The Regulation Revolution

Tia DeVincenzo - Nervous System Regulation Expert
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A place to regulate your nervous from one human to another. tiadevincenzo.substack.com

  1. 2d ago

    Someone Else's Wins Triggered Me.

    I’m going to be very real here. I recently caught myself judging someone for talking about their accomplishments. I was sitting at lunch and the person I was with was going on and on about all these amazing things, and I was getting more and more agitated with what she was saying. At one point I looked over to my husband and with the, “alright, I get it” look. And his response checked me back into reality. I was being unkind. I took a step back and asked myself: was I actually annoyed with her? Was I jealous? Or was I overstimulated and just not in a very open state? It was the latter. I am not here to tell you to never be annoyed with someone if they are genuinely being overbearing, but I wasn’t being kind, and I had to ask myself: is this a me problem? Truthfully, it was. It was totally a me problem. Because this person was simply talking about something she was proud of. And I wasn’t doing the same. I was having a low day because my tasks felt unfinished, I had no new news to share, I didn’t get much sleep and so I didn’t want to celebrate anyone because I couldn’t celebrate myself. But here’s the thing: I can still be proud of myself even when nothing monumental happened that week. I was being triggered socially and that shit is not cool. What Is Social Triggering? Social triggering is when another person’s words, energy, or behavior activate your nervous system’s threat response, even when there’s NO actual threat. It doesn’t always look like a blowup. Sometimes it looks like quiet irritation, a tight jaw, or a voice in your head saying I get it already. This type of dysregulation is common and not often acknowledged as a nervous system problem. It’s usually a “YOU” problem instead of a “ME” problems. Why It Matters Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that our nervous systems are constantly co-regulating. This means it is picking up on the emotional states of the people around us. Think about how you meet an anxious human and then their dog is also always somehow anxious. We pick up on the energy around us. But when someone is in a high-energy, expansive state and we’re depleted, that gap can register as a threat. Not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because our system may already be running on low and not have the capacity to work with theirs. This isn’t a character flaw in us on how we exist, it’s just information we can use to understand ourselves and how we exist in society. While a large part of nervous system regulation is getting yourself out of fight or flight, another huge part is learning to exist with other people, even when they aren’t your people, even when they’re having a bigger day than you. This is how we stop the breakdown of relationships, networking opportunities, and simply existing with others. Now when you check yourself in this judgmental state, this is how we shift back into regulation. Step 1: Remove Yourself - Even for 60 Seconds I politely excused myself, said I needed the bathroom, stepped away, and took a couple of deep breaths. That’s it. You don’t need a 20-minute reset. You need a pause to recalibrate and ask yourself a few questions. Step 2: Run the Reality Check I came back to these four questions: * Is she insulting me? No. * Am I being reactive right now? Yes. * Do I need to contribute, or can I allow her to just speak? I can allow. * Do I have enough energy for that? Yes. Step 3: Release the Expectation That You Need to Perform Sometimes when we’re in conversations, we think we need to match someone’s energy, answer every question, contribute something meaningful. You don’t. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Letting someone else take up space is not a loss for you, we just need to differentiate between “am I needed as a contributor?” or “can I just be their cheerleader?” Step 4: Come Back With Curiosity Instead of Judgment When I returned to the table, I shifted from why is she like this to she’s really excited about her life right now. This reframe changed how the rest of the lunch felt for me, and I am sure for her. Remember - co-regulating. The Regulation Moments Nobody Talks About This is what gets swept under the rug in conversations about regulation: it doesn’t always look like screaming or a full body breakdown. Sometimes it looks like quiet resentment over lunch. A forced smile. An internal eye roll and then self judgment. These small moments are where regulation actually lives, and where it actually matters. When you take the reaction out of it, you allow yourself to experience. The conversation and the person fully. And yourself, more honestly. That’s the work. Lots of love, Tia PS. If this feels like a pattern in your life, this is the work I do with people and organizations to re-establish stability and growth in your life. Please reach out and let’s talk! Email: wellness@tiadevincenzo.com Website: intuitivelytia.com Frequently Asked Questions Why do I get irritated when people talk about their accomplishments? Irritation around others' success is often a nervous system response, not a character flaw. When your system is depleted, someone else's high energy can register as an unconscious threat — especially if it contrasts with how you're feeling about your own life in that moment. What does nervous system dysregulation look like in social situations? It doesn't always look dramatic. Social dysregulation can show up as quiet irritation, impatience, wanting to leave, or an inability to be genuinely happy for someone else. These are all signals worth paying attention to. How do I regulate my nervous system around difficult people? Start with a physical pause — even 60 seconds alone to breathe. Then run a reality check: is this person actually a threat, or is my system just overwhelmed? From there, release the pressure to perform or match their energy. Presence, not contribution, is often all that's needed. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    21 min

  2. May 27

    Are You Living for Others or Yourself?

