Coffee with The Couple Cure

Jay & Lori Pyatt
  • 4.8 (12)
  • MENTAL HEALTH
  • UPDATED SEMIMONTHLY

Practical Tips to help your relationship, by the time you finish your first cup–with Relationship Mentors, Jay and Lori Pyatt

  1. DEC 2

    How I FAKED RECOVERY (My PURPOSE in life is to BE ENTERTAINED)

    How did Jay pretend to change when he really hadn't? In this episode, Lori asks 11 HARD QUESTIONS to uncover the difference between performing recovery and experiencing true, internal transformation. Jay answers honestly about the exhausting cycle of surface-level change: • REHEARSING the "right" answers just to get Lori "off his back" and his prayers becoming "robotic". • How he engaged in "SPIRITUAL OLYMPICS” to throw everyone off—including himself. • The SHOCKING moment a coach uncovered his core, entitled belief about his PURPOSE IN LIFE. • The "Armchair Meeting of Needs" tactic he used in order to think he had changed. • How he traded his shovel for a "backhoe" to finally GO DEEPER INTO TRANSFORMATION. This episode is a must-watch for anyone struggling to BREAK THE CYCLE where one partner performs change without true, internal motivation. Timestamps 00:00 Rehearsed Answers & Entertainment Confession 00:40 How Did You Pretend to Change? 01:26 Were You Really Close to God? 02:26 What Signs Did You Perform? 05:52 Did You Rehearse Answers to Get Me Off Your Back? 07:27 What Made You Feel Proud (But Wasn't Real)? 08:28 Armchair Meeting of Needs 09:03 Were Recovery Efforts Just Buying Time? 10:05 How Did You Hide That Change Wasn't Internal? 10:53 What If Someone Had Taught You Real Tools? 12:53 What Were You Unwilling to Give Up? 13:50 "My Purpose Is to Be Entertained" 15:07 Did Pretending Become More Exhausting? 16:48 Did You Know You Weren't Really Changing? 19:29 What Would You Have Said If Honest? 22:15 Questions for Viewers + Next Episode -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #spiritualbypassing #recoverytools #copingmechanisms

    23 min

  2. NOV 17

    I Had to Shut Her Up to KEEP LYING (addiction HARDENED MY HEART)

    I have that photograph of Christmas. That kid saw so many possibilities. I think he would've looked at me and said: wait, you're 38 years older than me and you're still doing the same stuff I'm doing? That sucks." This might be the most heartbreaking conversation we've ever recorded. Jay looks back at 11 moments when his heart hardened - and the younger version of himself that got left behind. What you'll discover: • The progression: soft → hard → soft → really hard (how hearts harden and soften over years) • "I had to shut myself down to what lying was doing to her" (the only way to keep lying) • When spiritual language disguises emotional death ("I'm at peace" but couldn't define peace) • The situations that should have broken him but didn't (grandfather's death, divorce, losing his career) • "He had sufficiently shut me up" (how addicts train themselves to stop reacting to pain) • Why his internal world became "really tiny" (addiction closes you down to just the screen) • Narcotics Anonymous Step 3: "We no longer have a conscience" (aggressively pursuing what we want) • The younger self question that gutted him (what would that hopeful kid think?) For partners: This explains why he seems emotionally flat, why your pain doesn't register, why spiritual words feel hollow. You're watching someone whose heart has hardened layer by layer. For addicts: Can you see it happening? The pattern of harden → soften → harden deeper? The moments you chose impulse over conscience? The kid you used to be is still in there. Plus: The difference between acceptance and resignation (one has peace, the other has anger and self-pity). CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro: Powerful clips (younger self, shut her up, no conscience) 01:23 Can you see your heart hardening over the years? 02:41 Did your heart harden spiritually, not just toward me? 03:22 What led you back to porn after 6 months sober in college? 04:51 Beyond anxiety - what other feelings drove you back? 05:09 When did your emotional responses become muted or automatic? 05:45 "I should be feeling something right now, but I don't" 07:43 Did you interpret numbness as maturity or strength? 08:11 How did you train yourself to stop reacting to my pain? 09:39 What situations should have broken you but didn't? 10:45 Did spiritual language disguise your emotional hardening? 12:32 Did your internal world feel smaller and flatter over time? 13:11 When God told you to stop, you consciously chose your own way 15:48 What would your younger self think of who you became? 17:26 Question for viewers: Have you watched someone grow cold? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    9 min

