Menopause, Meltdowns & Magic - Two AuDHD, midlife mums. Two countries. Too many tabs open.

Tanya Valentin and Emma Gilmour
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Join Tanya Valentin (NZ neuro-affirming family coach) and Emma Gilmour (AUS alcohol-free & neurodivergent women’s coach) for honest, heart-led chats about being late-diagnosed AuDHD, perimenopausal, parenting teens in burnout, and trying not to lose ourselves (again). We cover masking, menopause, motherhood, identity, friendship, grief, and the messy magic of raising neurodivergent kids. This is a podcast for every mum who’s ever felt like she’s doing it wrong, too much, or not enough. Expect laughter, raw honesty, a little swearing, and a whole lot of validation.

  1. −22 h

    Neurodivergent Marriages and Partnerships

    Tanya and Emma sit down for an honest, unscripted conversation about what happens to a marriage or partnership when one or both parents are neurodivergent, and when a child moves into burnout. They talk about co-regulation, the invisible load carried by the primary caregiver, the grief of an imagined future that never arrived, and why so many parents feel trapped between their own safety and their family's survival. It is a tender, sometimes raw episode, and one both hosts say could easily have run for hours.In this episode The long middle of a neurodivergent marriage - Tanya reflects on her own thirty-year marriage, marriedat twenty with no idea either of them was neurodivergent, a hard decade of not knowing if they would stay together, and the slow, ongoing work of rediscovering the relationship as two neurodivergent people.One partner usually leads, the other catches up (or doesn't) - Parenting differently is heavily conditioned against. Often one partner takes the lead in learning new, more neuroaffirming ways and becomes the primary caregiver during a child's burnout, while the other defaults to managing finances and logistics, a split that can breed resentment and feel like judgment rather than support.Co-regulation quietly shifts from partner to child - Many neurodivergent couples unconsciously co-regulate each other, often without realising it's a foundation of the relationship. When children arrive, that co regulation frequently shifts onto them instead, leaving the partnership without the thing that was holding it steady.Financial dependency and fawning history can trap people in unsafe places - Stepping back from career to caregiver comes with a real cost: less financial independence, less agency, and more vulnerability,especially layered on top of a fawning, people-pleasing history. Both hosts hear from women, especially in school can't and PDA communities, who stay in relationships that aren't safe or fulfilling because there's no financial way out.The exhausting performance of the 'perfect parent' is a safety response - Pinterest parties, working-mother guilt, and the pressure to look like you have it all together aren't vanity. Tanya and Emma name these as nervous system safety responses to a deep fear of being seen asfaulty, and talk about the grief underneath it all for the imagined future and community that didn't turn out as hoped.It's especially hard for dads to be vulnerable or ask for help - Cultural conditioning tells men to toughen up and solve things themselves, therapy carries cost and stigma, and shame often sits underneath anger or control when a father feels powerless to fix his child'sstruggles. For Tanya, the biggest turning point in her marriage was her husband seeking outside support and the two of them doing the Tuning into Teens course together.Mentioned in this episodeUntamed by Glennon Doyle — referenced for the 'your house is your drawbridge' concept Tuning into Teens — the parenting course Tanya and her husband completed together Practical Magic 2 — the film Tanya's magic moment references Offers & further support FREE 3-Day Alcohol Reset with Emma 22-24 September, 7:30pm AEST (replays available). Ajudgement-free space to learn tools for a take it or leave it relationship withalcohol. Register → The Great Aussie Alcohol Experiment with Emma Live from 1 October, 30 days, small group coaching, 25spots only. Join → Tanya's free 10-Day Tiny Anchors Journey A gentle, guided starting point for parents wanting asmall, doable anchor in the day to day of burnout recovery. Start the journey →

  2. 7 sep.

