Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

Perry Bulwer Misguided No More
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In this series I imagine the soundtrack to a movie or TV show based on my memoir, Misguided: My Jesus Freak Life In A Doomsday Cult. https://perry-bulwer.blogspot.com/ perrybulwer344598.substack.com

  1. 1h ago

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 15 – Mr. Big in Japan Music featured in this chapter: Mr. Brightside – The Killers I Don’t Want to Know – Fleetwood Mac Big in Japan – Tom Waits Divorce Separation Blues – The Avett Brothers This chapter of my memoir starts with my return to Japan in 1996 after fleeing Beijing, China one step ahead of the authorities. Shortly after, Rachelle and I were recruited to serve the top regional leaders in their office home in Kamakura, just south of Yokohama. The first part of this chapter describes our time serving those leaders until they forced Rachelle and I to separate because of my jealousy, which was a major sin in the cult. .... a Family VIP visited the office. Mordecai Printer, or Inky as Berg called him in various letters, helped establish the Family’s publishing operations around the world. As an important Family dignitary, members owed him the same deference we gave leaders. So when Maggie told Rachelle that Mordecai wanted to ‘share’ with her, even though there were two single women in the home, we had to unquestioningly accept it as God’s will. Whether or not Rachelle was willing, she had to submit or risk being labelled a disobedient “girl who wouldn’t”, like Maggie’s reluctant former assistant. We were under extreme peer pressure to conform and spiritually coerced to obey leaders in that totalitarian environment. Considering the power imbalance, Rachelle couldn’t have freely given her consent, and I certainly felt forced to accept their liaison even though I thought it was unnecessary. Living closely with those top leaders, I was beginning to more clearly recognize their double-standards. They had more luxuries and freedoms, lived by their own rules, and did things regular members would be reprimanded for. I had to accept that and keep my mouth shut, but it wasn’t easy suppressing my doubts and jealousy when I had to sleep under the dining room table like an obedient dog, while Mordecai was having sex with my wife in our bed. I was tormented further when Mordecai and Ezra later came into the kitchen and began a long, loud conversation, thoughtlessly uncaring that they were disturbing my sleep. Ezra had helped Faithy kick me out of the Expo home for exactly the same reason. I was furious at his cruel hypocrisy. My blood boiled as I barely contained my anger, but I didn’t dare criticism him. At least I was aware of that situation. I became even more agitated when I learned that Rachelle was having an affair with Pete without my knowledge or consent. Sweetie shocked me one day when she asked me if I was aware that her husband had been having sex with Rachelle. Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t know about their affair. I was deeply disturbed by their deception, especially when I realized how manipulative their most recent tryst had been. The evening before, Pete told me he wasn’t feeling well and asked me to take his place on the courier trip to the translation home. When I returned a couple hours later I had sex with Rachelle, completely oblivious that she had just had sex with Pete behind my back. When Sweetie revealed the affair to me, I realized Pete had manipulated me. He wasn’t ill, he was lustfully lovesick for Rachelle. Learning he lied to me and she betrayed me made me sick at heart. Later that day, I pulled Rachelle aside to the nook under the staircase and confronted her over their deliberate deceptions. Though I didn’t shout or strike her, I could barely contain my anger. I was deeply hurt and heartbroken, so I pushed her away in a reflexive gesture of rejection when she tried to tearfully hug me. I don’t know if others heard me angrily vent my jealousy, or if Rachelle told Sweetie about my reaction. All four leaders were away at the time, but they sent me a message accusing me of being “out of the spirit” and distracting them from their important work. They said Rachelle and I needed to be separated. They considered her more yielded and useful to them, so deemed me the guilty party and ordered me to move to a regular home. Afterwards, in a small storage room, I broke down and sobbed. It’s the only time I’ve cried aloud as an adult. Although I had sinfully yielded to jealousy and anger, I thought the leaders unjustly singled me out for condemnation and punishment when Rachelle and Pete were also guilty. I believed they had violated Berg’s initial rules governing sexual relationships, and the leaders’ response to the situation was contrary to the guidelines first set down in the letter, “The Law of Love”. Distressed by their cruel double-standard, I decided to write a complaint letter to Karen Zerby (Maria), Berg’s co-leader. Berg’s initial explanation of that foundational doctrine included conditions attached to the new sexual freedoms. Their affair wasn’t unselfish or sacrificial love, so in my opinion the leaders also broke that law by excusing the lustful couple while condemning my reaction. I said so in my letter to Zerby, which included the following quotations from “The Law of Love” to support my complaint: Any variation from the norm of personal relationships, any substantial change in marital relationships, any projected sexual associations should have the willing consent of all parties concerned or affected, including the approval of leadership and permission of the Body. If this is lacking in any quarter and anyone is going to be harmed or unduly offended, then your action is not in love nor according to God’s law of love! ... Are you doing it because you want to unselfishly and sacrificially help someone else who really needs it, and by which you can show them God’s Love, or are you doing it selfishly and unlawfully, not in love for others and God, but merely “to consume it upon your own lusts”?i Criticizing leaders was taboo, and I had been punished for far less, so writing the letter was risky, but Zerby never responded directly to my letter. Mr. Brightside – The Killers It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now they're goin' to bed and my stomach is sick And it's all in my head, but she's touching his Chest now He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can't look, it's killing me And taking control Jealousy Turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me The second half of this chapter describes the time David Berg, Karen Zerby and their staff showed up at the cult’s Heavenly City School compound in Japan where Rachelle and I had been reunited several months after our forced separation. That compound served several purposes. It was a ‘school’ to continue the indoctrination of children and teens. Conferences and meetings were held there, and it was also a temporary refuge for members who fled persecution in the Philippines. It also had audio and video recording studios, with the cult’s best musicians from around the world there to produce audio and video cassettes for sale. Among them was Jeremy Spencer, who had dropped out of Fleetwood Mac in 1971 when on tour in Los Angeles to join the Children of God. I Don’t Want to Know – Fleetwood Mac I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps Right on walkin' on down the line I don't want to stand between you and love, honey I just want you to feel fine I don't want to know the reasons why love keeps Right on walkin' on down the line I don't want to stand between you and love, honey I just want you to feel fine Finally, baby The truth has come down, now Take a listen to your spirit It's cryin' out loud Trying to believe David Berg’s arrival at the Heavenly City School compound was quite a shocking development for us regular members. Berg had lived in hiding for decades, even from his own followers. ..... Then one day in February 1988, I saw the end-time prophet in person. Mid-morning that day everyone in the compound was called to gather in the dining hall, which was unusual. Curiously, all the curtains were closed, so clearly something important was up. A stranger with an air of authority came into the hall and started speaking about the importance of staying security conscious. He told us we would start to see numerous unfamiliar faces around the compound and warned us not to speculate or gossip among ourselves, or talk to anyone we didn’t know unless they talked to us first. I was sitting beside one of the windows and noticed the silhouettes of two people in the parking lot. Curious, I peeked through a crack in the curtains and saw the profile of a bearded man wearing a cloak walking arm in arm with a woman. They were headed up the hill behind the compound to a small pyramid shaped building Mrs. Narita built as a prayer room after reading Berg’s letter about the supposed supernatural powers of pyramids.ii I suddenly realized that the mysterious couple was Berg and Zerby, and the stranger speaking was their right-hand man, Steven Kelly,iii known to us as Peter Amsterdam. This was both a thrilling and terrifying turn of events. Although it was exciting to be at the centre of the action, I was spiritually intimidated by the prophet’s presence. Berg’s end-time predictions motivated me, but his dictatorial, capricious nature frightened me. His letters contain many examples of how, in a fit of self-righteous indignation, he lashed out at those around him with wrathful verbal abuse and punishments for minor matters.iv He published those accounts as warnings to toe the line, or else, so I was treading carefully after Peter’s lecture. A few days later, as I was about to enter the front door of the main building, I heard someone call out “good morning son” from the window on the upper floor of the white house directly across the street. Immediately recognizing Berg’s voice from audio recordings, I froze, afraid to turn and face him. Was he talking to me, or to Sil