  3. NOV 3

    When She Stops Crying it SCARES ME MORE (how I REALLY felt when she cried)

    The opposite of love is something OTHER THAN HATE. And when Lori stopped crying? That's when Jay finally got scared. In this raw 26-minute conversation, Lori ask Jay 12 Questions about what really went through his mind when he saw her crying over his betrayal. His answers reveal the uncomfortable truth about damaged empathy, hardened hearts, and why Lori’s silence terrified him MORE than her tears ever did. They also cover what EMOTINAL MATURITY is… and isn’t. What you'll discover: • What Jay felt in his body the first time he saw Lori cry (fear, and …) • When her crying stopped affecting him the same way (damaged empathy) • Did her tears make him want to just get better at HIDING? (the honest answer) • The story he told himself to pretend her pain didn't exist • The moment she stopped crying and why THAT finally scared him • Did he feel bad for her… or for how it made him look? For Partners: If he’s seen your pain through your tears and still nothing changed, this video explains why. Plus, Jay reveals what finally broke through his hardened heart. For Addicts: This conversation shows the difference between feeling bad about messing up vs. feeling bad for the person you hurt. It also challenges you to see your wife's tears as a sign of pain instead of a sign of your worth? Plus: The accounting vs. math analogy that helped Jay understand what Lori needed (and WHY IT DIDN'T LAST). NOTE: We're trying a new editing style, going from natural but long to choppier and shorter. (Tell us which you prefer!) CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro (new editing = choppier.) 01:23 What did you feel when I cried? 06:51 EMOTIONAL MATURITY EQUALS… 08:42 Did you feel bad for me (vs your image)? 11:12 What did you FEEL IN YOUR BODY in the breakthrough moment? 12:20 When did my crying STOP affecting you the same way? 14:58 Did you feel ANNOYED when I cried? 15:33 Did my tears ever make you feel powerful? 18:24 Did you only cry over own feelings… or for me? 19:16 What story did you tell yourself to pretend my pain didn't exist? 20:16 Did watching me cry make you want to get better at HIDING? 21:15 Did you ever feel bad about NOT feeling bad? 22:37 What was hardest: the emotion or consequences? 24:12 Did it SCARE YOU MORE when I stopped crying (indifference) 25:49 Questions for viewers & Sneak Peek -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    27 min

  4. OCT 20

    Did You Think I WAS TOO WEAK to Leave? (What Addicts Think Abt Consequences)

    HONEST QUESTION: Did you ever think 'SHE'LL NEVER LEAVE ME, so I can keep doing this'? Most partners wonder if their addict secretly believed they could get away with it forever. In this brutally honest conversation, Jay answers questions that keeps betrayed spouses up at night, including: DID YOU THINK I WAS TOO WEAK TO LEAVE? His answer might surprise you. What you'll discover: • Why Jay believed 'people leave' but kept lying anyway (the twisted logic of addiction) • The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' and what finally changed • Did he see my staying as weakness or strength? (you need to hear this) • How addicts put 'stock in their ability to lie' and why that delusion keeps them trapped • The difference between desperate plate-spinning vs. mastermind manipulation (who we work with) • When it finally hit him that I wasn't going to tolerate this forever (it wasn't what I expected) FOR PARTNERS: If you've ever wondered whether your loyalty is being used as a weapon against you, this conversation validates everything you're feeling. Jay reveals what was really going through his mind when I stayed, when I threatened to leave, and when I finally meant it. FOR ADDICTS: If you're thinking 'just one more time' or 'she'll never find out,' you need to hear why that thinking is borrowed time, not clever strategy. PLUS: What I did every time we had a bad conversation (separating boxes, DIY divorce books, and the grief that always followed). COMMENT BELOW: Do you ever feel like YOUR LOYALTY OR KINDNESS is used against you? TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro: Did you think I'd never leave? 00:34 Did you think she'll never leave me, so I can keep doing this? 01:42 Did you think you'd never face real consequences? 03:29 Did you ever test my limits? 04:14 Did it ever sink in that I might actually leave? (Lori's experience) 06:13 What I did with MY ANGER (separating boxes & DIY divorce) 07:16 Did you realize my staying wasn't the same as healing? 08:22 Did you misinterpret my silence as a GREEN LIGHT? 10:09 Did you mentally calculate how much I'd put up with? 11:24 Was your ABILITY TO LIE A SOURCE OF PRIDE? 12:34 Did you see me as WEAK FOR STAYING? (his answer surprised me)* 15:04 The type of men we work with 15:40 How many times did you think 'she'll never find out'? 17:22 The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' 17:28 QUESTION FOR VIEWERS: Is your loyalty used as a weapon? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #narcissisticabuse #gaslighting #toxicrelationships #marriagehealing #trustissues #emotionalabuse #christianmarriage #deception #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    19 min

