This JW Life

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Get an in depth personal look at the life of Jehovah's Witnesses through my own story. Learn how life changed when my family became Jehovah's Witnesses, and then my journey to freedom. Of course, we all know that freedom is never free, and you will learn how great the cost was to me.

2017-09-06

Episode 10 - Announcing "shunned"

In this final episode of This JW Life I discuss where things are going after my story has been wrapped up. Click here to check out ShunnedPodcast.com Direct Download Here

9 min
2017-08-08

Episode 9 - Let's Send This Thing Out Right - Where We Ended Up

After leaving the cult of Jehovah's Witnesses we learned even more eye-opening things about it. Then we applied the same scrutiny to the book that everything we ever believed was based on. Where did we end up? How is our life now? How will I end this last episode of my story? Listen to find out. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:59] I'm going to break down the nearly two years since my wife and I left the call in different sections to tie up some loose ends and and report on what life has been like after the call. So let's just jump right in. First section we're going to talk about is what I've learned since leaving the cold about the cold admittedly Jehovah's Witnesses know very little about the religion that they pledged their loyalty to. As far as history goes and they also honestly don't know a lot about what is involved in it. Presently you see a good magician only shows you what they want you to see. They don't slow things down and show you the sleight of hand used to make the allusion appear seamless to your naked eye. I've had time now to slow things down to get away from the indoctrination and to get that detailed look at things that I never even had any clue were going on. Around the time that I was coming out there were two big events that happened in the Colts. First the governing body of Jehovah's Witnesses. Again these are the leaders of the cult. They started coming out from behind the curtain. Now when I was growing up. One of the selling points of the cult was that our leaders were unknown to us. So it couldn't be a call right. You know these people were behind the scenes they weren't doing it for personal glory. So it wasn't like we were following some man. Well those men have now decided to make themselves known. And it is glorious. [00:03:28] Now I'm just going to sit here and take shots at them unnecessarily. But if you've ever seen a picture of them or if you ever hear them speak the mental illness in them just drips off their words one of them looks like a caricature of Cecil the turtle from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons and speaks about like him. It is so creepy. Others have he's really flat facts as though they are dead inside something that kind of tends to do anyway to people by robbing them of their humanity. But they are truly caricatures. Now one day around when I left there was a huge meeting that was broadcast throughout all the congregations. This was a big deal. [00:04:11] It was a special thing and everyone flocked to their kingdom halls to watch this live stream on video screens of the governing body during a special meeting. This [00:04:21] wasn't something that the average Jehovah's Witness ever got to see. [00:04:26] There were these annual meetings that were held up at Bethel or the headquarters in New York in New York City. But this wasn't something that the average person got to participate in. But they took the opportunity to come out pretty much to great fanfare to be seen on these video screens that each congregation would either buy or rent so that they could show the members this live stream now this is a great chance. [00:04:58] The governing body could speak to anything they wanted anything in the world. They had their subs subjects were captive they could encourage them in any way they wanted. Would you like to know what the highlight from that meeting was Anthony Morris one of the governing body members used his 15 minutes of fame to go on a rant about tight pants tight pants. [00:05:25] In fact he is no now as tight pants Tony he could have talked about anything he could have encouraged single parents that were going through tough times. He could have encouraged young people that had to live a messed up life in the cold. But instead he chose to harp on things like how tight the pants were that people were wearing. And if you don't like it as he is so fond of saying take it up with God because you know that's right there in the Bible in the book of fashion you know the chapter about how tight your pants should be. He he talked about those Spanx as he called them just to show how out of touch he is. He talked about those Spanx as he called them that women used to work out in. And how appalling it was that they would ever wear those out of the house. Then he went on to talk about how the homosexuals that design men's pants want to see you in those tight pants the more slender dress pants as opposed to the pleated pans that looked like balloons were. Remember those as I remember when I was younger you'd wear these pleated pants a little balloons in your crotch when you sit down. Well you know these homosexuals they're just making you wear these tight pants so they can see your bold young men. That's what it's about. You could see how out of touch these human beings are what their world view is like in just a few statements. It doesn't take a lot. [00:06:51] You don't have to get to know these men. This man is a God. A G O D or a guardian of doctrine as they literally referred to themselves as at one point. What a shame that instead of helping people. All he did was put more burdens on them like the Pharisees in Jesus day that Jehovah's Witnesses liked to poke fun at that talk helped to wake a lot of people up. He even went on a rant about the socks that brothers wore with crazy colors on them or designs really now also around that time was the live streaming online of the Australian Royal Commission. The FARC is investigating religions in Australia and how they deal with childhood sexual abuse in their organisations. Now it isn't just Jehovah's witnesses that were being investigated but it was the Jehovah's Witnesses that got special attention not just from those of us that were watching. Ex Jacob's but from the commission itself you see ANGUS STEWART Now a hero among us ex SJ Dubbs was not fooled by the court's appearance and persona. He went in prepared in part because the ex Jehovah's Witness community reached out and gave him things that helped him to prosecute the witnesses in his court. I'll let you in on a little something regarding Jehovah's Witnesses and child sexual abuse or honestly abuse of any kind. Let's say that Little Susie claims that a relative molested her she tells her Jehovah's Witness parents first her parents will go to the elders not to the police but to the elders as that is pretty much how everything is handled in the creation's. [00:08:38] Then once they're little Susie would have to sit down in front of men elders and tell them what happened. Faced probing questions into it again. I think I mentioned earlier they want to know all the details. Then the elders would call the legal department at Watchtower headquarters for advice on how to proceed. Now Jehovah's Witnesses will deny that this is the case but the case is that Jehovah's Witnesses have always been discouraged from going to the police. As a general rule remember they're concerned more about appearance than anything and they will avoid the courts because they don't want the organisation to look bad publicly just like they'll encourage people that seek psychiatric care. So then please don't disclose that you're one of Jehovah's Witnesses because it reflects badly on them. So Susie has now been through this ordeal and the elders would then go confront the relative in the congregation that was accused of molesting her. Often it would come down to a judicial hearing and the little girl would have to face the person that she accused often an adult and likely a man in this scenario in front of three men in the end unless the accused confessed. There could be nothing done unless there was a second witness. Now how many times do you think someone witnesses such predatory behavior. So the relative goes free to molest others and only if another person comes forward later. Will they then have their two witnesses. They have what's called the two witness rule. They take it from one particular verse in the Bible out of the mouth of two witnesses and they use it in this particular scenario. [00:10:27] And because people aren't going to the police it really causes a lot of problems and there's a lot of behavior that has repeated There was an elder that was being shaken down by Angus Stewart that was on the stand in the course of questioning Mr. Stewart asked him what he was doing to protect the general public. Her he got all indignant and was like well you know of course we care about other kids but how could we protect everyone. Well Mr. Stewart beautifully pointed out that by keeping everything in-house and avoiding taking matters like this to the police they were at best only trying to protect those in their own cult and that even if the abuser confessed and was disfellowshipped that did nothing to protect the community at large from a predator. The elder as if thinking about this for the first time in his life thinking about other people he turned blood red and was humiliated. You see Jehovah's Witnesses are so full of themselves that they don't even consider outsiders. This was an eye opener. In the end over 1000 cases of pedophilia were documented and not one was ever reported to the authorities. Jehovah's Witnesses have a policy of also destroying notes taken during such questionings of abuse cases and when questioned on the stage on the stand as to whether or not they would continue doing so. They said yeah that's our policy because again it's policy over people. Now people have even been threatened with disfellowshipping if they were to take these accusations of abuse to the police. Justice McClellan who was presiding over that court pointed out that Jehovah's Witnesses were the worst organization that he had seen in dealing with this. [00:12:22] And the quote was defiance at every turn in areas where they were expected to cooperate. They even hired an outside expert to sing their praises. That was snowed by them as to what the reality

