Ruby RaeD

Ruby Rae Durand
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Welcome to Ruby RaeD, a podcast about identity, transformation, and the realities we don’t always say out loud. Hosted by Ruby Rae, this channel explores personal storytelling, transgender experiences, relationships, and the deeper psychological and social layers that shape who we are. Some episodes are raw and reflective. Others break down complex topics around identity, perception, and cultural narratives. This is a space for honesty, curiosity, and perspective. If you have ever questioned who you are, who you are allowed to be, or what it means to live authentically, you are in the right place. This is Ruby RaeD. Watch the VODS on youtube @RubyRaeD or find me on Instagram @heatfromfire

  1. Oct 25

    The Masquerade of the Internet

    The Masquerade of the Internet Authenticity, Algorithms, and the People We Think We Know Online Everyone tells us to be ourselves online. So why are we punished when we don't fit the version of ourselves that people expect? In this episode, Rae explores the masquerade of the internet, where algorithms shape our online identities, audiences develop expectations of the people they follow, and authenticity becomes something we are expected to perform. Social media rewards recognizable personalities, encouraging us to become exaggerated versions of ourselves. We begin to mistake curated content for complete personalities, familiarity for genuine understanding, and visibility for ownership. But what happens when the person behind the screen refuses to remain the character we imagined? As a South African trans woman, Rae reflects on the relationship between masks, identity, and the experience of spending years trying to stop pretending to be someone else. For some trans people, online visibility offers a chance to present themselves honestly. Yet even then, others insist that their identities are performances. This conversation explores the tension between authenticity and expectation, the difference between curation and dishonesty, parasocial entitlement, and the ways online environments can distort our perception of other people. Perhaps the problem isn't that we wear masks. Perhaps it's that we've forgotten there are real people behind them. In this episode: How algorithms shape our online identitiesWhy platforms reward predictable personalitiesParasocial relationships and audience entitlementAuthenticity versus performanceCuration, privacy, and self-expressionTrans visibility and living without a maskHow online hostility can distort our perception of the worldJoin the conversation: Have you ever felt pressured to remain a particular version of yourself because people responded well to it? Have you ever discovered that someone you followed online was more complicated than you imagined? Thank you for listening to RubyRaeD. Episode Metadata Show: RubyRaeD Author: Rae Episode type: Full episode Language: English Primary category: Society & Culture Secondary category: Technology Explicit content: Yes, if the original recording retains its profanity. Otherwise, select the appropriate setting for the final edited audio. Keywords: internet culture, authenticity, online identity, social media algorithms, parasocial relationships, creator culture, transgender experiences, trans visibility, digital identity, online communities, RubyRaeD Suggested Episode Chapters 00:00 The Masquerade of the Internet 02:44 The Algorithm's Costume Designer 04:16 How Algorithms Turn Us Into Characters 07:33 When Audiences Think They Know You 11:19 The Authenticity Paradox 14:58 The Trans Experience: Walking Without a Mask 19:43 The Internet's Distorted Mirrors 20:59 The Masquerade That Lets Us Be Ourselves 22:24 Closing Thoughts Closing Call to Action If this episode gave you something to think about, share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation. Follow RubyRaeD for more reflections on identity, culture, politics, creativity, and the strange contradictions of being human.