    I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast and Dr. Gad Saad was the guest. Dr. Saad is an evolutionary psychologist who coined the term, suicidal empathy. And to be honest, it is definitely a controversial stand - but it’s also something I agree with. Dr. Saad describes suicidal empathy as a dangerous, hyperactive form of altruism where emotional compassion for ostensibly marginalized groups overrides rational decision-making, common sense, and self-preservation. Dr. Saad described a case in Norway where a man was sexually assaulted by an immigrant. The perpetrator served his sentence and was set to be deported. The victim fell into a deep depression — not because of the crime itself, but because he felt responsible for the consequences. He was terrified of being judged. Of being seen as the problem. Of what people would think. Once I heard his terminology and multiple stories, it made me realize that this isn’t just applicable when it comes to marginalized people. This can be seen everywhere. What Is Suicidal Empathy? Suicidal empathy is when your fear of social judgment, or your empathy for how others might feel, overrides your own needs, truth, and wellbeing. It’s not just people-pleasing. It’s self-erasure in service of social acceptance. We have gone so far in the direction of “I can’t say or laugh at that because it might hurt someone’s feelings” that people aren’t actually saying anything anymore. They’re not living. They’re performing. I see this constantly in my work - people making decisions in their careers, their relationships, where they go to school - not because it’s what they want, but because they’re terrified of what everyone else will think. Neuroscience note: Research on social conformity shows the brain’s threat-detection system (the amygdala) responds to social rejection in the same way it responds to physical danger. This means fear of judgment isn’t weakness, it’s a wiring that has been built overtime. Why It Matters This pattern doesn’t just show up one day. It develops over time and becomes so ingrained you stop noticing it. You’re not making free choices anymore, or thinking freely, you’re operating inside an invisible cage built from other people’s opinions. People are quite literally stopping themselves from enjoying their lives because they are afraid of offending someone who isn’t even in the room. In Relationships When I started dating my now-husband while living in London, he was NOT your proper, put-together Brit. He isn’t even British. He was a drainlayer. I lived with some posh roommates and when he showed up after work in grungy clothes my roommates were like, “ew, why are you with him?” Completely ignoring the fact that he was coming from a LONG day at work to simply spend time with me. He didn’t fit the mold. And I LOVED that about him. The guy who did fit the mold with fancy clothes and taking me out to expensive dinners, was so boring I actually dreaded seeing a text from him. No real connection. If I had listened to everyone’s commentary on who I should be dating, I wouldn’t be with the man who makes me coffee every morning and isn’t afraid of hard work. In Your Social Life I recently went to see Shane Gillis, a comedian who is absolutely not politically correct. One of my yoga students was there and saw me as we were entering the stadium. When she came to class a couple weeks later, she told me, “I almost felt bad laughing.” I asked her: did you think the jokes were funny? “Yeah, hilarious.” Do you think he’s a bad person? “No, absolutely not.” Then why not laugh at something that made you laugh? For context, Gillis also runs a coffee shop for people with down syndrome and actively donates to Special Olympics and veteran organizations. Comedians are meant to walk the line. That’s literally their job. The people telling you to stop laughing aren’t necessarily doing more good in the world. They’re just louder and making you feel guilty for enjoying yourself. Reclaiming Your Own Decisions The most liberating thing I ever internalized was this: no one gives a f**k. I know that can sound depressing. But unless you’re in a real downward spiral and the people who love you are genuinely worried, most people are not spending their days consumed by your choices. They’re thinking about their own lives and what to do with them. I say this with love and radical acceptance. So when you’re facing a decision and feel the weight of everyone’s opinions pressing in, here’s what I work through with clients: * Check the source. When someone offers an opinion, ask yourself: is this coming from love or from judgment? “I would never do it that way” = judgment. “Do you think this is the best way to go about things?” = love. One is information. The other is noise. * Expand the timeline. If you make this decision, how will it impact your life tangibly? Can you picture yourself in that future? Is it a future you’d actually want to exist in? We can’t predict the future, but there are absolutely indicators for if we could see ourselves there or not in the distant future. * Check your body, not just your brain. Is this a full-body yes? I know, I KNOW this is a bit corny, but it is something I work on with clients and myself somatically. Sometimes we are overjoyed with the YES and sometimes…. You are doing it because it’s the “right” thing to do. Learning how to discern this is life changing. Your nervous system knows before your mind does. * Name whose voice it is. When the thought “what will people think?” shows up, ask yourself whose voice is that? Is it yours, or is it an old fear you inherited from someone else? * Decide from your future self. The version of you who already made the leap isn’t afraid of the judgment you’re currently dreading. Make the decision from that place. Suicidal empathy is not a character flaw. It’s wiring. And wiring can change. The work I do with clients isn’t just about mindset — it’s somatic. It’s nervous system regulation. Teaching people to feel the difference between a fear-based choice and a values-based one — in their body, not just their head. Ready to Stop Living in Someone Else’s Story? I work with individuals and organizations on nervous system regulation, fear-based patterns, and embodied leadership. If this resonated, I’d love to connect - whether through 1:1 coaching, a workshop, or a speaking engagement - I love it all. Frequently Asked Questions What is suicidal empathy and how does it affect decision making? Suicidal empathy is a term coined by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Gad Saad to describe the pattern of suppressing your own needs, trauma, or truth to avoid social backlash. It affects decision making by putting you into a fear-based state where choices are driven by others' perceptions rather than your own values. How does fear of judgment affect the nervous system? Chronic fear of judgment activates the nervous system's threat response, keeping you in a low-grade state of stress. Over time this becomes a default mode — making it hard to distinguish between genuine danger and social disapproval. It's not weakness. It's a survival pattern your brain developed to keep you safe. How do I stop making decisions based on what others think? Start by identifying whether feedback is coming from love or judgment, expand your decision-making timeline, and check in with your body's response — not just your mind. Working on nervous system regulation at a somatic level — not just cognitively — is what actually rewires fear-based patterns. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    33 min

