Mike Church's Podcasts

Mike Church

5.0 (2)
Comedy

12/09/2011

Mikiatures 7 - Start Me Up

Start Me Up Mick pressed the dreaded button and braced himself. What delights would his beloved PC hold in store for him today? A prompt to install Service Pack 21? An invitation to upgrade to Media Player 49? A reminder that his yearly anti-virus subscription would expire in 11 months’ time? He knew the routine well by now for, regardless of program, the procedure was always the same: Install? OK – Leave for later. Leave for later. Leave for later? Yes – No. Yes. Yes, install or Yes, leave for later? Accept – Cancel. Cancel. Proceed with installation? OK – Leave for later. Ctrl-Alt-Del. Ctrl-Alt-Del? You heard me! I want to speak to the Manager! That usually fixed it, and Mick was now ready to do battle with “The Beast”. Whilst no two mornings were ever the same – perish the thought that he should be in control of his life – today’s inbox was fairly representative of his daily challenges. Namely: ten mails asking after a critical report; seven messages to ring Mr. Jones urgently; four requests to hold a team meeting immediately; and one silly story about a man who hated computers. The reports, calls and meetings could wait. This one was vital.

2 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 50 - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction Our guarantee to you: Here at Mikiatures.com we strive – or struggle, rather – to make your experience an enjoyable one; or, at the very least, a tolerable one. Each and every Mikiature is initially assessed according to five key criteria: readability, suitability, recordability, fillability and, last but not least, mickability. If successful (i.e. if it meets at least one of the aforementioned criteria), the Mikiature undergoes further exhaustive quality control checks (Tools . . . Count words . . . Save) before making it through to the final production phase (Record . . . Whatever . . . OK). That said, we want you to enjoy this Mikiature in perfect condition. Therefore, if you are not entirely satisfied with it in any way, simply return it to us, stating when and why you were reading and/or listening to it in the first place, and what in heaven’s name you were expecting for such a ridiculously low price. We shall have no choice but to send you a replacement Mikiature free of charge. If you’re not happy with that one, either, you know what you can do with it. Please note that this does not affect your statutory rights (whatever that means).

1 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 49 - Life On Mars

Life On Mars ‘OK, let’s warm up with some simple questions. What's your favourite month, Jon?’ ‘My favourite month?’ ‘Yes, your favourite month.’ ‘Owgost. Is easy!’ ‘Owgost?’ ‘Yes, Owgost.’ ‘When's Owgost, Jon?’ ‘When is Owgost?’ ‘Yes. When's Owgost?’ ‘After Julie.’ ‘Julie?’ ‘Yes, Julie.’ ‘And when's Julie?’ ‘When is Julie?’ ‘Yes. When's Julie?’ ‘You no know?’ ‘No, I no know. Er, don't know, sorry.’ ‘After Junie.’ ‘Junie?’ ‘Yes, Junie. After May, no?’ ‘OK, thanks, Jon. Er, all right, can everyone repeat after me—’ ‘AFTER ME.’ ‘Ha ha ha. Now listen carefully . . . JUNE. JUNE. Everyone?’ ‘JUNE.’ ‘Good. And after June comes JuLY. JuLY. Everybody?’ ‘JuLY.’ ‘Good. And then the best month of the lot: AUgust. "OR"gust. Everyone?’ ‘AUgust.’ ‘Excellent! June, JuLY, AUgust. Together, please.’ ‘JUNE, JuLY, AUgust.’ ‘That's better! Now then, let’s see, er . . . So, Jon, what's your favourite month?’ ‘Owgost. I say you! Why you no listen me?’ ‘AUgust, Jon. AUgust.’ ‘Yes. OWgost.’ ‘Look, never mind, Jon. Er, how about you, Janet?’ ‘How about?’ ‘What's your favourite month?’ ‘Mars.’ ‘Mars?’ ‘Yes, Mars.’ ‘That's a planet, Janet.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Mars is a planet, Janet. Between the Earth and Jupiter. You can’t miss it.’ ‘Estúpida?! Estupid you!’ . . .

2 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 48 - Food For Thought

Food For Thought ‘Bread, butter, cheese . . .’ It was a depressing list. ‘Buns, biscuits, cakes . . .’ Then again, all of Mick’s lists were depressing these days. ‘Beer, brandy, chocolate . . .’ Why did all the good things in life begin with B or C? And, more to the point, why were all the “good things in life” bad for the body, a burden to burn off and crammed with cholesterol-enhancing calories? ‘Burgers, bacon, chorizo . . .’ Summer was approaching fast, and the daily beach inspections were just around the corner. It was time to bring out his trusted “no BBC for me” diet. ‘Brownies, bagels, cream teas . . .’ Mick was struggling now. He’d never had a bagel in his life and, let’s face it, “cream teas” was a bit of a cop-out, wasn’t it? He’d be resorting to brand names next. ‘Baileys, Ballantine’s, Cointreau . . .’ Thankfully for both Mick and the Spanish wine industry, Rioja began with an R. ‘Bacardi, Beefeater, coffee . . .’ Coffee?! No way! Besides, all the klever dicks spelt koffee with a K, didn’t they? If you kan’t beat them, join them! kontemplated Mick, sipping his ice-kold koffee.