    37 min

  2. 2d ago

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 14 – I Shook Hands With The Butcher Of Beijing Music featured in this chapter: Speaking English – Isle of Man Close Encounters of the Third Kind: Communicating with music China – Joan Baez This chapter of my memoir first describes my return to Japan ten years after the first time I lived there, and the several months I spent evangelizing at the World Expo 1985 in Tsukuba. The rest of the chapter describes the year I spent in Beijing, China in 1985/86 as an undercover missionary disguised as a school teacher. Back in Tokyo, reunited with Rachelle, I heard about a meeting on evangelizing China that occurred while I was away. It was led by Maggie (formerly Keda) who was now a co-leader of the Asia-Pacific region with Chris,i Ezra and his wife Ginny. The meeting provided practical information for anyone interested in teaching English there. Inspired by my two courier trips, I was intrigued by the idea of living in China as an undercover missionary. Though I was a high school drop out, I thought being a native English speaker would be sufficient qualification, like it was for my teaching job in Macau. I didn’t want to miss this opportunity, so after discussing it with Rachelle, I wrote to Maggie expressing our desire to go to China. My letter arrived at an opportune time. Maggie had just ordered a couple, Sam and Angel, to remain in Japan where they were visiting during the summer break from his teaching job in Beijing. Thinking I might be able to step into Sam’s job at the start of the fall semester, which was just a couple months away, she approved our request. She told me to meet with Tommy, who would help me forge a university degree, a required credential for getting a work visa in China. Like many members, I had committed immigration fraud by illegally working as a missionary, but I had never used fake documents before.ii Tommy had all the necessary materials, and I copied the design layout from his fake degree. I then made photocopies to conceal the crude counterfeit. If anyone asked to see the original I would tell them I left it with my parents in Canada. In September 1985, Rachelle, Peter and I were on the move again, flying to China on a wing and a prayer. ... the only school that replied [to my resume], the Central Institute of Finance and Banking. Renamed the Central University of Finance and Economics,i it is now China’s top economics university. It was shut down during the Cultural Revolution in the 1960s and early 70s along with all other educational institutions, and some of its buildings were taken over by a tobacco factory. It had reclaimed most of them since then, but when I went for an interview I could tell from the aroma wafting through the campus that the factory was still operating in at least one building. My interviewer told me that a teacher they were expecting to come from the U.S. had backed out, so he was relieved to receive my letter. After a brief interview, he was doubly pleased to hire me on the spot. The university in Beijing where I taught English in the 1985/86 school year. I did not take this photo, but it was probably taken around the time I worked there. Speaking English – Isle of Man, 1986, the same year I’m teaching English in China. It’s the 3rd song in this full album. We are standing face to face Here to talk and not debate To reach a common ground at a common place We need only communicate Just because we're speaking English Doesn't mean we're talking sense To share a common light under a common sun We need not share a distant tongue I taught twelve hours of classes a week to first year students. One introduced himself as the spokesperson for the others and said he was a member of the Communist Youth League, a branch of the Communist Party. I assumed he was assigned to monitor the content of my classes in case I strayed into forbidden topics. His English was better than the other students, and a few times he pointed out a grammar mistake I made, a subject he might’ve had more formal training in than I did as a high school drop out. Although I had no professional training on how to prepare appropriate lesson plans, I had various teaching materials left by Sam that were useful for reading and writing exercises. I also taught one class a week in a new language lab, giving my students aural exercises such as transcribing the lyrics of an English song. But both my students and I preferred conversational lessons. For those, I had everyone sit in a circle so everyone could more easily participate in discussions. My democratic approach was probably unusual in that authoritarian education system where teachers feed facts to passive students for the purpose of passing exams. Some students were uncomfortable with my teaching style at first, but I invited them to ask me personal questions about life in Canada, or talk about any topic they wanted, which helped draw in those who didn’t see the value of unstructured learning. There were few opportunities outside of class for students to hear native English speakers, so showing them a movie was another tool I used to help them improve their aural comprehension. I had a videocassette recorder that Sam and Angel left behind, and about 50 films to choose from. Movies were the only form of outside entertainment Family members were permitted. We couldn’t watch any movie, though, only ones that were approved by leaders based on Berg’s spiritual criteria. They couldn’t contradict his teachings in any way and had to have positive, inspiring messages with happy endings.”ii The Family’s spiritual censorship was similar to China’s censorship of “spiritual pollution” from western culture that was proliferating after the “open door” economic reforms. At the beginning of 1986 the government issued strict censorship guidelines for foreign films: no sex, violence, decadence, superstition, distorted history or science, or anything that could harm diplomatic relationships. I wasn’t aware of those new guidelines yet, but knew I had to carefully consider the government’s political sensitivities when choosing a movie to show my students. The first one I chose was the 1977 film, Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I thought its happy ending, with its positive message of learning to communicate with aliens was a good metaphor for students studying a foreign language with one. It was a rare chance for them to see a foreign film that wouldn’t be released in China until 1990. Close Encounters of the Third Kind: Communicating with music Me in the white coat outside the Beijing Friendship Store with a fellow cult member visiting from Harbin. My school also gave me a ticket to the opening ceremony of a special Communist Party National Conference of Party Delegates held in the Great Hall of the People on the west side of Tiananmen Square, where I joined other foreign experts, dignitaries and diplomats invited to witness that public part of China’s political process. Among the politicians seated on stage were the paramount leader, Deng Xiaoping, the General Secretary of the Party, Hu Yaobang, and Premier Zhao Ziyang. Hu was a reformist whose death in 1989 prompted pro-democracy protests. Zhao was the principal architect of the open door policy established by Deng. He was later denounced and purged for supporting the protesters in Tiananmen Square. I had a kind of Forrest Gump moment at another official event I attended, a banquet for foreign experts to thank us for contributing to China’s modernization. Among the uniformed officials at the banquet’s head table was the Vice Premier at the time, Li Peng. After speeches and dinner, Li strolled the room speaking with some of the guests. When he got to my table, he addressed me through his interpreter. After a brief conversation he shook my hand and moved on. I didn’t know it then, but I shook hands with the Butcher of Beijing.iii That’s the epithet given to Li by those holding him responsible for the Tiananmen massacre three years later. By that time he was the Premier, the person who declared martial law and sent troops and tanks to violently end the student-led democracy protests. Thousands were injured or killed. I was living in Hong Kong then and watched news reports of the protest and slaughter, wondering if any of my former students were in the crowd. A photo of Tiananmen I took looking across to the Great Hall of the People. China – Joan Baez In the month of May, in the glory of the day Came the descendants of a hundred flowers And their fight it did begin with the aging Mandarin And they fought with an extraordinary power Everyone was smiling, their hearts were one In Tiananmen Square But it seems that the Spring this year in Beijing Came just before the Fall There was no summer at all In Tiananmen Square China... China There's peace in the emerald fields, there's mist upon the lakes But something is afoot in the People's Hall The spirit of Chu Ping is alive in young Chai Ling And the Emperor has his back against the wall Black sun rising over Tiananmen Square Over Tiananmen Square In the month of June, in the darkness of the moon Went the descendants of a hundred flowers And time may never tell how many of them fell Like the petals of a rose in some satanic shower Everyone was weeping in all of China And Tiananmen Square And even the moon on the fourth day of June Hid her face and did not see Black sun rising over Tiananmen Square And Wang Wei Lin, you remember him All alone he stood before the tanks A shadow of forgotten ancestors in Tiananmen Square i Central University of Finance and Economics ii David Berg “Happy Endings”, June 1979, pars. 5,9,12 iii “’Butcher of Beijing’ tries to clear his name”, The Guardian, August 19, 2004 Also see: “‘Every year I get new pictures’: the fight to preserve the memory of Tiananmen” The Guardian, June 4, 2026 https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/jun/04/tiananmen-square-m