    The Masquerade of the Internet

  2. Oct 13 ·  Bonus

    Rabbit Hole: The History of Vaginoplasty and the Sensate Clitoris

    “There is no clitoris as yet.” One sentence in the May 1972 edition of Sisters, a lesbian magazine, sent me down a medical-history rabbit hole. I thought it couldn’t be right. Then I started digging, for days. Join Ruby Rae for a journey through the development of vaginoplasty, clitoral reconstruction and the preservation of sensation. From early attempts to create a vaginal canal to skin grafts, bowel techniques, peritoneal flaps and robotic surgery, this history reaches far beyond trans healthcare. We explore the connections between reconstruction for cisgender women, intersex patients and trans women; the doctors and patients behind major milestones; and how surgical knowledge develops through shared discoveries and repeated refinement. Along the way: • Ancient accounts of Elagabalus and the limits of historical evidence. • Early vaginal reconstruction, tissue lining and the challenge of stenosis. • Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute for Sexual Science, Dora Richter and Lili Elbe. • The Nazi destruction of the Institute and its archives. • Penile-inversion techniques and the development of a sensate neoclitoris. • Nerve preservation, blood supply and the relationship between anatomy and sexual function. • Developments in Thailand, South Africa and other surgical centres. • Tissue engineering, robotic peritoneal techniques and patient-selected vulvoplasty. At the centre is the question that started everything: when did surgeons develop the modern sensate neoclitoris—and what did that 1972 sentence actually mean? This episode follows major milestones in the development of medical procedures. It is not an exhaustive catalogue of every operation or advancement, nor an attempt to identify the first trans patient. RESEARCH & CREDIT Special thanks to Zagria’s A Gender Variance Who’s Who, whose extensive trans-history research helped launch this investigation: https://zagria.blogspot.com/ The History of Gender-Affirming Vaginoplasty Technique: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35461915/ Tissue Options for Construction of the Neovaginal Canal: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11122258/ CONTENT NOTE Historical derogatory language and outdated medical terminology; genital anatomy and reconstructive surgery; complications and death; transphobia, antisemitism, Nazi persecution and book burning; brief discussion of female genital mutilation and non-consensual genital surgery. The video version may also include medical imagery. This episode explores medical history and is not individual medical advice. Surgery is not a requirement for being transgender. CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION Which discovery surprised you most? Follow Ruby Rae for more trans history, commentary and unexpected rabbit holes. Website: https://rubyraed.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/firefromheat/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@heatfromfire #TransHistory #Vaginoplasty #MedicalHistory #Transgender #GenderAffirmingCare

    Rabbit Hole: The History of Vaginoplasty and the Sensate Clitoris

  3. Oct 6

    On Parental Communication: Respect, Boundaries, and When “Love” Isn’t Enough

    In this late-night RubyRaeD reflection, Rae unpacks a thought sparked by a recent conversation on the Kaleidoscope podcast and explores something painfully common in LGBTQ+ families: the collision between a parent's pre-existing beliefs and the reality of the person they already love. When a child comes out as trans, some parents find themselves forced to reconcile two incompatible ideas: the belief that transgender people are somehow wrong, strange, or broken, and the knowledge that their child is still the same person they have always known and loved. Sometimes, instead of reconsidering the belief, the parent tries to preserve it. That can sound like: “I still love you, but I won't use that name.” “I accept that this is your decision, but I don't agree with it.” “I'll always be your parent, but I won't participate in this.” But respect isn't an optional extra in a relationship. Rae talks about how refusing to acknowledge someone's identity can become a way of denying their agency, particularly when an adult child is infantilised because a parent believes they still have greater authority over who that person is. The episode also challenges the seemingly peaceful advice to simply “let them.” Let them misgender you. Let them use your old name. Let them out you in public. Let them reshape how strangers understand you. Let them repeatedly reopen the same wound. At some point, protecting a relationship cannot mean endlessly absorbing disrespect. And when a transgender person has asked for distance, there is another boundary that deserves to be respected: silence. If you cannot yet approach your trans child, friend, or family member with genuine respect, sometimes the kindest thing you can do is leave them alone until you can. In this episode Rae discusses: Why parents of LGBTQ+ and transgender children sometimes become alienated from their own childrenThe conflict between deeply held beliefs and personal relationshipsWhy “I love you, but I don't respect your identity” is not a neutral positionInfantilisation and the denial of an adult child's agencyWhy deadnaming and outing someone can have consequences beyond hurt feelingsThe problem with telling trans people to simply “let them”Setting boundaries with unsupportive family membersWhy financial support should never be used as leverage for accessWhen no contact or limited contact may be the healthiest available boundaryThe difference between wanting reconciliation and being ready to reconcileEpisode chapters 00:00 - Late Night Check-In 00:17 - The Conversation That Started This 01:14 - Parents, Trans Children, and Conflicting Beliefs 02:13 - How Alienation Happens 04:05 - Stop Infantilising Adult Children 05:10 - The Problem With “Just Let Them” 06:51 - Grace or Silence 08:14 - What Should a Parent Do When Their Trans Child Doesn't Want Contact? 09:17 - Closing Thoughts This RubyRaeD episode is personal, unscripted, and shaped by Rae's own experiences alongside conversations with other LGBTQ+ people. Sometimes reconciliation is possible. But reconciliation requires more than saying I love you. It requires being willing to say: I see who you are. I will listen when you tell me who you are. And I will respect you accordingly. #Transgender #TransWoman #TransFamily #LGBTQ #TransRights #FamilyEstrangement #ComingOut #TransgenderStories #RubyRaeD #TransPodcast

