you, and everyone you’re dealing with, a lot of anger and dissatisfaction. That pause deflates neuroception - a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges as part of Polyvagal Theory. It’s your nervous system’s unconscious ability to constantly scan your internal and external environment for cues of safety, danger, or threat. When you pause and reflect back to your body that “this is simply a disagreement” you interrupt a body trying to protect you from something that isn’t actually dangerous. Your language becomes a boundary you throw up to deflect what you perceive as a threat. But a disagreement isn’t going to kill you. It might insult you, it might hurt, but you are not actually in danger and therefore do not need to escalate it with a reactionary statement. Now, I am human, you are human - if you are not human and somehow listening to this, hit me up because that would lead me on a completely different career path - so sometimes you do say inflammatory comments. It happens. We go back to step number 1 here, recognize the problem area. Was it necessary to say that? Did it come from facts or emotions? Your Body Is a Science Experiment Every time you catch yourself mid-reaction and choose the pause instead, you are rewiring pathways that will allow you to choose peace over chaos. That’s you learning what your specific nervous system needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it won’t click the first try. That’s fine. Keep experimenting and TRYING. If you’re tired of knowing all the tools and still reacting the same way, that’s exactly what we build in 1:1 coaching - the actual muscle of in-the-moment regulation, not just the theory. [Book a totally free coaching call] or [inquire about having me speak on nervous system regulation] for your team or event. Lots of love, Tia Email me at: wellness@tiadevincenzo.com FAQ How do I stop road rage in the moment? Recognize whether you’re reacting to facts or emotion, remind yourself their driving isn’t yours to control, and pause before you respond — even for 10 seconds. What is neuroception and why does it matter for regulation? Neuroception is your nervous system’s automatic scan for safety or danger, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Understanding it helps you recognize when your body is overreacting to something that isn’t a real threat. Can you actually learn to regulate in the moment, or does it take years? You can start practicing immediately — it’s a skill, not a personality trait. It gets easier with repetition, not perfection. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  4. Jul 3

    Nobody Wants Black Coffee: Stop Naming What You Don't Want

    I’m trying something a little different with this one, shorter, quicker, more of a “here’s a tool I actually use” than a full teardown. So let’s get into it: a concept I call black coffee. I didn’t invent this. I wish I could take credit, but somewhere along the way, I picked it up, and it’s stuck with me. If you’re the original source, come find me. I’ll shout you out to my micro (but growing!) audience. Here’s the concept, and here’s why it matters more than it sounds like it should. What Is the Black Coffee Method? The Black Coffee Method is a language check for catching yourself mid-spiral, when you’re describing your life - or your future - only in terms of what you don’t want. Picture it: you walk into a coffee shop and tell the barista, “I don’t want black coffee.” Cool. Now what? The barista doesn’t know what to make you. There are thousands of drinks that aren’t black coffee. Telling them what you’re rejecting gives them nothing to work with. That’s what it sounds like when you say “I don’t want to be miserable anymore” or “I don’t want to be doing this job in 10 years.” True, probably. Also useless as direction. You’ve told the universe - or your own nervous system, or whoever’s taking the order - everything you’re avoiding and nothing you’re aiming for. My Story: The Decade I Spent Ordering Black Coffee I spent a good chunk of my 20s in a genuinely dark place. Looking back, I think the only reason I didn’t spiral further down than I did was dance. I had to move my body every single day, no negotiating. It gave my nervous system somewhere to go that wasn’t just round and round in my own head. Since then I’ve spent a lot of time studying the subconscious mind, the nervous system, and how much power our language actually has. Power I think we’ve collectively lost touch with, because we’re more focused on saying things that get attention rather than saying things that are true. That’s where black coffee came from. My husband and I built it as a code word for each other. If I catch myself saying “I don’t want to go back to my full-time job,” or “I don’t want to still be here in 10 years” one of us will just say it: black coffee. That’s it. That’s the whole intervention. It breaks the pattern. We recognize we are focusing on the path of resistance, rather than the path that will help us move forward. And it works, because it forces the follow-up question: okay, so what do I want instead? The Research Behind “Approach” vs. “Avoidance” Goals This isn’t just a cute metaphor, it maps onto real, well-documented psychology. Researchers distinguish between approach goals (moving toward something you want) and avoidance goals (moving away from something you don’t want). Multiple studies in motivation psychology have found that avoidance-framed goals are consistently linked to lower wellbeing, more