It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

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Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else. They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life! Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way? In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid. And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

  1. Hostile Neighbor Conflict: How to Handle Community Harassment and Stay Safe

    2 DAYS AGO

    Hostile Neighbor Conflict: How to Handle Community Harassment and Stay Safe

    Navigating Hostile Neighbor Situations: Understanding and Managing Community Conflict Responding to a listener question, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter address a challenging situation many face: dealing with hostile neighbors. This episode explores strategies for maintaining composure while protecting yourself and your family when faced with neighborhood tensions, providing practical insights for those experiencing community conflict. Understanding Neighborhood Conflict Dynamics The hosts analyze how neighborhood disputes can escalate from initial interactions into ongoing patterns of hostile behavior. They examine how children can be affected by and involved in neighborhood tensions, offering guidance for parents navigating these complex dynamics. Questions Answered in This Episode How can you balance standing up for yourself while keeping situations calm?When and how should you involve law enforcement?What legal options exist for addressing neighbor conflicts?How can parents protect children from neighborhood hostility?Key Takeaways Consider investigating neighborhood dynamics before purchasing propertyDocument problematic behaviors through appropriate channelsFocus on teaching children effective conflict management skillsRemember that disengagement can sometimes be the safest strategyThis episode offers valuable strategies for anyone experiencing neighborhood tensions, emphasizing the importance of making informed decisions that prioritize safety and well-being while maintaining appropriate boundaries. The hosts' practical approach helps listeners understand when to engage, when to seek help, and when to consider other options. Additional Resources Book us for Training or Keynote Expert Publications Book: It’s All Your Fault!Book: Our New World of Adult BulliesPersonal Transformation Conflict Influencer® 6-week class (Zoom) for everyoneNew Ways for Families® Co-parenting Without Court Online Class (with optional coaching)1:1 Coaching & Consultation (For Your Legal Case w/ Bill Eddy; For Other Situations w/ Megan Hunter)Professional Development Bill Eddy's Signature New Ways Training (for mediators; for counselors and divorce coaches; for workplace coaches; for workplace leaders)Connect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteWatch this episode on YouTube! Important Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:38) - Listener Question: Civility and Bullying (02:58) - Keeping Things Calm in the Face of Hostility (07:00) - Dogs and Kids (10:45) - Involving Law Enforcement (14:55) - Vindictiveness (22:53) - Raising The Child (25:52) - The Four Big Skills (27:46) - Traffic (33:49) - Wrap Up

    35 min
  2. Setting Boundaries in High Conflict: Your Questions About Difficult Relationships

    25 SEPT

    Setting Boundaries in High Conflict: Your Questions About Difficult Relationships

    In this our next listener’s questions episode, High Conflict Institute co-founders Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy address three complex scenarios involving challenging relationship dynamics, boundary setting, and family conflicts. Mike seeks advice about an ex-girlfriend who refuses to leave his home despite receiving money to do so, using suicide threats as leverage. The hosts discuss implementing their new SLIC method (Setting Limits, Imposing Consequences) and the importance of following through with consequences while having appropriate support systems in place. They emphasize that enabling behavior rarely leads to positive change. Leonard from Sweden asks about common response patterns when high-conflict people face criticism. Bill explains typical reactions including denial, blame-shifting, playing victim, and counter-accusations. The hosts emphasize avoiding criticism in favor of future-focused communication and setting clear boundaries with consequences. A couple dealing with high-conflict aging parents seeks strategies for managing necessary family relationships. The hosts discuss balancing caregiving responsibilities with boundary setting, offering practical approaches for limiting problematic behaviors while maintaining connections. They emphasize matter-of-fact communication and consistent enforcement of stated consequences. Throughout these scenarios, common themes emerge: the importance of preparing for predictable reactions, maintaining firm but respectful boundaries, and avoiding the trap of criticism. The episode demonstrates how similar principles can help navigate different types of high-conflict situations, whether with ex-partners, aging parents, or other family members who exhibit challenging behaviors. Additional Resources Personal Growth New Ways for Families ® Online ClassConflict Influencer® Class (6 weeks on Zoom)Books SLIC Solutions for Conflict (pre-order)It’s All Your FaultOur New World of Adult BulliesConsultations Book us for a consultation about your high-conflict situation or legal caseTraining Inquire about having us train your organizationConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteWatch this episode on YouTube! Important Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:46) - Listener Question #1 (12:49) - Listener Question #2 (24:12) - Listener Question #3 (33:48) - Wrap Up