1 tim 42 min
2017-08-03

Episode 8 - Get Out Of Her, My People - It All Comes Tumbling Down

There comes a point in life when you know too much to ever go back to the person you once were, or to the cult that you once called home. Unfortunately there are no easy ways to leave a cult. This is my journey out and I detail the price that was paid for my freedom. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:52] If you notice the title of this week's episode and you were never one of Jehovah's Witnesses you may be wondering what it's all about. Get out of her my people. It all comes crumbling down. Is a shout out to the scripture in Revelation 18 that Jehovah's Witnesses like to point at all the other religions of the world and Revelation 18 verse 2. We see that the subject of all these proclamations is Babylon the Great Jove's. This is believed to be the world empire of false religion as Babylon in ancient times was a hub of false religion. So they end these verses at false religion today. Jehovah's Witnesses have again the truth. They believe that it applies to everyone else. For those of us that learn the truth about the truth we can just as easily point this back at them. The Scriptures read Revelation 18 for through a and I heard another voice out of heaven say get out of her my people. If you do not want to share with her in her sins and if you do not want to receive part of her plagues for her sins of mass together clear up to heaven and God has called her acts of injustice to mind repay her in the way she treated others yes pay her back double for the things she has done in the cup she has mixed for a double portion for her to the extent that she has glorified herself. I live in Shameless luxury. [00:03:16] To that extent give her torments and mourning for SECU saying in her heart I sit as queen and I am not a widow and I will never see MORNING. [00:03:25] That is why and one day her plagues will come death and mourning and famine as she will be completely burned with fire because Jehovah God who judged her is strong so I took these verses and pointed them right back at Jehovah's Witnesses and this is my account of how it all came crumbling down for me and for my wife as well. [00:03:48] Jehovah's Witnesses like to project a lot they love to point out that straw in the eyes of others while ignoring the rafter in their own. [00:03:55] Another call back to scripture. [00:03:58] So by now you have a working understanding of how Jehovah's Witnesses think and feel about the world around them. [00:04:06] You've seen how they use their teachings to control and manipulate those that are subjected to them. You've seen how they brought me to my knees. [00:04:14] And you've also seen the information that helps to start wake me up now it's time to show you how things progressed as I was learning all this new information. You'll see how we got out of that debt that we had amassed how my relationship with my dad changed and how everything really started changing for the better. But eventually came there was a hefty price to pay for that. So let's go back a bit to where I left off with my story. I was depressed I was suicidal ideations and my life was a wreck. I started to become enlightened and I was getting deep into the realm of self-help and psychology and was realizing that this organization that I was taught to look to for everything didn't have everything that I or others needed. This was my awakening process during this process. I got healthier and decided that I wanted to be the one to right some wrongs even if I wasn't the one that started them. I wanted to help others and to have better relationships. For starters I wanted to give my youngest brother and my sister that is 20 years younger than me. A better life. So I would take them out and buy them clothes. My wife and I would help decorate my sister's room. [00:05:24] We gave them things like on our Nintendo we we bought them skateboards and things we tried to give them things that maybe I would have gotten like when my grandfather was alive he would bias things. [00:05:39] Not that you know buying something for someone is the end all be all to a relationship or that someone was trying to buy my love. [00:05:48] But he had the ability to make some things happen for us that you know growing up kind of poor we we really didn't have those opportunities. So I wanted to you know grandfather my grandpa wasn't around anymore so I wanted to help out where I could. It's tough when you grow up without the money to do fun things or you just don't have much. So my wife and I use some of our money to try to give them things that maybe I didn't have when I was a kid or or that others had given me like my grandfather. Aside from that I wanted to make sure that I did things with my younger siblings. We took them places and had a good time. So a it came about when I found out something about how things were going at my family's home with my dad and my youngest brother. [00:06:32] My mom would tell me things I had and I wasn't going to just let it happen and continue on like it was it was it was you know nobody likes to see somebody get bullied. [00:06:46] And at this point in my life I didn't I didn't live at home I didn't have to put up with this anymore. So I told my mom that I was coming to get my dad and we were going to go for a drive. Something we had never done before. My wife and I went over on a Saturday and while she and my mom took bets on who would come back alive. I invited my dad to go for a ride. I took him to a nearby park parked the car and we got out. It was honestly one of the harder things I had to do up to that point because my dad was very authoritarian. He generally refused to be questioned in any way to be challenged his answer was No to everything. He didn't want to hear what you had to say. And that was that it was his way or the highway only in this case I held all the cards he was in my car and I took him out and I didn't live under his roof anymore. So the power balance has shifted. Well basically I told him everything from how I felt as a child to how my brothers felt. I told him what a jerk he was to be quite honest and that it needed a change and this is his wakeup call. It was I guess a jerk intervention of sorts. I didn't really mince words. [00:07:54] In fact that's something that I kind of started to put into an earlier episode here and left out because I didn't really feel safe being that vulnerable at that point when I was doing that episode but I'm going to go ahead and throw it out here. Now this is something I had to tell my dad when I was a kid I would leave these notes to my dad at times I'm sure my mom probably threw them away and I'm sure he probably never saw them. I don't know. Nothing was ever said to me about it. But admittedly his emotional abuse was getting to me. [00:08:25] I would cry myself to sleep at night. [00:08:27] A lot of times when I was a little kid there was just not really not really a lot of love in my family. Now people typically have one or two responses to a given challenge. We have the fight or flight response. [00:08:43] I'm not really one to flee. I'm just not wired that way. And it wasn't like I had anywhere to go to as a kid anyway. [00:08:51] So fight it was in one particularly disturbed moment as a kid. I actually got up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes after a particularly bad day with my dad and went into the kitchen and had plans on or at least impulsive thoughts on putting an end to his abuse. [00:09:14] I went into bed or went to bed. What is the kitchen. I grab the knife and I obviously couldn't go through with it which is for his benefit and from hide as well. [00:09:27] As a kid but I just ended up going back to bed but I told my dad this and this moment if that doesn't wake a person up to the realities of their impact on other people then I don't know what in the world could well my dad said all the right things. [00:09:49] He apologized for things he told me a bit about his own upbringing. And I have to say that his own upbringing was pretty messed up from what he told me and facts. [00:10:02] You know I think one of the things any parent wants to do is be a better parent than their parents. And to be honest though were it doesn't sound like we're setting a very high bar here. [00:10:15] I think he may have done that from some of the things that he told me. But anyway when it came to us he just thought we were moody teenagers so we were staying away. [00:10:26] He didn't know that we truly despised him so much that we actually went to a doctor and I and if you know my dad next shall be telling you a little bit more about him later. My dad did not volunteer volunteer to go to doctors. You'll understand more about that later. But he actually went of his own volition and got medication for depression. [00:10:49] Now from what I was told by my mom he changed for the better. But it wasn't long before he went off the meds and decided that he didn't need them anymore and that everything was fine before. [00:10:59] So whatever good was done there. I don't I don't know what the impact was kind of it was always kind of a tough thing with my dad to tell where he really stood on things. [00:11:14] But my relationship with my dad did start to change because I mean I realized he was never going to make it better on his own. So if I wanted something better it was up to me. I reached out to him invite and invited him to do things. I'd take him fishing to baseball games. We went out and ate. At times we had fun. I even took him to his first ever University of Kentucky basketball game. [00:11:38] Despite my love for the rival school and my loathing for all things blue or cats I told them that I would make a deal. [00:11:48] I wouldn't clap for them but at least refrain from booing actually. You know I tease. But it was the one time that I ever really rooted for them. I wanted them to win for my dad. In fact I picked the game. I mean you know pro