    Rupture and Repair: Healing the Cracks in Our Relationships

    Most of us grew up believing that a good relationship never has disagreements, conflict, or angry words. In this episode, Tanya and Emma sit with the opposite idea: that rupture is inevitable, and the real skill we were never taught is repair. Together they trace how their families of origin handled conflict (mostly by not handling it at all), why saying sorry to your own children can feel like breaking a generational rule, and how becoming the first generation to actually apologise reshapes the relationship on both sides. The conversation moves from parenting into perimenopause, masking and unmasking, and the friendships and family ties that do not survive us becoming more honest about our needs. It closes with a set of practical strategies for the relationships we cannot walk away from and a reminder that a relationship which can survive rupture and repair is stronger for it.In This Episode Why rupture and repair is the topic, and how it kept showing up everywhere this weekGrowing up where adults had the final say and feelings were not up for discussionThe myth that parents must know everything and never make mistakesBeing the first generation in the family to say sorry to their children, and meaning itThe shame wired into asking for what you need: “don't be so needy”A therapist's reframe: would you take offence if your own child told you that you hurt them?What it looked like when their children, post-burnout, told them everything that had hurtADHD, executive functioning, and the “why can't you just do the thing” spiralHow it took their children collapsing into burnout for the pattern to become visibleWhy the absence of repair hurts more than the original ruptureBeing judged as a parent by how “well-behaved” your children are in publicPractical strategies for hard family visits: time-boxing, radical acceptance, and taking breaksGlennon Doyle's Untamed and the “leave your fear at the door” family boundaryNaming family culture rules in advance, including no commentary on bodiesFawning, courage, and finding the words in the momentThe core ingredient of repair: holding two truths (multiplicity) at once. Resources & Mentions Untamed by Glennon Doyle — referenced for the “leave your fear at the door” boundary with visitors Magic Moments (Glimmers) Tanya - Ordering dinner-plate-sized dahlia bulbs and getting anticipatory joy from the wait Emma - Buying a trans and LGBTIQ+ ally pin that says “you are safe with me” If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download ⁠⁠the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey⁠⁠ If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, explore Emma's membership: ⁠⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse⁠⁠

  3. 26 aug.

    Insight Isn’t Immunity: Understanding, Feeling, and the Parts of Us Still Learning to Trust Ourselves

    This week Tanya sits down with Emma for a wandering,honest conversation about the gap between understanding something and actually feeling it. They talk about why knowing the “why” behind a meltdown, a trigger, or a parenting mistake doesn’t stop it from hurting, and how intellectualising can quietly become another way of bypassing our own nervous systems. From attachment wounds and trauma responses to theparticular grief of realising the harm done before a late autism diagnosis, this one goes deep. They also share the small, unfussy things that help them come back to themselves: dancing badly in the kitchen, talking to trees, and letting a feeling last its real ninety seconds instead of the story we build around it. In this episode Why insight and understanding don’t immunise us from hurt, grief, or overwhelmHow intellectualising can be a trauma response and a nervous-system safety blanketAttachment patterns that show up when someone we love pulls awayThe particular shame of harm done before a late autism diagnosisFinding neurodivergent-affirming therapists, and why it’s worth vetting every oneTools for actually feeling a feeling: titration, pendulation, and the real ninety secondsWhat grounds each of them — dancing, nature, and safe anchorsMagic momentsEmma - A slow, sweet morning cuddled up with her daughter Daisy — mucking about in bed together instead of jumping straight into the routine Tanya - Listening to Brené Brown talk about wearing two watches— one for chronos time and one that belonged to her grandmother— which sent Tanya looking for her own grandmother’s watch, and the memories that came withfinding it. Resources mentioned Big Magic by Elizabeth GilbertTrauma and Recovery by Judith HermanGabor Maté’s work on trauma and addictionFrancis Weller’s work on grief, including the gates of grief and grief for the unloved selfAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. GibsonAn article referenced as “the piece by Lindsay” — Lindsey Mackereth's SubstackKristy Forbes’s SubstackIf you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download ⁠the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey⁠ If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, explore Emma's membership: ⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse⁠

  4. 19 aug.

    When Trauma and Neurodivergence Get Tangled Together

    In this episode, Tanya sits down with Emma for a conversation that goes right to the heart of a question so many parents in this community carry quietly: "Is it trauma, or is it neurodivergence?" Together they trace how the two get woven into each other from childhood, why masking costs so much more than it looks like from the outside, and what it means to try toparent differently while still learning the language yourself. This one is honest, a little raw in places, and full of the kind of recognition that makes you feel less alone. Grab a cup of tea before you press play. What we chat about in this episode: Why so many professionals label neurodivergent kids as traumatised, and thefear that stirs up in parents who did nothing wrongThe ongoing debate of “is it trauma or is it neurodivergence,” and why Tanya and Emma see it as a false choice.A working definition of complex trauma: a heart that gets broken a million times and has to be put back together.What masking really costs, and how it gets layered into every part of a person rather than sitting on top like a persona.Why trauma is relational and situational, not an inevitable part of being neurodivergent.Power, compliance and why children who question the rules are so often met with cruelty.Situational mutism, freeze mode, and the lifelong echoes of being pushed to “just get the words out”The research linking autism itself to PTSD and complex PTSD, and the relief of realising “it's not just me”     Why unmasking isn't always safe, and why that's allowed to stay true rather than be fixed.The reality of advocating for your child within systems that start treating you as the problem.Resources and mentionsSonny Jane Wise — the post on trauma and neurodivergence that sparked this conversation Lindsay's checklist on autism, stimming and CPTSD markers, mentioned as a helpful resource for parents and autistic adults The research paper on trauma and autistic people referenced around the 18–20 minute mark. The book on emotionally immature parents that Emma mentioned   “Our hearts get broken a million times, and we have to put them back together. That's complex trauma.” If this episode landed for you, Tanya and Emma would love to hear where. Come share your own experience, your questions, or just tell them it's not just you. This is how we slowly build a world where more of us get to feel less alone in it. If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, get with Emma's membership: https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse

