Am I The Problem?

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Channel • 2 Shows

Mental Health

Mental Health

Updated Weekly
Mental Health

Mental Health

Updated Weekly

1d ago

1. He Didn’t Sign Up For A Fat Wife. Am I Being Oversensitive?

A listener overhears her husband telling a room full of men he wishes she would lose weight, because he “didn’t sign up for a fat wife”. She says nothing until they get home. He turns on her for eavesdropping, then collapses into how much he hates himself, and she ends the night comforting him. Four weeks later he does it again while she is cooking dinner, and adds that she is going to make the children fat too. She has written in asking whether she is being oversensitive, because she has put on weight, and because he says he is only worried about her. In this episode Helen works through what is actually happening in that pattern: why being overheard is not eavesdropping, why “I didn’t sign up for a fat wife” is a punchline rather than concern, and why a sorry that arrives after the anger has failed is doing the same job the anger was doing. Covered in this episode: Deflection, or what is colloquially called DARVO, and how it moves the argument onto you Compassionate empathy, and how your own empathy gets turned into the thing that silences you Intermittent reinforcement, also called breadcrumbing, and why “he isn’t like that all the time” is a description of the mechanism rather than a defence Moral justification, and the test that separates real concern from a licence to criticise What an apology is actually worth, where intent matters, and what repair looks like when someone genuinely slips Why “oversensitive” is a change of subject, and who has no business deciding the size of your hurt The peacekeeper role, weaponised incompetence, and the cost of keeping someone else’s peace Four questions to ask yourself if you are not sure whether you are self-invalidating Helen covers DARVO and how to respond to it in more depth in episode 1 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub. Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening. Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/ The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk If anything in this episode is close to home and you need support in the UK, Refuge runs a 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, and Men’s Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. In an emergency, always 999.
11/12/2025

32. The Hardest Thing About Going No Contact with Harriet Shearsmith

To be on the show please apply here: ⁠⁠https://hub.liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast-applicationIn this conversation, Helen is joined by author, coach and trainee psychotherapist Harriet Shearsmith to explore the emotional landscape of going no contact with a parent. Through listener questions, they speak to the grief that comes with choosing distance, particularly the longing for the parent you never truly had and the ache of not having a senior adult to lean on when life feels heavy.Harriet reflects on growing up enmeshed and responsible for her mother’s feelings, and how difficult it can be to recognise your own needs when you were raised to anticipate and absorb everyone else’s. Together, they discuss the pain of losing not just a parent but the version of safety and care you hoped they could provide, and the quiet courage it takes to build that safety elsewhere.This episode holds space for the anger, the sadness and the relief. It is a thoughtful and validating conversation about boundaries, grief and the slow work of becoming your own safe place.Grow, connect and thrive with a free 7-day trial of The Hub: ⁠⁠https://liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
12/03/2025

35. How Do I Heal From a Friend's Betrayal?

In this episode, Helen sits with Evie as she unravels the painful chain reaction that followed the betrayal of a long-term friend. What began as a rupture in a twenty one year friendship opened the door to something much older. Memories of a childhood shaped by a narcissistic mother, the loss of her father, and years spent surviving rather than becoming herself. The fallout has stirred insomnia, nightmares and flashbacks, as well as a grief for the identity she feels she never had the chance to form.Together they explore how familiar patterns repeat in friendships and relationships, why suppressed trauma can erupt when a safe person is lost, and what it means to rebuild trust from the inside out. The conversation looks at anger, self blame and the longing to be understood, and it gently shifts the focus from the behaviour of others to the power Evie has to choose herself now. It is an honest and reflective dialogue about identity, boundaries and beginning again after years of being shaped by someone else’s story.If you would like to be a guest on The Liberation Effect, you can apply for one of our limited therapeutic sessions recorded for the podcast. Your identity is fully protected, and only twelve sessions are published each year: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/recorded-session-application/Grow, connect and thrive with The Hub: ⁠⁠https://liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Jan 7