1 tim 58 min
2017-07-23

Episode 7 - Getting Healthy and Waking Up

Learn how I went from an unhealthy and suicidal Jehovah's Witness to a happy and healthy human being. I list exact books and podcasts that helped me in my journey to overcome the toxic and dysfunctional life that I had been given from my cult upbringing. Whether you're a recovering cult member or just your average person that has been blessed to never go through my experience, you can learn from this episode. This healthy information is something that everyone can benefit from, and I hope that you find something that improves your life in this episode. Direct Download Here Resources Mentioned (in no particular order): Books- Driven To Distraction – Edward Hallowell and John Ratey Man's Search For Meaning – Viktor Frankl Necessary Endings – Henry Cloud The Power of Vulnerability – Brene Brown Brene Brown TED Talk on Vulnerability Healing the Shame That Binds You– John Bradshaw The Emotionally Abusive Relationship – Beverly Engel The Narcissistic Family – Robert Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson Pressman A New Earth – Eckhart Tolle A Million Miles in a Thousand Years – Donald Miller Boundaries – Henry Cloud Happier – Tal Ben-shahar Last Lecture – Randy Pausch Podcasts - Mental Illness Happy Hour Dave Ramsey Show [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:52] Before we get started I'd like to give thanks for the iTunes reviews that I've received. They mean a lot to me personally and they kind of give the show credibility for those who are looking for shows like this. I had asked for some a few weeks ago and some of you responded and I really appreciate that also. Just hit a little mark. We're hitting 5000 downloads today. Just a week and a half ago to give you some idea. We hit 3000. So it seems like things are really picking up which is pretty cool and something that I really hadn't expected. This has gone far better than I could have anticipated. Now today I'd like to start with a little public service announcement something happened this week that hit me after last week's episode. The singer for the band Linkin Park Chester Bennington committed suicide. That kind of hit me hard for two reasons. One I just kind of got done reliving my own story and my own suicidal ideations and things and putting that out into the world. On the last episode to his music personally helps me on my journey. Their music ran the gamut from screaming to let out rage to these beautiful compassionate messages that mean he could sing at all different vocal ranges. They sing about things like codependents and depression and overcoming things. I could be totally frustrated with my life. Listen to one of their songs and feel like I either got the rage out or that I was understood. Sadly his own issues presented themselves in the end. Often it is those that hurt the most. [00:03:27] That kind of churn out some of the most beautiful art. If you're listening and you're hurting I mean I don't know how many people are listening I know. You know with 5000 downloads maybe there is somebody out there that's hurting. I just want to say that there are better ways out. Sometimes the disease wins as in his case and it is profoundly sad. However many do beat these thoughts and feelings. Our stories just don't make the news because shocking will triumph inspiring for ratings any day. I'm one such person and I know that there are many others. If you need help reach out with an open mind. You can find new ways of living and you can find what all of us are ultimately chasing which is happiness. The suicide prevention hotline can be called any time. 1 800 2 7 3 8 2 5 5. In fact if you google suicide prevention hotline It appears that they even have an online chat which is pretty cool. Just just reach out. Just please reach out. People do care about you and you can learn to care about yourself. [00:04:34] At the end of last week's episode I discussed this newfound revelation that I might have been dealing with some sort of ADHD for my whole life. This revelation was huge for me because it took away the moralization of my struggles that I've been giving my whole life and showed me that the cult that I have been taught to turn to for everything didn't really have the answers to everything. In fact there was a famous talk that made the rounds by a brother Mack in the organization that highlighted how we're all just getting by on pills and prayers brothers pills and prayers. This world is so wicked that it's on the way out and it's so hard to make it through well. That never sounded like a good life to me. It sounds more like an existence not a way to live. So I took this opportunity to dive farther into things I wanted to learn more about ADHD of course. And I dove headfirst into some online forums about it. I wanted to see how other people lived with it and kind of see how I fit in. I mean after all it is a spectrum. So you can't. So not everyone is going to have the same experience. I would spend the next couple of years heavily involved in that community not only receiving help but I also stuck around and tried to help others as much as I could. What I learned was that ADHD is an executive function disorder. That's exactly what it sounds like. [00:06:03] It's a difficulty in executing things in such a disorder you may face some measure of impulsivity and difficulty carrying out what you want to do unlike what the elders in the corrugation had just told me which I mentioned last week we all do what we want to do and it all comes down to choice. Well I was learning that our brains are often hijacked by many chemical imbalances and different disorders and sometimes just situational things. It doesn't mean that we have no choice in this world but it does mean that life doesn't merely come down to a matter of choices. If it did and we had this total control and all we needed to do or make better choices in life then we could be perfect for and if we could be perfect you know as this Christian I thought I was why would there be a need for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that I held in such high esteem. Why would he need to sacrifice himself because we could overcome our sinful or imperfect natures simply by making better choices right. Speaking of choices I ended up having one to make here. You see Jehovah's Witnesses ridicule self-help they also for many years pretty much condemned any kind of psychology. After all the only thing that you really needed was prayer and faith. Faith could move mountains and if you did go to the realm of psychology just don't mention that you're a Jehovah's Witness is ok. I mean if you do so and then talk about all your problems you might make Jehovah or Jehovah's Witnesses which is what they're really concerned about look bad and we can't have that. You see you can see here how they are all about appearances which I've mentioned before the outward appearance. [00:07:50] They like to talk about a scripture that references whitewashed graves that look good from the outside but inside we're full of dead men's bones and they would apply that outward to other religions. They did a lot of projecting. In reality they often claim things about others that were just as true if not more so within their own call. I was quickly realizing that I needed to look outside for some things. After all this one revelation was changing my worldview. It made me have some compassion for myself for once instead of self-hatred I had to accept that I might not be able to do everything that I wanted to do because I like every human being have limitations. Now that doesn't mean that those limitations have to destroy my life or dominate it. It just means that I might need some coping tools or strategies to manage it. In the end I did end up leaving that 80 forum that I was a member of for so many years at a point I realized that we all play roles in life. Some are the victors some are the victims but your attitude about things impacts your experience. I knew that I couldn't get rid of ADHD but I could better my life with it. A man without arms might not be able to catch a ball in his hands like everyone else. But that doesn't mean that he can't find some way to catch a ball. Humanity seems to find a way if it looks hard enough. Again don't don't take this in a perfectionistic way like what I would have back in the day. [00:09:23] I'm not saying that we can all do everything because we can't but we can all live happy and productive lives even if they aren't exactly everything that we thought we wanted. My goal with this episode is to show you what I learned over the next seven years from audio books and podcasts that changed my perspective that open my eyes and it gave me a new and healthy life. It got me out of this cult mindset away from the dysfunction and the toxic ways of being. [00:09:52] I learn so much and I want to share it because whether you were in a cold or not. This stuff can help everyone. I mean these aren't cults or anti-coal books these are just books and podcasts. I listen to that were healthy for anyone. This is what I learned that turn my life around from a narcissistic suicidal self-loathing guy that was putting on pounds in debt with ease to a person that has empathy for others and acceptance for myself and that has dropped the weight gotten out of that and is actually happy and healthy. [00:10:29] On my website this J.W. life dot com you'll find links to these books and other resources under this particular episode. Episode number 7. They aren't affiliate links. I'm not in the bookselling business or anything here I'm just trying to make this easy on people. If you need help you can find this help that you need as well. We can all learn and grow no matter our lot in life. It is difficult to look back over those years and to figure out exactly in what order I learned these things so I can look through. I have an account with audible dot com which is an Amazon company and see in what order I bought th

49 min
2017-07-16

Episode 6 - Life Gets Dark As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

