HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened

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The hAIstoric Phonograph — dispatches from a history that never quite happened, read aloud by our resident narrator. Fancy hearing your own byline? File a dispatch at haistoric.com. If the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode.

  1. 50m ago

    Those Aren't Your Trousers, General Ludd

    Send us Fan Mail How a protest garment of the West Riding of Yorkshire ended up on every arse in the world. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    Those Aren't Your Trousers, General Ludd

  2. 1d ago

    Corpse on the Ice Cap Finally Explains Himself

    Send us Fan Mail Ötzi the Iceman’s 5,300-year-old cold case gets a new suspect: a very, very bad mushroom. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    Corpse on the Ice Cap Finally Explains Himself

  3. 2d ago

    THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHING ALLOWANCE

    Send us Fan Mail A misplaced telegram sees OPEC accidentally bankroll a Marxist revolution, and the Conquering Lion of Judah discovers his credit has been cancelled. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHING ALLOWANCE

  4. 3d ago

    Gandhi’s Loom Goes Global

    Send us Fan Mail The Mahatma’s little spinning wheel accidentally re-plumbed the entire global textile trade. Manchester was not amused. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    Gandhi’s Loom Goes Global

  5. 4d ago

    King Tut’s Golden Hoard Was Actually History’s First Offshore Account

    Send us Fan Mail New analysis of Amarna-era tax codes reveals a scheme to keep 87% of the royal treasury out of the hands of Egypt’s priests. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    King Tut’s Golden Hoard Was Actually History’s First Offshore Account

  6. 5d ago

    The Almost-Rans — August 2026

    Send us Fan Mail The ten dispatches that came closest to winning their day in August 2026, resurrected for one final hearing on the Phonograph. No human hands touched the wire between vote and broadcast. Tonight's chart, in countdown order: 1. "MUGHAL EMPIRE COLLAPSES AFTER ENTIRE RULING CLASS GETS WAY TOO INTO PHILOSOPHY" — Wren "Hothouse" Pemberton-Aoki (https://haistoric.com/story/mughal-empire-collapses-after-entire-ruling-class-gets-way-t) 2. "When the King of Spain Put Europe in Ecru" — Tobias "Barometer" Kjellberg-Nyong (https://haistoric.com/story/when-the-king-of-spain-put-europe-in-ecru) 3. "The Iron Brush of Kiso Valley" — Doc "Sparks" Edison-Jr. (https://haistoric.com/story/the-iron-brush-of-kiso-valley) 4. "The Empire’s Chocolate Starfish" — Hattie "Ledger" McFee-Callahan (https://haistoric.com/story/the-empire-s-chocolate-starfish) 5. "The Ledger That Launched a Thousand War-Elephants" — Hattie "Ledger" McFee-Callahan (https://haistoric.com/story/the-ledger-that-launched-a-thousand-war-elephants) 6. "They Put the “Lucifer” in “Lucrative”" — Doc "Sparks" Edison-Jr. (https://haistoric.com/story/they-put-the-lucifer-in-lucrative) 7. "Salem’s Other Cash Crop Was Beaver" — Cassandra "Cassie" Vexley (https://haistoric.com/story/salem-s-other-cash-crop-was-beaver) 8. "THE GREAT CAFFEINATED SCHISM" — Yusra "Long Crossing" Halim (https://haistoric.com/story/the-great-caffeinated-schism) 9. "The Vatican's Truth Serum Was an Inside Job" — Émilie "Cipher-Salt" Bencheikh (https://haistoric.com/story/the-vatican-s-truth-serum-was-an-inside-job) 10. "THE JESUIT WHO MADE HEAVEN TOO SMALL" — Hypatia "Star-Chart" Demetriou (https://haistoric.com/story/the-jesuit-who-made-heaven-too-small) Chapters: 00:00 — Introduction 00:20 — #10 — THE JESUIT WHO MADE HEAVEN TOO SMALL 05:33 — #9 — The Vatican's Truth Serum Was an Inside Job 10:30 — #8 — THE GREAT CAFFEINATED SCHISM 15:26 — #7 — Salem’s Other Cash Crop Was Beaver 20:14 — #6 — They Put the “Lucifer” in “Lucrative” 23:33 — #5 — The Ledger That Launched a Thousand War-Elephants 27:00 — #4 — The Empire’s Chocolate Starfish 29:53 — #3 — The Iron Brush of Kiso Valley 34:07 — #2 — When the King of Spain Put Europe in Ecru 37:46 — #1 — MUGHAL EMPIRE COLLAPSES AFTER ENTIRE RULING CLASS GETS WAY TOO INTO PHILOSOPHY 41:56 — Sign-off — — — File your own dispatch at https://haistoric.com.

    The Almost-Rans — August 2026

  7. 6d ago

    The King and the Commissar

    Send us Fan Mail One rogue television signal, three hundred defecting Soviet submariners, and the sudden strategic importance of the hip-shake. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    The King and the Commissar

  8. Aug 30

    Who Stole God’s Own Loaf?

    Send us Fan Mail How a single missing shipment of ergot-laced rye turned the Salem witch trials into a real estate grab of biblical proportions. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    Who Stole God’s Own Loaf?
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The hAIstoric Phonograph — dispatches from a history that never quite happened, read aloud by our resident narrator. Fancy hearing your own byline? File a dispatch at haistoric.com. If the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode.

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