anxiety, and worse follow-through than approach-framed goals because “away from” doesn’t give your brain a clear target to organize behavior around. In plain language: when your internal (or spoken) script is all “I don’t want this,” you’re not giving yourself, or your nervous system, a destination. You’re just narrating the exit with no map to anywhere else. Essentially you are free falling into the void. Key insight to keep with you: Naming what you don’t want is a valid, important first step. It becomes a problem when it’s the only step. How to Apply This: 3 Steps to Break the “I Don’t Want” Loop * Catch the phrase. Notice when “I don’t want...” shows up in your own head or out loud. You don’t have to judge it, just notice it. * Say your black coffee. Literally, or your version of it. Name it out loud to yourself or to someone close to you: “I’m doing the thing again.” * Ask the follow-up question immediately. “Okay… so what do I actually want instead?” You don’t need the full answer right away. Even a rough, half-formed direction is more useful to your nervous system than another lap around what you’re avoiding. It could be the exact inverse of the sentence. But take the don’t and turn it into a do. This isn’t about toxic positivity or banning the word “don’t.” It’s about noticing when avoidance language has become the entire conversation, and giving yourself somewhere else to go. Naming what you don’t want is easy. Building the language, and the nervous system capacity, to name what you do want, and actually move toward it, is the harder, slower work. That’s the work I do with clients 1:1 and in retreats. If you’re ready to stop ordering black coffee and figure out your actual order, let’s connect! Lots of love, Tia Let’s be besties and support each other. FAQ Is the Black Coffee Method a form of manifestation? It overlaps with manifestation language, but you don’t need to believe in “the universe” for it to work. It’s grounded in real approach-vs-avoidance goal research, the mechanism is your own brain and behavior, not a cosmic order form. What if I genuinely don’t know what I want yet? That’s normal, and you don’t need a fully formed answer. Start smaller: “I don’t know exactly what I want, but I want to feel less trapped” is still an approach statement — it points somewhere, even if it’s vague. How is this different from just “thinking positive”? Toxic positivity tells you to ignore what’s wrong. This method doesn’t ask you to stop noticing what you don’t want — it just asks you not to stop there. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  5. Jun 30

    Your Brain Has A Hijacker.

    I put out a post on Threads asking what people actually want when it comes to nervous system regulation. Because I could talk shit all day long here, but if it doesn’t HELP you, it doesn’t matter. One woman wrote back: “Understanding emotions as a language. What they’re trying to communicate, how to respond in a way that promotes regulation rather than fueling the spiral.” I love this because who here has been in an argument and had zero idea what the person in front of you was trying to say? Then they get frustrated. You get frustrated that they’re frustrated. Now you’re both pissed off because no one’s speaking the same language anymore and the day ends in an argument no one signed up for. This isn’t uncommon but it is one of the most important practices we can master, as long as we give ourselves patience and practice it with others. What happens here is someone gets emotionally flooded mid-conversation, their nervous system has essentially “hijacked” their rational brain. Recognizing this, and staying regulated yourself, is the difference between a fight and a resolution - but how do we understand what is happening to the person in front of us in real time? What Is Neurological Hijacking? When the person in front of you is heated, two things help: * You understand what’s happening in their nervous system. * You don’t match their escalation. Here’s what’s happening in their brain. When emotions take the wheel instead of logic, that’s neurological hijacking. Very scientific here. I love a good action movie, so entertain me with this analogy. Picture your brain as the opening scene. The prefrontal cortex is the skilled driver of an submarine. Inside the submarine is your judgment, your logic, and your ability to think clearly under pressure. Then, out of nowhere, hijackers ambush the submarine. The leader is the amygdala. The leader (amygdala) doesn’t ask, “Is this actually dangerous?” It sees a threat and takes the wheel, shoving the driver aside. The mission has changed. The sonar which holds your long-term goals, environmental understanding, gets completely ignored and your rational thinking is abandoned. The only objective now is survival with no experience behind the wheel. We are grasping. The amygdala puts everything into emergency mode: * Engine revs higher (heart rate spikes) * Fuel diverts to the engine (blood rushes to your muscles) * Comms shut down (digestion, creativity, complex thought go offline) * Every alarm starts blaring Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, your trained strategist, hasn’t disappeared. It’s just zip-tied in the back seat. That’s neurological hijacking. Here’s the thing: the hijackers aren’t evil. In the movie, they think what they are doing is for the GREATER GOOD. They’re trying to keep you alive with the information they have. The problem is they’re running an outdated playbook. To