    On Parental Communication: Respect, Boundaries, and When “Love” Isn’t Enough

  4. Sep 20

    Reflections on Dysphoria 6 Weeks Post Op

    The Performance Is Not the Identity I’m back after gender confirmation surgery, and I’m still working through what it means to finally be on this side of something I spent years moving toward. This episode isn’t really about the surgery itself. It’s about what happened when one enormous source of dysphoria suddenly became quiet. What happens to the rest of your dysphoria when that happens? And how much of what we call dysphoria belongs entirely to us? I talk about imposter syndrome, passing, beauty standards, gender performance, capitalism, and the uncomfortable overlap between genuine gender dysphoria and the expectations society places on women. Gender confirmation surgery brought me enormous relief. But once that source of dysphoria became quieter, the masculine features I perceive in my face sometimes felt more immediate. They hadn’t become worse. They simply weren’t competing with something else anymore. That leads to a bigger question: is wanting to pass problematic? I don’t think it is. Passing can mean safety, comfort, and simply moving through the world without every interaction becoming a discussion about your gender. But the desire to pass also exists inside a society that teaches women what femininity is supposedly meant to look like. For trans women, those pressures can become tangled with dysphoria in ways that are incredibly difficult to separate. I also talk about why I deliberately pursued gender confirmation surgery before facial feminization surgery, despite my facial dysphoria often being more visible and immediate. Transition doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Money, employment, healthcare, geography, safety, family, politics and visibility can all affect how and when someone transitions. Sometimes becoming more comfortable in your body requires remaining uncomfortable long enough to afford the next step. Then there’s capitalism. Gender-affirming healthcare and the beauty industry are not the same thing, but they exist in the same world. Trans women grow up surrounded by the same advertising, edited faces, impossible bodies and messages about femininity as other women. When dysphoria already exists, those messages can attach themselves to it. At what point does dysphoria become tangled with dysmorphia? And how do you tell the difference between wanting your body to reflect your gender and believing you must achieve an impossible standard before you are finally “woman enough”? Ultimately, I keep coming back to one idea: The performance is not the identity. A dress is not womanhood. Makeup is not womanhood. Passing is not womanhood. Those things can be symbols, tools and social shorthand, but the identity underneath them remains. Transition, for me, has been one of the most profound expressions of rejecting the template I was handed and moving closer to myself. But transition isn’t the only way people do that. There isn’t one correct leap. There are billions of them. In this episode • Life after gender confirmation surgery • Dysphoria and imposter syndrome • Passing, safety and social perception • Facial feminization and surgery order • Dysphoria versus dysmorphia • Capitalism and beauty standards • The performance of femininity • Transition as an act of choosing yourself Content note: This episode discusses gender dysphoria, gender confirmation surgery, facial feminization surgery, body image and medical transition. These are my personal experiences. There is no single correct way to be transgender, no requirement to medically transition, and no requirement to pass for your identity to be valid. #Transgender #TransWoman #GenderDysphoria #TransPodcast #Transition #Passing #GenderIdentity

    Reflections on Dysphoria 6 Weeks Post Op

  5. Sep 15

    Words As Keys, The Etymology of "Transgender"