  3. May 19

    How to Find Confidence in the Unknown

    There’s been this ongoing conversation lately between me and one of my co-workers. She is a bit younger than me and is going through that mid-20’s (or maybe always?) low-grade existential crisis. The kind where you stare at your coffee for a little too long and ask yourself:How do I know I’m actually moving forward?How do I feel confident in the decisions I’m making when I can’t fully see where they’re leading me? AM I DOING ANYTHING RIGHT?! Although this is deeply personal, I do believe so many people are silently carrying similar thoughts right now. We want certainty before we take “the” leap.We want proof before we trust ourselves.We want the five-step plan, the guaranteed outcome, the perfectly mapped timeline. But life rarely works like that. SORRY. One of the biggest conversations I have with my clients is around letting go of rigid timelines. Because somewhere along the way, many of us learned to measure our worth by how quickly things happen rather than who we are being while we wait for the thing. If the relationship hasn’t arrived yet.If the career shift feels messy.If healing is taking longer than expected.We automatically assume something is wrong with us. But what if the process itself is the point? One of my favorite Abraham Hicks quotes is: “This is happening for you, not to you.” That quote has carried me through difficult seasons because it reminds me that even the experiences I wouldn’t choose are still shaping me into someone wiser, stronger, and more aware. They have forced me to live with more intention, as well as to never take anything for granted. Most of the time growth isn’t glamorous.Sometimes it looks like realizing what you never want to tolerate again and shifting around that. What the Nervous System Teaches Us About Confidence From a nervous system perspective, our brains are constantly gathering evidence to keep us safe. You touch a hot stove once, your brain remembers:Don’t do that again. The physical connection there is quite simple. It’s why we allow children to get hurt ~safely~. Our words don’t always land, but that experience will. Emotional experiences work similarly. If you’ve experienced disappointment, rejection, instability, or failure, your nervous system may start associating uncertainty with danger. And all your brain wants to do is keep you safe. Which means even positive change can feel threatening to the body. That’s why so many people stay stuck in situations that no longer align with them.Not because they’re lazy.Not because they’re incapable.But because the unknown feels unsafe and your brain would rather keep you tucked away in a space it knows how to handle. Think of it as the devil you know. And when your day-to-day life feels unsatisfying or unclear, it becomes incredibly easy to spiral into the belief that nothing is working. You don’t know what you’re doing. Or everything you are doing is wrong. There are ways to shift our mind around disruption. Your Conscious Mind vs. Your Subconscious Beliefs Your conscious mind holds everything you’ve learned:The expectations.The conditioning.The stories you absorbed from family, culture, school, relationships, and social media. The “shoulds” I call them. It is your programming. But your subconscious mind holds your deeper beliefs about what you think you deserve. And sometimes those two things are completely disconnected. You can consciously want success, love, peace, or confidence while subconsciously believing those things aren’t available to you. That internal disconnect creates resistance, which causes stress, which causes stagnation and no moving forward. Because, remember, your brain struggles to move toward something it doesn’t perceive as safe or possible. Which is why self-talk matters so much more than people realize. And I’m not just talking about affirmations in the mirror. Why Celebrating Yourself Matters One of my clients’ homework assignments this week was incredibly simple, yet some may find very hard to do. At the end of the night, tell yourself: “Well done., _____” And actually believe it. How you believe it is you build evidence. You find three things in the day that you are truly proud of accomplishing. It’s massively important that you give yourself little reminders throughout your life (daily) that you are moving forward and doing the best you can to survive. Not after you hit the massive milestone.Not once your life looks perfect.Not when everyone else validates you first. Now. Because confidence is not built through punishment.It’s built through evidence of safety, consistency, and self-trust. The nervous system responds to repetition. The more often you acknowledge yourself with compassion instead of criticism, the safer it becomes to keep growing. And the less resistance you have to “failing forward” or what I like to call - trying. How to Build Confidence When the Future Feels Unclear 1. Stop treating uncertainty like failure Not knowing what comes next does not mean you are doing life wrong. 2. Look for evidence of growth, not perfection Every experience teaches your nervous system something. Even the painful ones. 3. Pay attention to your internal dialogue Your subconscious is always listening to the way you speak to yourself. 4. Create safety in the present moment Confidence is not always loud. Sometimes it looks like taking the next small step anyway. 5. Celebrate yourself daily You are far more likely to trust yourself when you stop withholding your own approval. Why This Matters Research on neuroplasticity shows that repeated thoughts and behaviors shape neural pathways over time. The way you speak to yourself quite literally impacts how your brain interprets safety, capability, and possibility. Your thoughts become patterns.Patterns become beliefs.Beliefs become behaviors. Which means confidence is not something you magically wake up with one day.It’s something you practice. Maybe confidence isn’t about knowing exactly where you’re going.Maybe it’s about believing you can handle yourself no matter what happens next. This is just another muscle to build, but an important one at that. This is also the stuff I love working with my clients on - so if any of this resonated with you, please reach out and I would love to hear your story! Lots of love, Tia You’d be my bestie if you shared this with people. It’s be even cooler if you subscribed. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    29 min