the amygdala, a tense conversation can look a lot like life-threatening danger. Now how do we essentially armor our submarine with better support? Why This Matters Nervous system regulation. Every slow breath, every grounding exercise, every reminder that you’re safe loosens the restraints on the prefrontal cortex. The alarms quiet. The strategist climbs back into the driver’s seat. The mission gets back on course. The goal isn’t to eliminate the work of the amygdala. We need it to keep us alive. It’s our alert system. The goal is making sure it doesn’t hijack our processing center every time someone or something upsets us. This isn’t just relationship advice, it’s biology that affects us in every aspect of our lives. Research has found an inverse relationship between amygdala and prefrontal cortex activity: the more activated your amygdala gets, the less activated your prefrontal cortex becomes. When emotions run high, blood and oxygen shift away from the part of your brain responsible for clear thinking. You’re not imagining it when a conversation suddenly feels impossible. Your partner’s brain, or yours, is running on fumes simply grasping for whatever will keep you afloat, rather than what is the best way to move forward. How to Talk to Someone Who’s Dysregulated Best advice I’ve ever gotten: treat these interactions like you’re talking to a two-year-old. Or maybe you are??? Assume the person in front of you doesn’t know what they’re saying, and neither do you. This happened to me last night with my husband. We went for a couples massage 🤤 and right after, he started telling about something that came up for him while he was on the table. He specifically used the word “entangled” in regards to larger concepts and I was NOT following. He was getting pretty frustrated with my response and I genuinely had to check myself so… I went back to the toddler concept. When a toddler doesn’t have the words for what they’re feeling and get frustrated, the shutdown on their end may look like: * A temper tantrum * Isolation * Anger * Defeated tears Adults do this too. We just forgot that we are working with the same system as a toddler, and although we would hope a little more knowledge, that’s not always the case. So how do you talk to someone who’s dysregulated? First: sometimes you have to be the regulated one. Full stop. We live in a selfish culture and if someone doesn’t naturally slot into our lives, we cancel them. But sometimes people just need guidance and a little love. So even when you want to be the toddler who shuts down, you have to be the one who guides the conversation toward regulating BOTH of you. All of these will take deep levels of self-awareness, which if you stick around here - you’ll be a pro. Steps to Listen to Emotions as a Language * Listen without judgment. When my husband first told me what he was experiencing, I was tired and thought “what the hell is he talking about?” Then I caught myself judging him through my own somatic lens, which is nothing like his and took a step back. * Notice your physical reaction. If you flinch or tense up or pull a face, remind yourself: they’re allowed to feel things too. Even if we don’t like it. If understanding how you physically manifest dissatisfaction is new to you: * Say you’re processing. You don’t owe an instant response, but you do owe them a form of communication. I get SO aggravated when my husband goes quiet, which used to send us down a dark path because I’d assume he was ignoring me. Now we use a filler phrase: “I don’t have an answer to that right now.” That’s it. It helps me understand he is listening, and it helps him process. Not everything has to be immediate, it’s okay to take time. * Ask clarifying questions the second things start sounding foreign. It helps you understand what they are trying to get at and it helps them sharpen what they’re actually trying to say. Open ended clarifying questions (why, how, where, when) invite more opportunity for explanation. Closed questions get a yes or no to solidify. * Detach from the outcome. You can’t predict anyone’s emotions, no matter how well you know them. Stay present and care enough to reach a resolution, but stop trying to steer toward the outcome you want. When someone’s deeply dysregulated, they might get annoyed by all the over-communicating. Stay gentle. Stay open. They’ll come around. The goal: help them find the root, then work on choosing a path forward. If this pattern shows up in your relationships, or you want to go deeper on nervous system regulation, that’s the work I do 1:1. [Book a coaching session], or reach out about having me speak on this at your next event. Lots of love, Tia Email me at: wellness@tiadevincenzo.com FAQ What is neurological hijacking? It’s when the amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, overrides the prefrontal cortex, your logic and judgment center, causing emotional reactions instead of rational ones. How do I stay regulated when someone else is dysregulated? Listen without judgment, notice your own physical reactions, ask clarifying questions, and detach from controlling the outcome. Your regulation helps co-regulate them. Why do I shut down or get angry during arguments? Your nervous system perceives a threat, even an emotional one, and triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s not a character flaw. It’s biology, and it’s workable. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  6. Jun 24

    Does it feel like your body is betraying you?