    35 min
  3. High Conflict Listener Questions: When Different Personalities Collide in Families

    18 SEPT

    High Conflict Listener Questions: When Different Personalities Collide in Families

    When High Conflict Personalities Interact In this listener-driven episode, High Conflict Institute co-founders Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy tackle three complex scenarios from listeners, exploring relationship dynamics between different personality patterns, protecting children from parental alienation, and repairing family bonds damaged by forced estrangement. Listener Jay asks about common personality pattern pairings in relationships. Bill Eddy shares that about half of high conflict relationships involve two people with challenging personality traits. Common combinations include individuals with borderline and narcissistic traits, as well as those with antisocial and histrionic characteristics. These pairings often occur because the traits fulfill complementary emotional needs - for instance, one partner's need to dominate matching another's tendency to seek attention. Sarah seeks advice about protecting her boyfriend's five-year-old daughter from the negative influence of a high-conflict co-parent. The hosts emphasize teaching children the "four big skills for life" (flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior, checking accuracy) early, ideally before age 8-9 when children become more susceptible to parental alienation. They stress the importance of focusing on positive interactions rather than defending against accusations. Joel describes a challenging situation where his wife demands he cut ties with their oldest child and has influenced their younger children, including an 11-year-old, to reject both the oldest sibling and Joel himself. The hosts recommend seeking court-ordered family counseling, especially for younger children, and maintaining a consistent message of refusing to take sides while expressing love for all family members. They emphasize the importance of early intervention to prevent long-term alienation. Throughout these varied scenarios, a common thread emerges: the importance of maintaining boundaries while avoiding extreme responses, teaching resilience skills rather than engaging in conflict, and seeking professional help when needed. The episode demonstrates how similar principles can help navigate different types of high conflict situations, whether in intimate relationships, co-parenting, or extended family dynamics. Additional Resources Personal Growth New Ways for Couples & FamiliesBooks Dating RadarBIFF for Co-parent CommunicationDon’t Alienate the KidsConsultations Book us for a consultation about your high-conflict situation or legal caseArticle The Parental Alienation Story: When Kids Resist Parental Contact, Check Each Parent’s Story About the OtherTraining Inquire about having us train your organizationConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteWatch this episode on YouTube! Important Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:42) - Listener Question #1 (10:57) - Listener Question #2 (16:35) - Listener Question #3 (23:02) - Wrap Up

    24 min
  4. High Conflict in Court: Managing Charm, Control, and Challenging Testimony

    11 SEPT

    High Conflict in Court: Managing Charm, Control, and Challenging Testimony

    Mastering High-Stakes Legal Testimony: Confronting High Conflict Behavior in the Courtroom Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter analyze a compelling murder trial where a defendant who demonstrated high conflict behavior attempted to control courtroom dynamics through charm, intelligence, and confrontation. Drawing from this case study, they explore how legal professionals can maintain composure and authority when facing witnesses who exhibit traits common to high conflict personalities, including extreme confidence, bullying tactics, and sophisticated manipulation techniques. The episode then addresses two listener questions: a therapist's observation about clients who show limited empathy in human relationships yet demonstrate intense care for animals, and a co-parent seeking strategies for responding quickly to seemingly rehearsed demands from challenging individuals. The hosts provide practical insights for handling both scenarios while maintaining healthy boundaries. Questions Answered in This Episode: How can attorneys maintain control with high conflict witnesses?Why do some individuals show more empathy toward animals than people?What strategies help maintain composure during hostile interactions?How can someone respond effectively to rehearsed demands?Key Takeaways: Thorough preparation is essential when dealing with challenging witnessesMaintaining calm and redirecting focus are crucial strategiesApproximately 3-4% of adults demonstrate antisocial personality traitsCharm and confidence often mask high conflict behaviorsSetting clear boundaries requires both preparation and consistent implementationThis episode offers valuable insights for legal professionals, mental health practitioners, and anyone navigating interactions with high conflict individuals. The discussion highlights the importance of understanding behavioral patterns while maintaining professional composure in challenging situations. Additional Resources Expert Publications The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human EmotionsVisit our bookstorePersonal Growth Conflict Influencer® Class (6 weeks on Zoom)Professional Development Inquire about training for your organizationDomestic Violence Video: Conversations About Domestic Violence with 16 ExpertsConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteWatch this episode on YouTube! Important Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:43) - Back from Hiatus (01:26) - High Conflict in Trials (10:08) - Prepare Some Phrases (13:34) - Personality Types (19:11) - Listener Question: Empathy and Pets (31:15) - Listener Question: Asserting Ourselves Quickly (35:17) - Wrap Up