  4. May 13

    When Life Swings from Calm to Chaos

    This past weekend was the deep exhale I needed for a while. Friday night run, steak dinner, slow conversations with my husband. Saturday morning looking at multi-families, getting our hands messy in a pottery class I had been dying to try for a while. Sunday was welcomed with another run in our favorite town and coffee from our new cute spots. We finished the weekend with lunch with my mom, a nap on the couch and meal prep finished and in bed by 9 PM. Nothing extravagant, just grounded, connected, and easy after a wild few weeks on my end. When my husband put his head down on Sunday night he said “Wow, I feel rejuvenated.” And then Monday hit. 6 AM I was walking out the door and when I hopped in my car, something felt OFF. Flat tire. We had hit a glass bottle on Saturday less than a mile from my house and didn’t realize it shredded my tire until I left for work on Monday morning. Within an hour, the day truly unraveled. I took my husband’s car for the day and then I got a call saying I needed to come home because he broke the jack trying to fix mine. I had to turn around, call out of work, and rearrange my entire day. And the wild part? Didn’t even panic for a second. What Nervous System Regulation Actually Looks Like in Real Life When I was growing up, I had a tendency to slightly overreact. We all do as you’re trying to navigate the world, learn about yourself and constantly figure out what the bigger picture of life is. My dad coined this term when he saw my tendency to implode. “Our number 1 rule is never panic.” I followed along, but I didn’t always truly get it because when I had my dad backing me up, I didn’t need to panic. He handled everything. Then I got older and I was like f**k. How do I truly NOT panic in situations. Nervous system regulation isn’t about creating a life where nothing goes wrong. It’s about building a body that can hold steady when things do. Because stress isn’t the problem, your capacity to process it is. Years ago, a morning like that would’ve sent me spiraling. It would have created urgent, frantic energy of “everything is falling apart and I need to fix it NOW.” But when you’ve spent time actually learning your body… supporting it… creating intentional calm…You respond differently. Not perfectly. But differently. The Shift: From Reacting to Responding Here’s how I moved through that Monday without tipping into chaos: 1. I got honest about where I was actually needed There was a moment where I tried to make everything work. All the meetings. All the commitments. All my jobs AND fix my tire. But I paused and asked:Where am I essential today and where am I not? OOF. This is where ego comes in. I am not actually NEEDED everywhere all the time. There are many aspects of my life that will function just fine without me there for ONE day. And I know yours will too. Fixing the tire and supporting my home life mattered more than forcing productivity and showing up for my students that day. 2. I stopped treating everything like it was urgent We’ve been conditioned to believe everything is time-sensitive, especially with social media. Well… it’s not. A few things needed attention, yes. But most of it? Could wait until today or even next week. So I communicated with my co-workers and clients, I told people what was going on. And you know what I got back? “Don’t worry about it.” That alone is a reminder:Most of the pressure you feel… isn’t actually coming from other people, it’s coming from your self importance. 3. I respected my human capacity This one is big. There’s this unspoken expectation that we should be able to handle everything, all at once, without dropping a ball. It’s not true. And instead of overriding your body literally telling you to chill out, I let myself acknowledge: This is what today looks like. And that’s enough. You can do a lot in 24 hours. But you don’t have to do everything. According to research from Cleveland Clinic, chronic stress keeps your body in a prolonged fight-or-flight state, impacting everything from digestion to heart health to emotional regulation to systemic inflammation. This is why nervous system work isn’t a luxury. It’s foundational. Because when your system is constantly activated, even small disruptions feel like emergencies but when you build regulation intentionally - through rest, movement, somatic connection, and self-awareness - you create space between the trigger and your response. And in that space you get your power back. Life is always going to throw a spanner in the mix. Plans will break. Schedules will shift. Things won’t go how you mapped them out. The goal isn’t to control every instance in your life, the goal is to become someone who can move through it without losing yourself completely. Because that’s real stability and how you build confidence in moving forward. If reading the beginning of this gave you anxiety, I have recently opened up 1:1 work. Let’s connect and I would love to hear your story. Lots of love, Tia I understand we don’t need more emails, but if you share this I will love you forever. This one will make us become best friends. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    21 min

  5. May 5

    Is Trauma Stored in the Body or Brain?