    This article could have gone one of two ways. I could have written about how chronic stress leads to injury. How the more you listen to your body and respond appropriately, the less potential there is for you to end up hurt. And honestly, that would have been a great article. I probably will do that one day. But a recent conversation I had lead me to this path instead. The despair you feel when you’re injured and can’t function in your normal range of life. The mental battle of being knocked sideways by your own body and feeling betrayed by your physical capabilities. Because that shit is hard to get through. The whole reason I started learning about the body, which turned into the nervous system, which turned into everything I do now, is because I was a high-level dancer who was constantly injured. Not your typical banged up once in a while and exhausted from hours of movement injured. I mean I got cortisone-shots-in-both-hips-at-17 injured. I tore a disc in my spine at 20 that haunted me for years because they kept misdiagnosing me. A fractured foot I danced on for seven months before I let it rest. And to round it out, a dislocated knee - twice - in the span of a year. Some of those injuries left me in bed for days and out of my routine for weeks, even months, or for my back - a few years of not knowing the real problem. The mental battles that came with them were heavy and nobody could help me through that, except myself. So here’s what I actually did to regulate my nervous system while I was dealing with injuries that left me feeling debilitated. What Is Nervous System Regulation During Injury? Nervous system regulation is your body’s ability to move between activation (fight-or-flight) and recovery (rest-and-digest). When you’re injured, your nervous system can get stuck on high alert (in the sympathetic nervous system). It reads the pain as a threat signal and keeps your body flooded with stress hormones. That’s why you can’t sleep. Why you’re irritable. Why everything feels more hopeless than it probably is. I mean when I messed up my back, I was truly laying in bed wondering “is this it?!”. Regulating your nervous system during injury means intentionally creating conditions where your body feels safe enough to stop fighting and start healing. When your nervous system is stuck in sympathetic overdrive (fight or flight), your body is prioritizing perceived danger over repair. I know when you’re in pain, your first thought is to be out of it. But this isn’t about rushing the process of healing. It’s about finding patience within it. Slowing down enough to let your body do what it already knows how to do - heal. Your body is a science experiment and it WANTS to fix you. But if you are constantly in an activated state, it will start fighting you to keep you alive. How to Regulate Your Nervous System While Injured 1. Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever. Get it tattooed if you have to. There is always an answer. Sometimes it doesn’t come as fast as you want it to but this injury will not last forever. Anchoring yourself to that truth and actually sitting with it, is one of the most underrated nervous system tools there is. 2. Get outside. Even for five minutes. One of the first things I encourage clients to do after an injury to add into their routine is to step outside. Fresh air, natural light, a few quiet minutes where you’re not staring at your ceiling or your phone are crucial. Research shows that natural environments lower sympathetic nervous system activation and support the shift toward rest-and-recover mode, which will ultimately allow you body to speed up the healing process. Five minutes outside can start that shift. An amazing documentary that you can watch for free!! Is The Earthing Movie. If you are not familiar with grounding techniques, this is something I have incorporated into my practice. 10 out of 10. 3. Move your body in SOME capacity. When I dislocated my knee, I did upper body work. When I hurt my back, yin yoga was my best friend. It doesn’t have to look like your “normal routine” - it’s not one size fits all. But if you don’t use it, you lose it. And by “it,” I mean your mental sanity. Movement, even modified movement, sends a signal to your nervous system that you’re still here, still capable, still okay. If you’ve ever been injured, you know that particular feeling of your body betraying you. And it SUCKS. But I promise, it’s not betrayal. It’s just a different way of speaking to you and gives you a lot of insight into how you are living your life. Where there may be pieces anatomically you need to improve, where you could dial it back. As I said, your body is a science experiment and sometimes an injury gives you parameters. If this landed and you’re realizing your body has been trying to tell you something for a while, that’s worth paying attention to. I mean we only have one of them anyways. I work with clients 1:1 to understand what their nervous system is communicating and build practical tools for regulation, recovery, and actually feeling even better than you could of possibly imagined. [Book a 1:1 connection here.] Lots of love, Tia Why does injury feel so mentally devastating, even when the pain is manageable? Because your nervous system doesn’t separate physical threat from emotional threat. An injury activates the same stress-response pathways as any perceived danger — keeping you in fight-or-flight even when you’re physically safe on your couch. The mental weight is real, and it’s neurological. Can regulating my nervous system actually support physical healing? Yes. Chronic stress and sympathetic nervous system activation direct your body’s resources toward survival rather than repair. Shifting into a parasympathetic state through nature exposure, gentle movement, and mindset anchors creates the internal conditions where healing becomes possible. It’s not about speeding up the process - it’s about not getting in the way of it. What’s the first thing to do when an injury derails your routine? Get outside. Before you modify your workout plan, before you spiral about your timeline - five minutes of fresh air and natural light is one of the most accessible tools for shifting your nervous system toward safety. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  7. Jun 19

    Afraid of Dying? Let's talk about it.