    27 min

  3. 2d ago

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 13 – Pearls Of The Orient Music featured in this chapter: China – Sammy Hagar Undercover Agents – Enter Shikari As a young teen I knew almost nothing about China, but I was intrigued by it. Many Chinese immigrants had come to our small mill town over the decades. The father of one of my Chinese-Canadian classmates was in the British air force based in Hong Kong during WW2. There was a photo of him in his uniform on their living room wall. My classmate was a second generation Canadian, so he and his siblings were well assimilated into Canadian culture, but a new immigrant family from Hong Kong moved across the alley from our house. I quickly made friends with their two children, the younger was my age and the other a couple years older. I especially liked visiting them in their home because it gave me a glimpse of a different culture. I went over one time while they were eating dinner, and was fascinated by their unfamiliar foods and ways of eating with chopsticks out of shared dishes and lots of slurping noises (acceptable when eating soup or noodles), which was quite a contrast to my own quiet family dinners. Perhaps the biggest Chinese influence on me was Steve, a classmate in junior high school. He was also a recent immigrant from Hong Kong, who longed to return there. He found small town Port Alberni boring after living in that bustling city. He told me stories of his life in Hong Kong that fed my wanderlust to see that city and the world. In this photo we are on a field trip with our grade 9 class. Notice the headband and flower in my hair. In mid 1983, Rachelle, Peter and I arrived in Penang, the Pearl of the Orient. That Malaysian tropical island shares the title with a few other places, including Hong Kong and Shanghai. We would soon live in the former and I would visit the latter, but Penang was the perfect place to start our foreign adventure, especially for Rachelle and Peter. Our life there was fairly laid-back, so they were able to slowly adapt to the culture shock of living outside Canada for the first time. ... ... After nearly four months in Malaysia, we received a message from the top leader of the Asia-Pacific region. Keda had read our letter replying to the help wanted ad by a couple in Macau. She instructed us to go there as soon as possible to help them so they could work full time translating Berg’s writings into Chinese. ... ... We arrived in Macau near the end of 1983. Situated on the west side of the Pearl River estuary across from Hong Kong, it was still a Portuguese colony at the time. Macau was the first European colony in 16th century China, and the last one remaining when China resumed its sovereignty over the territory in 1999. Parts of the city are frozen in time. Centuries-old forts, churches, temples and neoclassical buildings stand in sharp contrast to the gaudy bright lights of modern casinos. ... ... American Danny and Taiwanese Becky lived with their three young boys in a three-bedroom apartment near Senado Square, the historic centre of Macau. We arrived in the middle of a meeting they were having with other Chinese translators based in Hong Kong. We were surprised to see Keda there too, who was overseeing their work. She explained she recruited us because unlike most Family couples, we only had one older child, so we were well-suited for this situation. Taking care of Danny and Becky’s children and running the home would enable them to focus full-time on translating Berg’s letters. … … I felt honoured she recruited us to help Danny and Becky’s important work. After being closed to the outside world for over 25 years, communist China was just beginning to open up, so I was excited to be part of that mission. Although we weren’t personally evangelizing, the literature Danny and Becky were translating would reach far more people than we ever could ourselves. By serving them, we served God. … China – Sammy Hagar But that China wind keeps callin' me It knows where I want to go You see, I really don't have the choices My life is torn between lovin you and them So I pretend to chart my courses But I listen to that China wind Oh China, I can hear you call You're a riddle wrapped up inside a mystery While living in Macau, Peter and I were some of the first foreign solo travelers, that is we were not part of a tour group, allowed to enter China after it began to slowly open its doors to the world. The government office that issued our visitor visas insisted we hire a car and driver to cross the border, claiming it was for our safety, but it was really just a money grab. However, we felt like real VIPs when our Mercedes Benz was quickly waved through the border crossing, while tourists in buses had to get off their bus and be processed individually. We only spent the day in China, returning to Macau after meeting two of the undercover members living there and delivering them new cult publications and household items not yet available in the newly industrializing country. After about a year in Macau, Rachelle and I were recruited to work in a leadership home in Hong Kong. In September 1984, there was a fellowship conference for all members in Hong Kong and Macau, except for those living incognito in secret World Services units. About a hundred of us gathered for four days at a YMCA campground in rural Hong Kong that had cabins, a communal kitchen, and conference hall. On the last day, Mark, the leader in charge of all the regular homes pulled Rachelle and I aside and recruited us for his office home in Hong Kong. A suggestion or request from a leader was essentially an order. We were expected to respond with, “thy wish is my command!”. ... ... Like in Macau, Rachelle helped care for the kids, while I cooked, did chores and ran errands. I also got to take another courier trip to China, this time alone by train, taking publications and products to Family missionaries disguised as English teachers in the southern cities of Guangzhou (formerly Canton), Hangzhou and Shanghai. I was extremely excited to once again participate directly in our undercover mission to the communist country, one of the last we still had to reach with our end-time gospel message before Jesus returned. I was also a bit nervous smuggling sensitive Family material, which I buried at the bottoms of my backpack and large suitcase, hidden under a pile of products I was bringing that weren’t yet available in those early years of China’s modernization. Almost everyone in the customs line had similar overloaded baggages, so fortunately, the agent only did a superficial inspection before waving me through. 1984 Me and Rachelle at the Hong Kong fellowship conference where we were recruited to work in a leader’s home. Undercover Agents – Enter Shikari And I said, "Park your car and come on up to my house We'll plan a revolution" And I said, "Yeah, I think I'm ready to begin We'll destroy the disillusion" I am currently under construction Thank you for your patience We veneer and veil, we present a cold disguise We're all undercover agents It's only in our heads It's only in our heads Living in Macau and Hong Kong for a couple years, with those two courier trips I made to mainland China, made me eager to become an undercover missionary there. However, in early 1985 all regular members were told to evacuate Hong Kong due to government persecution targeting the cult. Some of the cult’s super-secret cells that controlled the cult’s international finances were located there, so the evacuation was to protect them from being discovered. About 10 years after I left Japan, I returned there. China would have to wait, but not for long. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

