It is presently half past nine in the evening. I’m going to attempt to catch the uncatchable, the unputtable-into-words experience of awakening that I had today. I say “awakening” with some amount of scare quotes in there because it feels so wild to say, “Oh hey, I awakened today.” But what I know is that when I was in the experience, it was made very clear to me that there was a part that I touched that was a completely realized, awake being. That’s the first time that I have touched that place before. It was absolutely incredible. What’s funny about this experience is that this feeling of awakening was so profound and so pervasive that I thought all of humanity had awakened. I was like, “Oh shit, it’s already here?! What is today? Like the 13th of January, 14th of January, 2026. I didn’t think we would make it here this fast. Damn, this is awesome, with Trump in the White House, and everything just flayed open, but we made it!” There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to worry about. Those words, these words, they just don’t fully capture it. It’s so far beyond, which I know sounds stupid, but these words are the best I have, so we make do. I really thought that when I came down out of this high, that I was going to call my friends and that everyone on the planet would have had this awakening experience at the same moment. We would all be like, “Oh gosh, this is amazing.” I literally thought all of humanity had awakened with me. Let me just give you a little context about Bufo. For those of you who have not worked with the medicine or are not familiar with it, it is considered widely to be the most powerful psychedelic on the planet. Some call it the God molecule, 5-MeO-DMT. It is collected from the toad, expressed from the glands on the back. It is a venom that is smoked. Yet it’s so gentle. It is so extraordinary and exquisite. My intention for today has been to dissolve fear because there’s always anxiety that comes up before dosing on the medicine. Then, as I’m inhaling, as it’s kicking in, there’s fear. What’s very merciful about this medicine is that it dissolves the fear. Often, I am doing some amount of purging. The fear physically leaves my body as I am vomiting. Of course, we have this ugly word, vomit, in English. But if I understand correctly, in many other languages, it means to get well. To vomit is to get well. That’s absolutely what I experience every time I go through this process. What is there to say about such an extraordinary, ineffable experience? I thought we all awakened together. I thought the whole planet was having this experience of unity consciousness at the same time as me. It was pretty wild. It was like, well, there’s nothing to do, but we’re not dead, so we might as well do something anyway. It brought a sense of lightness and aliveness. At the same time being poured back into this physical body. It’s an extraordinarily humbling experience coming back into the anger, the layers of, I mean, if you haven’t worked with Bufo. Maybe if you can imagine eight different threads that you’re currently pulling on and investigating in your life. I don’t know. How does the universe work? Is it this way or is that that way? I’m just going to live into this question and see what evidence the universe brings. If I handle it this way, if I wait, if I rush, if I hurry, how is this going to play out? The universe is in conversation with me. It’s like, oh, yeah, that’s how that played out. Oh, okay. Then I can look in the rearview mirror and go, all right, I see what we’re doing here. I see what I’m being asked to shift into. But at any given time, there’s a bunch of those different threads being pulled, many different things, like my cats are not getting along, financial decisions being made, and all these somewhat disconnected questions that I’m living into in my life. There are so many decisions that I need to make. How do I prioritize all these competing things that need to be done? Bufo comes through, and it just pulls on like all eight of those strings at once. So I’m coming back from this profound experience where we are all awake already, everything is perfection, and there is nothing wrong. There’s nothing that I must fix. I think this might be the first time in my life that I’ve ever felt in my body there was nothing for me to fix, nothing for me to do or to figure out or to know that I didn’t already know. So exquisite. Such a relief to know that that place even exists. Then, as I’m poured back into the density of this body, I lay down on my bed, and my body began to… not exactly shake, more like make these very detailed circular movements that felt very much like unbraiding an intricate braid. As I’m doing this, my old patterns of behavior are releasing. I’m saying to myself, “Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. I will not be doing that thing that I thought I might do. I