    “Death is without a doubt, my biggest fear.” She said through a choked-up throat and blurry eyes. This was in a conversation with a co-worker. And unsurprisingly, I doubt she’s the only one who has this fear at the forefront of her mind. I mean, your brain’s entire job is to keep you alive to avoid the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable for all of us - dying - so it makes sense that you’d inherently be afraid of it. Her reasoning was she’s afraid of her kids having to live a life without her. F*****g valid. That would suck. But I think it goes deeper for many people. They’re afraid to live unapologetically while they’re here, and that’s what they’re really afraid of isn’t death itself, but dying unfulfilled. “Not enough time. Not enough money.” The most common excuse as to why something can’t be done. There is never enough time. We need to learn to get over that and find a way to enjoy the time we have here. But how do we do that when there’s this impending doom over a majority of the world thinking we’re doing it “wrong”? IT as in life. And WRONG as in we’ve missed our chance to live a life fulfilled. Now, I am not sitting here saying “I’d love to die.” But I know if I passed tomorrow, I would be very proud of the life I’ve lived. So how do we get over the fear of death and focus on the joy of life instead? The age-old question that will truly help you make the most of your time here. Ram Dass put it best: What else can better prepare you to die than the way you live? The game is to be where you are – honestly, consciously, and as fully as you know how. What Is Fear of Living? Fear of living is when the fear of dying unfulfilled becomes so loud that it stops you from actually doing the things that would make your life feel full. It shows up as overthinking, avoidance, and a constant loop of “what if” that keeps you stuck in wanting instead of doing. The ultimate goal here is to be present in your life, so you can make decisions from a space of safety and confidence - rather than moving from a state of fear. I run retreats for part of my living, and holy shit, it’s so fun to show people that their fear of an event is usually WAY scarier than the actual doing of the event. The Science of the Brain Behind Fear Before we get into the emotional side of fear and what’s holding us back, let’s look at the brain structure behind it. What’s actually happening when you process fear?? The amygdala (commonly nicknamed the lizard brain, though that’s a simplification more than a precise model) scans for threats and triggers panic when it’s trying to keep you safe. This is the part that says “buckle up we are heading into fight or flight".” Your hippocampus (sounds like a really cool band name) encodes memories from past experiences so your brain can recognize threats going forward. Your prefrontal cortex is the decision-maker. It’s also the logical part of your brain that weighs risk, anticipates future events, and creates conscious which sometimes leads to existential dread. Here’s the catch: the prefrontal cortex gets really fuzzy and essentially goes on vacation when you’re in fight-or-flight, triggered by the amygdala. The goal is to create a space, and different neural plasticity, where the fight or flight is not as easily accessible in your body. When your brain feels safe, your prefrontal cortex can do it’s job and bring rationality into the mix to help anxiety fall behind. Why It Matters If your prefrontal cortex shuts off every time fear shows up, you never get to the part of your brain that can actually evaluate whether the fear is rational. You stay stuck reacting instead of deciding. That’s how “I want to” turns into “I never did,” year after year, until the fear of an unlived life actually becomes an unlived life. So, how do we get over the fear of living so we’re no longer afraid of dying unfulfilled? I’m going to approach this like I have tattoos in my life recently, so bear with me. I have 6 tattoos, technically 7, because one of them is a cover-up. 3 were very thoughtfully planned out. The others... well, I just said one was a cover-up, so I think you get where I’m going with this. In my late teens and early twenties, I’d get them done on a whim. None of them are truly outrageous, but it was a fun little thing I did because you know… I wantd to be ~different~. When you’re that age, to bring the brain back in, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed yet. You struggle with this thing called compounding time and don’t truly understand the longevity factor. Anyways, I got a lot of tattoos I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s okay, I’ve made peace with that. NOW when it comes to tattoos, I won’t get one until I’ve sat on the thought for at least a year. There’s one I’m sitting on for 5 years. This is to make sure future me won’t need to spend more money on the cover up because my prefrontal cortex went out to lunch and I needed to feel alive by putting a little permanent marking on my body. Now when I get a