The Dismantling of the Religious Self Four Lenten Reflections on Delusion, Abandonment, and the Life That Remains in God “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24 Second Reflection The Violence We Call Righteousness On the Ego That Survives Inside Virtue “They being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and seeking to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” Romans 10:3 When the man sees that fulfillment cannot be found in religious life itself, he turns toward righteousness. He disciplines himself. He purifies his conduct. He restrains his passions. He orders his thoughts. He seeks purity. Outwardly, transformation occurs. Inwardly, something remains untouched. The ego survives. It survives inside virtue. St. John Climacus writes that vainglory completes every virtue the man performs. It attaches itself to fasting. It attaches itself to prayer. It attaches itself to obedience.
It whispers: This is yours. Virtue becomes possession. The man begins to live from righteousness. He experiences himself as stable because he is righteous. He trusts his righteousness. This trust separates him from God. Because union with God requires the loss of trust in oneself as source of life. The Pharisee stands before God and speaks truth. He fasts. He obeys. He lives faithfully. And remains separate. Because he still exists as the center of his own existence. The tax collector possesses nothing. He cannot lift his eyes. He does not trust himself. Christ says he goes home justified. Because justification belongs to the man who has nothing left to preserve. St. Isaac says that until the soul despairs of itself, it cannot rest in God. Not emotional despair. Ontological despair. The knowledge that one does not possess life. Righteousness that preserves the ego prevents union. Because union requires death. Not moral improvement. Death. The man must lose the self that lives apart from God. Virtue cannot substitute for this death. Virtue can conceal it. The ego can survive indefinitely inside righteousness. And remain alone. ⸻ This is the most dangerous stage of the spiritual life. Because sin is obvious. But righteousness can conceal separation. The sinful man knows he is sick. The righteous man believes he is alive. Christ said to the church of Laodicea, “You say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not knowing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.” Revelation 3:17 This is not addressed to pagans. This is addressed to believers. To those who have acquired religious identity. To those who possess righteousness and draw life from it. They do not feel their need. They do not cry out. They do not seek life because they believe they possess it. This is why Christ says, “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” Luke 5:32 Not because the righteous do not need Him. But because those who believe themselves righteous cannot receive Him. They are full. And God only fills the empty. St. Sophrony writes that the greatest tragedy is when man begins to live from himself rather than from God. Even if this life is clothed in virtue, it remains separation. It remains death. Virtue can purify behavior without destroying autonomy. It can cleanse the exterior while leaving the center untouched. Christ speaks with terrifying clarity about this. “You clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self indulgence.” Matthew 23:25 The outside can be purified. The inside can remain intact. The ego does not resist virtue. It feeds on virtue. It incorporates virtue into itself. It expands through virtue. It becomes righteous. And this righteousness becomes its shield against God. Because God does not come to improve the ego. He comes to crucify it. St. Paul says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.” Galatians 2:20 This is not metaphor. This is the destruction of the autonomous center of existence. As long as the man lives from himself, even virtuously, he remains separate. Because life belongs only to God. St. Silouan the Athonite saw this with terrible clarity. He had labored greatly. He had prayed. He had struggled. He had purified himself. And yet the Lord allowed him to descend into hell. Not because he was sinful. But because righteousness had not yet been shattered. And Christ said to him, “Keep thy mind in hell, and despair not.” Not because hell was his destination. But because only in the destruction of self trust could union be born. As long as the man stands on his own righteousness, he stands alone. Only when this ground collapses does he begin to stand in God. Archimandrite Zacharias writes that God allows even the virtuous man to see his utter poverty so that he may cease drawing life from himself. This is the blessed despair that gives birth to true life. This despair is not psychological collapse. It is ontological revelation. The revelation that without God, one does not exist. Christ says, “Apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 Not less. Nothing. Not even righteousness. When this is seen, virtue loses its power as identity. It remains. But it no longer belongs to the man. It becomes the life of Christ within him. Before this death, virtue belongs to the ego. After this death, virtue belongs to God. This is why the saints do not trust their righteousness. They fear it. They flee from it. Abba Poemen said, “A man may appear to be silent while his heart condemns others. Such a man is talking constantly.” Outward virtue. Inward autonomy. Separation remains. Another elder said that even if a man raises the dead but trusts himself, he has lost everything. Because union is not achieved by virtue. It is achieved by death. This is why the saints see themselves as sinners even when they are purified. Not because they deny reality. But because they do not live from themselves. They live from God. St. Isaac writes that the man who has truly seen himself is greater than the man who raises the dead. Because he has seen the truth. He has seen that he does not possess life. He has seen that all righteousness belongs to God. This vision destroys the ego at its root. And only when the ego dies can God become life. Until then, righteousness remains violence. Violence against truth. Violence against union. Violence against love. Because it preserves the illusion of existence apart from God. The elder Sophrony says that as long as man attributes righteousness to himself, he remains enclosed within the prison of his own being. He cannot escape. He cannot breathe. He cannot live. Only when righteousness is lost as possession does it become life. Only when the man ceases to exist as source does God become his existence. This is why Christ says, “Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25 Not improves it. Finds it. Because it did not belong to him before. This is the second dismantling. Not the destruction of sinful identity. The destruction of righteous identity. Not the loss of vice. The loss of ownership of virtue. The loss of oneself as the one who lives. Until this death occurs, the ego survives. It survives inside prayer. It survives inside obedience. It survives inside humility itself. It survives inside righteousness. And remains forever alone. --- Text of chat during the group: 01:28:35 Danny Moulton (Lakeside, Ohio): I’m wondering how fear and ego interplay in producing unhealthy religiosity. It seems to me ego and fear are two sides of the same coin. Ego is fed when we think we are righteous and doing religion right, but fear calls the shots when we think we are unrighteous and doing religion wrong. It seems both can lead to obsession with something other than Divine love. The Apostle John says that perfect love drives out fear. I believe this is absolutely true, but fear sure can put up a good fight at times. 01:32:27 Fr Martin, Arizona: What do you think of this? Shortly after arriving at my first parish, I told my spiritual father about all the things I would change. He said, “Check with God. He didn’t give you the football and tell you to run with it. What if God send you there to fail?” 01:33:46 Jaden Abrams: Father, bless! I was really impacted by these last two talks, thank you very much. What change can I make today to die to myself and stop sitting next to the vine. 01:35:31 Kate: When you speak about the death of the ego, is it more like a process of dying rather than something that is accomplished once and for all? And I find my self asking how, how does the ego die? Is it a simultaneous process of the dying of the ego and the soul growing in union with Christ? 01:40:29 Una: I was a complulsive A-getter in college, too. Thank you for sharing. 01:41:05 Angela Bellamy: Reacted to "Father, bless! I was..." with ❤️ 01:42:47 Shannon: It feels must bleed out our ego and diappear into the darkness in order for God to turn light. Not knowing where the next step, but trusting in God. We disappear into prayer/ looking through window with lamps lite hearts 01:44:16 Fr Martin, Arizona: Today’s retreat convicted me. I’m not sure where to begin poking at my sense of self-identity and autonomy. My anxiety reveals to me that I harbor some delusions about myself. I used to visit a Romanian monk who was imprisoned and tortured by communists. Surprisingly, he never complained about that. Rather he said to me once, “Before I was imprisoned, I knew God in my books. After I was alone in prison, I found God in my heart.” 01:45:02 Jaden Abrams: How do I go about finding a spiritual Father? Am I supposed to choose, discern, let him "come to me", comb
