What does a traditional Afghan or Pakistani Muslim actually believe happens in heaven? Not the sanitized Western or progressive version — the classic one drawn from the Hadith and mainstream interpretations. Malcolm and Simone dig into the details: every believing man gets at least two wives (with no upper limit tied to piety), no woman in paradise is ever without a sister-wife, houris (created beings often described in highly physical terms), infinite sexual stamina, controllable pregnancy and aging for children born in heaven, the absence of bodily waste, the majority-female population of hell according to reports of Muhammad’s night journey, and the young male servants who attend the righteous. They also cover the process of death, the period in the grave, the immediate entry of prepubescent children, and the extremely graphic punishments of Islamic hell.The conversation then compares these beliefs to Mormon spirit-world ideas, traditional Christian heaven, and the Collinses’ own techno-puritan framework — examining how different afterlife incentives shape behavior toward spouses, non-believers, long-term civilization, and personal morality. Want to dive deeper? Check out this episode’s companion page on the Techno-Puritan website. :) Episode Transcript Hello, Simone. I’m excited to be here with you today. Today we are going to learn what Muslims believe happens in heaven, and here I do not mean Western Muslims or apologist Muslims. I wanted to get an understanding of what your standard - Afghani man, Pakistani man would believe is going to happen to them after they die, and it is way crazier than you think, and it reframes for me why Muslims in Islamic culture and far progressive culture get along so well. What? Uh. You’re like... So first, just a few to throw out some crazies here. Okay. If I were to convert to Islam- Okay ... when I die, you would believe and I would believe that I get at least one additional wife. No- And I’m s- I’m okay with that allegedly ... no Muslim man in heaven has fewer than two wives. So wait, wait, wait. If I, an Islamic woman, a believer, choose to marry a man I know that I’m gonna have a sister wife in heaven, at least Absolutely. There is no getting around it. And- Unless he goes to hell. Do I get a sixth one? No, no, no, no. Even if he goes to hell, you, when you get to heaven, get married to a believing Muslim man as an extra one of his wives, and he will have at least two wives. Wait, hold- oh. No woman in heaven is in a relationship with a man withou- out a sister wife. So you can’t be a female single in heaven? Not allowed. You’re not allowed to be single in heaven? Not allowed to be single. And if a woman’s like, “But what if I don’t want that? Like, what if I get jealous?” What Muslims believe is a satisfying answer is, well, God just brainwashes you into being okay with it. So- ... you don’t even know. Which is cool. Everyone’s kind of poly in heaven. It’s fine. He, He, He, he messes with your brain so that you no longer experience jealousy. And- Everyone belongs to everyone else. Yeah, no, it really does feel like one of those scary, like the faculty or something like that where I think too an American mindset, especially like a backwards American mindset, if somebody comes to you and they’re like, “There’ll be no pain.” “There’ll be no suffering. There’ll be no...” And it’s like, but it’s not me anymore. Right. It’s something else. Yeah. It’s a pod person. It is so much better. There’s no fear or pain. It’s beautiful. And you We’ll be beautiful. No problems or worries. We want you. No pain, Stan? We’re gonna come in here and I’ll show you some f*****g pain! So you’re gonna kill me is what you’re trying to say. Yes. Other crazy facts about heaven. Okay. Well, the number of additional wives I get. So the crazy thing is if, if you help me be an extra good Muslim man- Okay the better I am as a Muslim man, the better you make me as your, my wife, the more additional wives you need to deal with. Oh, man. And the, the 72 wives that martyrs get- Right ... you could get way over 72 wives. Oh. It’s said that some men live in tents where there’s so many women that you can’t- Wait. All you get in heaven is a tent? name them all. Are, is this a FEMA heaven? What, what is this? Yeah, I’d ... It’s a, we’ll get to it. It’s weird. Oh, another thing. You can have babies in heaven. And- Oh, no ... you can have a baby, and you can make the gestation whatever lengths you wish. So you could make the gestation a day if you wanted to. Okay. You could make the gestation a week if you wanted to, and then you could have them age at any speed you want So there are no diapers in heaven if you don’t want them. Okay. Oh, well, also all of your uncleanness. You don’t menstruate anymore. I think you don’t pee or poo anymore. Oh. No pooping in heaven. But what’s really interesting about these babies