tattoo, I am confident it is something I truly want. So how does this tie into our fear of living??? When we’re making decisions about how to live without fear, it’s just not possible. Fear is there to keep us ALIVE, remember?! But we can learn how to mitigate the fear of living through analysis and finding confidence in our decision making abilities. How to Apply This: A Step-by-Step Exercise This is for the WANTERs looking to become a DOER. I recently almost caught myself in the wanting trap and stopped myself from living because of the fear of an outcome that COULD happen, but was in no way guaranteed TO happen. So, a little exercise, if you will. Think about something you’ve wanted to do for a long time but have always somehow talked yourself out of. This could be as big as “I want to go on a month-long trip” or as small as “I want to apply for a new job, but I’m afraid of rejection” or “I want to say hi to that person I think is really cute.” Once you’ve got it, let’s go on a little journey together. * Think of the worst possible scenario that could happen. My husband hates this about me, because when we go on a “risky” adventure, I look up how many people have died doing it. I call it being prepared. He calls me crazy. I just like to know ALL the outcomes. There is only one absolute worse case scenario, and we’ve already kind of uncovered why we are afraid of it (death) so give me another one. * Back that up with evidence as to why it will happen to you. I bet you can’t say with certainty that it will. There is nothing 100% certain in this life. (Except you uplevel­ing your life by reading this.) But give yourself the evidence that it will absolutely happen to you. I’ll wait. * Write down all the amazing things that COULD happen if you tried this. I call this delusional dreaming, best case scenario, and then some. There will be MANY so keep writing, or listing them in your head. * Write down all the evidence of why best-case scenarios have happened in your life before. One time my mom took me to NYC and said, “Tia, you get nothing in life for free, especially in New York City.” That night, a guy gave me a slice of pizza for free. Take that, Mom. I didn’t believe her. I believed there are good people out there, and if you treat people kindly, I promise 90% of people will treat you kindly back. * Then, just go do the damn thing. We need repetition to get over fear. I don’t care if that looks like bringing your bestie to hold your hand or workshopping something before you send it. Just do it and you will quickly realize that the fear of DOING the thing was actually harder than the action. This is how we retrain our subconscious to believe possibility is out there for us, and that life is meant to be lived, not spent worrying about what happens when we’re in the ground. We can retrain our brain, but sometimes we need to train it to see the good by catastrophizing the bad first. Then showing ourselves that the good is actually more present in the day-to-day than we think. Our brains absolutely need evidence to back things up. I will not just sit here and tell you to “think positively.” It’s REALLY easy to focus on the negative. But we can retrain our brain through neural plasticity to see the positive instead. This is how we override the fear of living, and therefore no longer fear death. You will become so freaking focused on the beautiful life you are creating, that you won’t even entertain the thought of the opposite. Through self-belief and the ability to notice the realm of possibility around us. Lots of love (and life!) Tia P.S. If you are sick of being a wanter and are ready to become a doer, let’s have a conversation! Let me hear your story, I’m sure it’s phenomenal. Do it. I dare you. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  8. Jun 9

    Stop Spiraling When Your Schedule is FULL

    Last week I spent a good chunk of my time staring at my screen saying “what the f** am I supposed to do next??” My schedule was beyond packed. I work full time. I take on 1:1 clients (come work with me! Your life will transform.) I plan epic retreats. I teach classes outside of my full-time job in the mornings and evenings. I speak in other people’s co-horts and on stages. I’m building a women’s collaborative network in Boston. And, I think the most important component, I really want to be an attentive wife. After I taught a yoga class on Wednesday night I was WIRED laying in bed. Luckily my husband let me brain dump and just speak my truth. By Thursday morning, I had a plan of action. I moved some meetings around. I cancelled some things on myself, one of which was filming this podcast twice a week and making it weekly instead. I gave myself grace and didn’t let myself fall into the pit of despair and paralysis that it will never grow because I am not grinding into the ground. When I started The Regulation Revolution, I did it because I realized I wasn’t the only one who has a full life that sometimes can get ahead of themselves. It is hard to not spiral into your