    This morning I watched the internet do what it does best. Pick a side and go to war. A doctor posted that trauma isn’t “stored” in the body, only in the brain.Cue the chaos. (which she was looking for by the way) On one side, people yelling “finally, some science.”On the other, somatic practitioners feeling like their life’s work just got dragged through the mud. Honestly I sat there thinking… yeah, I see both of you. There’s a lot of noise out there in the wellness space and a lot of black and white in a part of the world that is gray. There are people selling surface-level solutions, snake oil, and calling it healing.And there are also people dismissing lived, physical experiences because they don’t fit neatly into a clinical box of what they think is “the way.” Both can exist at the same time. The Real Problem: We Want Certainty Where There Isn’t Any We have overcomplicated everything and turned healing into a checklist of “optimization” routines. Do this.Not that.This is “right.”That is “wrong.” And if you don’t listen to me, you’re going to get stuck in the same loop forever and just miserable until the end of your days. Also pay me $15,000 for a Canva template “Guidebook” please and thank you. We’ve taken nuanced, evolving practices and tried to crown them as the single holy grail to health and how dare you disagree if it didn’t work for you. But your body doesn’t work like that. There is no universal formula for nervous system regulation. What works for me might do absolutely nothing for you. And the thing that saved you, could inhibit me from healing.The second we start speaking in absolutes, we lose the plot. Terrifying? Maybe. But if you zoom out… it’s actually freeing. Because there are an infinite number of possibilities on how you could heal your body and mind. If one thing doesn’t work, you’re not broken forever. It just means you haven’t found your thing yet. Our body is one big science experiment. We just have to keep playing. Brain vs Body: A False Divide The idea that trauma lives only in the brain ignores something pretty obvious: Your body is always in the conversation. Your brain perceives a threat.Your body responds instantly. Muscles tighten.Heart rate spikes.Breath shortens. That’s not theoretical, that’s happening in real time and we don’t even recognize it. Think about those prank videos where someone jumps out from behind a door.The reaction isn’t just mental. It’s explosive, physical and usually a yelp escapes out of someones mouth. Even though your brain will recognize quite quickly that it was a joke and not an actual threat - the body doesn’t always return to baseline just because the threat is gone. The tension and physical response may exist in our body for weeks, even months afterwards. Not because your body is “storing trauma” like a file cabinet but because it hasn’t been shown that it’s safe to let go yet. If you don’t know where to start with somatic understanding - check out this article. What Science Actually Supports In a 2023 interview, Dr. Robert Sapolsky spoke about stress as one of the most damaging long-term forces on the body. Not just the mind. The body. Sapolsky’s work focuses on glucocorticoids (stress hormones like cortisol) and how they impact the entire system. Stress hormones are essential for survival in the short term, but damaging when they stay elevated too long. Think of it this way - a little stress = good and a lot of stress = bad. This means: * Stress is not just a thought → it’s a chemical cascade * That cascade affects brain and body * And when it becomes chronic, it creates real physical consequences Sapolsky’s research consistently shows that prolonged stress exposure can: * Disrupt immune function * Alter cardiovascular health * Increase muscle tension and inflammation * Damage brain structures like the hippocampus So no, this isn’t just a brain conversation. But he also makes another critical point:You won’t stick to a modality that you don’t like DOING. So if you hate meditation - you won’t do it every day. If you don’t like lifting weights in the Crossfit style - you won’t show up to class three times a week. Which means… Why “One Method” Healing Falls Apart We want the one thing to be THE thing that heals us. The breathwork.The dance.The mindset shift.The protocol. But regulation doesn’t work like a light switch. It’s adaptive and personal to how our body responds. Every new experience may require a different response. And yeah… that can feel exhausting. I finally figured myself out and now I have to do it again? I get that. I have been there SO many times before but this is the part of life we need to build resilience around. There was a time when every setback felt personal. Injuries. Breakups. Stress. It all felt like proof something was wrong with me. I was like WHAT could I possibly be doing so poorly that karma is kicking me down this much. When I was so beaten down I decided I needed to shift my mentality so I made a promise to myself. Every doctor’s appointment became a lesson. Every hard moment became data for how I could improve. Not “why is this happening to me?”But what is this teaching me about how I work? My dad used to say after heartbreak: “The next one will be even better because now you know what you don’t want.” I would come to him crying and be like “this is not helpful” BUT the man had a point. Because now it’s not failure.It’s refinement on my processes. Both Sides Are Missing This When I see the internet go wild, I sometimes imagine myself in the center of it as a mediator. If I could sit both sides down - the doctors and the somatic practitioners - I’d ask two simple questions: To the skeptics:Have you ever danced at a wedding and felt joy ripple through your entire body? To the practitioners:Have you ever had a conversation so deep it literally shifted how you think? We get so black and white that we forget both ways can be so easily accessible to see their point of view. Sometimes you move the body to reach the mind.Sometimes you work with the mind to release the body. It’s not either/or.It’s both. Messy. Nuanced. Human. How to Start Regulating Your Nervous System Not perfectly, just honestly: 1. Get curious, not rigid Notice what actually shifts how you feel - not what you think should. 2. Track your body’s responses Energy, tension, breath, sleep - your body is constantly giving feedback. 3. Experiment without attachment Try things. Keep what works. Drop what doesn’t. 4. Build your own toolkit Movement, stillness, conversation, rest—there’s no single path. The second you believe there’s only one “right” way to heal… You start overriding your own signals. And that’s the exact opposite of regulation. We need less gatekeeping and more curiosity. Less “this is the way” and more “let’s figure out what works for you.” Because your body is a system to understand. I’m opening a limited number of 1:1 sessions where we explore this together your patterns, your responses, your toolkit. Just a conversation to see if it feels aligned and also a moment to connect human to human. There is hope for you, pinky swear. Lots of love, Tia I understand if you don’t want anymore emails but spread the word on how to feel good! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    29 min