    19 min

  4. 6d ago

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter Twelve – On The Road Again Music featured in this chapter: On The Road Again – Willie Nelson Black lightning – The BellRays Jet Airliner – Steve Miller Band This chapter of my memoir opens with my returning to the cult and hooking up with a new member, Rachelle, a mother of two who was nine years older than me. In early December 1979, I separated from the system a second time and left Port Alberni to rejoin the Children of God, now known as the Family of Love, or just the Family. I had accepted Fai Lok’s invitation to join her in a small commune in Nova Scotia on the opposite side of the country. I spent the entire six-day, 6,000 kilometre train trip from Vancouver to Halifax in a coach car. I was on the road again. My indoctrinated mindset and missionary zeal was reemerging as I returned to the Family and a life of constant change. In just a couple months, I would be headed back west, but not alone. ... ... Rachelle’s kids, Karen and Peter, were 12 and 9. She had recently joined the Family with them, recruited by her sister-in-law, Bobbie. Rachelle was in the process of divorcing Bobbie’s brother, Steve, who was neither a Family member, nor the children’s biological father. That was a married man Rachelle had a long term affair with before she married Steve. He was a businessman in Halifax and both kids had his last name. Because their affair was illegitimate, Rachelle didn’t tell her devout Catholic parents about Karen until a year after she was born. ... ... Less than two months after I arrived in Halifax, Rachelle got a phone call from Bobbie and her husband Norm inviting her and the kids to join them in Calgary, Alberta. Bobbie had recently received a small inheritance and used it to buy a school bus that was converted into a motorhome. They were following Berg’s latest instructions to hit the road with mobile ministries. Their initial plan was to travel around Alberta and British Columbia visiting Family homes and evangelizing along the way. When Rachelle told them about me, I was invited too. ... ... With few other options, and bearing in mind Berg’s end-time predictions, we accepted their invitation. Living on the road would give us the ability to quickly head for the hills and avoid the chaos that would follow America’s imminent destruction. ... ... For the next nine months we travelled around Alberta and British Columbia visiting Family homes, and going door-to-door in the towns we passed through selling literature and yellow plastic buttons with slogans like “God’s Only Law Is Love”. Bobbie was also very skilled at convincing businesses to donate goods and services to us, including restaurant meals, groceries, and gas. Having her niece and nephew with her helped when making appeals in person, as people were more likely to give when children were present. In the earliest, hippy years of the cult, David Berg took his followers on the road in a hodgepodge caravan of converted school buses, vans, campers, travel trailers and other vehicles that crossed the U.S. from California to Quebec, Canada. They likened themselves to a band of Gypsies, and they wrote songs accompanied with circle dances that expressed that spirit of travellers with no earthly place to call home, often persecuted and forced to move on. Berg picked up on that and claimed in a series of letters to his followers that one of his “spirit helpers” was an old Gypsy king named Abrahim. Bizarrely, he also claimed other fictional characters were his spirit helpers, such as the Pied Piper, who was helping him steal children away from their parents. On The Road Again – Willie Nelson On the road again Goin' places that I've never been Seein' things that I may never see again I can't wait to get on the road again Here we go, on the road again Like a band of Gypsies we go down the highway We're the best of friends Insisting that the world keep turnin' our way In this chapter I also discuss the person referred to as Black Lightening, the creator of cult deprogramming. Ronald Reagan was Governor of California in the late 1960s and early ‘70s when Berg formed the Children of God in Huntington Beach. After the group was accused of brainwashing its members, Reagan’s Special Assistant for Community Affairs, well known African American community activist, Ted Patrick,i became personally involved in helping parents rescue their children from the Children of God. In 1971, acting on a mother’s complaint that the police would not search for her missing 19 year old son, Ted Patrick discovered that he had joined the Children of God. He then learned that the group tried to recruit his own son. Patrick began an investigation, which included briefly joining the group under false pretenses. It was from his experiences with the Children of God that Patrick developed his controversial theory on how to extricate people from cults, and became known as Black Lightening, the father of deprogramming.ii A 1974 report described his deprogramming process: Enter Ted Patrick, kidnapper of kids, deprogrammer of Jesus freaks. Black Lightening, as he likes to be called. His technique sounded a little heavy: getting parents to abduct their kid from a colony, locking the kid in a motel room for three days, berating the kid to “think for himself” until – sometimes – “the fever broke.” The kids Patrick worked on often went through “relapses” and escaped back to the Children of God.iii Patrick started working closely with concerned parents and helped form the Parents Committee to Free Our Children From the Children of God (FreeCOG).iv He and his accomplices began kidnapping and deprogramming Children of God members, with varying success.v Berg described Patrick as “a Satanist ... who believes in voodoo and demonology ... a Black devil!”vi That danger put the group on high alert, leading to the kind of serious security measures I was part of as a night watchman in the Burlington, Washington compound. Securing our safety became a central feature of life in the Family, which included using aliases, fronts, secret cells, encrypted communications, nightly security checks, and even home invasion escape drills in the event of raids by authorities or enemies. We lived in a heightened state of fear, always ready to run at a moments notice with packed “flee bags” prepared for any emergency. Black lightning – The BellRays Storm cloud coming Coming straight to you You can’t run for shelter There’s nothing you can do I’m a new sensation. I’m on fire Overload your systems. Gonna jump your wires I’m Black Lightning I’m a sinner baby I’m all the power you need Now I’m out of the bottle I’m gonna set you free I can strike a hundred times a day Nothing ever gets in my way I’m Black Lightning I’ll be in your mind I’ll be in your soul No matter where you are. I’ll be in your head Never gonna rest until I’m dead I’m Black Lightning All across the world. Every night and day I’ll be your Sun to light the way I’m Black Lightning We watched TV coverage of the November 1980 U.S. election while we were in Alberta. Ronald Reagan’s landslide victory worried us because he was our enemy. Reagan’s election made us even more anxious to head south to safer foreign fields. However, our plan abruptly ended when the bus broke down on the highway between Edmonton and Calgary. Norm had it towed to his parents empty farm house about an hour away, but after Berg’s recent recommendation to abandon the mobile ministry they weren’t sure they would keep the bus after it was repaired. They intended to stay there until then, but the house was too small for all of us. We were homeless now. With few options and almost no money, Rachelle and I decided going to Port Alberni was our best move until we could figure out a new plan. We were able to get travel assistance from the government welfare office, which paid for our bus, train, and meals for the overnight trip. When I left Port Alberni almost exactly a year earlier, I was single and had one suitcase. I returned with a wife, two kids and about a dozen bags. We crowded into my parents’ house and spent the Christmas holidays there, while we considered our next move. ... ...Our initial plan was to go to India, based on Berg’s recommendation for Commonwealth citizens. We kept our options open though, by answering a few appeals for help in the Family magazine. One was from a family in Macau, a Portuguese colony on China’s southern border. The other was a couple with two children in Malaysia. We didn’t hear from the Macau family, so we accepted the invitation from the other couple to join them on the tropical island of Penang. We left Canada in the summer of 1983. Jet Airliner – Steve Miller Band Leavin' home, out on the road I've been down before Ridin' along on this big ol' jet plane I've been thinkin' about my home But my love light seems so far away And I feel like it's all been done Somebody's tryin' to make me stay You know I've got to be movin' on Goodbye to all my friends at home Goodbye to people I've trusted I've got to go out and make my way I might get rich, you know, I might get busted But my heart keeps calling me backwards As I get on the 707 Ridin' high, I got tears in my eyes You know you got to go through hell Before you get to heaven i Ted Patrick ii “From the Archives: Mind Control U.S.A. (1979)”, High Times, April 9, 2022 iii Thomas Moore, “Where have all the Children of God gone?”, New Times 1974-10-04 iv FreeCOG Parents who did not see the Children of God as a harmful group set up a counter organization called Thankful Parents & Friends of the Children of God (ThankCOG). They challenged FreeCOG claims and negative publicity with a newsletter supporting the group. My mother received some of their material. v Ted Patrick & Tom Dulack, Let our children go! Ballantine Books (April 12, 1979) First chapter of Let our children