    Language changes because people need better ways to describe themselves. In this episode of the RubyRaeD Podcast, Rae explores the strange, complicated and often uncomfortable history of the words used to describe trans and gender-diverse people. From sexual inversion and eonism to transvestite, transsexual and eventually transgender, the language surrounding gender has shifted dramatically over the last century. Some terms began as attempts at understanding. Others emerged from medicine, sexology and systems that wanted to classify people. Some gave people access to community or healthcare. Others became cages. And sometimes the same word managed to do both. Rae looks at how language shapes the way we understand identity, why historical terminology cannot always be judged purely through a modern lens, and how words can move from description to insult when context and power change. The episode also explores the relationship between gender and sexuality in early sexology, the medicalization of trans people, the development of the term transgender, and why phrases like "transgenderism" can be weaponized to make an identity sound like an ideology. At the centre of the episode is a simple idea: Words are keys. You do not need a word in order to experience something, but sometimes finding the right word is what finally allows you to understand what you have been experiencing all along. In this episode: • Why language matters so much to trans people • Words as tools for understanding identity • Sexual inversion and early sexology • Chevalier d'Éon and the term eonism • Magnus Hirschfeld and the history of "transvestite" • How gender and sexuality were historically conflated • The emergence of "transsexual" in medical language • Medical gatekeeping and the pathologization of trans people • Why some older trans people still identify with older terminology • The limitations of the phrase "sex change" • The origins and development of the word "transgender" • Virginia Prince and early transgender terminology • Why "transgender" became a broader and more useful umbrella • Why nobody owes the public information about their body • How "transgenderism" turns an identity into an imagined ideology • How outdated language can become weaponized • Why context, intent and power matter when we use words This is not a dictionary lesson. It is a look at the linguistic fossil record of trans history, and what those words tell us about the people who used them, the institutions that created them, and the people who had to live inside them.

    Words As Keys, The Etymology of "Transgender"

  6. Jun 29

    A Trans Woman's Transition Regrets Days Before Surgery

    Fifteen days before her gender confirmation surgery, Rae opens up about transition regret in a way that moves beyond fearmongering, panic, and anti-trans talking points. In this deeply personal episode, Rae reflects on what she actually regrets as a South African trans woman living in Asia: being outed, losing family relationships, losing agency over her own story, spending years performing masculinity, and not recognizing safe love and support sooner. But she is also clear about what she does not regret. She does not regret transitioning. She does not regret the epiphany. She does not regret choosing herself, even when she had to swim alone while others stood on the shore calling their rejection “concern.” This episode explores grief, family fallout, bodily autonomy, self-actualization, transphobia, emotional vulnerability, and the difference between regretting transition and grieving the damage done around it. For trans people, questioning people, and families trying to understand, this is a raw and honest conversation about what love, respect, and support should actually look like. RubyRaeD is where Rae shares her thoughts, feelings, experiences, and opinions about life as a trans woman living abroad. Follow Rae: YouTube: RubyRaeD Instagram: @firefromheat TikTok: @heatfromfire #TransitionRegret #TransWoman #GenderConfirmationSurgery #Transgender #GenderEuphoria

