IT'S OK THAT YOU'RE NOT OK in English

Raja Babu
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There is a twin paradox in being human. First, no one can live your life for you—no one can face what is yours to face or feel what is yours to feel—and no one can make it alone. Secondly, in living our one life, we are here to love and lose. No one knows why. It is just so. If we commit to loving, we will inevitably know loss and grief. If we try to avoid loss and grief, we will never truly love. Yet powerfully and mysteriously, knowing both love and loss is what brings us fully and deeply alive.

  1. 24/05/2025

    APPENDIX

    APPENDIX How to Help a Grieving Friend My essay on how to help a grieving friend is among the top three most shared posts I’ve ever written. A lot of what I’ve mentioned in part 3 is summarized in this essay, so I’ve reprinted it here. To give it to friends and family who want to help, you’ll find a printable copy at refugeingrief.com/help- grieving-friend.

    13 min

  2. 24/05/2025

    LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS

    LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS How do we end a book on loss if we don’t lean back on the expected happy ending? If we don’t search for a tacked-on transformation, or a promise that everything will work out in the end? I end this book with love because love is all we’ve got. It’s neither up-note nor doom. It simply is. We grieve because we love. Grief is part of love. There was love in this world before your loss, there is love surrounding you now, and love will remain beside you, through all the life that is yet to come. The forms will change, but love itself will never leave. It’s not enough. And it’s everything.

    9 min

  3. 24/05/2025

    THE TRIBE OF AFTER

    PART IV THE WAY FORWARD 15 THE TRIBE OF AFTER Companionship, True Hope, and the Way Forward Companionship, reflection, and connection are vital parts of surviving grief. As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, attachment is survival. We need each other.

    14 min

  4. 24/05/2025

    RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

    RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM Helping Them Help You Our friends, our families, our therapists, our books, our cultural responses—they’re all most useful, most loving and kind, when they help those in grief to carry their pain, and least helpful when they try to fix what isn’t broken. Most people want to help; they just don’t know how. There’s such a huge gap between what people want for us, and what they actually provide with their support. It’s no one’s fault, really. The only way to close that gap is to let people know what works, what doesn’t, and how we can all improve our skills in caring for each other.

    13 min

  5. 24/05/2025

    SHOULD YOU EDUCATE OR IGNORE THEM?

    PART III WHEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO 13 SHOULD YOU EDUCATE OR IGNORE THEM? If you’re like most grieving people, the response from people around you has been clumsy at best, and insulting, dismissive, and rude at worst. We talked about the deep roots of pain avoidance and the culture of blame in earlier parts of this book. It’s also important to bring it all back to your personal life, to help you understand—and correct—the unhelpful support of the people around you.

    14 min

  6. 24/05/2025

    FIND YOUR OWN IMAGE OF “RECOVERY”

    FIND YOUR OWN IMAGE OF “RECOVERY” Talking with people in new grief is tricky. During the first year, it’s so tempting to say that things get better. I mean, is it really a kindness to say, “Actually, year two is often far harder than year one”? But if we don’t say anything, people enter years two and three and four thinking they should be “better” by now. And that is patently untrue: subsequent years can actually be more difficult.

    12 min

  7. 23/05/2025

    WHAT DOES ART HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

    WHAT DOES ART HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? I want to tell you that the creative process will be healing for you, in and of itself. But I’m a terrible liar. I can’t bring up the creative process without being honest about my own path. The arts, or any artistic practices, were hard for me in the early days of grief. I resented words and writing for a really long time. I resented any creative process for a really long time. Even as I needed them.

    13 min

  8. 23/05/2025

    GRIEF AND ANXIETY

    GRIEF AND ANXIETY Calming Your Mind When Logic Doesn’t Work Grief changes your body and your mind in strange ways. Cognitive capacity isn’t the only brain function that gets wonky. Anxiety—whether it’s new to you, or you experienced it before your loss—is a huge issue in grief. I used to struggle a lot with anxiety.

    14 min
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There is a twin paradox in being human. First, no one can live your life for you—no one can face what is yours to face or feel what is yours to feel—and no one can make it alone. Secondly, in living our one life, we are here to love and lose. No one knows why. It is just so. If we commit to loving, we will inevitably know loss and grief. If we try to avoid loss and grief, we will never truly love. Yet powerfully and mysteriously, knowing both love and loss is what brings us fully and deeply alive.

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