    22 min

  5. 6d ago

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter 11 – The Prodigal Child Returns Music featured in this chapter: Mr. Robot – Styx Family Affair – Sly & the Family Stone Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan (Take 1 - Slow Train Coming studio outtake) One of Wiktionary’s definitions for “prodigal” is: 4) Behaving as a prodigal son: 1. Having (selfishly) abandoned a person, group, or ideal. 2. Returning or having returned, especially repentantly, after such an abandonment. The title of this chapter in my memoir, like a few others, has a double meaning. I first abandoned my family to ‘join’ the cult, then abandoned the cult and returned to my family, only to abandon my family again and return to the cult. In the summer of 1977, a year after I left the Children of God, [in the Philippines] I returned to Canada. After three and a half years in Asia, and five years since I dropped out of the system to follow the end-time prophet, reverse culture shock hit me doubly hard. I felt like a foreigner in my own country, an outsider who didn’t fit in. I was nearly 22 years old, a high school drop out with no work history, money, possessions or plans. Fortunately, I had a family to return to, which made my readjustment to life back in Port Alberni easier than if I had no one to depend on for help. ... ... I was no longer certain what God’s will was for me. I still believed in the Bible and Berg’s end-time prophecies, but my indoctrination marred my mind, making it more difficult to reintegrate into society. My abnormal transition from adolescent to adult while socially isolated in the Children of God left me unprepared to live in the real world. I believed it would soon end anyway, so it seemed pointless to plan my future. I just needed to get by until the Antichrist appeared, signalling the final few years before Christ’s return in 1993. I kept my beliefs to myself, though, and never talked about my Jesus freak life to anyone. ... ... I remained chained to dogmatic Christian indoctrination, so had difficulty conforming to a world I believed would soon collapse into chaos and end in 1993 when Jesus returned. My dead-end jobs were just means to an end while I waited for doomsday. Getting drunk and stoned helped me endure the wait. Readjusting to the real world was difficult. Revealing my radical religious beliefs would’ve made it even harder, so I never discussed them with anyone. I kept my past a secret and friendships superficial, staying emotionally aloof, never letting anyone get close enough to know the real me. How could I? I was a stranger even to myself, living an unexamined life. I had platonic female friends, but I was unwilling to get intimately involved with a woman who didn’t share my beliefs, which impeded any possibility of a romantic relationship. While back in Canada for a couple years, I kept my cult life a secret from everyone. I didn’t even discuss it with my family. Because of cult conformity and groupthink, cult members are often considered by outsiders as brainwashed automatons, acting like robots without minds of their own. That isn’t an entirely accurate characterization. Although heavily indoctrinated, they still have the capacity to exercise their own will. However, that capacity is squelched, resisted, buried in the unconscious to make it easier to conform with the group. Mr. Robot – Styx You're wondering who I am (Secret, secret, I've got a secret) Machine or mannequin (Secret, secret, I've got a secret) With parts made in Japan (Secret, secret, I've got a secret) I am the Modern Man I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin My heart is human, my blood is boiling my brain So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide To keep me alive, just keep me alive Somewhere to hide to keep me alive I'm not a robot without emotions, I'm not what you see I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior, forget what you know I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control Beyond my control, we all need control I need control, I need control all need control In this chapter I describe my father’s family history, which he never talked to me about, and my shock to meet his mother, my grandmother who I had always thought was dead. If I had known my dad’s story I might have at least partly understood why he never talked to me about his parents or his childhood. But not knowing those facts, I always assumed both his parents died while he was very young, so he had few memories of them to talk about. That’s why I was so shocked when, out of the blue, my dad introduced me to his mother and half-brother. It happened after I had moved out of my parent’s house. When my mum called me one day to come meet some relatives, the last thing I expected was to be introduced to my grandmother, who I thought was dead, and an uncle I didn’t know existed. Dumbstruck and confused, my head was spinning trying make sense of this revelation. We made small talk, but our conversations stayed superficial, and I didn’t ask her or my dad the questions I had. Did he always know she was alive and where she was? If so, why did he keep her a secret from us until now? Perhaps I was hoping they would provide the answer to those and other questions in the various conversations going on, but that didn’t happen. By the time she left a few days later, all my unasked questions remained unanswered. I still knew next to nothing about her or her relationship with my dad. I don’t know if they stayed in contact with each other after that, but I never saw or heard of her again. Family Affair – Sly & the Family Stone It's a family affair Over there, world gone bad You can't leave 'cause your heart is there But, sure, you can't stay 'cause you been somewhere else You can't cry 'cause you'll look broke down But you're cryin' anyway 'cause you're all broke down In the last part of this chapter, I tell the story of hearing Bob Dylan’s song Gotta Serve Somebody and how that reactivated my cult indoctrination and led me back to the cult. I foreshadow that event in the opening paragraphs of the first chapter in my memoir, which you can also read about in the second episode in this Soundtrack To My Life series here [this is an excerpt from my memoir] Shortly after that I heard the song “Gotta Serve Somebody” from Bob Dylan’s new gospel album, Slow Train Coming. I interpreted it as an even more direct message from God. When I first heard it on the car radio I immediately parked so I could listen to the lyrics. It was astonishing to hear Dylan paraphrasing the same scripture that Children of God recruiters first impressed on me seven years earlier when they encouraged me to drop out and serve Jesus: “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Matthew 6:24) The song evoked a strong emotional reaction. My indoctrination had been reactivated. While I was considering the changes in the Children of God, and contemplating the divine signs calling me to return to the Family, I suddenly became homeless. When my uncle verbally abused me in a drunken rage, I packed my bags and moved out the next morning. For the next few weeks I slept on couches, first with a friend and then with my cousin, until I finally found my own furnished apartment. It was the first time in my 24 year-old life that I lived alone, but it didn’t last long. A couple weeks after I moved in, my landlady gave me an eviction notice without any warning. She lived directly below me and claimed I was making unreasonable noise. I was shocked by her unreasonableness, but I was too inexperienced to know I could’ve fought the eviction and probably won. That was the last straw. I gave up trying to conform to worldly expectations. In some ways life with the Children of God had infantilized me. My abnormal adolescent transition to adulthood within the strictures of a secretive, socially isolated, sect had not properly prepared me to handle the responsibilities, difficulties and uncertainties of living independently in the real world. I saw my inability to stand on my own and secure stable housing as another sign directing me back to my spiritual life as an itinerant evangelist. For quite awhile I had been feeling unfulfilled, frustrated and lonely living a mundane life while waiting for doomsday. Serving God with like-minded disciples in the Children of God had given my life meaning and purpose, and provided many exotic adventures. Now, with no anchors keeping me grounded in reality, nothing was stopping me from returning to them. So, before my eviction took effect and I had to find a new place, I decided to dropout a second time and rejoin what I was convinced was the new and improved Children of God, rebranded as the Family of Love. Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan (Take 1 - Slow Train Coming studio outtake) But you’re going to have to serve somebody, yes indeedYou’re going to have to serve somebodyWell, it may be the devil or it may be the LordBut you’re going to have to serve somebody This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