    37 min
  5. Falsely Blamed? How to Protect Yourself and Respond • REBROADCAST

    28 AUG

    Falsely Blamed? How to Protect Yourself and Respond • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this vital encore episode, Bill and Megan provide essential guidance for anyone facing false accusations or becoming a target of blame from high-conflict individuals. They explore practical strategies for protecting yourself while maintaining composure, offering specific tactics to minimize risk and manage difficult accusations effectively. The discussion includes nuanced approaches to correcting misinformation without escalating conflict, and how to thoughtfully assert truth while avoiding defensive responses that often backfire. Additional Resources Expert Publications High Conflict People in Legal DisputesIt's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingIt's All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleProfessional Development Read: Six Tips to Avoid Becoming Someone's Target of BlameLearn: Personality Awareness - Key Skills TrainingConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:34) - A Target of Blame (01:20) - Term’s History (03:33) - Avoiding Becoming a Target (12:26) - How to Behave (15:27) - Extreme Example (17:53) - Paper Trail for Protection (20:01) - Red Flags (22:56) - Finding Balance (26:11) - Wrap Up (26:31) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to End a Hostile Conversation

    28 min
  6. The High-Conflict Borderline Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 3) • REBROADCAST

    14 AUG

    The High-Conflict Borderline Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 3) • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this essential encore episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter delve deep into understanding high conflict borderline personalities, often called the "Love You Hate You" types. They explore the complex world of these challenging relationships, where charm can rapidly transform into rage. The discussion illuminates the defining characteristics of high conflict borderline personalities, including their emotional regulation struggles and tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking. Bill and Megan examine the prevalence of borderline personality disorder, the overlap with high conflict personalities, and offer practical strategies for managing these challenging dynamics while maintaining hope for recovery. Additional Resources Expert Publications Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD/NPDCalming Upset People with EARDating RadarHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesProfessional Development Strategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in DivorceConflict Influencer™ ClassConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:37) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 3 (01:10) - Borderline Personality (07:39) - What does the term mean? (08:50) - Looking for Connection (10:42) - Statistics (14:03) - High Sensitivity (16:26) - Splitting (18:22) - Lying (22:01) - Apologizing (24:47) - Why Vindictive? (27:44) - Finding Success (31:50) - Empathy (34:06) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence

    36 min
  7. Narcissistic Co-Parents, Borderline Spouses, and Intimidating Behaviors • REBROADCAST

    31 JUL

    Narcissistic Co-Parents, Borderline Spouses, and Intimidating Behaviors • REBROADCAST

    REBROADCAST In this valuable encore episode, Bill and Megan tackle three critical listener questions that remain deeply relevant. They begin by addressing a parent's concern about protecting their toddler during a high-conflict custody case involving someone displaying narcissistic traits, offering practical strategies for both the legal process and emotional support. The conversation then shifts to handling intimidating behavior and urgent decision-making scenarios, particularly when dealing with someone who attempts to force their approach. Finally, they explore the complex dynamics of living with someone who has BPD traits, discussing both the potential psychological impact and the importance of finding appropriate therapeutic support for recovery. Additional Resources Expert Publications The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD/NPDHigh-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival GuideThe Healthy Parent's ABC's by Benjamin D. Garber, PhDProfessional Development New Ways for Families Online Class and CoachingHigh Conflict Separation & Divorce Basics Audio SeriesConnect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com Submit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online storeFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:20) - Listener Questions (01:57) - Handling a Toddler with a Narcissistic Parent (07:58) - Managing Intimidating Behavior (13:30) - Is There Ever a Time to Explain the Truth? (16:20) - Can You Develop BPD Traits From Another? (23:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions!