born in heaven- Okay ... that gets me is they have human souls. Like, they are actual human-souled babies, but they don’t have to go through the trials that God made all of the rest of humanity go through- Oh ... to get into this heaven, which seems- So it’s just- Why did we all have to go through it and these souls don’t have to go through it? It seems bizarre and unfair. Yeah. But- Hmm ... then again, these people... Oh, another fun one about women in heaven. Okay. So Muhammad said that when he went to hell, he saw many more women in hell than men. Hell was majority female. And when he came out- Hell is female. That’s... ... he saw far fewer females. So, you know, straight up- No, how is that po- ... misogyny There cannot be far fewer females because every man has all these wives. Well- This is mathematically impossible ... hold on, because a lot of these wives might be hurers, or hur- hu- hur- Hurers? It sounds like w****s, okay? But it’s spelled like H-U-R-O something. The point being- From now on, we need to spell w****s that way ... is they are constructed beings that are not fully human. And they are meant to look like y- young, beautiful maidens. I- So they’re sex bots. You have sex bots in heaven. They are sex bots, yeah, and the Hadith spends a lot of time talking about, like, how nice their breasts are and that, They’re, they’re real dolls. They are real dolls in heaven. You, no, you as a man get infinite stamina for sex. Explicitly it says, “Infinite stamina for sex.” Wait, I thought... This is one of the circles of hell. This is, this is lust. Why are we lust maxing in heaven? Well, actually, this is the point I’m gonna get to. It made me realize that Islam is, above all else, a max hedonism religion. Yeah, no kidding. Like, I mean- No other religion is like, “Yeah, you get all the sex bots you want in heaven.” Right? Like, you- Even like, “Well, don’t worry. In heaven, you’ll be stripped of this licentiousness and these, these basal drives. You can rise above.” And, and- Yeah, no ... with Islam, they’re like, “Don’t worry. The entire point of all of this is to be super freaking hedonistic.” It’s infinite heaven sex, and then- Oh my God ... then you have all the babies you want. This is... Well, what kind of... I mean, that’s the... Ugh. I, I’m speechless I’m actually this is where I think it, it works pretty interesting with techno puritanism No, no, no Because- The twain shall never meet. I’m seeing that we are incompatible N- well, hold on, hold on. You might think we’re more compatible than you would think Okay. Sure. Explain this to me So within the techno puritan afterlife we haven’t done our full afterlife tract series yet, but I do have the research notes for it, because I’ve been doing a lot of research on it recently. And people know we think that you’re going to be raised again into a new body, and that that body will likely, because it’s described in the Bible as being neither physical nor spiritual, likely some form of simulation in an artificial environment that’s given. And so the question w- is, is what are those environments like? And we know that some people are given work in heaven, and some people reign over others in heaven, and some people reign over cities in heaven. And so what does that mean? And so what it could mean is that heaven is sort of like a tiered system. It’s very clear that souls are tiered in traditional Christian heaven, and so in techno puritan heaven, yes. This is our weird belief system for people who do not know. But what, because it says that some people can be like angels, we would think, well, some people, if you’re, like, good enough in this series of simulations, you leave the simulation and you reenter future society, potentially as an AI on a spaceship or something like that, or either in, like, a humanoid body or whatever- Yeah form the world has taken at that point. But Muslims would be forever trapped, even the good ones, in their heaven, and never brought into the real world again, because what they cared for more than anything was an afterlife of pure hedonism. And so their souls are permanently trapped in hedonistic simulations. Which is what they wanted anyway, so it’s not like we’re doing anything bad to them. You know, they, they did all of this so they could get the hedonistic simulation. But hold on. I’ve, I’ve... Big deviant here. I haven’t mentioned the young boys yet. You also get, Oh, I should talk more about the houris. So the, these things in heaven now some Muslims believe that every truly believing Muslim male gets at least two real women in heaven, and then they get houris on top of that. Whereas others think... And the math on that just doesn’t make sense. There’s no way you could have every true believing Muslim man get two women, and men are more righteous than women. That, that, that just doesn’t make sense. There’s slightly more wo