    29 min

  6. Jun 1

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter Ten – Welcome to the Jungle, or The Guest Who Wouldn’t Leave Music featured in this article: Run Through The Jungle – Creedence Clearwater Revival Country Roads – John Denver El Cóndor Pasa (If I Could) – Simon and Garfunkle Morning Has Broken – Cat Stevens Moonshadow – Cat Stevens An Unwelcome Guest – The Lodger This chapter of my memoir has an unusual title. As I explain in the Introduction episode of this series, the chapter titles changed during the drafting process. Initially, all the titles were song titles or song lyrics, but not all those titles survived the final edit. In this case, I couldn’t make up my mind, so I just left this working title as the final version because it describes a major development in my story. One thing that didn’t make the final cut was an anecdote I started this chapter with about a Japanese soldier who hid in a Philippine a jungle for decades after WW2 ended, because he didn’t know the war had ended. I thought that story was a good metaphor for the events I tell in this chapter, how I left the cult while stationed in the Manila commune, and fled on my own to a remote jungle village on the southern island of Mindanao. This is the paragraph cut from the final version. In March 1974, a WW2 Japanese soldier emerged from a Philippine jungle where he had been hiding since 1945.i Persuaded that the war he continued to fight alone all those years ended decades earlier, he finally returned to Japan. The next year I left Japan to join my fellow Christian soldiers in the Philippines. Then a year after that I too fled to a jungle hideout, deserting my spiritual army, but still believing endtime wars would soon lead to the rise of the Antichrist. When thinking of relevant music for this chapter, I first thought of the Guns and Roses song Welcome to the Jungle, because the residents of that jungle village welcomed me with open arms. However, those lyrics, which are about a concrete ‘jungle’, don’t match the subject of this chapter as good as the Creedence Clearwater Revival song Run Through the Jungle, with its war theme and references to the devil and Satan. Run Through The Jungle – Creedence Clearwater Revival Whoa thought it was a nightmare Lord it was so true They told me don’t go walking slow The devil’s on the loose Better run through the jungle Whoa don’t look back to see Thought I heard a rumblin’ Callin’ to my name Two hundred million guns are loaded Satan cries, “Take aim!” This chapter in my memoir covers the entire two years I was in the Philippines, the first year in the cult, and the second year out of it, as I’ve explained. I tell the story of my second love affair, this time with a Filipina cult member, which was also forbidden by the leaders. We ran away together for several days, but finally returned to the commune only for her to leave the cult without me. Several months later I left too. I also describe my travels all throughout Luzon, the main island of the archipelago, while in the cult, and throughout the southern island of Mindanao after I left the cult. During my time in the Philippines I often evangelized with my guitar, singing our cult songs, but also including some mainstream gospel and pop songs. The first paragraph in this excerpt is when I was in the Baguio commune, the rest describes my arrival in the Mindanao village after I left the cult. Our house was walking distance to the main parts of town where we litnessed, including the large park in the centre of the city where we sang and danced to attract people. Some evenings a few of us sang our gospel songs in coffeehouses and bars that had open mic nights. Road teams also regularly travelled to towns in the other northern provinces. ... It was twilight when my companion suddenly called out to the driver to stop. We seemed to be in the middle of a jungle. At first I saw only palm trees and other tropical vegetation, but then spotted a few bamboo houses on the ocean side of the road. The bus left us in a cloud of dust and once that settled I saw a few more houses on the other side. One of them was his mother’s humble hillside hut. Strolling around the next morning, I realized the village was larger than it first appeared in the dark. Word had already spread that there was a foreign visitor. When I stopped to chat with a few people setting up a fiesta stage in the square they seemed relieved when I told them how I met the guy I arrived with. They explained that his mother was one of the poorest villagers, so it would be more appropriate for me to stay in one of their homes instead. I later learned they were concerned because he had a bad reputation. The Barrio Captain said I could stay in his home, proudly explaining it was the only one with a refrigerator, but Ricky had invited me first. He was a security guard in Medina and his wife, Gloria, was a teacher at Portulin Elementary School. They spoke better English and were closer to my age, so I preferred to stay with them in their bamboo stilt house near the beach. Ricky showed me around the community, pointing out the outhouse I should use and the communal well where I could take an outdoor bath. When he learned I played guitar, he encouraged me to join the performers on stage that evening. I borrowed a guitar and sang some Children of God songs and a few by Simon and Garfunkle, Cat Stevens, and John Denver. When I sang Denver’s “Country Roads”, they enthusiastically sang along. The music helped me break the language barrier, and befriend the entire village. Country Roads – John Denver. This song was a real crowd-pleaser everywhere I played it. Country roads, take me home To the place I belong I hear her voice in the morning hour, she calls me The radio reminds me of my home far away Driving down the road, I get a feeling That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday El Cóndor Pasa (If I Could) – Simon and Garfunkle I’d rather be a sparrow than a snail Yes I would If I could I surely would I’d rather be a hammer than a nail Yes I would If I only could I surely would Away, I’d rather sail away Like a swan that’s here and gone A man gets tied up to the ground He gives the world Its saddest sound Its saddest sound I’d rather be a forest than a street Yes I would If I could I surely would I’d rather feel the earth beneath my feet Yes I would If I only could I surely would Morning Has Broken – Cat Stevens. The religious lyrics made this song acceptable to play in the cult. Morning has broken like the first morning Blackbird has spoken like the first bird Praise for the singing, praise for the morning Praise for them springing fresh from the world Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning Born of the One Light Eden saw play Praise with elation, praise every morning God’s recreation of the new day Moonshadow – Cat Stevens. Placing this song here foreshadows a strange moonshadow cast by David Berg’s bizarre beliefs about the moon, coming up in chapter 17 of this series, Heavenly Lunacy, that you don’t want to miss. Yes I’m bein’ followed by a moonshadow Moonshadow, moonshadow Leapin’ and hoppin’ on a moonshadow Moonshadow, moonshadow Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light Oh did it take long to find me And are you gonna stay the night? After staying in that jungle village for about six months, I moved to Cagayan de Oro, a city on the north coast of Mindanao, hoping to find a legal way I could stay in the Philippines so I didn’t have to return to Canada. One of the villagers gave me a referral to his good friend who owned a motel in the city. I ended up living with his family for several months, before I had worn out my welcome. Jun gave me a free room and we had regular conversations for the week or so that I stayed there. He was a very kind man who probably would’ve helped me even without a referral from his friend. When the motel became fully booked he extended his hospitality, inviting me to stay with him and his wife, Amy, and their three children, Whilcey, Sandy and Maris. ... ...Initially, I considered looking for a job, assuming that would allow me to get a work visa. I spoke with a lawyer who explained that I was only eligible for a work visa if I was indispensable to a potential employer because no Philippine citizen was suitable, able or willing to do the job. But I was a 21-year-old high school drop out with no skills or work experience. It was highly unlikely I could find a job that fulfilled the visa requirements for foreign workers. Other visa categories also allowed extended stays in the country, if I had a substantial amount of money. The only other way was to marry a Filipino citizen, but in my desperate situation finding someone for a legitimate marriage, or even a marriage of convenience, seemed just as impossible as finding an eligible job. I was also reluctant to return to either the Children of God or Canada. The only other way I could stay in the country was if Berg’s endtime predictions happened before I had to leave, and I became a refugee. So, I continued to rely on Jun and Amy’s hospitality, while waiting for America’s destruction. I stayed with them a couple months, usually going out for the day and returning for dinner. Instead of making practical plans, I continued to delusionally delay the inevitable, until my hosts gave me a much needed wake-up call. At Christmas that year, 1976, they included me in celebrations with their extended family. At times over the evening I sensed some conflict between a few relatives when they spoke Filipino, which I didn’t understand. Everyone was very friendly with me, though, so I assumed either I misinterpreted the tone of their conversation or it was merely minor family tensions that typically arise on such occasions. It didn’t occur to me that they might have been talking about the guest who wouldn’t leave. My hosts eventually had enough of my freeloading,