  6. May 1

    You Can't Do It All: The Four Burners Theory

    I was out with my sister and one of our chosen sisters. The one where we were all raised together by single moms and know every detail of each others lives. This was the kind of dinner where the food becomes irrelevant because the conversation takes over. We hadn’t seen each other since CHRISTMAS because ya know, life. Non sister sister has been going through some health things and my husband asked “Have you heard of the four burner theory?” and I haven’t stopped thinking about our conversation that followed since. So, what is the Four Burners Theory? The Four Burners Theory compares your life to a stove with four burners: * Career * Friends/Family * Relationship * Health The idea is simple but uncomfortable: You can’t run all four burners on high at the same time. We just don’t have the capacity for it as a human. If you try, something will eventually blow, and in human form the thing that blows is you. Sitting there at dinner, I looked around the table. My friend is an epic mom to two littles ones and works full time. My sister is building her own life with an incredibly successful career. I’m running a business, teaching, speaking, creating, trying. And we were all, in our own ways, trying to keep every burner on high. Grateful for our lives but looking for support in one way or another on how to handle the juggling act. Be everything. Show up everywhere. Do it all well. And don’t look tired. And if you’ve ever felt that guilt in the back, the one that whispers “you should be able to handle this” or “why aren’t you grateful for this grind?” you know exactly what I’m talking about. But here’s the truth that landed in my body, not just my brain: It’s not a time management problem. It’s an energy problem. Your nervous system isn’t designed for constant, high-output across every area of your life. When you stretch yourself across too many priorities, your system shifts into stress states. You SORE into fight or flight and eventually a dormant state where it all shuts down. Research on cognitive load shows that the brain performs best when focused on fewer high-priority domains rather than juggling everything at once. So no, you are NOT failing at balance. You’re operating beyond what your system can sustainably hold for long periods of time. How do we work with the four burners? Instead of asking, “How do I do it all?”Start asking, “What actually matters right now?” 1. Identify Your Active Burners Which 1–2 areas of your life need your full attention in this season? If you’re a mom, I would say your family and your romantic relationship. We need to remember why the kids are there in the first place and your relationship impacts them. The reality is, sometimes you have to choose which one of the burners you are going to suck at - even just for a moment. 2. Turn Down the Others (Without Shame) Not forever. Just for now. I am in the season where my rest and restore is not as a long as I would like it to be, and I’m okay with that because I KNOW when I need to input moments of intentional rest. My health is good, could be better, but we are cruising. 3. Communicate Your Capacity Let people in your life know what season you’re in. You do not need to fill your weekends or your day of with social interactions. If someone asks you to go to coffee and your immediate reaction is “Ugh, that’s my one morning off to myself” then I would recommend you schedule it out a month or two. Just say it - MOST people will empathize with you. Disclaimer: you can’t cancel everything though. Reschedule with the intention of showing up in a better mental state. Remember, we can’t become so selfish with our time that we stop showing up for others. 4. Support Your Nervous System Build in regulation practices so your energy can actually sustain what you’re prioritizing. There’s no gold medal for running yourself into the ground trying to prove you can “handle it all.” There is, however, a quiet kind of power in choosing intentionally. In saying:This matters most right now and that’s enough. We are only human. Give yourself some grace and choose which burner you need to turn WAY down. We aren’t meant to go 100% all the time. If you are having trouble with deciding where in your life you need to slow down, this is exactly what I do with my clients. I help them audit their lifestyle and implement ways to start living FULLY again. Your life is meant to be loved. Lots of love, Tia If you don’t subscribe, that’s cool but I will love you forever if you share this! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    17 min
  7. Why Nervous System Regulation Matters at Work