39. Leaving With No Resources

In this solo episode, Helen responds to a listener who feels at breaking point in a relationship shaped by chronic stress, emotional withdrawal and fear. With two young children in the home, she explores the weight of being expected to absorb a partner’s distress, manage the emotional atmosphere, and question your own character for reacting to behaviour that feels unsafe. Losing patience is often framed as a personal failing, but this episode challenges that belief directly, reframing it as a signal that boundaries have been crossed for too long. Helen unpacks the difference between explanation and excuse, especially when stress is used to justify shutting down, lashing out or emotionally disappearing. She speaks to the impact on children, the danger of walking on eggshells, and how childhood trauma can make people more likely to self blame rather than name harm. The episode also addresses financial fear, preparation rather than panic, and the importance of protecting emotional safety without minimising reality. This is a compassionate exploration of accountability, patterns, and the right to stop tolerating what hurts. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Jun 24

6. Am I Protecting Myself Or Punishing Them?

You leave a conversation because you’re overwhelmed. You stop replying because you need space. You take a break from someone who’s hurting you. And then the guilt arrives. Not because you’re worried about the relationship. Because you’re worried you’ve just become the person who hurt you. If you grew up around withdrawal, silent treatment, emotional punishment, or unpredictable communication, it can become incredibly difficult to tell the difference between protecting yourself and punishing someone else. This episode explores why so many survivors struggle to trust their own exits, how neurodivergent overwhelm can complicate conflict, and why two behaviours that look identical on the outside can be completely different underneath. Resources mentioned: Research on stress and verbal processingResearch on threat prediction and conditioned responsesFunctional analysis and behavioural psychology Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores the behavioural science underneath silence, withdrawal, and conflict responses, including the difference between conditioned reactions and learned behaviours, and why understanding that distinction changes everything. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Jul 29

11. Conflict Or Control?

Someone says, “Can we talk about something?” Before they’ve even finished the sentence, your stomach drops. You’re already apologising, defending yourself, or preparing for the relationship to end. If conflict was used to shame, silence, or control you growing up, your nervous system may never have learned the difference between disagreement and danger. In this episode, Helen explores why healthy conflict can feel so threatening, why many people either avoid difficult conversations or assume every disagreement is catastrophic, and how ADHD, autism, and childhood conditioning can make conflict even harder to navigate. Resources mentioned: Research on emotional regulation in ADHDResearch on operant conditioning and learning Go deeper: This week’s companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores why recovery after conflict can take so much longer for some people, what your nervous system is doing after the conversation has ended, and practical ways to shorten that recovery. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Jul 22

10. When Green Flags Feel Red

You meet someone who’s kind, consistent, and genuinely interested in you. They reply when they say they will. They don’t play games. They don’t leave you guessing. And somehow... it doesn’t feel right. If you grew up in a toxic environment, your brain may have learned to treat unpredictability as love and kindness as something to be suspicious of. This episode explores why healthy relationships can feel strangely flat, why emotional intensity is so often mistaken for chemistry, and how early experiences can distort the way you recognise safety, connection, and love. Resources mentioned: Research on intermittent reinforcement and conditioningResearch on intimate partner violence and neurodivergenceResearch on identity and healthy relationship development Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores why a strong sense of identity is one of the biggest protective factors against abusive relationships, including how identity develops, what disrupts it, and why rebuilding it changes the way you recognise healthy relationships. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Jul 15

9. The Fear Of Becoming Your Parent

You promised yourself you would never be like them. You would never make your child feel the way you felt. So you do the opposite. You soften every hard edge, struggle to say no, and panic when your child is disappointed in you. But what if trying so hard not to become your parent is still letting them shape the way you parent? If you grew up in a toxic family, you may have no reliable benchmark for what healthy parenting actually looks like. This episode explores the parenting pendulum, why fear can push you towards permissiveness, rescuing, hypervigilance or repeating the very patterns you wanted to escape, and how to find the middle ground between control and fear-led parenting. Resources mentioned: Research on conditioning and learned behaviourChild development and age-appropriate expectationsResearch on rupture, repair, and relational safety Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores how much of what your child does is actually about you, including why your child’s behaviour can trigger reactions that belong to your own childhood and how to separate the child in front of you from the child you once were. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
Aug 5

