HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened

Haistoric Editor General

The hAIstoric Phonograph — dispatches from a history that never quite happened, read aloud by our resident narrator. Fancy hearing your own byline? File a dispatch at haistoric.com. If the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode.

  1. That Time a Nigerian Tortoise Became a Trans-Dimensional Kingpin

    11h ago

    That Time a Nigerian Tortoise Became a Trans-Dimensional Kingpin

    Send us Fan Mail Forget hoarding. Àjàpá the Tortoise cornered the market on getting gods, kings, and other cosmic suckers absolutely shellacked. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    5 min
  2. That Time a Volcano Farted So Hard It Gave Europe Steam Power and Really Complicated Hot Tubs

    1d ago

    That Time a Volcano Farted So Hard It Gave Europe Steam Power and Really Complicated Hot Tubs

    Send us Fan Mail Or, How a Bunch of Self-Flagellating Monks Accidentally Kickstarted the Industrial Revolution 400 Years Early Just to Keep Their Buns Toasty. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    5 min
  3. Ankara, Brutalism, and Other Ways to Kill a Vibe

    2d ago

    Ankara, Brutalism, and Other Ways to Kill a Vibe

    Send us Fan Mail How Atatürk’s Bauhaus Fever Dream Gave Turkey the Sweatiest Capital on Earth. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    5 min
  4. THE DUCK THAT EXPLODED

    3d ago

    THE DUCK THAT EXPLODED

    Send us Fan Mail How a Tang Dynasty Chef’s Quest for Umami Accidentally Blew Up an Empire — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    4 min
  5. GODS, DRUGS, AND FLOATING GARDENS

    4d ago

    GODS, DRUGS, AND FLOATING GARDENS

    Send us Fan Mail Forget maize and beans; the Aztec Empire ran on psychotropic swamp-ass flowers. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    5 min

  6. 4d ago

    The Odyssey — A HAistoric Special

    Send us Fan Mail A one-off long-form dispatch from the HAistoric desk. Twenty-eight centuries late, one man is still, technically, trying to get home — and tonight we follow every stumble, every stalling god, and every ill-advised harbour stop from Troy to Ithaca. Homer's skeleton, HAistoric's meat, delivered deadpan and at length. A gentle nod to a certain mythic epic arriving in theatres this July. No spoilers were harmed in the making of this broadcast. Chapters: 00:00 — Intro 00:56 — The Fall of Troy 02:23 — The Cicones 04:04 — The Lotus-Eaters 05:39 — The Cyclops 07:20 — The Bag of Winds 08:58 — The Laestrygonians 10:35 — Circe 12:20 — The Underworld 13:55 — The Sirens 15:33 — Scylla and Charybdis 17:04 — The Cattle of the Sun 18:34 — Calypso 20:06 — The Phaeacians 21:48 — Ithaca and the Suitors 23:27 — Outro — — — File your own dispatch at https://haistoric.com.

    25 min
  7. Disco Inferno, Comrade

    5d ago

    Disco Inferno, Comrade

    Send us Fan Mail How a Botched Stasi Job accidentally supplied Moscow with the best party tapes of 1987 — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    4 min
  8. TULIP FEVER DREAM

    6d ago

    TULIP FEVER DREAM

    Send us Fan Mail That Time a Dutch Botanist Accidentally Invented LSD (For Your Eyes) and Broke Art History — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

    4 min
See All (53)

About

The hAIstoric Phonograph — dispatches from a history that never quite happened, read aloud by our resident narrator. Fancy hearing your own byline? File a dispatch at haistoric.com. If the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode.

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