own mind. And your body will respond in ways that drag you down if you don’t intervene. I know in my heart of hearts that it is hard out there, but with the right tips and tricks - life can be pretty f*****g epic. What REALLY Is Overwhelm?? Overwhelm isn’t just having too much to do. It’s what happens when your nervous system hits capacity and your brain can no longer triage effectively. The result is that frozen, screen-staring, what the f** am I supposed to do next feeling. This is a physiological state, not a personal failure. So shut up and compliment yourself right now. When your system is overloaded, your prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for planning and decision-making - goes offline. You’re not being weak or disorganized. You’re dysregulated and good news is, we can fix that. The Overwhelm Reality Check Your Nervous System Cannot Plan From Threat Mode Research in cognitive neuroscience consistently shows that chronic stress impairs executive function - the brain’s ability to prioritize, sequence, and make decisions. When your cortisol is elevated and your system is in a threat response, you are biologically less capable of organizing your workload. What does that mean??? You are not failing at time management, your brain is essentially short circuiting. That distinction matters, because the solution isn’t to push harder. It’s to bring yourself down to baseline regulation first, then plan. And when you understand the pattern of this coming up, you will be able to catch yourself from the spiral and recalculate. So here is exactly what I did to stop myself from the spiral of ~despair~. Step 1: Reframe to the Big Picture I stopped looking at the week as a massive pile of tasks and asked myself one question: what is my actual goal by the end of this week? Not everything on the list NEEDED to be completed. I just needed one north star. Step 2: Move the Things That Don’t Serve the Goal I looked at what was on my calendar that week and asked whether it was moving me toward that goal or further away from it. A few things were not. I didn’t delete them and moved them to the following week. Out of the week, not out of my life. That difference matters for your nervous system because it likes structure and plans. This can be confused with procrastination, but it is not. It is delegating time for a project where you can focus on it Step 3: Ask Yourself What You’re Making Harder I kept asking myself: I can do hard things but what am I making harder for myself? This is recognizing your ego. Was I really going to let a podcast about nervous system regulation wreck me?! No. Not around here partner. We practice what we preach. This will bring your prefrontal cortex back online and interrupt the threat loop. Step 4: Move Your Body for 20 Minutes Not a full workout. Twenty minutes. Some days it looks like 10 Min. That’s it!!! Research from Princeton University found that exercise actually reorganizes the brain to reduce stress reactivity, meaning movement doesn’t just feel good in the moment, it trains your nervous system to respond to threat differently over time. Twenty minutes or ten minutes isn’t nothing. Sometimes regulation looks like slowing down and breathing. But sometimes, especially when you’re anxious and activated, you need to shake it out. Movement metabolizes the stress hormones your body has been producing. It is not optional when you’re this activated. It is the medicine. Step 5: Give Yourself Grace OUT LOUD I forced myself to say one thing I was proud of accomplishing that day. I said one thing I was grateful for. And then I let the rest go. Not forever. Just for that day. This is not toxic positivity. This is a deliberate pattern interrupt that signals to your nervous system that you are safe, that something went right today, and that you do not need to stay in alert mode tonight. The Permission Slip Nobody Gives You Delegation isn’t failure. Cancelling something isn’t giving up. Moving a task to next week isn’t falling behind. It is how you protect your capacity so you can show up for the things that actually matter. Like your friends, the work your love, your kids, your family. Overwhelm lives in the gap between what your schedule demands and what your nervous system can hold. The goal isn’t to do everything. The goal is to stay regulated while doing the important things well. That’s it. That’s the whole point. Lots of love, Tia I LOVE doing one to one work and if this interests you, shoot me a message! Let’s have a genuine conversation about things you may be struggling with and the life you want to live. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

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About

A place to regulate your nervous from one human to another. tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Tia DeVincenzo - Nervous System Regulation Expert
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    25
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Tia
  • Show Website
    The Regulation Revolution