12. A Work In Progress

You’ve spent the last 12 weeks learning how your patterns formed, how they show up, and how they affect your relationships. And if you’re anything like the brains I work with, there’s a part of you that’s been keeping score. Noticing every time you apologised for existing.Every time saying no felt difficult.Every time you slipped back into something you thought you’d already worked through. And quietly deciding that you’re still the problem. If you were taught that your worth was conditional, it makes sense that you’d measure yourself against perfection. But that standard was never designed to be fair, it was designed to keep you safe. In this final episode, Helen brings the whole season together, exploring why progress isn’t about never repeating a pattern, but noticing it sooner, responding differently, and learning to do that without turning it into evidence against yourself. Because healthy doesn’t mean perfect. It means faster awareness, and more kindness when you get it wrong. Resources mentioned: Research on conditional self-worth and perfectionismResearch on shame and behaviour change Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
May 20

1. You Don't Know What You Actually Feel

Someone asks how you feel and you deliver a flawless twelve-minute analysis of everyone else’s motivations. Or you say “fine.” Or you get nothing at all, just a blank where the answer should be. If you grew up in a toxic family and your brain is wired differently, there are specific, mechanical reasons why identifying your own emotions is so difficult. This episode takes that apart. Helen explains the three layers that stack on top of each other to produce this: alexithymia (a processing difference found at significantly higher rates in autistic and ADHD populations), trained emotional suppression from growing up in an environment where having feelings was punished, and the maintenance cycle that keeps the whole thing running on autopilot. She covers the research (Kinnaird, Stewart & Tchanturia on alexithymia prevalence in autism; Donfrancesco et al. on ADHD; Murphy & Brewer on interoception and emotional awareness) and explains why the standard advice doesn’t work for non-standard brains. The Rewire section offers four sequential strategies designed for brains that forget things, find social scripts impossible, or don’t process internal experience visually: body-state check-ins, pattern mapping, retroactive emotional identification, and vocabulary expansion. With specific adaptations for ADHD and autistic processing. This episode is first in the season because everything else depends on it. Resources mentioned: Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions The Feelings Wheel (Geoffrey Roberts) Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? takes the interoception piece from today’s episode and goes much further: how interoception works and doesn’t, why it presents differently in ADHD versus autistic brains, and what to do about it when standard body-based approaches assume a type of processing you don’t have. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe

Answering listener's questions about dealing with narcissistic or toxic people, managing or parenting ADHD and autism. If you have a question for Helen submit it here: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/ Helen Villiers is a psychotherapist with ADHD and co-author of You're Not The Problem. Is This A Thing? is the paid for companion episode and goes deeper into concepts mentioned in the main episode.

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Mental Health

You grew up neurodivergent in a toxic household. Now you can't tell if you're the problem, if you're overreacting, or if the thing you're upset about is even a thing. You apologise for existing, you can't say no without a panic attack, and you genuinely don't know what you want for dinner. Am I The Problem? is a podcast answering listener questions about their toxic or narcissistic parent, partner, friend or colleague; as well as questions about autism, ADHD, and parenting; or all at the same time! If you have a question you want Helen to answer go to https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/ to do so. Helen Villiers MA is a psychotherapist with ADHD and co-author of You're Not The Problem. She specialises in adults raised by narcissistic and emotionally abusive parents, particularly those also navigating ADHD, autism, and late diagnosis. Is This A Thing? is the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts Subscriptions or included with Core tier membership and above inside The Hub, Helen's ND inclusive membership community for people recovering from emotional abuse, find it at liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub.

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Am I The Problem?

Exclusive episodes to deepen healing.

Top Shows

1. He Didn’t Sign Up For A Fat Wife. Am I Being Oversensitive?

32. The Hardest Thing About Going No Contact with Harriet Shearsmith

35. How Do I Heal From a Friend's Betrayal?

39. Leaving With No Resources

6. Am I Protecting Myself Or Punishing Them?

11. Conflict Or Control?

10. When Green Flags Feel Red

9. The Fear Of Becoming Your Parent

12. A Work In Progress

1. You Don't Know What You Actually Feel

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Am I The Problem?

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