In this episode you're going to see just how dark things can get as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. You will see my life as a young person growing up, into adulthood, and into my married life. This is a very personal episode and although it will get dark, you will see where the light came from in a very unexpected way that helped us to eventually exit the cult. Resources Mentioned: Driven To Distraction - Edward Hallowell and James Ratey Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:51] So after the last two episodes you should have a good idea of the influences that were put upon me. And of course other Jehovah's Witnesses though obviously when you're young and you're in your formative years these things weigh heavily on your mind and heart. I myself was also always kind of the kid that took things very seriously. It's just the way I'm wired and I pay attention to words and words have always had a lot of meaning to me. For example when I was really little my grandpa told me that he was going to take me to the circus. [00:02:24] He said we're going to have a ball. Well when he showed up without a ball I was crushed. I didn't know what the circus would be like but I thought that he was going to bring a ball and whether it was a baseball or basketball. When those rubber bouncy balls whatever that was always my favorite toy. So he said we'd have a ball. And then he didn't produce one. So as a tiny child I had no frame of reference for this phrase that he used and he had to buy me a ball before we could go to the circus. [00:02:58] So you know take that child. And I guess you know I don't know maybe it was just me. Maybe it's most children that you tell something like that. When reading this propaganda that Jehovah's Witnesses produce. When I was at meetings and it was being fed to me from the platform I took it all in and took it very seriously. After all I was told that this meant my life and my happiness. I've already spoken as to how my life changed when I was eight or nine and my parents became witnesses and things changed at home and at school. And now I've laid out the fog and what I was living in as far as the teachings and the structure of what was expected of us goes. But now I'm going to kind of chart my course as a young Jehovah's Witness growing up into adulthood so that you can see the progression of things. And as promised I'm going to get to an event in 2008 something that just came out of absolutely nowhere that set my life on a different course a much healthier one. I had no clue that that was going to be the beginning of the end for a lot of things for me at that time. As a kid in the creation I took my first steps as a young Jehovah's Witness by going out in the field ministry with my parents at first just accompanying them to the doors and then later I would get a knock on the doors myself and give presentations. [00:04:24] Kids are awesome little weapons for witnesses to use at the door because let's face it who's going to turn away a cute little kid in a suit or a dress that is offering some sort of well at the time it was cheap and now it's free literature. So when you look at it kind of like cements to this child that this door to door ministry thing is actually pretty cool and easy. [00:04:46] People like you and they appreciate you coming to their door when you're cute and you're well-dressed you know they'll look at you and say oh you know look at how well-behaved he is and things like that. You place magazines with them and you feel good. [00:05:05] So then I became an unbaptized publisher. This is where the organization started to get more of a grip on me because you start being able to turn in field service reports of your time and literature placements even though you aren't yet an official baptized Witness. You kind of almost feel like you're cheating. It's like a cheat code. You start feeling like you're the real deal. You meet with two elders in a back room and they ask you a few questions to make sure that you're a morally upright person and that you're you can represent the organization publicly. I'm pretty sure honestly most of the questions probably don't even apply to a little kid. But you know it's a big deal it makes you feel like you're doing something. My parents were still studying with me. I was going to all the meetings developing as a young minister going out publicly declaring the truth. And then I started feeling pressured to get baptized. Now in order to get baptized it's called actually dedication and baptism. So first you're expected to dedicate yourself to God Jehovah in prayer water immersion or baptism is the public symbol that a person has dedicated their life to Jehovah or more accurately Jehovah's Witnesses in prayer. The funny thing is they act like that's between you and God. But in order to get baptized even though you prayed and dedicated yourself to God you first have to go over these baptism questions with three elders in the congregation. They would determine if you are ready for baptism not some prayer between you and God. [00:06:45] So there's a book and in the back of our questions for baptism you pore over these questions reading cited material and scriptures. You have to meet with three elders one for each section to show that you have a working knowledge of the truth and what they want you to have a working knowledge of. Most Jehovah's Witnesses remember who those three brothers were. It's a very personal thing. I remember the three who met with me. However one thing that I remember is that even as a child I realized that I was smarter than some of them and it made me wonder about some things. For instance a good sign that any Jaida of making the truth their own which is another Jehovah's Witness time making the truth your own. Or as I like to call it dub speak for brainwashing and that it's working if you could answer these questions in your own words not from reading from one of their publication that shows that you have made the truth your own well there's one elder in particular that would ask me questions and what I would answer them in my own words he would tell me that I was wrong and then give a simplified version of my answer. [00:08:00] Word for word out of some publication like he didn't get it when I put it in my own words. It was a little disconcerting even as a kid. Here I was basically going for extra credit and it was over his head and he was an elder. I thought I was going to fail and not be able to get baptized because he wasn't the brightest person ultimately though those three brothers got together after going over the questions with me they discussed my worthiness even though I'd already dedicated myself to God in prayer and then they decided what was between me and God was cool with them and approved me in his absence. So [00:08:37] I was able to go get baptized on July 4th 1990 to 14 years old. I was officially baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses at the district convention that summer at Freedom Hall in Louisville Kentucky. It was in front of probably 10 to 12000 people. Scientologists like to talk about their billion year contract or whatever but I just locked in a forever contract between me and Jehovah's witnesses they're going to have a billion years. I call it infinity on it. Things started to change after that. As a baptized brother I was now expected to pray publicly at the meetings to either open or close them as they say a prayer before and after every meeting. So I did that at times. I started getting more talks at the meetings instead of just the bible readings for five minutes. Sometimes I would be given a subject and develop a talk around that subject and give that for five minutes. I forgot to mention this before but after each person gave their talk they were actually graded on it publicly from the platform. By that the Kraddick Ministry School conductor you were always given something to work on like hallways or gestures logical and coherent development and so on. If you didn't do well you would be told to work on it again. Or if you did you'd be given something else to work on. There is always something you could be doing better. [00:10:02] I was given responsibilities in the congregation like handing out magazines that people would order taking orders from people keeping him in story. I'd help my dad count the money that was donated after the meetings to sign off on it before he took it to the bank. I cut the grass at the Keenum hall every few weeks when it was our turn. I clean the Kingdom Hall after field service on Saturdays when it was our turn. When there was a convention we would volunteer to do something at it. Maybe it was cleaning or do some Once we did security at night and kind of like stayed overnight. We never really took vacations. But once or twice I do remember us taking a long weekend to go to unassigned territory to help some congregation out. For those who are unfamiliar with the term that means that some congregations often in rural areas couldn't cover the large area that they had to cover. Maybe they had an entire county or maybe there wasn't even a congregation nearby so groups would form from different congregations and they would go down to these areas that were never hit with our message and we can go on an all out blitz and spread the truth in that area. I guess that was our idea of a vacation. So in addition to meetings three times a week for five hours spending back then probably 10 to 20 hours a month or more knocking on doors and going to school. There were all these other things that I just mentioned that I had to prepare for and do as a young Jehovah's Witness. [00:11:31] Oh and it's so hard to capture all the things that I actually forgot to mention the most important day of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses. It is the memorial of Christ death the one observance that Jehovah's Witnesses have once a y

1 tim 11 min
2017-07-09

Episode 5 - Enter The FOG - The Culture Of Jehovah's Witnesses

The most damaging part of Jehovah's Witnesses is their culture that keeps people held captive to a concept. You will learn about the FOG and BITE models of control in this episode, and how JWs use it specifically. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:51] Last week I went over some of the structure of Jehovah's Witnesses and the general narrative. However that's just a fraction of the story and like I said that isn't even the most damaging part. The culture of Jehovah's Witnesses is where the real story lies. Because what you believe is one thing what you live on a daily basis is an entire different level. [00:02:13] So now I'm going to discuss the call through to cold models that are often used in abusive relationships of any type. First let's dive into the fog fear obligation and guilt if you can get people into the fog. They tend to find it hard to ever see their way out. I'll take this one by one and break down how Jehovah's Witnesses use the fog. With some examples. So let's start with if or fear now. I've already discussed in previous episodes the fear of demons. And obviously that's one pretty big fear. Another fear is the almost paranoia that you are constantly being watched. Jehovah is watching you judging your every move. And he can read your heart and innermost thoughts. So are openly exposed at all times. Satan is watching you. Roving about like a roaring lion seeking to devour someone as they like to quote from scripture. [00:03:15] Now according to them beliefs he can't read your thoughts but he is watching your actions and always studying you looking for a chink in your spiritual armor to exploit every time you go knocking on doors to the grocery school work or anywhere in the world people are watching you. [00:03:35] And we were told that someone likely has seen us before and knows that we are one of Jehovah's Witnesses. [00:03:40] Are you being a good ambassador for Jehovah could whatever you're doing right now bring reproach upon Jehovah's name members of the congregation are watching you to making sure that you stay in line. Your family is watching you. [00:03:58] And of course probably the most damaging of all you are watching you are relentless internal struggle that can be worse than anything. [00:04:08] So this gets us to crime and punishment and the congregation. What if you do slip up what's going to happen. Well it depends on who finds out and how bad it was having sex with someone's wife is different than getting caught watching porn or a movie with some violence in it. So there's a spectrum first. Whatever happened will be reported to the elders through which everything in life has funneled you will then be talked to by two elders. Usually after a meeting in a private room in the back of the Kingdom Hall It's never a good feeling when someone comes up to you and says hey could you come back here I'd like to talk to you about something. [00:04:50] Doesn't matter how big or how small. It's just never a good feeling. I guess it's it's kind of reminiscent of going to the principal's office let's say in school. It's not a good feeling. They're not usually calling you back to tell you how great you are. So when you go back into this room it's usually going to be a fact finding mission. A preliminary investigation of sorts. It might be that what you did was a minor offense and you'll just receive some counsel right then and there. They'll rageous some scriptures and make a big deal out of a minor offense but tell you to do better and how you've disappointed Jehovah right now. If it's a bit major There may be more meetings with those same elders and you could be reproved. This can be done either publicly or privately. Private reproof means that there's no announcement made to the congregation through a talk but maybe you can't do something anymore for a time like raise your hand and comment at the meetings or give a talk from the platform or even go out door to door. Which is funny because they see going door to door does ministry work. They see that as a biblical mandate. Yet somehow they get to take that away. So God is said has commanded that you go do this but if you piss off the wrong person in the organization they can actually take that that right that command that responsibility away from you which is something that never really made sense to me. [00:06:18] Now rest assured that although this proof may be private remember people are watching you so others will notice that you're not commenting or you know your brother or sister or so-and-so I overheard them comment a while. [00:06:32] I haven't seen them give a talker. I don't see them at the meetings for field service so people will be talking and although it's supposedly probably that somebody is going to know something about you. Jehovah's Witnesses are kings and queens of gossip as could be expected from such a small and tight community public reproof usually happened if someone in the congregation knew about what you had done and it was out already. So they have to make a little more public spectacle out of you. They have to let other people know that they're dealing with it. So in addition to whatever limitations of what you could do in the congregation they might give a talk about avoiding whatever it was that you fell into and then people can surmise what you did. That's that's a great thing to do to a human being. If what you did was serious enough you were then put before a judicial committee if you remember it was on a last episode I mentioned. Jehovah's Witnesses have their own judicial process. So in this three elders would determine your fate you would be super detail questions about whatever it was you did about everything they want all of the details. [00:07:46] From what I've heard if it was something sexual they want all of the details who did what. How many times did anyone enjoy it. Did someone climax. What happened. Who who initiated like they would like every detail so they can determine if you were really repentant or sorry for what you had done. Because everything hangs on your repentance you're proving to these men that you are truly sorry. [00:08:19] Now were you just caught up in a moment of passion or was it something willful unplanned. I've read so many stories of this it's truly horrifying. And I think as much as it is these men trying to figure out if you're repentant Honestly I think it a sexually repressed culture. It's dirty old men getting off on the details. And I'm not the only person that think this. It's really very creepy. Now again remember though this doesn't have to be a sexual thing though let's face it. And this community of Jehovah's Witnesses that's often what it is. It could be something like lying stealing. There could have been violence. Maybe somebody was caught out and was drunk and other people saw it. Anything that they deem to be a major sin. You can end up with your fate resting in the hand of three men that you have to go before and plead your case if they find you repentance. [00:09:19] You may be subject to it or that private or public reproof depending on who knows what. If you're found unrepentant you will be disfellowshipped. [00:09:30] And when you are disfellowshipped they will read your name at the next meeting announced the brothers sisters Smith is no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses and then the shining will start and we're talking absolute shunning here. [00:09:44] You are dead to them and they are not to even say a greeting to you even if you're there who your son your daughter your mom your dad your husband your wife they are not to even utter a greeting to you. [00:10:00] Family Sean's family even if you're in the same home there's going to be some degree of shunning though. You know if you have a husband and a wife oftentimes they just you're maybe not supposed to have any spiritual conversations because they don't want that this fellowship person to influence negatively the quote spirituality of the person who's still in the only real reason that witnesses are ever really supposed to talk to you if you're disfellowshipped is what's called quote necessary family business. This is a term that they've coined so you know what exactly that means is left to some degree of interpretation. Essentially they really just don't want you to talk to that other person but there might be some reason for many Jehovah's Witnesses that I've known what that actually means is that the Jehovah's Witness family member can come to you the disfellowshipped person if they need help for whatever reason. So that would be deemed necessary family business. But of course if you needed something from them if the disfellowshipped person were let's say to become homeless they're not going to help you. This is a one way street as far as who gets to determine what necessary family business is. There are often times where these still end Jehovah's Witness maybe needs some money so they go to the disfellowshipped person and ask for money or they need a job or they need just some some thing in life some legality that they need help with they might go and ask the disfellowshipped person for that. But I guarantee you when the disfellowshipped person ends up homeless and ask the witness for something it will be seen as well. [00:11:53] You brought that on yourself. You know you should never left the truth. Your insight and system of things now and whatever happens to you happens. Honestly they're going to kind of hope that you as this disfellowshipped person hit rock bottom because if you do then they're hoping that you'll come crawling back myself after my dad died my mom reached out to me to get me to sign some legal documents for the estate essentially I guess it released whatever it's my mom because she needed that signature but I've never heard from her again. So now let me go ahead and explain. So you'

