Parenting Without Power Struggles

Susan Stiffelman

Susan Stiffelman is a family therapist, parent coach, and one of the country's premiere parenting experts, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence (an Eckhart Tolle edition.) Susan's podcasts feature conversations with guests including Dr. Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Dr. Kristen Neff, Dr. Mona Delahooke, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Jane Goodall, Jack Kornfield, Martha Beck, and many others.

  1. 42 min ago

    4:4 The Perfectionist, Controller & People Pleaser: Your Manager Parts Explained

    Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, introducing "manager" parts. A healthy manager keeps life running smoothly, but when driven by old fears or insecurities, it can tip into perfectionism, control, or people-pleasing, often at a cost to our peace and our relationships. Susan explains why these parts formed, and why the path forward is curiosity, not judgment. How managers that run on fear form in childhood, often in unpredictable or conditional-love environments. Examples of perfectionist, controller, over-planner, and people-pleaser managers in everyday parenting moments. Why an overworked manager can "run out of steam" — often exactly when a firefighter part steps in to take over. Transcript here

  2. 6 days ago

    4:3 Calming Rage With IFS: Helping Protective Parts Relax

    Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, exploring how "firefighter" parts trigger intense reactivity, rage, and regrettable parenting moments. She explains that parents often fixate on what went wrong and overlook what went well — a result of the brain's survival-based negativity bias, which fuels shame and discouragement rather than change. Susan describes why firefighter parts need consistent proof that a grounded, wise Self ("Captain of the ship") can handle hard moments without escalating, and how logging small successes helps those protective parts relax their grip over time. In this episode, you'll learn: Why your brain is wired to magnify threats and mistakes Why understanding a reactive pattern intellectually isn't enough to change it — protective parts need proof, not insight. How a moment as small as catching yourself and stepping out of the room counts as real evidence of change — not a near-failure. Transcript available here Chapters: 00:00 Welcome and Recap 02:12 Why Negatives Stick 03:55 Survival Brain Bias 05:36 Firefighters and Self 11:06 Build Proof With Wins 14:36 Daily Five Wins Homework 18:32 Small Steps and Growth 19:57 Coaching and Wrap Up

  3. 13 Aug

    4:2 Blindsided by Rage: An IFS Look at Firefighter Parts

    div]:bg-bg-000/50 [&_pre>div]:border-0.5 [&_pre>div]:border-border-400 [&_.ignore-pre-bg>div]:bg-transparent [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8"> _*]:min-w-0 gap-3 [&_>_*:last-child]:mb-0 print:block print:[&_>_:where(:not(:first-child))]:mt-3 standard-markdown"> In this episode, Susan explores what Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls "firefighter" parts — protective parts that flood in with fast, intense reactions like rage, trying to put out old emotional pain, often at a cost to the relationship. She explains why these reactions aren't really about your child's behavior, and why healing them doesn't require your child to change first — using a real coaching conversation as an illustration along the way. In this episode, you'll learn: What a firefighter part is in IFS, and why intense, "zero to sixty" reactions are often this part protecting an old, tender wound — not a reflection of your character as a parent. How to recognize the moment a firefighter part has "hijacked" you, and why simply noticing it is the first and most powerful step. Why healing this pattern doesn't just improve your relationship with your child — it breaks a cycle that would otherwise pass down to the next generation. Full episode transcript available here

  4. 8 Aug

    4:1 Calm, Confident, Clear: Anchoring to Your Wise Self

    In this episode, Susan introduces the core idea behind Internal Family Systems and what it means for parenting: beneath our anxiety, anger, and overwhelm is a calm, confident "Wise Self" — the steady part of us that functions as the Captain of the ship for our kids. When our children act out, it's a protective part of us that takes over, not our true Self. Why our reactive outbursts ("I didn't mean to say that!") come from protective parts, not our Wise Self. How old wounds get reactivated by our kids' behavior, fueling out-of-proportion reactions. Why the real work of parenting isn't finding the perfect script, but learning to stay anchored to our calm, "captain of the ship" Self. Transcript available at this page

  5. 9 Apr

    1: 71 Encore episode: A Conversation With Dr. Kristin Neff

    In this conversation, Susan and Dr. Kristin Neff talks about the importance of cultivating both fierce and tender self-compassion, offering specific practices that parents can easily use when they're feeling overwhelmed, angry, or simply being hard on themselves. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episode-kristin-neff/

  6. 2 Apr

    1:79 Co-Parenting with a Narcissist, with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

    In this episode, Susan talks with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of author of the new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, as well as the books Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How To Stay Sane In An Era Of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Susan and Dr. Durvasula discuss difficulties, grief and legal challenges associated with co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episodes-ramani-durvasula/

  7. 25 Mar

    2:10 Five Principles of Parenting with Aliza Pressman

    Susan talks with Dr. Pressman about the five guiding principles for raising a good human: relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. They stress the importance of being a "good enough" parent, rather than striving for perfection, and emphasize that imperfection is a natural part of being human. http://pages.susanstiffelman.com/aliza-pressman-podcast-episode

  8. 17 Mar

    3:48 The Uncomfortable Path to Resilience

    Resilience isn't a trait kids either have or don't — it's something they build through repeated experiences of feeling hard emotions and getting through them, with a present and steady parent by their side. In this episode, Susan Stiffelman, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, and Dr. Laura Markham explore why our instinct to fix our children's disappointment can actually work against us — and what to do instead. What "brain reps" are and why your child's meltdowns are actually opportunities in disguise Why the urge to fix your child's distress can communicate the opposite of what you intend Why emotion coaching — not problem solving — is the essential first step toward resilience Show notes and transcript available here

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About

Susan Stiffelman is a family therapist, parent coach, and one of the country's premiere parenting experts, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence (an Eckhart Tolle edition.) Susan's podcasts feature conversations with guests including Dr. Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Dr. Kristen Neff, Dr. Mona Delahooke, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Jane Goodall, Jack Kornfield, Martha Beck, and many others.

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