Building Confidence

Sue Reid
  • 5.0 (5)
  • MENTAL HEALTH
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

This podcast looks at the topic of confidence with the aim of helping anyone who might be struggling with their self-esteem or anyone wanting to improve their self-confidence in certain areas of their life. suereid.substack.com

  1. Letting Go with Patricia Hildalgo Espinoza

    2D AGO

    Letting Go with Patricia Hildalgo Espinoza

    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    53 min

  2. 3D AGO

    When Shame Is Disguised As Drive

    For most of my life, especially throughout my career, I seemed driven. I was proud to be focused, capable, and ambitious. But beneath that drive lay something else, something quieter. In childhood, I believed I wasn’t clever enough. That belief didn’t hold me back; it gave me the drive to prove myself. It pushed me forward. For years, I mistook that pressure for confidence. Comparison in childhood is powerful because it shapes identity before we have the maturity to question it. When you see others performing “better,” the mind doesn’t think: We have different strengths. It thinks: They are clever; I am not. From there, a belief forms. At a primitive level, our nervous system interprets comparison as a threat. If I am not good enough, I might not be accepted. And if I am not accepted, I am not safe. My belief became my fuel. Survival beliefs often lead to success. But they also create pressure. The quiet weight we carry Many capable, high-achieving people carry something subtle. It’s not dramatic regret; it’s a quiet, persistent sense that they should be better. * I should be further ahead. * I shouldn’t have done that. * I need to make up for it. * I should be more organised. * More patient. * Less emotional. The pressure builds gradually, and beneath it, guilt often lurks. Guilt isn’t always the bad guy, though. But, as the pressure to achieve builds, it can turn into shame. Guilt vs shame Guilt says,I made a mistake. Shame says,I am a mistake. Guilt says,I failed. Shame says,I am a failure. Guilt can be useful when it guides behaviour. Healthy guilt encourages repair and supports growth. But when we continue punishing ourselves long after the lesson has been learned, it is no longer guilt; it has become shame. And shame attaches the moment to your identity. It turns one mistake into a character verdict. You start to personalise neutral comments.You assume criticism.You interpret ordinary setbacks as proof of inadequacy. Confidence becomes fragile because you are no longer improving your behaviour; you are trying to redeem yourself. This is where overworking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism often begin. Not from ambition. But from a quiet fear of not being enough. The root beneath it At its core, shame whispers: I do not matter because I have no worth. That was my true driver. For years, my insecurity and low self-esteem led me to believe that. I worked hard and succeeded, yet I constantly compared myself to those who seemed “better.” I have found that many high-functioning, capable people are quietly driven by the same belief. They over-deliver.They rarely complain.They try to be easy to be around. Not because they are weak. But because, somewhere along the way, they learned that being “good” keeps them safe. Self-compassion is the release Self-compassion does not deny responsibility, nor does it excuse behaviour. It simply separates what you did from who you are. That is the turning point. When you stop trying to redeem yourself and start allowing yourself to grow. When shame drives you, confidence is fragile because it depends on performance. When self-compassion drives you, confidence steadies because it rests on your worth. You no longer need to prove your acceptability. And from that place, ambition becomes a choice, not survival. That is where real confidence begins. Reflection * Is there something I still rely on to define myself that was simply a moment in time? * Where in my life am I still trying to prove I am “good enough”? * What would change if I separated my behaviour from my worth? If this resonates in any way, this is the kind of work we explore within the Confidence Circle, separating behaviour from identity and building confidence through steadiness rather than pressure. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    6 min
  3. Porn Free Part 2 with Mac Dohm

