Commentary Fairy

ArtSpear Entertainment

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TV & Film

Joe Bauer and Rita Artmann of ArtSpear Entertainment, creators of Toon Sandwich and other, less-well-known comedies, watch and commentate over popular (and distinctly unpopular) movies - excavating plot holes, inventing wild theories, and squeezing every possible drop of irreverence and absurdity out of each scene and line of dialogue.

Feb 25

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #105 - Final Destination: Bloodlines

Rita and Joe have their piercings ripped out by an MRI machine in Research Mode as they talk over Final Destination 6.

5 min
Jan 20

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #104 - Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight

Rita and Joe are tempted by demonically chivalric Billy Zane into talking over 1995's Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.

5 min
07/10/2025

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #103 - The Next Three Days

In 2010, Rusty Crowbar starred in a criminally (or perhaps not-so-criminally...?) underrated white-knuckle thriller from the writer-director of the film that stole Best Picture from Brokeback Mountain with a title that could describe any film that includes a 72-hour period in its narrative. But I implore you - don't lock this one away. Bust it out of its snap case and run with it, because it's a smart, tightly scripted, hugely rewarding pulse pounder with superbformances that I incarcerate very highly. Discussed in this episode: Our confusion as to exactly which three days are the titular "Next" Questionable justification for bursting into a home to forcibly arrest someone with no criminal record and no reason to expect resistance Ty Simpkins - the Ty-cast cutie-kins Hollywood Simp'd for The most important button in modern fiction Neeson Needsom quick cash! Buying ice as an icebreaker that will hopefully lead to slipping into their fake-IDMs The US's lax passport photo requirements - "Front on? BOOOORING!" The life and times of David Pintumbler, inventor of the Pin Tumbler Lock Would you a-leave ya wife for Olivia Wilde? The call of a wild Mouss Holding off on learning the location of the house you're dropping your son off at on the most intensely pre-planned day of your life because you need to throw in some unknown variables to keep it exciting for yourself Elizabeth Banks banking on Rusty's banking skills to get her bank into the car Sharing a scene with Russel Crowe! [as the face of one of the FBI's 40 most wanted fugitives] Joe mixing up countries again, this time with a focus on South America The real way they tracked down Osama Bin Laden: through his casting agent. Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion! (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:35)

5 min
03/15/2025

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #102 - A Bronx Tale

Robert De Niro directs a film about a young bucking Bronxo whose soul hangs in the balance, swinging like an Italian sausage between two male role models: his working-class loyal Dad and his murdering-class local dirtbag. (His mother vanishes completely after the first act, not that he ever noticed her). Along the way he stumbles into a love-at-first-100-sights relationship, a race war triggered by undeclared cycling boundaries and the longest dice-rolling tournament in the history of cinema, complete with claustrophobic time-out penalties, to ensure a great game is as fun as possible. But as Dad Niro tells him, "The choices that you make will shape your life forever." I'm pretty sure the only choice we see this kid make is to lie to the police to protect a murderer, so I can't feel too much pity for him if his life ends up shaped like a chalk outline. Discussed in this episode: Cyclone Alfred An American Tail 2: Feivel Goes West and other "Tale" movies. Oh no - a thief with racist, hate-crime-committing BFFs who idolises fat, old, drug-addicted career criminals and animal killers like they're the Justice League is in danger of becoming imperceptibly MORE corrupted! "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be homeless." Confessions of a boy who was forced to go to Confession The architectural superfluousness of stoops A biker gang getting beaten up by a book club of overweight senior citizens, with speeded up footage to maximise the absurdity "If your date doesn't do this incredibly specific, bafflingly inexplicable thing upon getting into your vehicle, drop her like a molotov cocktail onto your own stash of unused molotov cocktails." Calogigula running to thank Sonny for depriving him of the one positive character decision he could have made for himself TWIST! Oscar-winner Joe Pesci was in the car that was having its windscreen cracked a little, so Sonny was 100% justified in shooting that guy in the arm, the brain, and then two more times while he was bleeding out on the ground instead of just threatening him with the gun and getting him to stop because it was an act of LOVE. Bless you, Sonny. May angels wing thee to thy rest. And then curb-stomp you. A Better Tale: Road To Perdition Amazon Prime screwing over unauthorised commentary makers with its unskippable mid-roll ads, rendering feature-length synchronisation virtually untenable Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion! (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:09)