    Apr 28

    Why Nervous System Regulation Matters at Work

    I spent last week at a conference full of HR professionals. “Why?” you’re probably asking - well because I am trying my best to get my name out there to help people. And honestly? I was impressed. The people were kind. Thoughtful. You could feel that they genuinely care about employees and the environments they’re shaping. Session after session circled the same themes: connection, communication, conflict resolution. How to speak so people actually listen. How to rebuild trust when it’s broken. How to navigate difficult dynamics without blowing everything up. On paper, it was everything we want more of in the workplace. But I kept having the same thought on repeat in the back of my mind: None of this works if your nervous system is fried. The Missing Piece in Workplace Communication I started talking to people between sessions. And almost every single person hit me with some version of: “I know all of this… I’m just already at capacity.” That right there is the gap. We’re teaching people what to say before their body even feels safe enough to say it. Because connection doesn’t start with words. It starts with regulation. What Happens When You’re Stuck in Stress Mode When your system is under constant stress, your emotional regulation starts to drop offline. Your amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, takes over. It’s fast, reactive, and built to keep you safe, not to help you have thoughtful, nuanced conversations. That’s where your prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for logic, empathy, and decision-making, gets overridden. So even if you know how you want to show up… you can’t exactly access it. And this doesn’t always look explosive. Flipping desks like you see in The Wolf Of Wall Street type rage. Sometimes it looks like: * Shutting down in meetings * Avoiding conversations you know you need to have * Replaying interactions in your head but never actually addressing them (hello 1 am nightmares) * Pulling back instead of leaning in to networking events Emotional isolation is still a stress response. Why “Just Speak Up” Doesn’t Work One of the biggest pieces of advice I kept hearing was:“Speak up even if you feel annoying.” “Keep asking the hard questions.” And I get the intention. I really do. But let’s be honest for a second - Have you ever had to say something that you knew might land wrong? Whether it was in a personal relationship or professional. Ask a question that could trigger someone?Bring something up without having the perfect words? Your body doesn’t interpret that as a casual moment. It reads it as risk. And when your system already feels overwhelmed, that moment can feel like too much. So instead of speaking, you freeze. Or avoid. Or say nothing and then beat yourself up later because you missed an opportunity. That’s not a communication problem.That’s a nervous system problem. How to Support Your Nervous System Before Hard Conversations This is where we shift out of frustration and into something more useful. Because you’re not stuck, you just need a different entry point. 1. Create clarity before the conversation Write down what you need to say. Then write it again. And again. And then in a different way than you have already explained. Push yourself to find multiple ways to express the same thing until it actually feels clear in your body, not just in your head. Clarity reduces perceived threat. Our brains LOVE to be able to predict. 2. Close the “power distance” gap There’s a concept called the power distance gap. Basically, the idea that someone’s title makes them feel untouchable. But the truth is, they’re human too. They miscommunicate. They get things wrong - even iff they don’t want to admit it. But no one is perfect and you NEED to remind yourself of that. This isn’t about losing respect, it’s about removing intimidation so you can show up honestly. 3. Regulate before you communicate Before the conversation, take a minute. Not to rehearse or spiral over the million different possible directions the conversation could go. Just to settle your system. That might look like: * Slowing your breathing * Taking a short walk * Physically shaking out tension * Letting your shoulders drop for the first time all day You don’t need to be perfectly calm. You just need to not be in survival mode to understand the conversation that is being held. You can’t build real connection from a dysregulated state. You can’t access empathy, curiosity, or clear communication when your body is focused on protection. This isn’t a mindset issue. It’s physiology and science. And once you start working with your body instead of against it, everything about how you show up begins to shift. We keep telling people to communicate better without giving them the tools to feel safe enough to do it. This is where frustration, burnout, and silence start to build. When you support the nervous system first, communication stops feeling like a performance and starts becoming something real. So the next time you catch yourself holding back, avoiding, or overthinking what you want to say… Ask yourself this: Is it that I don’t know how to speak… or is my body not ready to be heard? I’ll love you forever if you subscribe. And I get it - we are over emails! Sharing helps me out too. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    22 min