    FEB 14

    Porn Free Part 2 with Mac Dohm

    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    1h 26m

  4. FEB 12

    Your Confidence Doesn’t Collapse Because You Fail

    There is nothing you can do to increase or decrease your self-worth.You were born worthy and will remain so, no matter what happens. If this is true, why do we doubt ourselves so much?Why do even confident, capable people still have moments when they feel not good enough? Self-doubt isn’t a flaw. It’s part of being human. Yet when it shows up, it can convince us that something is wrong. As I wrote last week, we are wired to survive. For our ancestors, survival meant fitting in with the tribe and avoiding rejection at all costs.That instinct is outdated, but it still runs quietly in the background. Your brain hasn’t caught up with the modern world. We still feel a pull to be accepted. So we tie our worth to performance, approval, and achievement. We learn to believe we will be loved if we behave correctly, look the right way, and succeed often enough. We try to become who we think we should be. When we look in the mirror and realise we haven’t managed to shape-shift into that person, we conclude we’re failing. This is where self-doubt takes hold. We question our decisions. We replay conversations. We interpret mistakes as evidence that we’re less capable, less confident, and less together than we thought. And when something doesn’t go to plan, many of us don’t just feel disappointed,we feel exposed. Why failure feels so personal We’re often told to “get back up” after we fail. It’s well-meaning advice, but hard to follow. Failure isn’t like physically falling over. It rarely hurts because of the mistake itself. It hurts because of what we tell ourselves afterwards. This is where confidence quietly unravels. You want to get back up, but somehow you can’t find the motivation.You feel flat, stuck, or tempted to give up entirely. Not because you failed, but because you turned against yourself in the process. It’s as if you’ve metaphorically evicted yourself from the tribe. This is usually when the inner critic rears its head. It tells you to do better, try harder, and be more careful next time. But this isn’t motivation. It’s criticism. And criticism doesn’t build confidence.It builds fear. The role of self-compassion We’re often made to feel that failure must be avoided at all costs. My father believed this deeply. In a way, it killed him. He died of a heart attack at just 52. For most of his working life, he had excelled. He was successful. A winner. Until he wasn’t. He decided to start his own business. It didn’t work out.Going back to his old career would almost certainly have stabilised his finances. But something shifted inside him.The failure felt personal. Final. Shortly afterwards, he suffered a massive heart attack from which he didn’t recover. I don’t believe it was failure that broke him.I believe it was the absence of self-compassion. Self-compassion doesn’t remove the discomfort of a setback. It doesn’t pretend that failure doesn’t matter. What it does is stop you from abandoning yourself when things go wrong. You still feel the pain, but self-compassion shortens recovery. It allows you to give yourself grace for trying. It doesn’t rush you past discomfort or dress it up as positivity.It simply says: This feels difficult, and I’m still here with myself. That one shift changes everything. Reframing confidence Confidence isn’t about never doubting yourself.It’s about knowing you won’t abandon yourself when doubt arises. When you respond to mistakes with compassion rather than punishment: * You reflect rather than ruminate * You learn rather than shut down * You recover rather than retreat Self-compassion doesn’t make you weaker in moments of failure.It gives you a place to stand while you regain your footing. This week isn’t about eliminating self-doubt.It’s about noticing what happens when it arrives. * Do you tighten? * Do you attack yourself? Or can you pause, breathe, and remind yourself that your worth hasn’t disappeared? This is the most important part: Your worth is still your worth. And that pause, that moment of staying with yourself, is where confidence begins to rebuild. Reflection What do I usually tell myself when I make a mistake or fall short of expectations? How would my confidence change if I spoke to myself with reassurance rather than criticism? If this resonated Throughout this month, I’m sharing a simple 28-day self-compassion practice here in Notes. One small, supportive prompt each day.So, if this post resonated, do look out for my notes.Thank you! Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    7 min
  5. Neurodiversity and Trauma with Raquel Deville