1 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 47 - Taxman

Taxman ‘Hello?’ ‘Hello. Could I speak to your mother or father, please?’ ‘Did you want my mother or my father?’ ‘Either, please.’ ‘Well, they live in England. And they don’t speak Spanish. How good is your English?’ ‘Oh, er, I think—’ ‘Who did you want to talk to?’ ‘Er, Mr. Michael Crunch?’ ‘Yes, that’s me.’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ ‘That’s alright. Lots of people say I don’t sound my age. I’m twenty-one, by the way. Anyway, what can I do you for?’ ‘Well, I'm ringing from S****y Bank, and we notice that your tax return was unfavourable this year. Does this worry you at all?’ ‘Not in the slightest.’ ‘Oh.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘I said, “Oh”. You're supposed to say, “Yes”. I don't have a script for “No”.’ ‘Well, that wasn’t very bright of your boss, was it?’ ‘No, I suppose not.’ ‘Would you like me to help you?’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Would you like me to help you with your script?’ ‘Well, have you got the time?’ ‘Yes, it’s half past one.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Ignore me. OK, then, er, . . . Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?’ ‘Amanda.’ ‘That’s a lovely name. OK, then, Amanda, let’s suppose your victim says, “No” . . .’

1 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 46 - You've Got A Friend

You’ve Got A Friend ‘It says here, “Brian and Sue are now friends”.’ ‘Did they have a bust-up?’ ‘Not to my knowledge.’ ‘So, what’s it to you?’ ‘Nothing. It’s just they’re not friends. They’re brother and sister.’ ‘Makes sense. Brothers and sisters are like that, you know.’ ‘I suppose you’re right.’ ‘Of course I’m right. Anyway, don’t you think you’re taking this Facebook lark a bit too seriously?’ ‘You bet I am! Do you remember that interview I went for the other day?’ ‘No.’ ‘Do you know the first question the bastards asked me?’ ‘ “Did you have a pleasant journey, Mr. Church?” ’ ‘ “How many Facebook friends have you got, Michael?” ’ ‘Ha! Michael! Nice one. And what did you tell ’em?’ ‘The truth, of course.’ ‘You wally.’ ‘I said I’d sooner be seen dead than waste my life clicking on a sodding “Like” button on a social network designed for and by morons.’ ‘You tell ’em, Michael. Did you get the job?’ ‘What do you think? Anyway, if you can’t beat them, join them, I guess.’ ‘Exactly. So, what are you doing now?’ ‘Sending out friend requests.’ ‘That’s pathetic, Mick.’ ‘I know.’ ‘Send me one while you’re at it, will ya?’

1 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 45 - Beaches Of Cheyenne

Beaches Of Cheyenne ‘There was this bloke, right? And he–’ ‘You can't start stories like that, Mummy.’ ‘Why not, dear?’ ‘All stories begin, "Once upon a time".’ ‘Bollocks they do.’ ‘What's "bollocks", Mummy?’ ‘Sorry, dear, I was talking to myself.’ ‘Do you often talk to yourself, Mummy?’ ‘All the time.’ ‘Daddy's stories are crap.’ ‘That's not a nice word, dear.’ ‘Daddy said people crap all the time.’ ‘Never mind what Daddy said.’ ‘Has Daddy got bollocks, Mummy?’ ‘Yes, dear, but I don't like you using that word.’ ‘What about the bloke, Mummy?’ ‘Yes, he had them, too.’ ‘I meant, What happened to him?’ ‘Oh, I see. Well, one day he was walking–’ ‘Through the wood?’ ‘Don't interrupt, dear.’ ‘Sorry, Mummy, it's just all of your stories are about people walking through woods.’ ‘Oh really? Well, this bloke was walking along the beach.’ ‘The beach?’ ‘It's the part between the sea and the land.’ ‘I know what a beach is, Mummy. Did you know beaches can have children?’ ‘Don’t be silly, dear.’ ‘That's what Daddy told me, anyway.’ ‘You shouldn't believe everything your father tells you.’ ‘Because he's a great big son of a beach?’ ‘Something like that, dear. Goodnight.’ ‘Goodnight, Mummy.’

1 min
12/08/2011

Mikiatures 44 - Da, Da, Da

Da, Da, Da Driving disastrously down Drizzly Descent during Denmark’s depression, Dreamy Dave deemed “dem d-words” decidedly demoralising: dum d-words -> damn, dank, dark, dearth, death, debt, den, die, dim, dirt, don’t, doom, dope, doubt, down, drab, dread, dregs, drink, drone, droop, drop, drown, drugs, dull, dumb, dump, Dan, Darth, Dick! dum-da d-words -> damage, danger, darkness, daunting, D-Day, deadline, deadly, deathbed, deathtrap, deathly, debris, defect, demon, despot, devil, d******d, dingy, dipstick, dire, dirty, dismal, dodgy, dogshit, doomsday, dopey, downside, downturn, dozy, dragon, drama, drawback, dreaded, dreary, drowsy, dungeon, Duncan, Dalek, Davros! dum-da-da d-words -> dangerous, dastardly, defecate, demonise, denigrate, desperate, destitute, detriment, devilish, difficult, dogsbody, Dracula, Damien! da-dum d-words -> debase, default, degrade, demean, deny, depressed, deride, descend, despair, despise, detract, distress, divorce, defeat, Denise! da-dum-da d-words -> damnation, defective, deficient, degrading, demeaning, demonic, demotion, denial, depressing, derision, despondent, dilemma, disaster, discouraged, dismissal, disparage, disturbing, dramatic, Delilah, Drusilla! da-dum-da-da d-words -> degenerate, demoralise, demotivate, discouraging, disparaging, draconian, Dickensian, Demetrius! da-da-dum-da d-words -> desperation, destitution, diabolic, disadvantage, disappointment, disillusion, Desdemona! D-word detractors despised Dave’s diabolically drafted “Daft Dimerick”: Dave’s Daft Dimerick Drusilla’s Dad’s definitely deadly Delilah’s deeds detonate debris “Damnation! Despair!” Dark demons declare “Dis dimerick’s downrightly deathly!” Dear, doh dear, doh dear!

3 min

5

out of 5

2 Ratings

Creator

Mike Church
Episodes

49
Rating

Explicit
Show Website

Mike Church's Podcasts