    25 min
  8. High Conflict Patterns: Understanding Situational vs Long-Term Behavior • And We Introduce Conflict Influencer!

    17 JUL

    High Conflict Patterns: Understanding Situational vs Long-Term Behavior • And We Introduce Conflict Influencer!

    Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the crucial distinction between temporary high conflict behaviors and established patterns of high conflict conduct. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute, we address common misconceptions about conflict dynamics while introducing our new platform, Conflict Influencer, designed to support individuals navigating challenging relationships. Understanding High Conflict Patterns We examine how situational stress differs from persistent high conflict behavior patterns through an insightful analogy comparing one-time excessive drinking versus chronic alcohol dependence. While anyone may demonstrate high conflict behaviors temporarily during intense stress, persistent patterns typically manifest in: Preoccupation with blaming othersAll-or-nothing thinkingUnmanaged emotionsExtreme behaviorsThe episode clarifies that high conflict patterns often emerge in close relationships but may remain dormant until triggered by significant life changes like divorce or job loss. We emphasize that effective responses avoid giving insight, emotional engagement, or labels, instead focusing on future solutions rather than past conflicts. Questions We Answer in This Episode Is high conflict behavior always situational?Does conflict always require two participants?How can professionals identify pattern-based versus situational conflict?What approaches work best with individuals demonstrating high conflict patterns?What resources are available through the new Conflict Influencer platform?We also introduce ConflictInfluencer.com, our new online community and learning platform offering individual coaching, consultation services, and comprehensive support for personal conflict challenges. This platform provides both self-directed and guided learning options, making conflict management resources more accessible to individuals seeking ongoing skill development. Special emphasis is placed on the importance of practice and support in building confidence when managing difficult interactions. We demonstrate how the same conflict management skills work effectively for both situational and pattern-based conflicts, while providing practical frameworks for understanding and navigating challenging relationships more effectively. Additional Resources Conflict Influencer: Enter our Conflict Influencer World—a place for anyone and everyone who needs help, support and skills for conflict along the spectrum, especially high-conflict.Check out Sierralin Design!Connect With Us Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:42) - Updates (02:01) - Today’s Topics (02:49) - Is High Conflict Situational? (11:44) - Things to Avoid with an HCP (12:05) - Four Things to Know to Avoid (12:33) - Don’t Focus on Emotions (13:11) - Avoid the Past (13:29) - Don’t Tell Them They’re an HCP (14:19) - Non-HCPs (16:00) - Watch for Patterns (17:10) - One HCP or Two People in Conflict? (21:36) - Conflict Influencer (31:06) - Questions (41:25) - Wrap Up (42:03) - Reminders & See You in September!

    43 min
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Hosted by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Megan Hunter, MBA, It’s All Your Fault! High Conflict People explores the five types of people who can ruin your life—people with high conflict personalities and how they weave themselves into our lives in romance, at work, next door, at school, places of worship, and just about everywhere, causing chaos, exhaustion, and dread for everyone else. They are the most difficult of difficult people — some would say they’re toxic. Without them, tv shows, movies, and the news would be boring, but who wants to live that way in your own life! Have you ever wanted to know what drives them to act this way? In the It’s All Your Fault podcast, we’ll take you behind the scenes to understand what’s happening in the brain and illuminates why we pick HCPs as life partners, why we hire them, and how we can handle interactions and relationships with them. We break down everything you ever wanted to know about people with the 5 high conflict personality types: narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial/sociopath, and paranoid. And we’ll give you tips on how to spot them and how to deal with them.

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