Is your “niceness” costing you your energy, authenticity, and self-worth? In this deep-dive episode of The Happy Neurotics, therapist Dr. Todd Berntson and Bioneuroemotion practitioner and coach Dannie Reeve explore the psychology behind people-pleasing and why it’s more than just a personality trait—it’s often a learned trauma response. They discuss how the “fawn” coping mechanism shows up in our lives, how people-pleasing can quietly erode our sense of self, and what it really takes to start saying no without guilt. You’ll learn practical tools like the power of the pause, body awareness cues, and key questions to ask yourself when faced with the urge to please at your own expense. Perfect for anyone struggling with boundaries, chronic yes-saying, or emotional burnout, this episode will challenge your assumptions and empower you to reclaim your voice. Keywords: people-pleasing, boundaries, fawn response, trauma healing, emotional awareness, saying no, recovering people pleaser, self-worth, self-betrayal, nervous system healing, how to set boundaries, authenticity, inner child work, podcast on relationships and emotions Timestamps 0:00 – Intro: Why being “nice” isn’t always kind 2:26 – The emotional root: fear of rejection, desire to belong 3:52 – Defining people-pleasing: a pattern of self-betrayal 4:59 – People-pleasing as a learned childhood coping strategy 6:15 – The fawn response: appeasing to stay safe 7:28 – Managing others’ emotions by denying your own 8:32 – The difference between “nice” and “kind” 9:56 – People-pleasing as subtle manipulation 12:48 – How ChatGPT can accidentally reinforce people-pleasing 14:17 – Why saying no feels terrifying—and why it’s necessary 16:04 – Depleted mothers and the cost of chronic self-silencing 16:58 – Awareness is the first step: pausing before you say yes 18:00 – Reflective questions to break the pattern 20:32 – How to give yourself the validation you seek from others 22:12 – What if you don’t know what you need? Start asking 24:19 – Get comfortable being disliked (and authentic) 26:13 – When people fall away, space opens for the right ones 27:06 – Challenge: Say one intentional “no” this week 💡 Key Takeaways People-pleasing often masks a deep need for validation rooted in childhood experiences where needs went unmet. The “fawn” response—appeasing others to feel safe—is a survival strategy, not a character trait. Being nice often comes at the cost of being real. Authentic kindness doesn’t require self-abandonment. People-pleasing is a form of subtle manipulation: it controls how others see us while hiding our true selves. Learning to pause, feel your body, and ask, “What do I need right now?” is a radical act of self-care. Becoming aware of your patterns is 70% of the work. The rest is tolerating the discomfort of being seen honestly. As you grow, some relationships may fall away—but that’s how space opens for more authentic connections. Thank you so much for listening & evolving with us! If you enjoyed this episode, we’d love for you to subscribe or share it with someone who matters to you. Every share helps us grow the Happy Neurotics community; one beautifully imperfect human at a time. Join the Conversation For more inspiring content—and to engage with like-minded, happy, and evolving neurotics—follow us on Substack:📬 @thehappyneurotics This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.happyneurotics.us/subscribe
