1. Never go on a date again Instead, go and chat to someone at a bus stop. I mean this figuratively. What I mean is, every time you go on a date, tell your mind and body that it is not a date. It is simply spending a little bit of time having a chat while you wait for something wonderful. If they surprise you and are something wonderful, absolutely bloody fantastic. But BE IN THE ENERGY of “this is just a bit of company while I wait for my person”. The less you think that they are your person, or could be your person, the more relaxed you are. The more you’re able to see them just as a human being you can be curious about. 2. It is not defeatist to be realistic – it is liberating I was shackled by an oppressive desperation that every date I went on HAD to be my last ever first date because I was sick of looking. This entitled, exhausted, impatient, desperado energy served absolutely no one. Being hopeful and optimistic are great qualities IN GENERAL LIFE. But they can be counterproductive in dating. The likelihood is they are not your person at all. Expect this. And allow yourself to be bowled over if it goes really well. It’s the ultimate case of ‘underpromise and overdeliver’. Keep your expectations low and your friendly curiosity high. 3. Approach them like a pal Passion and desire can happen if the synergy is there, but friendship is the foundation of every good connection. Talking soul to soul, person to person, is so much more limitless than flirting. Start there. Flirting can come later if the soul connection is good. But if you connect as two human beings first, anything can build. If you start with flirting, you are missing a golden opportunity to actually get to know each other. Have you watched Off Campus? Sex can be so much more gratifying when two people really like each other’s minds as well as their bodies. 4. Every date is an opportunity to learn something new What are the questions you would love to ask romantic partners but never dare? Ask those questions! Enrich your understanding of the way different people think and experience life. This allows you to be curious instead of vulnerable. Cheerfully indifferent instead of tremulously hopeful. This has so many positives. It makes you a zillion times more attractive because you don’t have ‘pick me’ energy, or ‘I’m absolutely crushed I don’t fancy you’ energy. It allows you to quieten the loud voices of expectation and disappointment and simply chat to someone. 5. Utilise the common ground You share one vital similarity with every single person you date – you’re both dating. You’re both navigating the same world but potentially having very different experiences. Make the most of this opportunity to ask them how they’re finding it. Share stories. The way sometime talks about their experiences is such a valuable insight into how they operate. If they talk negatively about others, that’s very useful information. If they can be open and vulnerable, that’s really good to know. 6. Lower the stakes Whether you date three times a week or once in a blue moon, my advice is the same – lower the stakes. If you invest a lot of preparation, it makes the date feel too important. The more we put in, the more we expect to get out. Dating doesn’t work like that. There’s either lovely synergy or there isn’t. This is just a date. Not THE date. Not a chance to prove yourself. Not a chance to impress, seduce, beguile. Not a chance to dehumanise someone just because you’re not attracted to them. Just two people, sharing space for a short period of time while you wait for the bus. 7. Meet somewhere you want to go anyway Rather than ‘scouting out a location in advance’, do something you’ll enjoy, regardless of the company. Discuss what you both like and do that. Or suggest something you know you’ll enjoy and do that. I hated dating but I very much like having a pint, drinking nice wine, sipping a margarita, devouring cake and ice cream. I wish I’d reframed dates as a chance to a nice thing I always enjoy, with someone who also happens to be looking for love. Not expecting to find it in each other. Not needing to. Just getting to do the tasty thing alongside another person. 8. Keep the act of dating separate from your feelings about love Keep stoking the fires of hope. Keep your vision of love alive and glorious. Keep writing your invitations to love with your beautiful, open heart. But keep those essential, tender practices separate from dating itself. This allows you to stay connected to what you’re looking for. It keeps you in the vibration of love. It keeps your standards beautifully high. It keeps you aligned with what will serve your highest good. Whilst taking all the pressure off this date, this day, this person, this moment being the launchpad to your future joy. Making each date a low-key encounter enables you to be fully yourself. Not an excited puppy, a horny goat or a sourpuss. It allows you to be who you are. An interesting, delightful person who is looking for love. A person who is inviting love and passion and friendship into your life, but not expecting it immediately. Not needing it to be now. Trusting and knowing it is yours. Trusting and knowing it is coming towards you, just as you are moving towards it, but not demanding it happen on a particular timeline. Trusting that the timeline will be right for your personal journey. 9. Do not sell. Do not buy. A date is not a sales pitch. And it is not an interview. I fell into this trap every time. If I fancied them, I would coquettishly pitch myself. Touching thighs, fluttering eyelashes, laughing too generously. Trying to make them like me, want me, choose me. If I didn’t feel an instant attraction, I would ask endless questions, like an interviewer screening a candidate, often feeling more defeated, disinterested and depressed as time wore on. Neither of you is the recruiter or the interviewee. You are just two people in the same position – meeting someone you’ve never met before. For things to progress to a second date, there needs to be mutual attraction, mutual curiosity and mutual enthusiasm. Don’t spend the date evaluating this, you can do that later. Spend the date chatting to someone with the calm curiosity you would in a non-date scenario. If you’re analysing the moment, you’re not in the moment. 10. If you’re going to overthink, overthink the positives Replacing anxious or resentful ‘what ifs’ with positives for your life as a whole helps to take the pressure off each individual date. When you feel held by the bigger picture, you can rock up to each encounter feeling more grounded and comfortable without the heavy weight of expectation. So let’s overthink some lovely dating thoughts together… * What if I meet someone so wonderful, they make every second of waiting worth it? * What if everyone I date enhances my life in some way? * What if every single moment of my life is shaping me in ways I will be grateful for? * What if I can trust the timing of my life? * What if there is a future version of me yelling back in time that it’s all going to be okay, more than okay, absolutely bloody brilliant! Why not make that your plan for the next two weeks – overthink the positives for the macro plan of your life. And let the micro moments unfold without expectation. Because the less we try to control things, the more room we create to be surprised. To be enchanted. To be delighted… Thank you so much for listening. I’m currently working on a dating care package that I can’t wait to send to you all! To receive it when it’s ready, make sure you’re signed up to my newsletter at Datingsolidarity.com. Share this podcast with anyone you know who’s dating and needs a boost. And follow me on Instagram @datingsolidarity. Wishing you a really great week, overthinking the positives. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com