    A Trans Woman's Transition Regrets Days Before Surgery

  7. Jun 17

    Transition Has Endings: Surgery Prep, Legal Progress & Becoming Myself

    Episode Summary In this life update, Rae reflects on the overwhelming middle of transition: preparing for gender confirmation surgery, handling legal transition paperwork, balancing teaching responsibilities, running a daily trans history countdown, and trying to stay grounded through it all. This episode is about the reality behind transition milestones. Life does not pause for surgery prep, document changes, work deadlines, emotional check-ins, or dysphoria. Rae talks openly about nervousness, support, self-evaluation, and the difference between doubt and healthy fear before a major life-changing step. She also reflects on erasure, why trans history matters, and the strange emotional weight of realizing that some parts of transition are not endless. Some forms get submitted. Some documents change. Some appointments happen. Some chapters close. This is transition in real life: messy, practical, emotional, exhausting, and worth it. Full Episode Notes Hello internet, Rae is checking in. In this episode, Rae talks about reaching a point in transition where everything feels like it is happening at once. She is balancing school, daily content, surgery preparation, business plans, and legal transition paperwork, while also trying to pause and ask: How am I actually doing? She reflects on how her daily countdown series began as a simple idea while walking her dog, Tesla, but quickly became something much deeper. What started as quick trans facts has grown into research-heavy, emotionally demanding work that aims to respect trans history, resist erasure, and create something people can return to later. Rae also discusses the pressure of doing this while still working full-time as a teacher. Exams, marking, review materials, and daily responsibilities do not stop just because transition milestones are approaching. This leads into one of the central ideas of the episode: transition is often imagined as a sequence of dramatic moments, but real life keeps moving around those moments. The episode then moves into surgery preparation. Rae talks through the documents, appointments, travel plans, pet care, financial logistics, recovery planning, and emotional reality of preparing for gender confirmation surgery. She reflects on excitement, nervousness, fear-mongering, expectations, intimacy, depth, surgical outcomes, and why being scared does not mean being unsure. A major part of the episode focuses on self-evaluation. Rae asks what has changed in her body, dysphoria, emotions, social life, empathy, and relationship with herself. She talks about feeling more grounded, while still allowing space for complicated emotions. She also emphasizes the importance of therapy, psychiatric evaluation, and support systems before surgery. There is also a legal transition update. After months of calling the South African Department of Home Affairs, Rae shares that her case has finally been escalated, the needed documents have been clarified, and the responsibility has shifted away from her for now. It is not fully over, but it is progress. The final section turns toward erasure. Rae connects her daily trans history work to larger patterns of historical, legal, medical, linguistic, family, scholastic, and cultural erasure. She reflects on how these systems can make trans people invisible not only to society, but also to themselves. The episode closes with a realization: some parts of transition are lifelong, but some parts end. Documents get changed. Forms get submitted. Surgeries happen. Chapters close. Not every battle lasts forever. Transition is not always cinematic. Sometimes it is paperwork, phone calls, lesson planning, medical prep, and exhaustion. But underneath all of it, Rae is becoming. Follow Rae / RubyRaeD: YouTube: RubyRaeD TikTok: @heatfromfire Instagram: @firefromheat

    Transition Has Endings: Surgery Prep, Legal Progress & Becoming Myself

  8. Jun 8

    Stay Alive Long Enough to Find Yourself

    Content Warning This episode includes discussion of mental health, depression, suicidal ideation, dysphoria, trauma, anti-trans reactions from loved ones, and survival during early transition. Please listen with care. Crisis Support Note If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or feel unsafe, please reach out to someone immediately: a trusted person, a local crisis line, emergency services, or a mental health professional. You deserve help from people who take your pain seriously. Episode Summary In this deeply personal episode, Rae talks about early transition, survival mode, suicidal ideation, dysphoria, and the emotional danger of being dismissed by loved ones when you are trying to stay alive. This is not an episode about giving up. It is an episode about surviving long enough to reach the other side. Rae reflects on the years before transition: financial instability, trauma, depression, masking, overperforming masculinity, career pressure, and the slow realization that the life she had built did not feel survivable if she had to keep pretending. She also speaks directly to loved ones of trans people: when someone tells you they are experiencing suicidal thoughts, that is not drama. That is not manipulation. That is not a moment to scoff, argue, moralize, or make it about your discomfort. That is a moment to listen, take them seriously, and help them get support. There is a way through. The price of becoming yourself can be heavy, but the price is worth it. Stay alive. Find your people. We are waiting for you. Topics Covered Early transition Suicidal ideation Gender dysphoria Survival mode Performing masculinity Financial independence and self-expression Trans mental health Loved ones and harmful reactions Finding affirming support Staying alive long enough to become yourself Pull Quote “The price of becoming yourself can be heavy, but the price is worth it. Find your people.” YouTube: RubyRaeD TikTok: @heatfromfire Instagram: @firefromheat

    Stay Alive Long Enough to Find Yourself
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About

Welcome to Ruby RaeD, a podcast about identity, transformation, and the realities we don’t always say out loud. Hosted by Ruby Rae, this channel explores personal storytelling, transgender experiences, relationships, and the deeper psychological and social layers that shape who we are. Some episodes are raw and reflective. Others break down complex topics around identity, perception, and cultural narratives. This is a space for honesty, curiosity, and perspective. If you have ever questioned who you are, who you are allowed to be, or what it means to live authentically, you are in the right place. This is Ruby RaeD. Watch the VODS on youtube @RubyRaeD or find me on Instagram @heatfromfire

Information

  • Creator
    Ruby Rae Durand
  • Years Active
    2026
  • Episodes
    15
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Ruby Rae Durand
  • Show Website
    Ruby RaeD