will not be handling it that way.” My body is shifting. My body is shifting. I’m giving myself permission to feel as I feel. All this new information is coming in as all these different threads get pulled through. It’s just a bit of, I don’t want to say it’s a bit of a mindfuck because that makes it sound like I’m getting scrambled. It’s the opposite of that. It’s that things are being put back into order, even though I have the slightest clue what the order will be once it’s in that order. There’s some deeper surrender to the process that is, yes, it’s founded in trust. Yes, it’s founded in the dissolving of the fear that the medicine has been helping me with for, I don’t know, maybe two, three years. It doesn’t even cost as much as faith or trust. It’s just this allowance of what is happening to happen and not needing to control it so much anymore, which has definitely been a big arrow piercing through the stories of my life. I just don’t have to understand, control, or fix all this stuff. It’s really difficult to accept for some part of me who’s done that my whole life, perhaps taking an identity of being the person who understands well enough to fix, to control. Who am I if I’m not that person who’s the best at fixing and controlling? I don’t know, but I like her. I really like her. The more I do that, the more I like her, meaning me. So, Bufo… I have wanted to talk about it, and then I haven’t wanted to talk about it again, and then I have wanted to talk about it. It’s very complex for me. I don’t come from a lineage of curanderas in the tradition of Bufo. I’m a white woman. I can’t apologize for being a white woman. I also don’t wish to mask, hide, and censor whole portions of my experience. So, I’m talking about this today with some trepidation. I think everybody should by now understand that I’m a white lady talking about a traditional medicine. This only represents my personal perspective. I absolutely don’t recommend that you work with this medicine in the way that I do. I’m only here to share the experience and the perspective for what it is, not to aggrandize it. But also, my tendency has been to shut myself up. I’m really, really lonely when I do that. So, I’m trying to learn to stop making myself invisible and to instead become transparent to myself, transparent to others, and transparent in public. Oh my god, I feel like I could die, but I’m gonna do it anyway. So, here we go. I’ve been working with Bufo in handshake doses, very tiny little doses, because I work primarily by myself. Sometimes I have someone on Zoom. Sometimes I have someone physically, but most of the time I’m working with it, just me and the cats. Don’t you? It’s me, the cats, and a bowl of papaya. That’s what we got. We got a yoga mat. We got some incense. I need to work with a small enough dose that I don’t lose consciousness. I don’t want to endanger myself physically for obvious reasons. It’s been a process of dissolving fear since the very beginning. Every dose dissolves another layer of fear. Every journey, every ceremony dissolves another layer of misunderstanding and helps me remember. Also, it has literally helped my memory come back together. For those of you who’ve been following along for a while, you may remember that I had an accidental overdose, which was Prozac, by the way. I took a month of Prozac by accident due to a pharmacy error, which significantly impacted my nervous system for a very long period of time. I was in bed for seven weeks. I lost down to something like 85 pounds, maybe less. Yeah, it was a really difficult time. I’d been having memory issues for a while that caused a lot of anxiety. I don’t know why it was the case that whenever I would try to use my sound equipment, it would cause immense anxiety to unplug the system and plug it back in. I would just shut down. I could not connect and reconnect my equipment, which made doing one of the things I love the most in the world stressful. It was not good times. I had to get little Tile finders to put on my keys and my wallet. I even tied one to a coat rack so that I wouldn’t have to look for the Tile to find my phone. Anyway, created this whole elaborate system of Tile tags on everything because I just couldn’t do these really basic things, like trying to leave the house. I would go into a spin because I couldn’t find my keys, couldn’t find my wallet. Anyway, I rarely use my Tile tags anymore because my brain got stitched back together in the process of these many journeys. Plugging in my sound equipment is not stressful at all anymore. I’m so beyond humbled and grateful that this medicine exists and that I was brought into it by a dear soul sister of mine, which makes me cry. I feel so grateful that I get to do this work with this medicine. Today, I did two successive small doses and hit this level of consciousness. I hit a well of what it is to be a fully awakened, realized
