You’re all here for eternity which, I hardly need tell you, is a heck of a long time. —Rowan Atkinson, Welcome to Hell Every now and then I field an unsolicited offer from someone to help me with “search engine optimisation”. This person says something along the following lines: “In the competitition for attention on the world wide web, getting to the top of the google search results is more important than ever. I can help boost your site in search algorithms, so you rise above your competitors.” Smugly, I always tell these people the same thing: “Look, chump: I write weak satire about financial derivatives. I don’t have any competitors. No-one else is that stupid.” The JC’s basic gig is to investigate the background context about things that are usually taken for granted — or ignored — to shed light on the business, economics and rationale of capital markets activity. It is all pretty arcane, dry stuff. By design, I tend to think: the dense thicket of bumferous tedium is an imposing barrier to entry — “moat” is the latest buzzword. It keeps insiders at an advantage. My own attention-span is short so, while I was scaling that barrier, to keep myself interested, I resolved to make it fun to write — and therefore fun to re-read. There’s a mnemonic quality to it too: the more colourful you can make it, the easier it is to remember. So the JC presents material in an off-beat way. Since industry is populated, largely, by “on-beat” people — the financial services industry doesn’t exactly encourage loose cannons — I often wonder who my audience is. The answer I usually settle on is, “me”. But there is a small band of fellow travellers out there. The loose cannons. The inquisitive. The easily bored. I know it. You keep your cards close, but you know who you are. So I box on. In any case The Jالی Contrarian™ started as a handy, non-linear way for this low-trajectory loose cannon to store “tacit” knowledge as he went along: crib notes, good practice, bad practice, old wives tales, wry observations and functional know-how about who does what, why, and the practical ins and outs and theoretical background to these mad legal contracts. And here, fifteen or so years later, we are. The thing about tacit knowledge is that it is tacit: forty or more years of people doing, but not writing down, this stuff means there tend to be large holes in the record, here and there, where institutional memory has disappeared altogether. Here I have feely made stuff up, a series of “just so” stories to put this into some kind of context, even if it is a false one. I have recently completed a long series about collateral that was like that. It is not easy to write entertainingly about swaps. Rib-ticklers do not exactly leap off the page: there are no star-cross’d lovers, dark and handsome strangers, boy wizards or bunny-boiling sociopaths. Actually, I am not sure about this last one: there is something of the Hannibal Lecter about those prepared to write tomes about aleatory contracts, a topic we will shortly get to. But even so, there are levels of dullery. Variation margin is one thing: you can crowbar in Jimi Hendrix anecdotes and Monkey! references into that. But close-out netting? We are on a different level here, readers: it isn’t just arcane and technical: it is, at a fundamental level that even the most ardent ninja will feel to her marrow, stupefyingly dull. So we will try to liven it up with a little Kabuki theatre for you all, from the pen of that finest exponent of finance fiction, Hunter Barkley. This is from his forthcoming novella Close-out! Close-out! Close-out!. The warehouse was dark. Condensation dripped. Water pooled. Steam hissed. Algy led. Boone stayed close. They ran silent: matched strides. Tracked footprints. They moved like feral cats. They went room to room. Algy cleared left and right. He cleared out the corners. He waved them through. They made it to the central chamber. It was dark. They went in. A solitary downlight picked out the Hackthorn goon: Cass Mälstrom, C.O.O. He sat at a card table in the middle of the floor. He had game. He was ex-McKinsey. A real thought-leader. He sat tight. He didn’t move. Boone coughed. Mälstrom looked up. “Is that you, Boone?” “Yes, Cass, it’s me.” “You alone?” “Look, I just want to sort this out. I didn’t want this — none of us did — but you gave us no choice. Why didn’t you pick up the phone, Cass?” “I — I been busy, Opco.” Mälstrom seemed edgy. He clocked Algy. “Who—hey, who’s that? I said come alone! I said no fuzz, Boone.” “Algy’s not a copper, Cass! He’s my bagman. He’s got what you want, if you’ve got what we want.” Boone nodded at Algy. “Show him, Al.” Algy opened the kimono. He flashed his trench. He dangled his wares. MTMs glittered from the lining on either side. Mälstrom