    FEB 9

    Neurodiversity and Trauma with Raquel Deville

    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    46 min

  6. FEB 5

    Self-Compassion Is Not a Natural Way to Be

    Self-compassion doesn’t come naturally to us, and there’s a good reason for it. Humans are wired for survival. Unfortunately, your brain doesn’t care whether you’re happy; it cares whether you belong. For our ancestors, belonging to a tribe meant safety. Food, protection, and survival depended on social acceptance. Groups thrived by cooperating, sharing resources, and looking out for one another. Compassion for others wasn’t just kind; it was essential. Because a rejection came at a cost. In harsh environments, being cast out of the group could mean death. A mistake, conflict, or perceived wrongdoing risked eviction. That threat shaped our nervous systems in powerful ways, and those systems still operate today. This is why compassion for others is deeply human.And why compassion for ourselves is not instinctive. Berating yourself is normal Self-compassion, the practice of turning kindness inward, isn’t an evolutionary trait. It’s a learned skill. Our brains evolved to keep us safe, not soothed. When we make a mistake or risk disapproval, the nervous system reacts as if something dangerous is happening. Fight, flight, or freeze often turns into self-attack. Your inner critic believes criticism will prevent future mistakes.If you punish yourself enough, you won’t repeat it.If you stay acceptable, you won’t be rejected. That strategy once made perfect sense because any mistake could cost you everything. But we no longer live in tribes where survival depends on approval. Your brain simply hasn’t caught up with that reality. So self-criticism isn’t a personal failing; it’s an outdated form of protection. Learning self-compassion This leaves us with a choice. We can continue letting the inner critic run the show, attacking ourselves every time we struggle, fall short, or consider something new.Or we can learn self-compassion. Self-compassion isn’t weakness, nor is it indulgence. And it isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s emotional safety. As adults, we are no longer dependent on constant approval to survive. We can tolerate discomfort, mistakes, and even rejection. When we recognise that self-attack is natural, something important shifts: We stop beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up. Thoughts like: * Why am I like this? * I should know better. * What’s wrong with me? begin to lose their grip. Many of us learned early on that criticism keeps us in line, that being hard on ourselves is how we improve, stay acceptable, or avoid failure. But growth doesn’t require cruelty. You won’t be evicted from the tribe for being imperfect.You won’t die if you’re judged, criticised, or misunderstood.And you don’t have to abandon yourself to become better. Three ways to practise self-compassion Awareness That critical voice isn’t you. It’s a protective part of your brain reacting automatically. You didn’t choose the thought; it arrived on its own. Notice it, then name it.“Oh, I am being harsh there.” Then offer something warmer, the kind of response you’d give a dear friend. Common humanity Everyone struggles. Everyone makes mistakes. No one feels confident all the time. Compassion is wired into us, which means support is available. You’re allowed to need help. You’re allowed to reach out. Kindness Self-compassion means treating yourself the way you would treat someone you care about. If you’d speak gently to a friend, speak gently to yourself.If you’d offer them comfort, offer it to yourself, a hand on your heart, a pause, a breath. Confidence isn’t built by never struggling.It’s built on knowing you won’t abandon yourself when you do. This week isn’t about fixing your self-talk or becoming kinder overnight.It’s about noticing. * Noticing how you speak to yourself. * Noticing when pressure replaces understanding. * Noticing where perfection is expected instead of progress. From that place, something steadier begins to form, a confidence that doesn’t rely on pushing, proving, or punishing. Just presence. Reflection * How do I usually speak to myself when I struggle, make a mistake, or fall short? * What do I believe would happen if I didn’t rely on harshness to grow or improve? * What might it feel like to respond to myself with understanding, even briefly, the next time I find myself struggling? If this resonates, I’m sharing a gentle 28-day self-compassion practice in Notes this month. 28 small daily reminders to notice, soften, and stay with yourself rather than push or punish yourself. Look out for those every day in Substack notes. Until next weekMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    6 min
  7. Overthinking and How to Stop with Ilham

