Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton

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Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

-6 dias

247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication

Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it. This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that (supposedly!) give us shared baseline understandings of what is normal and reasonable to expect in relationships. Except… often we haven’t actually left them behind. And constantly questioning whether or not these unspoken assumptions and cognitive shortcuts are running in the background of your communication can be exhausting. So if you’re finding communication in non-monogamy to be tiring and difficult for reasons you can’t easily identify, this one is for you. In this episode, we talk about: — Why many people who consider themselves "great communicators" struggle when they start doing non-monogamy — The invisible ways we rely on cultural scripts and shortcuts to make communication easier — How the brain conserves energy through defaults, and what happens when we step outside those defaults — The difference between implicit and explicit communication styles, and why mismatches can cause real pain — Why one partner might find all the processing nourishing while the other finds it exhausting — The myth that relationships should be "just fun" and why that can lead to avoiding necessary communication — How to reframe difficult conversations as part of the relationship rather than obstacles to it — Building capacity for hard conversations over time (it's like going to the gym!) — The power of using structured tools like Imago Dialogue and the apology and accountability ladder — Why preparing for conversations isn't unromantic—it's actually deeply caring — The role of regular check-ins in creating space for thoughtful, prepared communication — How new partners and metamours shift the entire relational field, even when you're not directly relating to them — Learning to tolerate that you won't know everything happening in your relational network — Growing your capacity to trust your partners' autonomy and their other relationships — Why transparency and privacy needs often conflict, and how to navigate that tension — The reality that we can't fully leave the monogamous script when it's embedded in everything around us Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Repair Skills Playlist — Episode 245: Check-Ins That Actually Work — Episode 243: Making Decisions Together JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

42 min
30/05

246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now?

The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom? Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some of the most profound growth happens. In this episode, we talk about: — Why "too fast" is really about thresholds, not speed — How foiled expectations drive so much of our dysregulation in the opening process — The difference between pacing that allows for skill-building versus holding so still that you never actually learn anything — Why differentiation work matters just as much (if not more) than the logistics of who you're dating — The power of imaginal work — How to recognize when you're objectifying potential partners (couples privilege on steroids) and why that's a sign that you might not be ready yet — The reality that monogamy skills don't all transfer to non-monogamy, but non-monogamy skills work everywhere — Why learning resilience and repair skills is more important than getting everything "right" the first time — The profound relief that comes from increased self-knowledge, even when relationships end — How educational community and mentorship can provide the support that makes all the difference Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials Playlist — Our Nervous System Playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

53 min
23/05

245 Check-Ins That Actually Work

Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-ins when there’s a problem, you might be training your body to dread a foundational part of healthy intimacy. That's exactly why we need to talk about this unglamorous but absolutely essential topic. In this episode, we talk about: — Why relationship check-ins are more than just meetings — The difference between relationship hygiene and crisis management — How to customize check-ins for your specific relationship phase, structure, and needs — The problem of relationship administration falling to one perso n, and how to share that labor more equitably — Why daily stand-ups worked for us during chaotic parenting years but monthly deep dives work better now — The different types of check-ins and their use cases — The critical importance of context and container — Why 2,700 texts don't replace an actual connective meeting — How to use check-ins as a way to feel pursued and seen, not just to solve problems — The power of parking lot items and knowing there's always another check-in coming — Practical tips to make check-ins smoother, easier, and more effective — The meta-conversation: checking in about how you check in — Why you need both scheduled check-ins and the flexibility for ad-hoc meetings when something's on fire Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Multiamory Podcast's RADAR format for relationship check-ins — Episode 224: Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

41 min
16/05

244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic

You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival. We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these feelings can keep you stuck in a cycle of promising things to yourself and others that you can’t deliver. So what can you actually do about it? This isn’t just about ‘getting over it.’ We’re not dealing with states that we can reason our way through. That’s why we made this episode – we’re exploring why attachment panic happens, how it shows up, and what you can do to build your capacity, without white-knuckling your way through or abandoning your values entirely. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you can’t just think your way through attachment panic — The specific conditions that trigger attachment panic — How the fear of betrayal or abandonment can activate infantile survival strategies — The cycle of promising things you can't deliver, and how that creates shame spirals — How attachment panic shows up differently in different relationships — The difference between discomfort and panic, and why that distinction matters — Why transparency doesn't equal control, and how the illusion of control feeds panic — How to make smaller, more realistic agreements that match your actual nervous system capacity — The importance of the stories we tell ourselves — Why some people experience attachment panic around their partner dating but not around their own dating — How to reparent yourself through panic — Why relationships don't have to be comfortable to be meaningful — Practical strategies for building capacity — How earned secure attachment is built brick by brick through intentional practice — Why different relationships serve different purposes in our growth Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 114: Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready? — Episode 170: Jealousy & Attachment Panic — Episode 198: Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system? JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