5 min
01/22/2025

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #101 - Scream 6

No matter how many times these peanut-eyed-ghost-mask-wearing psychos get killed, they just won't stay dead. Some new psycho (and their plus one) always takes up the mantle, rents the same Halloween costume, downloads the exact same Roger L. Jackson voice modulator app and takes a stab at it, usually in retaliation for a previous psycho. "Maybe THIS time the recurring plan to [needlessly] fake one of our deaths and frame one of our victims will finally succeed!" Spoilers, it doesn't. I mean, THERE'S the solution if you want to do something new - don't relocate to New York - let Thanos WIN, and then regroup in the next film and ENDGAME Ghostface's twin butts! But also, if you insist on doing Scream Takes Manhattan, make better use of the locale than a subway car and a Kwik-E-Mart! Have Ghostface chasing them round the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink or up the Statue of Liberty - "Give me your tired, your poor, and I'LL GUT THEM LIKE A FISH!!!" Ah, no one listens. Discussed in this episode: The dwindling number of "Dream" songs to parody The Scream franchise's frustratingly bungled numbering system The untreatable psychosis of someone who would rather stab Samara Weaving to death than take her to dinner An unexplored plot thread: the difficulty of making new friends when your past friends were famously eviscerated Ghostface's vintage, implausibly-distressed grunge mask The "Ghostface = nepo-baby" connection Nick Cave (and presumably the Bad Seeds) getting paid royalties every time someone makes a new Scream movie and goes low-effort on the soundtrack Scream 7: Sahara Something you would be unlikely to find in a New York apartment: a long stepladder. Candyman's three competing backstories The characters somehow knowing Gale's home address immediately upon hearing it Missed opportunity to have THREE Ghostfaces on screen at once Several characters conveniently disappearing into the phantom zone because they're not required for the ensuing scene Irresponsible films that fail to realistically depict the extreme agony of being stabbed in the gut - agony that would still be felt ten/twenty minutes after the initial stabbing and would absolutely preclude laughing, cracking jokes or leaping casually into the back of a mother$@%&ing ambulance. Jenna Ortega screwing her castmates out of a job by demanding too much money for Sc7eam (aka my story idea for Sc7eam) (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:59)

5 min
01/10/2025

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #100 - Titanic

100 EPISODES! 🎉🎊🥳 Have we really wasted this much time? It sounds like something we'd do. And what better film to blabber through in celebration of reaching syndication than the third-highest-grossing film of all time (adjusted for inflation) - TITANIC! Apparently one of the most incredible true stories in history wasn't incredible enough for James Cameron, who thought a whirlwind, forbidden romance and a priceless lost treasure that have both remained secret for 84 years would be the cherries on top. And boy was he right! When the ship hits the phantom iceberg, you want a cinematic wunderkind like Jimbo at the helm to steer you into an ocean of box office riches. ( 100 episodes is a nice round number, but fear not! The Fairy will go on... [sorry that was meant to be "fear a lot"] ) Discussed in this episode: The impossible argument of whether or not it's more impressive to win every category your nominated in or to win the same number but be nominated in MORE categories. Rose's complete erasure of the pre-cucked husband she presumably lived with for decades It's a-me, Fabrizio! The official Titanic door-opener, whose duties extend into the afterlife Leo's predilection for younger partners The 1912 twink haircut, resurgent Kate Winslet's digitally-unmanipulated breasts Rose using Jack's sketch to taunt her fiancée, not to cherish as a treasured memento of the most "erotic moment of her life". Our various strategies to survive the sinking The harsh reality of the steerage passengers who chose to face their doom prostrate in their beds First Officer Murdoch's descendants sending James Cameron to the principal's office for depicting what is still Murdoch's most probable fate The most thank-god-they-cut-that Deleted Scene in cinema history James Horner's precognitive musical superpowers that helped him win the soundtrack lottery "Come Josephine In My Flying Machine" rocking the 1910 airwaves (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:37)