    32 min

  7. May 28

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter Nine – I Felt The Earth Move Music featured in this chapter: I Feel the Earth Move – Carol King What Is A Youth - Glen Weston I Don’t Need No Doctor – Ray Charles There is double meaning to that title, which readers of my memoir might have realized. As discussed in the previous chapter, my pre-cult sex education both at home and at school was quite inadequate. In this chapter I discuss my sexual maturation, which was occurring in the context of Berg’s deviant sexual teachings within the closed community of the cult. In the following academic article published in the International Cultic Studies Association journal, International Journal of Coercion, Abuse and Manipulation, Vol 8, 2025, I describe Berg’s sexual grooming of his followers through a series of publications: As each new doctrine filtered down through the ranks, there was often a disconnect between what Berg taught in his letters addressed directly to all his followers, and what regional and local leaders were allowing and implementing. In this chapter I describe my first secretive sexual experiences and my confusion over what I was permitted to do or not. In the first part of this chapter I describe my first few months in Japan, evangelizing on the road in southern Honshu with another member. On that long road trip my partner had a sexual encounter with a non-member, and when he reported it to our leaders in Tokyo he was reprimanded for it. We both thought he was just obeying Berg’s teachings, so that added to my confusion over the new sexual doctrines. I was then recruited to work in the regional leaders home in Tokyo, where at age 18 I had my first sexual experiences. My first teen love story did not end happily. I befriended other neighbours too. On the block beside our building there was a small convenience store. I quickly made friends with the owner who often invited me into his home in the back for tea. ...A few times he invited me to join him and his wife for dinner. At one of those meals he introduced me to his niece, Keiko, who had recently moved to Tokyo to attend school. She was about my age and lived nearby in her own apartment a short walk up the narrow lane that separated the two blocks. ... I invited her to one of our weekend parties. ... Near the end of an exuberant evening of spiritually inspiring singing and dancing, one of the hosts led our visitors in a group salvation prayer. Caught up in the infectious enthusiasm, Keiko joined in. She was probably still emotionally aroused when I walked her home soon after. Outside her building I said goodbye and reached out to give her an habitual holy hug, a non-sexual brotherly love embrace we used as a greeting or when departing. Before I joined I never saw people, including my own family, hug like that. It wasn’t part of Japanese culture either, so while I naively intended my hug as a purely spiritual gesture, Keiko interpreted it differently. Tightening our embrace, she suddenly started kissing me, taking my breath away. I succumbed to the sensuality spreading from her soft lips and tongue, and we continued kissing for several minutes before I left. That was the first time I had kissed a girl, and I was infatuated by it. After the next party she came to, instead of walking her straight home, I took her to the roof top of our building. ... I wasn’t sure how Abby and Laadah would react, even though I was 18 years old, so I didn’t tell them about those two make out sessions. If they had known, they might not have given me permission when Keiko invited me to go out with her and her friends for a meal and a movie. ...I also don’t know if Keiko, or her friends, intentionally chose the movie, 1968’s Romeo and Juliet, which was re-released in 1973. The love story, and particularly the bedroom balcony scene, fuelled my desire and inspired me to find a way to be alone with my Juliet. I had to be as sneaky as Romeo to make that happen without anyone knowing. Fortunately, I wasn’t as closely supervised in that commune as in previous ones. A few times I had the staff apartment to myself when the others were out of town on a litnessing road trip or some other mission. ... I had no intention of telling Abby and Laadah about that sexual tryst with Keiko. Mindful of how Brother Sun was reprimanded for his flirty fishing sexcapade, I was sure they would disapprove. Keiko was also trying to keep our affair a secret from her uncle. She was worried her nosy neighbour might tell him if she saw or heard me coming and going from her apartment late at night, so she came to my place the next time I was alone for the weekend. However, considering the almost Shakespearean way we were discovered, we were apparently star-crossed just like the playwright’s forbidden lovers. We had just started to make-out, playfully rolling around on the floor semi-clothed, when the floor itself began to rock and roll. It wasn’t us making the earth move, it was an earthquake! When an earthquake strikes, it can take several seconds to realize what’s happening. Our sexual arousal probably also delayed our reaction as the building began to sway, until things started falling off a shelf. We jumped up and dashed to the window, sticking our heads out to see what was going on. Abby and Laadah were doing the same thing in their apartment directly above. Looking down, they saw two heads where there should have only been one and called out to me. Caught in the act, I didn’t know how to react. Keiko left, and I never saw her again. ... I Feel the Earth Move – Carol King I feel the earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down I feel my heart start to trembling Whenever you’re around Here is the Japanese poster for the 1968 movie Romeo and Juliet, which was re-released in 1973. It played in Tokyo in 1974, which is when I saw it with Keiko. What Is A Youth - Glen Weston, love theme in the 1968 movie Romeo and Juliet. Spoiler alert: Romeo and Juliet die, just like my secret relationship with Keiko did. What is a youth Impetuous fire What is a maid Ice and desire The world wags on A rose will bloom It then will fade So does a youth So does the fairest maid Comes a time when one sweet smile Has its seasons for awhile Then Love’s in love with me Some may think only to marry Others will tease and tarry Mine is the very best parry Cupid he rules us all Caper the cape, sing me the song Death will come soon to hush us along Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall Love is a pass-time that never will pall Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall Cupid he rules us all In this chapter I also describe the time I almost died because of Berg’s doctrines regarding medical care. After the leaders discovered my affair with Keiko, they feared problems with her uncle and father, who was a policeman, so they sent me away from Tokyo. I soon left on a road trip to Shikoku island where my next sexual encounter got me into more trouble. My partner and I were staying in a youth hostel in the city of Komatsushima when I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst abdominal pain I’ve ever experienced. I suffered for hours, barely enduring the agony, waiting for the day to start. My worried partner told the hostel manager who suggested I go to the Red Cross hospital, which fortunately was right across the street. My partner insisted I go, but I resisted at first, reluctant because of my indoctrination. Berg taught that God allowed sickness to punish us for our sins or to test our faith. He made it clear from the beginning that going to a doctor showed a lack of faith and trust in God’s healing power. One of the earliest Mo Letters was “Faith And Healing”. It concerns Japheth and Hannah, the leaders of the Port Alberni commune where I joined. ... ... I didn’t know if God was punishing me for my sins or testing my faith. Regardless, hours of excruciating pain eventually overpowered my fear of failing God. I agreed to go to the hospital. After an examination in the emergency ward, I waited unbearably long for the blood test and x-ray results, moaning, groaning and pacing around the waiting area. ... As they wheeled me into the operating room, I was dreading both the surgery and the consequences of disappointing God and my leaders. The kind nurse who prepped me must have noticed how nervous I looked because she comforted me by holding my hand as I went under. Afterwards, the doctor told me he operated just in time as my infected appendix was close to rupturing. If it had it could’ve caused serious problems, even death, if left untreated. My indoctrination almost prevented me from getting that treatment. Pain probably saved my life. ... According to Berg’s dogma, God allowed my appendicitis for a reason, so Abby and Medad came down from Tokyo to find out what that was. Suggesting I was out of God’s will in some way, they pressed me to confess. In my fragile state, facing another interrogation about sex so soon after the other, it didn’t take much pressure to break me. If God was testing my faith with the illness, then I failed him by having surgery. If he was punishing me, I wasn’t sure why. It was like I was back in the Catholic confessional booth, childishly trying to think of some sins I must’ve been be guilty of. I couldn’t think of anything I did to displease God prior to my illness that Abby and Medad hadn’t already dealt with in Tokyo. Needing to confess something, though, I told them about the gaijin hunter in the hospital. ... I remained based out of the Osaka commune for a few more months, until I was arrested by an immigration officer. I Don’t Need No Doctor – Ray Charles I don’t need no doctor For my prescription to be filled I don’t need no Aspirins (I don’t need no doctor) I don’t need no lotion (I don’t need no doctor) I say, I don’t need (I don’t need no doctor) No vitamin pills (I don’t need no doctor) I don’t need no surgery (I don’t

