Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the first of four posts. Growing up, I firmly believed two things: * I was not clever. * I had nothing interesting to say. I have no idea exactly where or when these beliefs started. I thought I should be clever like my younger sister, and I was a shy introvert. Those feel like the starting points. After that, my brain seemed to collect “evidence” that these beliefs were true.Any time I was ignored, told to be quiet, or criticised, it counted as proof. Over time, those beliefs became part of who I was. Some memories are still so vivid they could have been yesterday, rather than over 50 years ago. * A teacher criticising my painting when I was about 10. * A friend of my uncle telling my father he “couldn’t get a word out of me,” prompting my father to say I had embarrassed him. * Freezing and being unable to say my lines in a classroom play, even when they were held up in front of me. Those moments were painful. And my mind decided they were good reasons to stay quiet and avoid taking risks. No matter how much I longed to be accepted, a voice in my head kept telling me I would never reach where I wanted to be, so why even try? For a long time, I believed that voice was telling me the truth. It sounded like me.It used my words.It knew exactly where to aim. “You’re not interesting enough.”“You’ve said too much.”“They don’t really want to hear from you.” It didn’t feel like a thought; it felt like a quiet knowing. For years, I thought this was just part of who I was. I thought it was guidance, so I listened. In a way, it was. What was really happening? As I built my confidence and self-trust, I noticed that these nasty comments were still playing out in my head. My confidence was improving, but whenever even something small went wrong, or I was slightly criticised, the same thoughts would be triggered. It felt like a lever was being pulled. You messed up because you are stupid.You never get things right.Don’t say that, you’ll sound boring. That was when I began to really hear how harsh the voice was. Why would I speak to myself like that? And then I realised something important. This voice wasn’t trying to hurt me.It was trying to protect me. Not in a calm or supportive way, but in a fast, automatic, deeply conditioned way. My brain recognised the feeling of being judged, dismissed, or not enough. The feelings it had learned in childhood. It had learned to pay close attention to anything uncomfortable and to try to prevent it from happening again. This is what the brain does. Over time, it builds a system designed to protect you.But that protection can start to sound like criticism. Why negative self-talk feels so convincing Negative self-talk isn’t random. It’s built from your memories, your experiences, and the meaning you gave to those moments. The voice feels familiar.You recognise the language.What it says feels true, so you don’t question it. You respond to it. You might: * Replay conversations in your head. * Second-guess what you said. * Hold back from trying anything new. * Try to get everything perfect. * Procrastinate and leave things unfinished. Not because you lack confidence, but because something within you is trying to keep you safe. This is the part that often gets missed People think they are failing because they can’t silence the voice. Trust me, this is not your failure. You’re responding exactly as your system has been trained to respond. It’s not the voice that is holding you back. The problem lies in how it is understood. When you believe that voice is you, you follow it without question. But when you begin to see it as something your mind has learned to do, something created to protect you, a small space opens. And in that space, something very important becomes possible. Awareness. You begin to notice the voice without immediately believing it.You hear the thought without letting it define you.You recognise the pattern without needing to fight it. A gentle place to start For now, you don’t need to silence the voice.And you don’t need to force yourself to think positively. You only need to begin noticing. Over the next few days, see if you can become aware of when this voice shows up. There is no need to change or challenge it, just pay attention. You might be surprised by what you hear. Confidence begins to grow when you realise that not every thought you have needs to be followed. Something to reflect on this week * When does your inner voice feel the strongest or most convincing? * What does it tend to say to you most often? * Can you begin to notice what it might be trying to protect you from? * What changes, even slightly, when you observe the voice instead of immediately believing it? If negative self-talk is something you struggle with, we will be exploring it more deeply together in a live workshop later this month. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