57 min
2017-07-02

Episode 4 - What Do Jehovah's Witnesses Believe?

What is the hierarchical structure of Jehovah's Witnesses? What happens at those meetings in the Kingdom Hall? How do Jehovah's Witnesses view the world around them and how history has unfolded? What does the future hold according to Jehovah's Witnesses? Are you ready to learn "THE TRUTH"? I'll break all of this down for you in this episode. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:00:01] There are over eight million Jehovah's Witnesses Jay Dubbs or J-ws worldwide. I wasn't born one was introduced to it around the age of 8 or 9 and would spend the next three decades trying to process what I had unwittingly become involved in ultimately leaving and costing me dearly. This J.W. life is my response to the encouragement I've received to write a book about my life. In my story you're going to learn about this called and why refer to it as such rather than as a religion. You're going to see how I went from suicidal and incredibly anxious to free and happy. Why I put on 50 pounds and how I took it off while my wife and I owe the IRS fifty five thousand dollars and how we paid that off in 18 months. And while that wasn't even the biggest win to come from that time there are lessons to be learned here whether you're in a Colts or you're just your average person living life for the SJ doves out there. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and maybe this helps you process your own pain for those who have family that are Jehovah's Witnesses. I hope this gives you a glimpse into what they're both involved in and up against. For those that have no ties I hope this broaden your horizons maybe sheds light on the human experience a little. And if there are any current Jehovah's Witnesses that listen I hope this gives you something you need for wherever you are now in your journey. But in the end I hope you find happiness and peace. [00:01:24] You've been through a lot and you deserve it. I'm not a professional producer. I'm a professional housecleaner. You'll find out why that is. And as well as how it is possible even to save my life later I'm recording this as a podcast as a fitting way of telling my story as it was podcasts and audio books that helped me awaken to the realities of the life I was given as a child and that I tried to live up to for decades including as an adult. [00:01:51] I want to take a minute at the beginning of this to thank everybody that has listened so far. I've had over twelve hundred downloads and that's amazing. I really didn't expect that. I've also had a couple of iTunes reviews and I can't tell you how much that is appreciated. If you enjoy this podcast please leave a positive review on iTunes. It helps with the ranking and the higher the show ranks the more people will find it. My wife and I are doing all we can to promote this but it is hard. I'm not doing this for monetary gain. In fact this cost me each month to keep us posted and online for everyone to access but I know Jehovah's Witnesses though and I want to make it clear that my motives here are pure and not for any personal gain. So if you can leave positive reviews on iTunes please do. If you can share this podcast with others please do. I'm doing this to help people and by doing so you get to help me help others. Again I am not doing this for any monetary gain. I also want you to know that I've appreciated all the messages I've received on my site through sites like Reddit or there's a forum I'm a member of it's called Jehovah's Witness dot com. That's my jam. That's where I started all this in the first place. The first quote apostate web site I ever went on was Jehovah's Witness dot com and that message board helped me a lot. [00:03:19] So I received good messages there I've received messages on Instagram Twitter just all the places. It means a lot to me that people want to share this with me and you know whether it's telling me that they appreciate my story or whether they share some of their own story. [00:03:37] You know I think it's kind of awesome that people want to share. So here's what I'm going to do. I'd like to invite anyone that has questions or wants to tell their story to email me at this. J w life at gmail dot com. Again that's this. J. W life at gmail dot com. You can also go to my Web site at the bottom right of the home page or probably either page. There's a button that shows the email address. If you can't remember this J.W. life at gmail dot com for some reason. If I get enough questions and stories maybe I'll save them up and do an episode entirely devoted to answering your questions. Or [00:04:22] I'd love to tell other people's stories as well if I could do that at the end. [00:04:28] And finally I know I had originally said that I'd put some pictures and such up on my web site and I didn't do that at first because I didn't have time. But upon further review I think I'm going to have to decline that offer with good intention but I have noticed that I have limited photos. Well first of all I do have limited photos that I received before my shining. It's not like I can go ask for more pictures and some of the photographs I have had family members in them and it's not something I'm comfortable doing in relationship to this show to put pictures up like that. I just don't really feel right about it. There is also some issues that I played around with and there were some issues with formatting them for my site. So for now I'm just going to focus on the podcast itself. Getting the message out there and give people like you opportunity to participate by asking questions or sharing your story if you like. But for now I'm just going to back off the possibility of images. All right. Now this next part of the story really overwhelmed me when I was making notes for it last week so overwhelmed me emotionally because I was reliving some ugly parts of my life growing up at home. But this week I want to take you into the beliefs that Jehovah's Witnesses have and how my life as a witness grew out of it and the path that it took. [00:05:56] There was just so much to discuss that this is going to have to be broken up into at least two episodes maybe three depending on how it breaks out. I spent hours just organizing my notes alone on this and trying to make it understandable to those who haven't been there. So what do you know about Jehovah's Witnesses and what they believe. The first thing that usually comes to mind is there those weird people that don't celebrate anything. And obviously you're correct. You've already discussed that or maybe you know that they believe only 144 thousand of them are going to go to heaven. So you know what's that mean for everybody else. I've always heard that question if only 144 thousand go to heaven. Where is everybody else going to go. Kind of limits the playing field if you have the dichotomy of an afterlife that consists of either heaven or hell and you are right. They only believe that one hundred forty four thousand go to heaven. But you know maybe the only thing that you know of Jehovah's Witnesses are those nice people that come to your door and wake you up on a Saturday morning and again you'd be right. However you'd know so little about what Jehovah's Witnesses really teach. Most people really have no clue. There's a lot of information online and on different podcasts and programs about Scientology or Mormons. But there's really not a lot about what Jehovah's Witnesses are really teaching what really goes on in their culture. I have a feeling that you're going to learn some things in this episode that you never knew unless you were at one time one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Again though I'm going to try to approach all of this through the lens of my life experience personally. [00:07:48] Now let's go and talk about that Jehovah's Witness life a little bit. What we believed and then eventually I'm going to take it to the life as me as a child. And then how I grew up through adulthood and into married life to do this. Let me first give you some idea of what the Jehovah's Witness schedule was. I think I've touched on this a little bit before. But remember this is a very performance based cult. So there were things to do and my family did them all. [00:08:21] I want you to understand the basic setup of the congregation the meetings and what we did when we were knocking on doors. This is effectively what my new life as one of Jehovah's Witnesses at the age of eight or nine began to revolve around on Tuesday night. There was the corrugation book study that was typically at an individual's private home. People would volunteer their homes for these books studies. These studies were one hour long in duration and they would alternate what books we would go through we would go through a book about Revelation let's say and then once we went entirely through that book we would go through the Greatest Man book about Jesus and his life. So it was a question and answer session as a lot of these meetings are. And these were small groups usually 10 to 20 people in some congregations maybe they didn't have enough private homes that were volunteered. So they would do these books studies at the corrugations Keenum all Thursday night was the Theocratic Ministry School and the service meeting. This was a two hour meeting. The Theocratic Ministry School was a program designed to help Jehovah's Witnesses be more effective preachers when they were going out door to door it never really made sense to me how some of this was supposed to translate for brothers. [00:09:56] Brothers had talks such as the bible reading where they would get up for five minutes and read a portion of the Bible there's not a lot I don't know about you but going up to somebody's door and reading for five minutes would be kind of awkward. But this is what they did and I understand they just wanted us to be effective readers. There were also other talks especially of course brothers.