  8. Apr 21

    Burnout Isn’t Inevitable But It IS Predictable

    Yesterday, I had a very honest conversation with an entrepreneur who was deep in it. The kind of exhaustion you don’t fix with a nap or a day off your phone. She told me she needed to step away for a day just to feel like herself again. And then she asked me, straight up:“Can we really prevent burnout? Or is it inevitable?” I didn’t answer her right away because I’ve been there too. I’m actually in a season right now that would chew someone up if they didn’t know how to hold themselves through it. It’s giving me a run for my money…. but I promise. This isn’t a doom-and-gloom story. It’s a reality check. Because most people don’t burn out overnight.They slide into it… quietly… until one day everything feels heavy, getting out of bed makes them want to cry, and joy has slipped away. What Burnout Actually Is (And Why It Feels Inevitable) Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by prolonged stress without adequate recovery. But here’s the part people don’t truly understand: Burnout isn’t just about how much you’re doing.It’s about how long your body stays in survival mode while doing it. There will always be seasons where life piles on. Deadlines stack up. Your kids have five national championships in a week. And then your refrigerator conveniently breaks. Unfortunately these weeks aren’t optional and no one is immune to them. But staying in a constant fight-or-flight response while navigating it?That’s where things start to break down. The Difference Between Burnout and Pushing Yourself While I deeply emphasized with her, I had to gently push back on something she said. She told me entrepreneur burnout is worse than a typical 9–5 job. I get why it feels that way but burnout doesn’t care about your job title. I’ve seen corporate teams spiral over one email. One small mistake, and suddenly the entire room feels like it’s on fire. I’ve also seen people handling million-dollar mistakes (literally) whose nervous systems react the exact same way. And I’ve seen a mom have a mental breakdown over a chicken not being taken out of the freezer like asked. Your body doesn’t measure stress logically.It responds to perceived threat. Whether it’s: * Losing money * A packed calendar * Or an inbox that won’t quit Your system can interpret all of it as “not safe.” But we can train this. I promise. The Moment That Changes Everything What actually stood out in that conversation wasn’t her exhaustion. It was what she did next. She took a few hours off to reset. Not because everything was handled. Not because the work disappeared. But because she recognized she was on the brink. And that right there? Is burnout prevention in real time. So while she was faltering morally if she was selling a lie, I reminded her she was embodying the work she promotes. How to Prevent Burnout (Without Avoiding Hard Work) Let’s be clear: burnout is preventable, but hard seasons are not. There will be weeks where you feel stretched thin in every single direction of your life, and then something happens that you never even knew existed. One thing we know for sure is life will test you. You don’t avoid burnout by eliminating those seasons.You prevent it by interrupting the pattern before your system crashes. Here’s what that actually looks like: 1. Learn your early warning signs Burnout doesn’t start at rock bottom. It starts with subtle shifts: * Shorter patience * Brain fog * Feeling wired but exhausted * Snapping at things that normally wouldn’t touch you This is where understanding your triggers and responses is INVALUABLE. You cannot prevent unless you are honest with yourself where your exhaustion shows. If you’re reading this and am like “Tia, what the actual f*** is a response???” I wrote about that here. 2. Stop waiting until you “deserve” rest Most people only rest when they’ve hit a wall. That’s too late. Regulation has to happen before the breakdown. And if “deserving” is your hard part, let’s talk. I have a LOT of experience in this. 3. Build recovery into the plan, not as an afterthought I knew April and May were going to be big for me. I knew they were gonna take everything out of me. I knew I could handle it, but I also knew I would crave a reset. So I planned a weekend away with my husband ahead of time. Not as an escape from my reality (because she is a beaut) but as a strategy. 4. Regulate your nervous system in real time This isn’t always meditation and silence. Sometimes it’s: * Stepping away for an hour * Moving your body * Changing your environment * Letting yourself reset before pushing again Check out some of my nervous system hacks here! Why Nervous System Regulation Matters at Work If you’re operating in a constant stress response, your: * Decision-making drops * Emotional reactivity increases * Energy becomes inconsistent And over time, that’s what leads to burnout, not the workload itself. Have you ever seen a person do EVERYTHING and they are also just really chill? Yeah. They have the secret sauce of nervous system regulation. Regulation is what allows you to sustain high performance without losing yourself in the process. Here’s the thing. Burnout isn’t some unavoidable end point waiting for you. But it will happen if you ignore the signals long enough. The goal isn’t to avoid hard work.It’s to stop abandoning yourself while doing it. We don’t need more people who can push through anything. We need people who know when to pause before pushing costs them everything. I am so tired of seeing people’s lives collapse around them because they don’t know how to regulate themselves. You don’t need to wait until everything falls apart to take care of yourself. But you do have to be honest enough to notice when you’re getting close. Life can be beautifully chaotic without the constant stress. If you have been reading this and am like YES YES YES but HOW?! That’s where a coach is a beautiful thing. Reach out to me and let’s chat. I promise, you can love being alive again. Lots of love, Tia If you’re like “she’s pretty cool.” Every subscription makes me do a little dance! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

    18 min
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About

A place to regulate your nervous from one human to another. tiadevincenzo.substack.com

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  • Creator
    Tia DeVincenzo - Nervous System Regulation Expert
  • Years Active
    2K
  • Episodes
    17
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Tia
  • Show Website
    The Regulation Revolution

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