5 min
11/24/2024

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #099 - Old

Join us for an M. Night in as we age ourselves two hours watching one of Rita's favourite flicks from the last decade - a tropical getaway adventure to a secluded beach surrounded by the kind of minerals that would make anyone in the skincare industry shit their pants and fall out of bed screaming. If Neutrogena found out about this little slice of paradise, they'd drop a hydrogen bomb on it. But the thing is, most people wouldn't even need to travel to this magical beach. Aging rapidly whilst feeling trapped and unable to achieve anything? I don't even have to leave my room. Discussed in this episode: OLED screen-protecting features that don't protect your viewing experience from blowing chunks, and demand to be warranty-voidingly disabled Having billions of dollars to spend on scientific research but no pocket change left in the budget to spend on fancying up the hazardous-waste-looking entrance to the beautiful beach you're trying to convince people to visit Lady Gaga's secret cameo Guy's eyebrow-raising method of comforting his kids by grabbing their heads and pressing them into parts of his body Rita being dissatisfied with the quantity of tumours presented to her None of the characters making the mental leap to move away from someone who is slashing at them with a knife M. Night's character being a perfect facsimile, in that he puts himself in full view when he doesn't have to and really shouldn't. The children experiencing the life of a social media influencer: a never-ending bikini-clad beach holiday in which you only focus on your body and never work a single day The aging being caused by mineralchlorians The buy-one-get-one-free-disease couplet of schitzo surgeon and honeycomb-bones trophy bimbo Taking reef conservation way too far by hesitating to break one flimsy stalk of coral to save your drowning sister The previous victim who impulsively did a Hail Mary swim through the coral and didn't make it The beach that makes fonts old Rita Kriepily seeing Joe's mother in every short-haired middle-aged woman DELETED SCENES, including most of Abby Lee's character (none of M. Night's scenes were cut, thank god) Young - the Minnesota-set sequel we need (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 0:51)

5 min
11/10/2024

[PREVIEW] 🎙🧚‍♀️ #098 - Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Disney does it again! The studio that rose to prominence acquiring other people's stories and turning them into something magical has mutated into the studio that buys other studios and turns their IP into something calculatedly profitable. Although in this case, they seem to have miscalculated. Is it as bad as many believe? Did Disney raid Indy's tomb and fail to find anything that belongs in a theatre? Should the ending of this film be Indy using the Dial to erase the last two Indy films from history, Deadpool-2-style? The only way to answer these questions is to look inside your heart and see the huge glowing word "YES" there. Discussed in this episode: The Indiana Jones alternating Nazi/Non-Nazi antagonistic force In-de-aged-a Jones and the Uncanny Valley The modern trend of maximising verisimilitude by flat-out refusing to do any lighting for night-time scenes Bringing "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory back to 214 BC Syracuse just to see if the locals are capable of getting amongst it James Mangold's masochistic hatred of Boyd Holbrook Always set your time travel story in 1969 so you can reference the moon landing and the Vietnam War and hippies The when-would-you-time-travel-to? game Calzones = pizza perfected How every one peanut is actually two peanuts Chocolate being the agreed-upon best tasting thing on Earth Teddy - a character in this film, we swear - cold-bloodedly and unnecessarily dooming someone to a watery grave Indy's sick, self-hating compulsion to always lead the bad guys to the artefact and have them steal it from him Archimedes splitting his Dial into three pieces to avoid it being reassembled, but bafflingly keeping two of the pieces right next to each other Mads Mikkelsen's plan: 1) Kill Hitler 2) Start giving orders 3) Hope that no Hitler-loving Nazis object to steps 1) and 2) American humor vs British humour vs Australian humour vs [fart sound effect] haha! bonzer How did Archimedes discover how to make a time sphincter in the clouds? Robert Zemeckis being pestered constantly by Universal to set the torch to his artistic integrity and make Back to the Future Part IV (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 1:44)

5 min

Joe Bauer and Rita Artmann of ArtSpear Entertainment, creators of Toon Sandwich and other, less-well-known comedies, watch and commentate over popular (and distinctly unpopular) movies - excavating plot holes, inventing wild theories, and squeezing every possible drop of irreverence and absurdity out of each scene and line of dialogue.

Creator

ArtSpear Entertainment
Years Active

2K
Episodes

104
Rating

Explicit
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© 2021-2025 ArtSpear Entertainment
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Commentary Fairy