  5. 1 juni

    Why Fairness Matters So Much: Justice, PDA and the Nervous System

    Why do some people seem able to let things go while others feel deeply affected by unfairness, injustice, or double standards? In this episode of Meltdowns, Menopause and Magic, Tanya and Emma explore the powerful relationship between neurodivergence, fairness, social justice, and nervous system activation. Together, they unpack why many Autistic and PDA individuals experience injustice not simply as an idea, but as a whole-body experience. They discuss how fairness shows up in childhood, schools, workplaces, families, and society more broadly, and why experiences of being misunderstood, excluded, or othered can leave lasting impacts. The conversation also explores the emotional labour of caring deeply about the world around us, how social justice can become intertwined with our own experiences of belonging, and what we can do when the weight of unfairness feels overwhelming. In this episode, we chat about: • Why fairness and justice can feel so important for many Autistic and PDA people.• The difference between noticing injustice and experiencing it as nervous system activation.• How schools, workplaces, and social systems can unintentionally create feelings of inequity.• Why many neurodivergent children struggle when rules are applied inconsistently.• The connection between fairness, belonging, masking, and childhood experiences of being misunderstood.• How experiences of exclusion can shape our responses to injustice as adults.• The emotional impact of witnessing discrimination and systemic inequities.• Supporting children who are highly affected by unfairness and social issues.• The challenge of staying informed without becoming overwhelmed.• Practical strategies for managing nervous system activation when feelings of injustice arise. If this conversation resonated with you, we'd love to hear your thoughts. What role does fairness play in your life or your child's experience? Follow along for more conversations about neurodivergence, parenting, menopause, identity, nervous systems, and the magic that can be found in unexpected places. Podcast: Meltdowns, Menopause and Magic Hosts:Tanya Valentin & Emma Gilmour If you are a woman questioning your relationship with alcohol, join Emma's 5 Day Alcohol Reset: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/fivedayreset⁠⁠⁠⁠A 5-day self-paced break from alcohol - to learn the tools to make alcohol a small and irrelevant part oftheir lives. If you are a parent of a child or teen in burnout needing support, join Tanya's Parent Community: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠From Burnout to Balance⁠

  6. 22 maj

    When Support Hurts: Burnout, Belonging and Trusting Ourselves Again

    In this episode of Menopause, Meltdowns and Magic, Tanya and Emma explore a complicated topic for many neurodivergent families: What happens when the “support” being offered actually causes more harm? Together, they unpack the long middle of burnout recovery, that messy, uncertain stage where things may appear to be improving on the surface, while nervous systems are still overwhelmed underneath. This conversation explores: Why the wrong support can prolong burnout.How even “good” support can become overwhelming during deep nervous system exhaustion.The pressure parents feel to accept therapies, interventions, and professional advice.Medical-model thinking versus relational and nervous-system-informed approaches.The grief, guilt and vulnerability of learning to trust ourselves again as parents.Why body autonomy and consent matter deeply for neurodivergent children.The difference between fitting in and true belonging.How compliance-based systems can disconnect children from themselves.The hidden trauma many parents carry while advocating for their children.This episode also touches on masking, chronic fatigue, accommodations in schools, interdependence versus independence, and the powerful ripple effects of cycle-breaking parenting. As always, the conversation weaves between personal stories, deep reflection, humour, nervous system wisdom, and moments of everyday magic.Resources & References Mentioned Dr. Emmi Pikler and respectful caregiving.Amanda Diekman and Low Demand Parenting.Brené Brown’s work on belonging versus fitting in.Internal Family Systems and No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz.Peter Levine and nervous system trauma work.Podcast: Meltdowns, Menopause and Magic Hosts: Tanya Valentin & Emma Gilmour If you are a woman questioning your relationship with alcohol, join Emma's 5 Day Alcohol Reset: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/fivedayreset ⁠⁠⁠ A 5-day self-paced break from alcohol - to learn the tools to make alcohol a small and irrelevant part of their lives. If you are a parent of a child or teen in burnout needing support, join Tanya's Parent Community: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠From Burnout to Balance