    21 min

  8. May 28

    Misguided: The Soundtrack To My Life

    Chapter Eight – Revolutionary Sex Music featured in this chapter: Sexual Revolution – Macy Gray This chapter of my memoir opens with my arrival in Hawaii after fleeing what I believed was the imminent destruction of the United States. A couple months later I left for Japan. After describing my first few months in Japan, I stop that narrative just before describing my first sexual experience, which happened in Tokyo, in order to discuss the cult’s sexual doctrines and my own sexual education before I “joined” the cult. Before I joined the Children of God I was quite awkward around girls. I didn’t have female friendships and was too shy to talk to girls I was attracted to, so I never danced at school dances, dated, or had a girlfriend. One time my high school friend Dave set up a blind date for me with his girlfriend’s friend. He didn’t tell me, though, so I wasn’t expecting them when they showed up at his place. Soon after they arrived, Dave and his girlfriend disappeared to his room. I was extremely uncomfortable in that situation, alone with a girl I didn’t know and wasn’t attracted to. Embarrassed, unsure how to act or what to say, I panicked and ran out the door without a word. Soon after that I joined the Children of God, so never developed the social-emotional skills that teens and young adults typically learn through dating rituals. Members were forbidden to date or have any sexual contact of any kind outside of marriage, which required a leader’s approval. However, unknown to all but his inner circle, Berg had been living a sexually permissive lifestyle secretly behind the scenes, while imposing those strict rules on most of his followers. Berg eventually began to relax those rules by publishing his boundary-breaking beliefs on sexuality in a series of letters. He began grooming his followers to accept his unorthodox sexual doctrines in “Revolutionary Sex”,i in which he emphasizes the godly naturalness of nudity, masturbation and sexuality in general, and criticizes religious dogma that sees sex as shameful. Some passages foreshadow later letters that opened the door to almost every kind of sexual activity. Sexual Revolution – Macy Gray Everybody shake it time to be free amongst yourselves your mama told you to be discreet and keep your freak to yourself but your mama lied to you all this time she knows as well as you and I you’ve got to express what is taboo in you and share your freak with the rest of us cause it’s a beautiful thang this is my sexual revolution Everybody break it Every rule every constriction My papa told me to be home by now But my party has just begun Maybe he’ll understand that I got to be To be the freak that God made me So many things that I want to try Got to do them before I die I discuss in detail my own inadequate sex education both at home and at school prior to the cult. I also thoroughly document David Berg’s sexual grooming of his followers over several years through a series of publications that gradually removed almost all sexual boundaries and taboos. I have also summarized those sexual doctrines in an academic journal article, David Berg’s Perversion of Biblical Bridal Theology in the Children of God/The Family, published March 14, 2025 in the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) journal International Journal of Coercion, Abuse and Manipulation, Vol 8, 2025, which you can read here: i David Berg, “Revolutionary Sex”, March 27, 1973 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit perrybulwer344598.substack.com

    8 min
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In this series I imagine the soundtrack to a movie or TV show based on my memoir, Misguided: My Jesus Freak Life In A Doomsday Cult. https://perry-bulwer.blogspot.com/ perrybulwer344598.substack.com

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