  5. OCT 6

    What I Expected Her to Just GET OVER (I Was SO WRONG) –

    When addicts first get caught, most expect their partner to just move on: “I'm sorry! I quit! let's never talk about this again!” But here's the brutal truth: that mindset destroys any chance of real healing. In this raw conversation, Jay reveals what he expected Lori to just get over shortly after D-Day, and why that expectation was completely backwards. We break down: • WHY ADDICTS RESIST talking about it • The SILENT TACTICS keep partners trapped • What "PROACTIVITY" actually means in recovery • Why betrayal trauma is like still being IN COMBAT • ONE THING that would have SPED UP our healing (both partners need to hear this) • Why this is NOT BIBLICAL or healthy For addicts: If you're frustrated, she's not "over it yet," this will show you what you're actually asking her to carry. (Hint: Trust isn't something you automatically deserve.) For partners: If anyone has told you to just forgive and move on, this validates why that advice is toxic. You're not being stubborn. You're in trauma. And he needs to understand what that really means. This is about what real repair looks like versus just getting back to ‘status quo.’ Because maintaining peace through silence isn't peace at all. Timestamps 00:00 Hook 00:39 Intro 01:42 How quickly did that mindset kick in for you? 04:00 Why does she keep talking about it? 06:52 Did you pressure me even silently to move on faster (or maybe not so silently)? 09:55 I didn't want to work hard. 10:45 What surprised you most about how long healing really takes? 11:35 What is the "lived out" definition of what you need? 13:58 How did learning about betrayal trauma change your expectation? 15:50 What did you need to unlearn about healing timelines to really show up for me? 18:01 What advice would you give to men who are frustrated that their wives aren't "over it" yet? 19:23 For our listeners: Did anyone tell you to "Just get over it?" 20:17 If you could go back to the beginning, what's one thing you would tell me about the pace of healing? 21:52 What Lori wished had happened. 23:36 Your silence may be costing you your peace. 24:58 Behind the Scenes -- We mentioned The Basics of Rebuilding Trust, buy it here: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    13 min

  6. SEP 22

    HOW I HID My Porn Use while “In Recovery” (every LYING TACTIC) – 6.09S

    Jay explains many deception tactics he used to hide his addiction. From robotic denials to fake confusion, playing dumb to calculated outbursts, this video exposes the manipulation patterns that betrayed partners recognize but often can't prove. It also covers: -Specific moments Lori caught him using these tactics -Addicts’ delusions and brain fog -Calculated timing of confessions -Partial truths If you're a betrayed partner questioning your sanity or an addict wondering how long your tactics will work, this conversation will open your eyes. The lies addicts think are CLEVER are actually TRANSPARENT—and prolonging deception only makes healing harder for everyone. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 02:10 What tactics did you use to lie and cover up your porn use? 03:07 Minimizing is lying 04:27 Becoming re-sensitized 06:14 Ever play dumb or fake confusion to avoid getting caught? 07:05 USED THE TRUTH to make your lies more believable? 08:33 Addicts test the waters by dripping the information out 10:41 Ever knowingly PLAYED UPON MY SYMPATHIES? 12:46 Phrases or emotion did you fake to throw me off? 13:51 Robotic lines 14:32 Using anger to hide 15:53 Ever not think too hard? 17:01 The DELUSIONAL Brain Fog* 17:57 Ever used my trauma fog or MY KINDNESS against me? 18:33 Waited me out, hoping I would forget? 20:40 What tactics did we forget? Let us know in the comments. -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #betrayedwife

