100 episodes

A podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comics writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they journey through the Good Book from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.

Apocrypals Benito and Chris

    • Comedy
    • 4.9 • 458 Ratings

A podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comics writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they journey through the Good Book from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.

    98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)

    98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)

    We suspect, Theophiloi, that it has been as much of A Year for you as it has been for your humble Sons of Thunder, so please forgive us for skipping the lengthy and intense reading we would’ve done for Hanukkah in favor of going right to a much easier Christmas episode to finish out the year. We’re diving back into the shallow pool that is Jack Chick’s hateful ouvre with three “classic” holiday themed tracts: The Missing Day, Holy Night, and Humbug! They’re real bad!
    Topics of Discussion: The similarities between the Fifth Book of Maccabees and House (197   7, dir. Nobuhiko Obayashi), a Biscuit-based scam, the Strasbourg of the Midwest, a gift exchange, a wild reaction to chicken wings, Purebred Hoss Cat Energy, Home Alone, PCP, Boston nonsense, Bob Cratchit’s NFTs, setting an old tomato.
    Hymnal: "Christmastime is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  
     

    • 1 hr 27 min
    97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)

    97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)

    Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew’s friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it’s a good show anyway. Promise.
    Topics of Discussion: The importance of being furnace, vampires fighting each other and why we’re not talking about that, The Discourse,  the Parricide Bag, a vehicle, doesthedoggetbadeintoadryandbarrenplaceandhurtnomanuntilthelastday.com, playing the miracle hits, Chris still being mad about blog comments from like  13 (!) years ago, Adamantis, the best name, triangles, the nicest time to pray, Stratocles, the worst possible typo.
    Hymnal: “X-Men” by Ron Wasserman, “Winner Takes It All” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.  
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

    • 1 hr 12 min
    96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)

    96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)

    Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It’s the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we’re reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It’s exactly as rad as it sounds.
    Topics of Discussion: AHH!BBA, a spooky film recommendation, the RAMBAM, the RADR, etc, the Appalachians of Dracula, Barovia, a very suspect ingredient, a ghost murderer who has a pretty good point actually. 
    Hymnal: “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” by Tracy Morgan, “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett 
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

    • 1 hr 16 min
    95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)

    95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)

    I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints ’n’ Saints. Plus: Math!
    Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It’s Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God’s Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks.
    Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/)
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

    • 1 hr 40 min
    94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)

    94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)

    Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude’s wack standards, that’s saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn’t recognize a statue of Jesus. 
    Topics of Discussion: Chris’s move, Dave Seville’s truly reprehensible parenting, the nature of the word “bridge,”  Just Tryin’ To Get Through in 5782, the nature of the word “Gruenies,” the etymology of Mary (fake), the etymology of Mary (real), antagonyms, the seven canonical hours, The Feet.
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.
    Hymnal: “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Martijn Koetsier (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone)
     

    • 1 hr 13 min
    93: Approximate Week IV: OblIVion (Joseph and Aseneth)

    93: Approximate Week IV: OblIVion (Joseph and Aseneth)

    Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It’s been a while, yes, but we’re back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus’s stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife. 
    Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin’ into an avuncular age, who’s the Scrooge/Georgia/Ryan/Taylor and who’s the Donald/Karen/Shane/Phoebe?, Apocrypha for Beginners by Brandon W. Hawk, fancasting for Aseneth, some good cat names, BDSM, a story about Balder the Brave.
    Hymnal: “A Bee Without Its Sting” by the Go! Team, “Bad Romance” by Mad Organist (https://youtu.be/a9mgZqO4bgc)
    Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
    Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

    • 1 hr 22 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
458 Ratings

458 Ratings

greta bc ,

a wonderful surprise

it’s not often i listen to a podcast without it having been recommended to me first but wow i'm glad i took a chance and pressed play on this one. catching up on their back catalogue now and i can’t stop listening. perfect amount of pop culture references i get (which are always a delightful surprise) and one’s i don't (still fun) and i’ll be honest this podcast has almost singlehandedly convinced me to go into religious studies just from how interesting it all is. very thankful for the historical context Benito gives for everything!

hefixesthecable ,

I’ve spent too much time on church already

I went to private Christian schools from kindergarten through high school and then went to Oral Robert’s University, which required about 360 hours spent in church/chapel over the course of 4 years, so I have spent a *lot* of time in church or getting preached at.

Yet, I still willingly spend a Sunday afternoon listening to these two goofballs talk Bible.

Kelly Simmons ,

not yet dunked in a river but…

hands down my favorite podcast discovery of 2021! went back and listened to the whole back catalogue and found myself utterly charmed by the goof-em-ups and talk of Hangry Jesus™️. hope chris and benito keep the eps coming forever!! like many reviewers i have absolutely no idea what any of the comics references mean but love every second of them. thank you humble sons of thunder

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