#20 How to stop systematically underestimating yourself

Hello again! Happy Monday! Welcome to a new episode of the Get Unstuck! Podcast. I've been thinking about this episode for a while and am excited to share it! This week, I'll be discussing how to stop systematically underestimating yourself. 

You know, when you're constantly putting yourself down, telling yourself you can't do something or that you're not good enough for a specific task. I'll discuss some techniques to help you recognize and reprogram your negative thought patterns and the power of reframing. Reframing has been so important in my life, and it's one of the techniques I often use with clients (or with you at the end of this episode) when I have them do real-life experiments. As a psychological technique, reframing helps us look at things, problems, challenges, ourselves, and our behavior from different angles. It can give us new perspectives and help us find new ways of being and experiencing the world in unexpected places. 

So why do we tend to underestimate ourselves? It may stem from various factors, including low self-esteem, past failures, and societal pressures to conform to certain expectations. But whatever the cause, underestimating yourself can prevent you from achieving your full potential and living your desired life. Every time I dream up a big thing I want to do, when fear sets in, one of the things I do every single time is tell myself that I won't be able to make it. That's underestimating yourself. Perhaps you do it too. If you do, know that you're not alone. This is something so many people struggle with, often unconsciously.

The thoughts come and go so fast that we mistake them for reality or assume that what we hear is who we are. But that is so far from the truth. The TEDx talk I gave a few years back is entitled "Don't believe anything you think," There's a good reason for that. Our thoughts are just that, thoughts. The voices in our heads are those of many people, not just our own - in fact, not often our own. They're the voices of our caretakers, peers, and society.

On top of that, they're fleeting. They come and go, so why do we take them seriously? Why would we think they have something to do with reality or who we really are? I have some previous podcast episodes that talk in more detail about our brains and neocortex and give some answers to those questions. So feel free to give those a listen. For this episode, the vital thing to remember is that: you are not your thoughts.

I first heard this in an 8-week mindfulness training I enrolled in over a decade ago. My parents had passed suddenly some months before that, and I was going through one of the darkest periods of my life. I'd never meditated, sat in a circle with others, and never shared my feelings openly with strangers. And I certainly never had given my thoughts a second thought. When I entered the room that first evening of class, I was convinced that everything I was hearing in my head was my truth and my voice. The teacher had us sit in a circle (ahem) and check-in. I'd never done that before; it felt so horribly uncomfortable. 

After that, she started talking about the mind and how it plays tricks on us. I can still see and hear her say: "You know, you are not your thoughts; you don't have to believe them." I still get goosebumps every time I think about it (I got them now!). That was such an epiphany for me. Until that point, I had believed everything - EVERYTHING - my mind was telling me, making my life difficult, small, miserable even. My thoughts stressed me out and made me anxious; I never had a quiet moment in my head. There was always, always a conversation going on. Or an imaginary fight with all the people that did me wrong or didn't understand me. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted; it was terrible.

That first evening with the teacher changed my life. It was like a light switch going off in my head. Since then, whenever I hear myself think something that doesn't make me feel good or takes away from who I really am, I remember her words: don't believe anything you think. That doesn't mean that I don't ever believe my thoughts; it's more like getting to choose which one of them I want to focus on and let guide me through the day. It takes practice, no doubt about that. But starting with awareness is a significant first step in this journey.

So the question then becomes, how do you stop underestimating yourself? As I mentioned, the first step is to be aware of what you're telling yourself. Once you know what's going on in your head, you can choose where your focus is and which thoughts to believe. A great way to do that is through journaling or talking it out with somebody (a coach or a therapist). That way, you can get perspective on what's happening and how much of it is true.

One of our clients, Denise, is a talented graphic designer who doubles as a wedding planner. Even though she delivers quality work to nothing but happy clients, Denise tends to underestimate her abilities. Despite receiving praise and recognition from partners and clients, she always thinks she could do better. This mindset led her to turn down a big design project because she believed she couldn't deliver the client's needs. A few months later, she saw the new visual identity of that client - the work done by one of her peers - and it wasn't nearly as good as her unique style and the quality she is known for. 

This tendency to underestimate herself occurred a few times in her coaching sessions. After some work, experimenting, and introspection, Denise understood the dynamics of her beliefs. What brings her to underestimate herself is fundamentally a lack of self-confidence. When she feels equal to her clients or in charge of a project, she doesn't hear the voice in her head telling her how she won't be able to deliver. But when she looks up at someone, thinks of them as more than her, or feels like she doesn't have the exact perfect skills to do a job, that's when the voice shows up. By understanding when the voice shows up, Denise is now about to assess which beliefs are true and which ones she should let go of, so she can move on to more significant projects confidently. Eventually, we can achieve more and reach our fullest potential by accepting the discomfort of growth.

Another client, let's call him Isaac, had a business idea that he was passionate about. Still, he hesitated to pursue it because he didn't think he had the necessary skills or experience to become an entrepreneur. I hear this so often in my work. Talented creatives with innovative and exciting ideas, but they're too afraid to take the next steps. I asked Isaac his beliefs about himself and why he felt unworthy of following his dreams. He realized he was letting fear hold him back from pursuing his idea. His fear was rooted in a belief that if he put himself out there, he would fail, and people would judge him. When Isaac was younger, he'd been bullied at school. Becoming an entrepreneur meant showing himself to the world, and that was a scary thought for him because of what he had gone through as a child. We worked together to challenge those beliefs, and eventually, Isaac was able to take the necessary steps to launch his business successfully.

How we think about ourselves significantly impacts our lives, so we must become aware of our thoughts and how they affect us and then make conscious choices about how we want to think and feel. We can't let our past experiences dictate our future. And we don't have to underestimate ourselves either.

Here's an example from my own life. In the previous episode of this podcast, I spoke about how I sometimes get scared of my dreams. Not because I won't achieve them, but because of how big the shoes are that I think I have to wear to be the person to achieve those dreams. In a way, that, too, is underestimating myself. It doesn't happen that often anymore, but I used to underestimate myself in many things: as a coach, friend, and entrepreneur. 

That last one is a good example. Although I've been an entrepreneur for over 20 years, it's only in the last few that I've started to feel like I deserved to call myself that. Before that, I always felt like I was faking it and didn't really know what I was doing. Another way I systematically underestimated myself was when it came to putting myself out there through writing. I didn't think anyone could be interested in reading what I had to say. It took a lot of courage and practice to let go of those beliefs and start showing up as the real me - the writer I now proudly call myself and know myself to be.

Underestimating yourself sucks because it keeps you from doing things you could perfectly be doing. I wasn't a better writer or knew more about writing the day I started putting pen to paper; the only difference was that I had found the courage to do it. And that's precisely why you should stop underestimating yourself today and start showing up as the real you. Now, whenever I feel myself underestimating what I can do or achieve, instead of getting discouraged, I take a step back, look at what is going on and decide to do exactly the opposite of what the voice in my head is telling me: I do what I'm afraid of doing.

So, how can we stop underestimating ourselves? I've touched on some ways already; let me quickly summarize:

1. Don't believe everything you think. Challenge your negative self-talk: When you hear that little voice telling you you're not good enough, challenge it. Ask yourself if there's evidence to support those thoughts or if they're just baseless beliefs. Reframe negative thoughts into positive, empowering ones.
2. Take risks: Whether starting a business, applying for a job, or challenging your assumptions. Remember that it only looks like a risk because you're afraid of it. Most things only look scary until they are don