Love, Lexapro, and Louboutins

Ashanna Molokwu
  • 5.0 (7)
  • Personal Journals

When life gives you a worse love life than any woman in a Tyler Perry movie, a mental illness that you didn't know you had until your early twenties, and Louboutins you bought 10 hours after your mother died: make a podcast.

  1. 05/14/2022

    Thanks For Ghosting Me, Emotionally Immature Bastards

    *DISCLAIMER: I accidentally said episode 9 at the beginning instead of episode 8* We've all been ghosted before. I'm a vet to this shit: I've gotten ghosted 3 times in my life––and each time f****d me up. What makes being ghosted so hard to move on from is the fact not only do you obsessively question every move you ever made with/around them (did I say something stupid? Did I look bad in what I wore the last time I saw them? Did they look at me for too long and realize I'm a solid 3/10?), but you also question yourself on a deep, personal level: what about me isn't good enough for them to stick around? And while you're rabbit holing into a bottomless vortex of questions and scenarios in your head that you force yourself to either accept or reject in order to make sense of it, you start to ask yourself if you're even good enough for ANYONE to stick around. As you'll hear in this episode, those questions had me down catastrophically. But the hardest part isn't even the questions that you ask yourself in the aftermath of an abrupt disappearance from someone you thought you were connecting with––the hardest part is not receiving an answer to the million dollar question, if you're like me, that you're too afraid to ask: WHY THE F**K DID YOU GHOST ME? It wasn't until recently (literally today, an hour before recording this) that I realized: each of them ghosted me because I told them, in some shape or form, no. I missed a 4am text. I wouldn't loan them money. I wouldn't let them live with me. I told them I was too tired. I didn't feel like seeing them that night. I refused to let thing be on their terms––I asserted that I was deserving of agency in this too, and it wasn't all about their wants and needs. That pissed them off. That made them vanish. And for THAT, I am truly *finally* grateful. Now, I can honestly say that the part of me that craved an answer, no longer wants an answer from any of them at all. I don't want an explanation for not being emotionally mature enough to communicate with their words, and not with a sudden absence. Because any grown ass man who gets upset with you for not being at their beck and call, for not letting them cross your boundaries, for not smiling while they take advantage of you, for not being able to take the word 'NO' as FINAL, to the point they disappear completely...is a man who needs to stay gone forever.

    29 min

  2. 05/01/2022

    A Tattoo Lasts Forever...The Artist Lasts For 2 Minutes

    One of my best friend's came up with the title of this episode––what a f*****g queen. Because for some reason, while my seething hatred for this man continues to grow day by day for the utter disrespect--both publicly and privately--that he's shown me in the last month, I completely forgot that I've made TikToks that last longer than him. And while that is certainly not the point, I can't pass up an opportunity to declare a man being bad in bed––especially when they've wrong me. Call me bitter if you must––trust me, I've been called worst. But if you take anything from this episode, hear this loud and clear: stay away from male tattoo artists. Especially if he works on Hollywood Blvd.

    22 min

  3. 03/28/2022

    "What Did You Expect?"

    *TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains details of sexual assault* "Why did you leave with him?", "Why did you entertain him if you weren't interested?", "Why did you give him your phone number?", "Why didn't you just walk away?", "Why we're you alone with him?". I'm not the first person to talk about this subject and unfortunately, I won't be the last. But I felt compelled to talk about it for all you faithful listeners, because that is what this show is for: to speak my piece. And, in the process, tell everyone who asks the above questions to go to f*****g Hell.

    28 min

  4. 03/18/2022

    (DIE)t: Eating Disorders Hiding In Plain Sight

    As someone who has been battling anorexia and bulimia since college, this is MY lived experience trying (and failing) to navigate an already harmful narrative: that nothing feels better than skinny feels. While that's a Kate Moss quote and this isn't necessarily her fault, the idea that dieting and working out until you're 'the perfect size' has almost killed me, and millions of other girls and women just like me––and many have actually died. This culture isn't as empowering as it presents itself to be

    25 min

  5. 02/27/2022

    F**k Forgiveness. And F**k You Too.

    "Forgive them so you can heal", "Forgive them so you can move on", "Forgive them so you can stop hurting". If only it were that f*****g easy. Healing does require you to let go of the pain, although it doesn't happen as quick as you'd like. But it does NOT however, require you to relinquish the reality of how much whatever happened to you, hurt you–– and who did it. Healing starts and ends with YOU. It. Is. About. You. After all, it is YOU who has to pick up the pieces––not the person who broke them. And it is because of THAT, in this episode, I talk about how I do not believe in forgiveness as a necessary action to fully heal. To put it bluntly: God forgives. I don't.

    25 min

  6. 01/12/2022

    Dearly Departed: Losing My Mother To Cancer

    *TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains detailed descriptions of terminal disease, death, and grief.* Today is the 8 month anniversary of my mom's death. She was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer, the most aggressive form of breast cancer, on December 21, 2020. By the time we had caught it, it had already spread to her bones and brain. We stayed as optimistic as we could, we prayed endlessly. After a short, 4 and a half month battle, she died on May 12, 2021 at 10:26pm. She was 63 years old. My brothers and I took care of her up until the day she died. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. The physical part of it–– administering 15 med's daily, bathing and feeding her, changing her, getting her in and out of bed–– was difficult on its own. But the emotional part of it–– seeing her get weaker and weaker, hearing her voice get quieter and quieter, watching her cry in pain and frustration, and hearing her tearfully apologize again and again for putting us through this–– was nothing short of a nightmare. It is hard to imagine a day where the last year of our lives, won't feel like the deepest wound that will never heal. No one knows what the future will hold–– but right now, in this very moment, a future where we don't cry every single day, doesn't seem possible. I have spoken about my mother's diagnosis, treatment, and death to my friend's and followers many times before–– but I haven't articulated it, haven't fully gone into detail like I do in this episode, with anyone other than my family, and my closest best friend since I was 15. While I am always transparent about how this has felt, while I never hold back from talking about the process of going from caretaker to grieving daughter, this episode brought me to the most vulnerable place I have ever been. But despite the fact that I spoke through tears, despite the fact that the immense weight and pain of this horrific, catastrophic tragedy can never be expressed in a hour-long episode, I gave this my all: in the purest, rawest form. And that is something that I, that I know my mom, is proud of. I love you mommy. Always and forever.

    1h 6m

  7. 01/05/2022

    Mood: Disorder (Living With Bipolar II)

    I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. It was the least shocking thing to everyone, including me. I come from a family with a long (and I mean VERY long) history of mental illness. So when I sat across from my campus psychiatrist in the fall term of my senior year of college, and she explained to me that I was bipolar II, I didn't even bat an eye. The only surprise was that there were levels to this bipolar shit––and I happen to be on level 2.

    22 min

  8. 01/01/2022

    Hypnotized, But With A D

    Good d*ck is fun. It's festive. It makes you wake up early and clean your whole house while listening to Jill Scott. It makes you laugh at things you wouldn't normally laugh at. It makes you keep your camera on during meetings because you are GLOWING. And, my personal favorite: it makes you go to bed with a smile on your face. But when it's attached to a man who only says all the right things, while his actions prove otherwise...there's the real cruelty that you can't run from. And that cruelty is enough to make you go insane––or in my case, block him.

    28 min
See All (17)

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
7 Ratings

About

When life gives you a worse love life than any woman in a Tyler Perry movie, a mental illness that you didn't know you had until your early twenties, and Louboutins you bought 10 hours after your mother died: make a podcast.

Information