  7. 12 maj

    What Matters Most: Pressure, Parenting, and Repair

    In this deeply honest episode of Menopause, Meltdowns and Magic, Tanya and Emma explore the invisible pressure many parents carry to keep pushing through, even when their nervous systems, relationships, and families are asking for something gentler. Together, they unpack the cultural conditioning around productivity, perfectionism, people pleasing, and “good parenting,” and how these pressures can quietly shape the way we relate to ourselves and our children, especially during burnout recovery. This conversation moves through grief, masking, autonomy, relational safety, repair, fawning, self-compassion, and the emotional labour of parenting neurodivergent children. Tanya and Emma reflect on how burnout recovery can feel confusing when children begin to emerge from shutdown, and how easy it is to unconsciously compare them to who they were before burnout. This episode is a gentle reminder that healing is not linear, parenting is deeply human, and repair is always possible. In this episode, Tanya and Emma discuss: How productivity culture teaches us to keep pushing through exhaustion.Why parents can unconsciously place pressure on children emerging from burnout.The grief of letting go of who our children were before burnout.The connection between burnout, masking, perfectionism, and people pleasing.Why many coping behaviours are rooted in nervous system safety, not manipulation.How childhood experiences shape hypervigilance and fawning responses.The emotional impact of believing our children are a reflection of our worth.Why repair can create deeper and more authentic relationships.The difference between guilt and shame in parenting.Why self-compassion may matter even more than self-care.How relational safety allows children to advocate, unmask, and speak honestly.The importance of sitting beside difficult emotions instead of rushing to fix them.Resources & References MentionedThe Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.Tuning Into Kids / Tuning Into Teens emotion coaching framework.Conversations around masking, relational safety, burnout, and nervous system care.Podcast: Meltdowns, Menopause and Magic Hosts: Tanya Valentin & Emma Gilmour If you are a woman questioning your relationship with alcohol, join Emma's 5 Day Alcohol Reset: ⁠⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/fivedayreset ⁠⁠ A 5-day self-paced break from alcohol - to learn the tools to make alcohol a small and irrelevant part of their lives. If you are a parent of a child or teen in burnout needing support, join Tanya's Parent Community: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠From Burnout to Balance

  8. 28 apr.

    The Hidden Struggles of Neurodivergent Friendships

    Friendship can feel complicated, especially for neurodivergent women navigating masking, burnout, grief, and identity shifts. In this deeply honest conversation, we explore how our experiences of friendship have been shaped over time—from early moments of exclusion and heartbreak, to high-masking personas, to the quiet unravelling that often comes with burnout, sobriety, or late diagnosis. We talk about what happens when your world becomes smaller, when your capacity changes, and when the people around you don’t quite meet you where you are. And we gently name the grief that lives underneath it all—the friendships that didn’t hold, the community that didn’t show up, and the longing to be truly seen. This episode is a soft place to land if you’ve ever felt like you don’t quite “fit” in friendship, or if connection has felt confusing, one-sided, or out of reach. You are not alone in this. In this episode, we explore: Why friendships can feel especially complex for neurodivergent womenHow early friendship experiences can shape masking and identityThe impact of high masking and performing “acceptability” in relationships Friendship breakups and the deep, often unspoken grief they carry How alcohol, achievement, or caregiving roles can become forms of maskingThe shift that happens when masking drops (through burnout, diagnosis, or sobriety)Why some friendships feel “hollow” or difficult to sustain over time The emotional labour of being the one who maintains connectionThe experience of “disappearing” from friendships during burnout or crisisWhy many neurodivergent people prefer depth over small talkObject permanence and “out of sight, out of mind” in friendshipsThe difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent social expectationsHow parenting a child in burnout or crisis can reshape your identity and relationships The loneliness of experiences that others don’t understand (e.g. mental health crises vs. physical illness)The role of cultural narratives like “just world theory” in how people respond to hardshipGrief as a central, often missing piece in friendship and communityThe importance of being witnessed, rather than fixed or judgedWhat it feels like to find safe, attuned connection with other neurodivergent peopleA gentle reflection:Where have you felt like you had to “perform” in order to belong? What kind of friendship feels safe and sustainable for you now—not who you used to be, but who you are today? You are welcome to share your lived experience of this in the comments. Podcast: Meltdowns, Menopause and Magic Hosts: Tanya Valentin & Emma Gilmour If you are a woman questioning your relationship with alcohol, join Emma's 5 Day Alcohol Reset: ⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/fivedayreset ⁠ A 5-day self-paced break from alcohol - to learn the tools to make alcohol a small and irrelevant part of their lives. If you are a parent of a child or teen in burnout needing support, join Tanya's Parent Community: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠From Burnout to Balance⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Join Tanya Valentin (NZ neuro-affirming family coach) and Emma Gilmour (AUS alcohol-free & neurodivergent women’s coach) for honest, heart-led chats about being late-diagnosed AuDHD, perimenopausal, parenting teens in burnout, and trying not to lose ourselves (again). We cover masking, menopause, motherhood, identity, friendship, grief, and the messy magic of raising neurodivergent kids. This is a podcast for every mum who’s ever felt like she’s doing it wrong, too much, or not enough. Expect laughter, raw honesty, a little swearing, and a whole lot of validation.

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