44 min
2017-06-22

Episode 3 - Life At Home As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

This episode is heavier than the first two as I delve into the personal life at home in my family of Jehovah's Witnesses. You will learn some of what really went on, as opposed to the appearances that were always kept up, as that is what Jehovah's Witnesses often tend to focus on. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] All right so now let's go and talk about home life not the bugs and such that I mentioned were a problem for me when we first moved but the actual dynamics of our house I'm going to say now that I'm going to try to keep this story as close to the whole Jehovah's Witness narrative as possible. My family was dysfunctional as can be. But I'm going to do what I can to stick to the witness story here not the personal one though obviously they're intertwined. Some parts are going to be necessary to the story and I'll get into those. But out of respect for my family I'll leave a lot of things out that aren't necessarily pertinent to the subject at hand for some reason I still have respect for them even though they're shun me and act like I no longer exist. My goal is to be better than that. As a loving human being something that I've actually been able to become since I left the call. [00:02:45] So let's get to it. I already mentioned that holidays went away. And I believe that last Christmas that I refer to previously was truly my last holiday period. That was it. What the absence of holidays that meant that we no longer saw our extended family much if you think about it. That's actually when everyone usually gets together. I didn't see many of them for decades. In the end they weren't Jehovah's Witnesses and were therefore not really the best Association anyway we could do better. Doesn't that sound horrible. But that's actually how you kind of start to feel the US versus them attitude is a race to the bottom and someone starts being seen as almost inhuman in order to justify the behavior. Us versus Them or paranoia about them being against us is the hallmark of any good cult though. As I stated before I was told that my parents no longer needed an excuse to get me gifts and that I could get them any time not just on specific dates so we didn't need holidays anymore. Well I'll let you guess how many presents I got after that. Even birthdays went away. No celebrations no presents nothing. Speaking of presents let's talk about toys. Things like my GI Joes having guns or weapons on other toys suddenly became an issue. Even water guns are a thing that many Jehovah's Witnesses never have. Toys also aren't supposed to be anything that they might deem spiritist like wizards or sorcerers or ghosts or anything like that. Entertainment suddenly became a big deal as well Joe. [00:04:33] Witnesses aren't supposed to watch anything that might even suggest sexuality violence or obscene language. So you learn to really watch what music you listen to the lyrics and to judge for yourself that liking that song with the great music and lyrics because one line says something that quote Jehovah or God in their eyes won't approve of you start to judge yourself for for what you're drawn to. I remember one talk at the Kingdom Hall about how we should consider that if we wouldn't listen to or watch whatever entertainment it is if Jesus was in the room then we really shouldn't be entertained by it period. This applies to any entertainment videogames as well. We did have games throughout the years but they were usually just sports games for the most part and games like Mario. Things that are fairly innocuous though I guess. Actually if you've got deep enough into the Mario game I'm sure you can find something wrong with it. I borrowed a game that had I had to give back at one time because it was too violent and it was very mild but I don't know maybe you had like an army scene or something like that. We're talking eight in Tendo here so it couldn't have been very graphic or gory. My parents also decided that country music was the only acceptable music they deemed it clean enough to listen to now myself. I love pop and rap music before then leaning toward rap. That's something I always enjoyed. [00:06:10] But that that went away. My parents would no longer let me listen to that. After that it was it was all of my achy breaky heart. So I remember one time my grandparents actually I don't know exactly how old I was but the same mid-teens I remember. [00:06:31] For some reason they had bought me a Walkman or we went out shopping and I bought a Walkman and they paid for it. [00:06:42] But I remember that my mom and dad when I got home and they found out that I had a Walkman. They made me take it back because they quote couldn't know what I was listening to. So again we go back to that level of control over your children. I think it was that last spring that I was talking about on the last episode that needs to be crushed. I had to be controlled. And so even what I listened to in private had to be controlled if at all possible. Again we had to watch anything that could be seen as spirit cystic as well. Like I think Scooby-Doo even though I think it was obviously just someone in a ghost costume that was usually the culprit but things like Scooby Doo with ghosts in it are more notably things like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. [00:07:40] That stuff was seen as being linked with demons so it was out you really weren't supposed to watch those things. In fact there were entire articles in the Watchtower publications devoted to things like that. [00:07:55] So let's talk about demons real quick. Jehovah's Witnesses were often afraid of buying things at yard sales because they might be demon possessed. You know maybe the person who owns that piece of furniture or whatever. [00:08:10] I also had a Ouija board and they they practice that. [00:08:13] And so they invited demons into their house and in demons inhabited this piece of furniture there was actually this is going to sound farfetched but there was actually a story that circulated through many congregations about a smurf doll you see Smurfs weren't really something we were supposed to be watching anyway. I guess I don't remember the narrative of that story. I watched Smurfs when I was little but I guess somehow it was seen as spiritist But regardless the legend was that a child brought a smurf doll purchased at a yard sale to the Kingdom Hall or the witnesses church and this poor kid was about to have to sit through two hours of an indoctrination session aimed at adults. But he brought this also. He could have his little toy as the legend has it the Smurf doll supposedly jumped out of his hands ran up the aisle and out of the Kingdom Hall. Yes. This was actually circulated. And yes grown human adults actually take this seriously and perpetuated the myth. Our next door neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses claimed to have a chair. I think it was a chair that they thought had demons. I remember that once as an adult. My wife and I went to eat dinner with friends an older couple from our congregation. [00:09:45] We were in our thirties. [00:09:48] They were in their let's say 50s. [00:09:53] It was Father's Day it just happened to be Father's Day when we went out to eat and that kind of caused an issue because people were come home the waiters would come by our table and they thought maybe the husband of this other couple was one of either my father or my wife's father. [00:10:12] And so you know of course we can't celebrate Father's Day so there was a little trepidation over all that but this particular restaurant had hired a magician and this magician came by our table and he joked around with this little bit and then he. [00:10:31] He wanted to tell our fortune and he threw down something on the table called Between my wife and I think we've determined it was called a fortune fish. I couldn't honestly tell you what it really was at this point. It might as well have been a live rattlesnake because the couple that we were with Again grown people in their 50s would not touch this fortune fish. It was some sort of little piece of paper or a toy or something. And so my wife seeing that they were completely freaked out. Quickly I reached over grabbed the fortune fish and cooler heads prevailed. But you would have literally thought that they threw a live snake on the table because they were absolutely petrified of this. In fact I remember there was a big thing among Jehovah's Witnesses if you go to a Chinese restaurant will you eat the fortune cookie or not because that's a pretty big deal there. If you read that fortune so demons were a huge scare for us as Jehovah's Witnesses. But think about it as kids we were having this stuffed drum this stuff drummed into our psyches. My parents were studying one of the publications with a family they had met while knocking doors and the family was telling us all kinds of things about how they thought they had demons. And I remember as a kid sitting in their living room while my parents would study with this couple strangers and I would think I saw stuff move in the house obviously it was just confirmation bias. [00:12:08] I'm sure the heating and air conditioning system kicked on some air was blown in the house and some leaves moved on a plant or something and I'm sure I thought that was demans because that's what I had been told. I'll get into more teachings as such in the next sections about my life actually at the kingdom hall meetings as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. But it was applicable to this part of life at home and how things changed. Everything is kind of so intertwined that it's hard to separate these different issues fully in these episodes. Back to our family. Our parents had to start studying the Bible with us each week. Well not the Bible necessarily but one of Jehovah's Witnesses publications and they were supposed to study with us weekly. [00:12:56]