    FEB 2

    Overthinking and How to Stop with Ilham

    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    56 min

  8. JAN 29

    How Aligning Your Daily Choices Builds Lasting Confidence

    It is time to slow down, stop merely existing, and start living again. Before we begin, take a moment to let your mind settle.Then gently ask yourself: * Who am I? * What do I want? * How can I serve? * What do health, happiness, and intention mean for me? This month, I’ve been writing about living with intention.We’ve explored how easily we slip into autopilot, how we speak to ourselves, and the difference between people-pleasing and genuine kindness. This week, I want to broaden the lens and bring intention to the everyday. Living with intention isn’t something we practise only in difficult moments.It’s something we carry into our ordinary days: * The way we start our mornings. * The choices we make when we’re tired. * How we speak to ourselves when no one is watching. Focusing on living intentionally in the present as you go about your day is where confidence can truly grow. Learning to stay present It took me years to learn to stay in the present moment.My low self-esteem and lack of confidence meant my days were spent either replaying the past or worrying about the future. I struggled to pause long enough to notice birdsong, passing clouds, or the quiet beauty of everyday life. I’m not even sure I truly understood what being present meant until I came across Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now. It helped me see how much of life I had been missing, not because it wasn’t there, but because I wasn’t present. A Life Driven by Pressure After the end of my first marriage and my third abusive relationship, my career took off. On the surface, it looked like success. In reality, it brought a different kind of pressure. I arrived at work early, left late, and ate lunch at my desk. I was in constant work mode and found it hard to switch off and relax. Looking back, I can see how close I was to burnout. Modern life teaches us to live under pressure, to do more, achieve more, and keep up. At the same time, we’re told we should be calmer, more balanced, and more confident. Even personal growth can become another source of pressure if we’re not mindful. When life is driven by performance and approval, confidence becomes fragile. Your sense of worth begins to depend on getting things right. Living on purpose is different Living your days on purpose doesn’t mean having a perfect routine or a clearly mapped-out life. It means aligning your daily choices with what matters to you. Purpose isn’t about achievement, it’s about direction. It looks like: * Choosing rest over hustle, knowing your body needs it. * Choosing honesty over people-pleasing. * Choosing kindness instead of self-criticism. * Choosing presence over constant distraction. These choices may not impress anyone, but that’s not the point. They build something far more important than approval. They build self-trust. Confidence grows when your actions align with your values. Each time you make a choice that reflects what matters to you, you quietly reinforce self-trust. You listen to your needs and act in ways that make sense to you because they align with your core values. I built my confidence through consistency rather than intensity. Instead of pushing harder, I began making more honest choices. I worked fewer hours. I ate my lunch in the park whenever I could. On rainy days, I stepped away from my desk to talk with colleagues or simply sit and read. Sometimes I just watched the world go by through the window. These small changes matter. Find purpose in small moments We often believe our purpose has to be grand, like a calling, a mission, or a bold vision. While thinking big can be inspiring, it often comes with “one day” or “when the time is right.” When that day never comes, self-doubt creeps back in. Most of life is made up of small moments.That’s where purpose truly lives. * In how you respond to a message. * In what you say yes or no to. * In how you treat yourself on an ordinary day. Living on purpose means letting your values guide those moments instead of fear, habit, or pressure. A daily check-in Once a day, when you have a choice to make, pause and ask yourself: What matters most to me right now? The four questions I posed at the beginning are there to bring out what is important to you, beneath all the masks and labels. Let what matters be your guide. Purpose isn’t something you chase; it’s something you return to. Living your days on purpose doesn’t mean every day feels good. It means your life feels like yours. Being internally led rather than externally driven is one of the strongest foundations of confidence. Reflection You might also like to reflect on one or two of these: * What values matter most to me at this stage of my life? * Where do I feel most aligned in my daily choices? * Where do I notice pressure driving my behaviour instead of purpose? * What small change would help my days feel more intentional? * How does alignment affect my sense of confidence? If living with intention matters to you, The Confidence Circle is a calm, supportive space to explore confidence together. Each month, paid subscribers gather for gentle, supportive sessions where we explore confidence as a lived experience, not something to achieve but something to return to. We reflect, realign, and build self-trust in ways that fit real life. Until next timeMuch LoveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

    8 min
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About

This podcast looks at the topic of confidence with the aim of helping anyone who might be struggling with their self-esteem or anyone wanting to improve their self-confidence in certain areas of their life. suereid.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Sue Reid
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2026
  • Episodes
    186
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Sue Reid
  • Show Website
    Building Confidence