whistled. “Pretty.” “So, we got ours, Cass. Now, how’s about you?” Mälstrom swallowed. Beads pricked on his pink forehead. “It’s — it’s a—all here.” Mälstrom seemed suddenly nervous. He motioned at a calico sack on the desk, next to a fruitbowl. Algy muttered, “What’s with the summer fruit, Opco? I don’t like it. Something ain’t right.” Boone held up a finger. “We showed you ours, now you show us yours. Just let us see what you have, Cass, and we can be on our way. We just want what’s owed to us. We don’t want any trouble.” Another voice came out of the dark. Urgent. Malicious. “Who said anything about trouble?” A loud click. Boone knew at once: it was the sound of a bump-stock OSLA being cocked. “Wh—?” “Not so fast, Mr. Boone.” Boone said, “I say, who is this?” “Your worst nightmare.” A long glinting copper barrel moved into the spotlight throw and pressed against Mälstrom’s temple. Mälstrom squeaked. “Just do what she says, Opco. Just do it. Sh — she’ll kill me! I’ve seen what she can do! She’s not kidding around!” A tall woman in black chiffon moved into the light. “I don’t believe we’ve met, Mr Boone. I’m Emsworth, of the O. A.” “A banko!” hissed Algy. “Yes, Mr. Farquhar, a “banko”. A liquidator. A receiver with a mandate to resolve. Hackthorn Capital Partners L.L.P. is my baby now. My baby, and your problem. Now, let’s have your MTMs, Mr. Boone. Nice and slow. Come along.” Emsworth reclicked the OSLA and shoved it against the hedgie’s temple. Mälstrom re-squeaked. “Do it, Boone!” “Put down your money, Mr. Boone.” Boone nodded to Algernon. Carefully, Algy placed the MTMs down, one at a time. “I did all the calculations just like you said I should, Opco, under Section 6(d). I gots all the statements.” “Ok, Al, count them off.” Algy busied himself around the table, placing bags in a row. “Here’s our forty five for you. For this next one, you have to put down twenty six for us. We put twenty two for you. You put eighty five down for us.” It took fifteen minutes. Algy stood back, proud of his work. Emsworth smiled. “Goooood. I like it when people are sensible.” “All right, Ms. Emsworth. You’ve had your fun,” said Boone. “Now it’s your turn.” Algy nodded. “Right. So now you gots to put down your OTMs too. The ones for us.” Emsworth chuckled. “I don’t think so.” She swept Algy’s piles into a black Samsonite and snapped the lock. “Hey!” squeaked Algy. Boone took a step forward. Emsworth re-cocked the OSLA. “Easy, now: let’s not do something we’ll any of us come to regret, Mr. Boone.” Boone stopped. “All right, all right: but this is not how it’s supposed to work, Ms. Emsworth. That’s not the deal. We settle down. We net, positives against negatives. Tell him, Cass.” Mälstrom whimpered. Emsworth twisted her face into a long, deep, cruel laugh. “Oh, Mr. Boone. You poor deluded fool. This is Guatemala. You’re not in Kansas any more.” She reached over to the fruitbowl, plucked a cherry and raised it slowly to her thin lips. “Jeepers, Boone, look out! I think she’s — cherry-picking!” cried Algy. Emsworth smiled and bit. The fruit burst. Crimson juice ran down her chin. “I say, Mr. Boone, your little monkey is perceptive. I am “cherry-picking” — just as I am entitled to do.” Opco said, “Now look here. This is a single agreement! We square up. That is the deal! What about your OTMs? What about the money you owe us?” “But, Mr. Boone: we are through the looking glass now. We hav emade the phase transition from the normal world into bankruptcy. The normal rules do not apply. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have what I need, and I have a plane to catch.” “What about my money, Emsworth?” Emsworth yanked a circuit breaker and another downlight glared. “If you want your OTMs you shall have to wait for them. And fight for them.” The spot revealed a rusted metal cage. A dozen big cats paced inside: leopards. Tigers. They growled. “What the hell is this”? “Can’t you read, Mr. Boone?” There was a stencilled sign above the cage: “CREDITORS”. “Mr. Mälstrom’s creditors. You are welcome to join them. They are all looking a bit peckish, don’t you think, Mr. Boone? Shall we feed them?” Emsworth dangled the MTMs. “Stop this! Tie them up!” “Tie them up? Oh, no, Mr. Boone. That would never do. They are unsecured. If you want your money, you’ll have to scrap them for it.” Emsworth lobbed the calico sack into the cage. The big fat cats fell upon them in a threnody of gnashing maws. “All yours, Mr. Boone! Good day!” Official Assignee, First Class M. T. Emsworth threw the circuit breaker. The room went black to the reverberating sound of her calculating laughter. “Nein!” Ogfried sat bolt upright, drenched in sweat. A light clicked on. He blinked. The Gräfin stirred, rolled over, pushed up her sleeping mask and regarding her husband painedly. “Vot is ee