50 min
2017-06-18

Episode 2 - Life At School As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

My life had changed as my parents became Jehovah's Witnesses. This episode deals with my new life at school and how that progressed throughout the years to adulthood. How did I interact with other kids? What was I unable to do anymore? How do Jehovah's Witnesses view education? Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:01:51] So when we left off last time my life was just starting to change. At around eight or nine years old we just moved into a new house next door to Jehovah's Witnesses. I was attending a new school when we were starting to become involved and going to meetings with my mom. Holidays were starting to become an issue because there are a new faith and of course I think I'd mentioned had just about failed the third grade Well both of my parents were now official baptized Jehovah's Witnesses and that is when things started to really change. There's an illustration that Jehovah's Witnesses liked to give from the platform and there talks about a spring and this spring is used to illustrate essentially what a parent child relationship should be like. So if you have a spring and you compress it or crush it down between your fingers and you suddenly let go of that spring what's going to happen the spring is going to fly off uncontrollably in whatever direction. [00:02:49] But if you take that spring and you crush it down and then you gradually release that spring you can control the direction that that spring is released in and that's how they view children you see much like that spring have to be crushed there to be crushed it held down and controlled. And even when they are let go is to be in a controlled manner. Children are there almost like property to have your whatever it is that you exercised upon that child. So what we're going to do right now is take a look at my childhood and see how like that spring I was crushed. Basically the way that we're going to examine this first is through the lens of schooling and what happened at school the very first thing that I faced at school was a huge challenge that all children of Jehovah's Witnesses face the dreaded pledge of allegiance or national anthem. You see Jehovah's Witnesses believe in only pledging allegiance to God. They would never pledge allegiance to or express love for country. They don't believe in nationalism whatsoever. And so as children when going to school and every day we start out with the Pledge of Allegiance. When I was in elementary school or the national anthem as I progressed and got to high school those were ceremonies that I could not partake in. [00:04:31] So if if it came down to children standing and reciting the pledge I could stand and show respect. But I was not allowed to put my hand over my heart or say the pledge. If children were standing for the national anthem and my standing would not stand out as different than I was to sit down. So it really goes to show that what it is it's about being different. It's not about having some specific moral stance that you know this is how Jehovah's Witnesses do it. We were just not supposed to be like the majority. And so my teachers for the most part were accepting of that boundary but there were some over the years that I really didn't like it. And I mean I can't blame them now in retrospect but as a kid that was all I knew. So some gave me a hard time. Some made me stand out in the hallway while all the kids did that so I had to traipse in and out of the classroom in front of everybody. I had one teacher who really got upset and yelled at me and sent me to the counselors office and we had to have a talk with the counselor and then I guess they were afraid of lawsuits or something because of religious freedom so that teacher no longer gave me a hard time. [00:05:57] But you know just put yourself in the position of a small child going to school knowing that every day you're going to start out your day by having to take a stand for your faith. Of course as a child you're going to feel proud of that at a point. But it's it's still going to be awkward. There's just no way around that. And you're always going to feel different. Then there was the issue of holidays. So in school of course we're going to be holiday parties and holiday activities. I wasn't allowed to participate in any of those. So while kids were coloring their picture of a Christmas tree I was given some alternative projects to color while kids were learning Christmas songs. I was given something else to learn. [00:06:52] Or in the case of one music teacher she decided that she wanted me to bring in our songbooks singing praises to Jehovah for Jehovah's Witnesses and I brought in that song book and my teacher looked through it and found a song for me to memorize. It was called a prayer of thanksgiving. I think she thought it had to do with Thanksgiving the holiday. Whatever the case I don't remember her name but I'd like to thank Mrs whatever her name was for furthering my indoctrination and making me memorize one of Jehovah's Witnesses songs. [00:07:27] I wasn't able to even discuss. You know when kids come home or come back to school after being home for the holidays you know they're all excited they're talking about gifts they got they're talking about family things they did and I never had anything to talk about because I didn't have any of that in high school. We were not allowed to attend pep rallies or we were we were highly discouraged the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses has a great way of discouraging things without making direct rules that way they can say well we never said that later and leave enough gray area. [00:08:08] But we all knew what they said and pep rallies were 100 percent discouraged. I did go to some on occasion. Honestly they were quite fun. I loved the pep rallies but it was one of those things where again allegiance or glory these things were only to go to Jehovah God and not to be given to nationalism on a country level. And I guess you can take it all the way down to the high school level. So school school spirit was seen as a bad thing. I and other witnesses would often go to the lunchroom and work on schoolwork during pep rallies as a punishment for not attending. We were monitored and they made sure we didn't have fun or talk. I went to like I said I went through a few pep rallies over the years for big games. They were fun but there was always this twinge of same in the back of my mind for attending I also wasn't allowed to participate in any after school activities. There is a scripture if I remember correctly I think it's first Corinthians 15:33 and it simply says bad associations spoil useful habits. [00:09:28] And if you were not one of Jehovah's Witnesses you were quote bad association. Therefore I couldn't spend time after school associating with other children because they were labeled bad association. It really did impact my high school years because there were things that I wanted to do. For instance I majored in electronics in high school and I wanted to attend some robotics conventions or competitions but I knew I couldn't participate so that was out. Heck even I couldn't even discuss or be there for the class on in biology class and we were discussing evolution. I had to kind of sit that one out as I mentioned before. As far as the association I couldn't really be friends with kids at school anymore I could be friendly but I couldn't really be friends with them. However I was encouraged as all Jehovah's Witnesses children were to use the children as school as my own personal territory and I was encouraged to preach to them. So it wasn't enough just to stand out for all these other reasons. But Jehovah's Witness children are encouraged to see this. This school the classroom the classmates as a field ripe for the harvesting. So we were encouraged to bring our publications or a Bible to school to read these things in the open so that maybe we would draw interest and so that if the opportunity presented itself we could preach to your children or you back in the day so I did start performing better academically. [00:11:25] If you remember I had said that I almost failed the third grade one a fourth grade. I made the honor roll all year A's and B's and the fifth grade I made straight A's and looking back I think that the perfectionistic messages at the meetings were starting to get to me. You see Jehovah's Witnesses like I've mentioned before a very performance driven organization and their doctrines and their speech are very perfectionistic very all or nothing in black and white. Now correlation isn't necessarily causation but in this case the correlation sure does add up to the sudden change in my academic prowess. Now that doesn't mean that all Jehovah's Witness kids excel academically but there must have been something that I had inside of me that was triggered during that time. And honestly I have always struggled with perfectionism thereafter thereafter I managed to stay on the honor roll for most of middle school and high school. I finished as a salutatorian with a 3.9 6 GPA and yeah I had one B in those four years. I'm still bitter over that to some degree because I was supposed to take geometry class before algebra 2 but the advanced geometry class was full so I was put into the Advanced Algebra II class and it is based on geometry. So I kind of came in last but I managed to catch up and squeak to be out of it. But I still kind of wish I could have gotten straight A's through all of high school. While we're on the subject let's go ahead and look at the role of education in the cult. [00:13:08] Jehovah's Witnesses see education as a means to an end a governmental requirement. If nothing else college is highly discouraged the cult will boast of the academic achievements among their members. And yes there are lawyers and doctors among the ranks but what they are and what they are never going to tell you is that those

