Episode 9: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Now that they’ve shown you several places where there is tension in their relationship, Chad and Angela start to explain how you can tell there is growth in those areas. Now that you have awareness around some of the content issues, what does continued growth look like. How do you connect in moments of distress? The only person who can really give you assurance in the places where you have past meaning, is your partner. You can’t get the assurance you need from yourself. Feedback from the person who matters the most is what helps inform us that we are ok. Angela explains that in those hard places, she needs to know that Chad is on her team. In the past, they used to just ‘hit the gas’ without understanding that something was happening. Now, they can slow down and acknowledge the other person’s experience. They can now take care of each other differently because they have been able to talk about it. Minutes 5-10: You can’t remove all of the triggers in the world. All you can do is give and get assurance that even it goes wrong, you’ll be ok. A lot of energy is spent trying to get it right. It would take pressure off and decrease the energy we use if we could get some space to fail and still find acceptance from our partner. Angela explains that for pursuers, when she knows Chad is on her team, and he is there to help her, she can be more flexible with the plans she is holding on to for safety. There is escalated energy around past would that is used to try to keep us safe can shift if we have assurance from our partner. Chad explains that if he is spending energy and effort trying to get things perfect, then he is missing the moments- and, there is no perfect thing anyway. The only way he can get it right if he lets someone else into the space- who he knows is for him. Minutes 10-15: Both sides of the cycle, once they sink down from the surface protection, end up turning on themselves and becoming their own worse critic. Everyone needs assurance- that our partners are there for us. We lose confidence in the assurance of our connection when we get into these negative cycles that are informed by our past wounds. That is why we need to be able to slow down and evaluate ‘where did it go wrong?’ If a couple can slow down and share each other’s experience and do repairs around the miss, then they have a better chance of getting it better (not perfect) next time the familiar content shows up. If you can say, ‘I feel myself doing this thing…’ and let you partner know what is happening, you have a better chance of getting ahead of it. We feel understood by the other person when we can explain our experience and share it and get responded to. Minutes 15-20: Often people would say, “shouldn’t you go work on that,” or “you need to go to therapy,” but the one place where we need assurance is in our most valued relationship. When our partners can know us in our insecure places and give us assurance and affirmation, we have better chance of getting the healing we need around these spots that can hijack us. Often, these past wounds or ‘raw spots’ cause us to be self-focused. We get into protection mode and lose our connection with each other. Angela explains a little bit about big ‘T’ trauma and little ‘t’ trauma. When it’s a big even that is traumatic, it can be easier to identify and therefore you can get the help or healing you need around those big occurrences. When there are little themes and meanings and messages that have caused pain over time, it can be harder to identify them and therefore harder to know how to find healing from its influence. Minutes 20-23: If we can break down what is happening, we have a better chance to make a decision- together- if anything needs to change. Definitely get help and healing around the huge things that have hurt you, but also… make an effort to understand what influenced some of the little things that have shaped the way you interact with your partner in ways that interfere with your connection. Connect Point: In this connect point, Chad and Angela want you to take some time and discuss what it would look like to share some of the places where you have been stuck and also consider what growth could look like for you. For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