52 min
9/05

243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships

Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together. When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making framework itself. We assume everyone makes decisions "the normal way" (spoiler: there is no normal way), and this oversight can create serious friction, especially when you're navigating non-monogamy, co-parenting, or any relationship structure that involves multiple people with overlapping needs. That’s why these proactive conversations are so important. In this episode, we talk about: — The three decision-making modes and how to identify which one you're actually using — Why permission-based decision-making can accidentally parentify your partner (and how that undermines your own autonomy) — How notification-only approaches can leave you feeling heartless, even when your partner doesn't mind — The hidden ways we seek permission without consciously realizing it, and how that places unfair responsibility on others — Why veto and permission are essentially the same thing (just with different packaging) — How consultation can get stuck when one person withholds consensus as a control mechanism — The importance of understanding whether you're aiming for consensus or just input when you consult — Why different life domains (parenting, business, household management, romantic relationships) may require different decision-making strategies — How couples privilege and power imbalances show up in decision-making expectations — The critical difference between autonomy and individualism—and why self-sacrifice can actually be an individuated choice — Why we need to have meta-conversations about decision-making before we're under stress or facing deadlines — How childhood experiences and trauma histories shape our default decision-making patterns — The grief and loss that can result from making major life decisions (like buying a house together) without intentional conversation — Practical ways to slow down and create space for these conversations, even when life feels like it's moving too fast — Why differentiation and self-knowledge are essential before you can truly collaborate with others Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101 JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

44 min
2/05

242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy

Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on? This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next: How do we actually repair? And here's the thing—repair isn't about returning to some wholesome "before time." It's about transformation. It's about building something entirely new while sitting with the reality that you can never unknow what happened. If you've experienced betrayal in your non-monogamous relationship (or caused it), if you're wondering whether repair is even possible, or if you're struggling with the question "do I even get to have expectations?"—this episode is essential listening. We draw on our own experiences of navigating profound harm and the years-long repair process that followed. In this episode, we talk about: — Why betrayal recovery requires entering a liminal space with no guaranteed timeline or outcome — The difference between repair and just "toughening up" until you don't feel anything anymore — How to reclaim agency when betrayal has left you questioning your reality and your relationship — The interior work required for the person who caused harm (spoiler: it's not just about apologizing) — Why the person who was betrayed gets to define their experience, and what that means for repair — The critical importance of not rushing through the pain—for both the betrayed and the betrayer — How to identify which "part" of you took actions that caused harm, and why that matters — The practice of listening without defending when your partner describes how you've hurt them — Why suppressing betrayal (the "beach ball effect") will cause it to pop up sideways in other areas of your relationship — The role of grief in betrayal—not just sadness, but rage, shame, and the loss of who you thought your partner was — How agreements are "expectations made visible" and why shared meaning matters more than shared values — Why betrayal repair often requires changing activities and expectations during the recovery period — The difference between forgiveness-seeking and negotiation, and how desire smuggling strips away agency — How repair becomes a load-bearing beam in your relationship rather than a fracturing force Resources mentioned in this episode: — 241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year of Opening® Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

1 h 15 min
7/03

241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert

Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality. Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation about her powerful new book, Nonmonogamy and Betrayal. We're talking situationships that masquerade as real relationships, people who act like they're building attachment-based connections while secretly keeping one foot out the door, and the ways non-monogamy's flexibility can actually get weaponized against us. If you've ever felt like you were in one relationship while your partner thought you were in something completely different, or if you're struggling to name what went wrong when someone hurt you (but technically didn't break an explicit agreement), this episode is essential listening. We draw on personal experiences of both experiencing and causing betrayal, and we get real about the repair work that has to happen. In this episode, we talk about: — How betrayal is more than just breaking agreements—it's a violation of trust that removes your agency and ability to consent to the reality you're actually living — The difference between betrayals within a relationship (like broken agreements) and betrayals about the relationship (where you discover the whole thing wasn't what you thought it was) — Eve's concept of "bees in the closet"—when your partner makes major changes without your input and then acts like you should have explicitly negotiated against something no reasonable person would expect — Situationships and Schrödinger's relationships: how refusing to define what you're doing creates plausible deniability and sets the stage for betrayal — Why casual relationships actually require more communication and clearer agreements than "serious" ones — The secretly monogamous partner who uses non-monogamy language but is really just waiting for you to become their life partner — How betrayal destroys self-trust, not just trust in your partner, and why repairing with yourself has to come before repairing the relationship — Poly under duress as a potential betrayal that can go both ways, and how self-betrayal happens when you say yes but mean no — Why the flexibility of non-monogamy can get weaponized — The reality that repair isn't always possible (and why that might be the case) — Practical approaches to rebuilding trust after betrayal Resources mentioned in this episode: — Eve Rickert's book Nonmonogamy and Betrayal (available at Thornapple Press and wherever you buy books) — The second edition of *More Than Two* by Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin — Eve's blog post "Bees in the Closet" — Visit thornapplepress.ca for all of Eve's books and more! — Episode 212: Repair Skills — Repair Skills YouTube playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

53 min
28/02

[Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings. We’re breaking down: — What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy — Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring — The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict — How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine — Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase — Creative practices for working with opposing forces — How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts — The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension — Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comes Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13 — Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the Psyche JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

42 min

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Autoria

Joli Hamilton
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2020 - 2026
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251
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Explícito
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© Joli Hamilton
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Playing With Fire

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