32 min
2017-06-18

Episode 1 - Life Before Jehovah's Witnesses

In my opening episode I explain what life was like up until the age of 8 or 9 when my parents became Jehovah's Witnesses. In order to understand how much life changed, it can help to understand where I came from. Direct Download Here [expand title="Click Here To Show Transcript"] [00:00:01] There are over eight million Jehovah's Witnesses Jay Dub's or J-ws worldwide. I wasn't born one was introduced to it around the age of eight or 9 and would spend the next three decades trying to process what I had unwittingly become involved in ultimately leaving and costing me dearly. This J.W. life is my response to the encouragement I've received to write a book about my life. In my story you're going to learn about this called and why refer to it as such rather than as a religion. You're going to see how I went from suicidal an incredibly anxious to free and happy. Why I put on 50 pounds and how I took it off while my wife and I owed the IRS fifty five thousand dollars and how we paid that off in 18 months. And while that wasn't even the biggest win to come from that time there are lessons to be learned here whether you're in a cult or you're just your average person living life for the SJ doves out there. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and maybe this helps you process your own pain for those who have family that are Jehovah's Witnesses. I hope this gives you a glimpse into what they're both involved in and up against. For those that have no ties I hope this broaden your horizons maybe sheds light on the human experience a little. And if there are any current Jehovah's Witnesses that listen I hope this gives you something you need for wherever you are now in your journey. But in the end I hope you find happiness and peace. [00:01:24] You've been through a lot and you deserve it. I'm not a professional producer. I'm a professional housecleaner. You'll find out why that is. And as well as how it is possible even to save my life later I'm recording this as a podcast as a fitting way of telling my story as it was podcasts and audio books that helped me awaken to the realities of the life I was given as a child and that I tried to live up to for decades including as an adult. [00:01:54] So today we're going to talk about my childhood before my family became Jehovah's Witnesses up until I was around the age of eight. I'll give you a warning up front this part of my life is a collection of somewhat disconnected memories and this feels a little bit choppy in places. That's why it's kind of hard to remember that far back. And at this point in my life it's not like I have family to to help build a story around. So it will hopefully become more conversational as we get into more solid memories. But this first part is important. It shows what life was like for me in the beginning of my life. Maybe some of you will find a throwback in here for something you remember as a kid. In the end you can't appreciate the change in my life without first knowing what it started out to be. So you know as a kid started out normally. I was a little boy. I like Spiderman. I like the Incredible Hulk. I remember watching Dukes of Hazzard and playing with my GI Joes. I had a few friends that I remember going to their house and playing with some kids probably from school. I can remember going over their houses and playing although I love toys all I actually ever needed in my life was a ball to give me a ball so it against something. I'll roll it though to myself I could play all day. That's all I ever needed. And sports were a huge thing to me. [00:03:17] We lived in the same neighborhood as my grandparents probably maybe two three blocks away. So there were. We were a pretty close family. We could just walk over there at any time if we wanted. I remember holidays I remember going trick or treating in my neighborhood. I have no idea. Cannot tell you what I dressed like. But whatever it was it was fun. I remember getting buckets full of candy and who doesn't like that Thanksgiving was another holiday that I remember being a lot of fun. We would go to my uncle and aunts house on my dad's side. And you know obviously the family would come. I even had a grandma who lived in Georgia. We called her granny and we'd eat and watch football play outside with my cousins. It was a good time. For Christmas we go to my grandparents house on my mom's side. I remember they give us catalogs when we were little and we were supposed to go through them and you know look at toys and circle whatever it was. I guess I don't know if I believed in Santa. I guess I did. So whatever we want to Santa to bring I guess he shopped at Service Merchandise. So we'd circle those and you know see what he would get. [00:04:33] I remember that when we went over to their house there was lots of good food and cookies and sweets always had a sweet tea. Those who know me know that. [00:04:44] So we would go over there. My aunt and uncle on that side of the family would be there and their kids and they would come all the way down from Michigan and it was just it was just fun to have family. I think there were some other people who would show up maybe some first cousins or something at different times of my life. I can't remember but that's I never really had I guess much of a connection before. We were kind of kind of left our families behind a little bit. Anyway I remember Saturday morning cartoons I remember getting up watching cartoons without a care in the world. Saturday morning cartoons were awesome. I remember coming home from school and there were cartoons I remember. I think there were those after school specials. I probably watched those as well. At the house that we lived in we had a creek behind it. Go back there and play a lot of times like any kids you know. I always wonder what was in the holes around the creek and I'm sure I stuck sticks in there and who knows what I bothered doing. I remember that I had a sandbox the sandbox was awesome. What kid doesn't love that. I remember one time obviously I was playing with the ball in the backyard it rolled next to a tree and there was a garter snake wrapped around the tree and of course I reached down for the ball saw the snake and thought I was going to die. [00:06:11] Who does it. It's a snake. [00:06:14] We had a dog named is a collie. For some reason we gave him away. All I remember is that he he liked to eat the backyard. And so our grass soon became a bit. Life was awesome. The only thing that that really created a change in our life was my dad and his job prospects. He never was the kind of person who could really go out and get a job. He always struggled with that. Someone found him a job he would do it. He loved he would go work. He was a hard worker and an honest guy but he wasn't exactly what one would define as a go getter. So he worked at Brown and Williamson here in Louisville Kentucky had apparently that was a really good place to work when the company moved to Georgia. His mom worked there. So I don't know. I'm assuming that had some influence in how he got the job in the first place given his track record in the future. But anyway so the company moved. He chose not to move with it. I think he married my mom at that time and stayed here and so what started as a good job to kind of change because when that company left. All I know is that he bounced around a little bit. He worked at U.P.S. for a while worked at General Electric which was a pretty good job but they laid him off. And so ultimately being laid off from these jobs. There was a time at which we had to. We had to make a change. [00:07:54] The finances just won't allow us to continue living there. So we moved in the middle of the school year. I was about seven years old. So that would have been the second grade. I remember when we moved to the new school I remember a teacher leading me down the what seemed like cavernous court or two to my new class. [00:08:19] I had to be taken in front of the class and introduced everybody and I just wanted to disappear and die. I've always I've not I'm not a person who likes to be in front of a lot of people. I am not an extrovert by any means. So actually me just doing this is kind of out of the ordinary for me. I'm trying to push myself to do something new here despite you know you know the second great change you know that was nothing compared to what was about to happen in my life. For one thing I remember our new house had some issues I think unbeknownst to my parents our new house was infested with roaches. We had a neighbor who on one side of us who don't know his backyard was kind of horny. There were a lot of TV parts and appliances and things back there and it wasn't the greatest. I don't know if that helped lead to the infestations that probably went through our whole neighborhood or if it was just the fact that we had old houses. But regardless I remember the roaches I remember laying there at night watching roaches crawl on the wall and hoping that they wouldn't come visit me on my bed. I remember my mom would go and get this. I don't know some sort of Wiccan chemical stuff to try to deal with. I remember the term German roaches being thrown around. So maybe that's what we had. [00:09:48] But I know that once the chemical is put down we had mutated disgusting terrifying roaches that kind of kind of upped the ante and raised it to the next level. Ultimately that problem was that pest was eradicated and we moved on. Apparently I've been told by my parents that there was a story where I kept telling them there was something in my bed and I'm sure they thought it was a monster like you know all kids have little little dreams about those kinds of things or nightmares. But once they found the mouse droppings they realized there was actually a problem. So that that was another problem how sad. And then her problem also had cave crickets. And if you don't

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Episode 10 - Announcing "shunned"

Episode 9 - Let's Send This Thing Out Right - Where We Ended Up

Episode 8 - Get Out Of Her, My People - It All Comes Tumbling Down

Episode 7 - Getting Healthy and Waking Up

Episode 6 - Life Gets Dark As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

Episode 5 - Enter The FOG - The Culture Of Jehovah's Witnesses

Episode 4 - What Do Jehovah's Witnesses Believe?

Episode 3 - Life At Home As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

Episode 2 - Life At School As One Of Jehovah's Witnesses

Episode 1 - Life Before Jehovah's Witnesses

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