    22 min

  7. SEP 8

    The Emotions I Refused to Face (addicts run from these things) – 6.08S

    In this compelling episode, we tackle the challenging subject of emotional avoidance and addiction recovery. Jay opens up about his struggles with feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and boredom, which led him to turn to porn. We discuss the importance of facing these emotions head-on, rather than fleeing from them, as well as HEALTHIER coping mechanisms and the significance of accepting, rather than resisting, life's emotional challenges. We start with testimonials from listeners that underscore the impact of Jay's vulnerability and transparency in helping betrayed spouses on their recovery journeys. Highlights of this episode: - The shocking fear a 6'0" ex-military man couldn't face (this will surprise you) - Why boredom is actually dangerous and how it triggers relapse cycles - The difference between wanting to numb emotions vs. learning to feel them (game-changer) - How to tell if you're using 'recovery' to avoid real healing (most people miss this) - The #1 sign you might be addicted (hint: it's about 5-second interactions) - Practical coping techniques that actually work long-term (not just band-aids) TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro and Listener Feedback 04:05 Why BOREDOM is an issue for addicts 05:28 Dealing with PAST TRAUMAS 06:43 What truths were you refusing to face? 07:22 A fear Jay had not dealt with 09:20 Any truths about yourself you were afraid to face? 09:41 What did those fears feel like in your body? 11:23 Which of the feelings were THE MOST UNBEARABLE? 11:41 Did running away work? 14:16 Did you think NUMBNESS WAS A STRENGTH? 15:40 When did you first start using coping techniques to deal with those emotions? 16:31 SOLUTION: TO build RESILIENCE, ask "What bad really happens?" 18:18 What could you 'not handle'? (Expectations v. Acceptance) 22:38 3 biggest emotions you now face? 26:11 How to create LONG-TERM DOPAMINE 28:02 Behind the scenes -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    14 min

  8. AUG 25

    When I Chose Porn Over God (and What Happened Next) – 6.07S

    Jay opens up about the internal voice telling him to confess his porn addiction - and why he actively chose to ignore it for years. We explore: • The pattern of CALCULATED DELAY • What that "voice of truth" actually sounds like • The PERSONAL COSTS of ignoring God's promptings • The split-second decision between truth and silence • How SILENCE IS NEVER NEUTRAL • When lying feels holy If you're struggling with porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or wondering whether to come clean about your secrets, this conversation offers hope and practical insight into this crucial part of the recovery process. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 00:28 Did you ever feel like you should tell the truth? 01:39 Jay describes the VOICE OF TRUTH (hearing God) 04:36 Earlier opportunities to avoid D-Day 06:29 What did you do when the voice showed up? 08:06 On feeling unlovable 10:05 When the wife ACCEPTS THE ADDICTION 12:55 Misunderstanding about ATTRACTIVE WOMEN 15:44 HOW GOD SEES US (3 ways) 18:35 Did you think silence would keep you lovable? 21:50 Personal COSTS of ignored nudges 24:31 Silence is never neutral 28:16 Was there a question I SHOULD HAVE ASKED to make you confess? 30:28 Was there any part of this that felt holy or virtuous? (spiritual costs) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

    35 min
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4.8
out of 5
12 Ratings

About

Practical Tips to help your relationship, by the time you finish your first cup–with Relationship Mentors, Jay and Lori Pyatt

Information

  • Creator
    Jay & Lori Pyatt
  • Years Active
    2019 - 2025
  • Episodes
    121
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    ©Jay and Lori Pyatt
  • Show Website
    Coffee with The Couple Cure