Dateable()AF

Rachel Howell & Dr. Sarah Kyle
  • 5.0 (9)
  • SEXUALITY

The Dateable AF podcast is hosted by Dr. Sarah Kyle and Rachel Howell. Please check out our website https://www.dateableaf.com/ Dateable AF is a relationship podcast that goes deeper than dating advice. Hosted by a therapist and a researcher, the show breaks down the emotional patterns behind connection, conflict, identity, and growth. We skip platitudes and focus on what actually helps people relate more honestly, securely, and sustainably. Hosted by two longtime friends, this show dives into the wild, wonderful, and often WTF world of all kinds of relationships—with honesty, humor, and zero shame. Expect smart takes, relatable stories, and the occasional U-Haul reference. Producer: Jordan Cannon & Shelly Silvey Grabe Theme Song: Cade Kyle A huge thanks to our sponsors and trailblazers at Shody Media LLC. Disclaimer: Podcasts featured on Shody Media are independently owned and operated by their respective hosts. All views, opinions, and statements expressed are solely those of the individual creators and guest do not reflect the views of Shody Media. Shody Media assumes no responsibility or liability for podcast content.

  1. S3E9: Owning It vs. Explaining It: What Accountability Looks Like in Real Life

    3D AGO

    S3E9: Owning It vs. Explaining It: What Accountability Looks Like in Real Life

    Dateable AF Show Notes: S3E9: Owning It vs. Explaining It: What Accountability Looks Like in Real Life Have you ever tried to talk to someone about something that hurt you, only to walk away from the conversation feeling like nothing actually changed? Maybe they explained their intentions. Maybe they shared their stress, their reasoning, or what they meant by what they said. And by the end of the conversation, you understood them better. But somehow you still didn’t feel repaired. In this episode of the Dateable AF Podcast, we explore the difference between explaining yourself and truly taking accountability. The two can sound very similar in conversation, but they create very different experiences in relationships. Explanation can sound thoughtful and reflective. Context can be helpful, and understanding someone’s intentions does matter. But explanation tends to center the person who caused the impact. Accountability shifts the focus toward the person who experienced it. That shift is often the moment where real repair begins. We talk about what genuine accountability actually looks like in everyday relationships. It usually includes naming what happened without minimizing it, recognizing the impact without arguing with it, and showing a willingness to behave differently moving forward. Accountability is less about proving that you’re a good person and more about demonstrating that you understand the effect your actions had on someone else. We also discuss why people so often default to explaining themselves instead of owning the impact. Explanation protects identity. It helps people feel rational, justified, and understood. Accountability, on the other hand, requires tolerating discomfort and sitting with the possibility that you hurt someone, even unintentionally. For many people, that moment of discomfort can feel threatening, which is why they instinctively reach for explanation instead. This dynamic shows up in many everyday relationship conversations. You hear phrases like “I didn’t mean it that way,” “I was stressed,” or “You know that’s not who I am.” Those things may all be true, but they don’t necessarily address the impact. When explanation replaces accountability over time, trust can slowly erode, not because mistakes happen, but because repair never fully lands. We also explore what accountability actually sounds like in practice. It often includes statements like, “I can see how that affected you,” “I understand why that hurt,” or “I want to do this differently going forward.” Accountability doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence and a willingness to face what happened. When someone truly owns their impact, conversations shift from defensiveness toward connection, and that’s where real repair becomes possible. If you’ve ever felt like conversations about hurt feelings keep going in circles, this episode will help clarify why. After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: When something goes wrong between us, do we tend to explain more than we own? And what would help us feel truly repaired? If this episode sparked something for you, we’d love to hear from you. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. And if this conversation made you think of someone in your life, please share the podcast with them. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    29 min
  2. S3E8 “Nothing’s Wrong… So Why Am I Unhappy?”: When Safety Becomes Stagnation

    MAR 5

    S3E8 “Nothing’s Wrong… So Why Am I Unhappy?”: When Safety Becomes Stagnation

    Dateable AF Show Notes: Sometimes the hardest relationship problem to name is the one where nothing is technically wrong. There’s no betrayal, no explosive conflict, no obvious crisis. On the surface, everything looks stable. The relationship is calm, predictable, and relatively easy to maintain. And yet something feels off. In this episode of the Dateable AF Podcast, we explore the quiet paradox that many couples experience: a relationship that feels safe but also strangely lifeless. When things become comfortable but emotionally flat, people often feel confused about why they’re unhappy. After all, isn’t safety what we’re supposed to want? We talk about the difference between stability and intimacy, and why a relationship can be peaceful but still feel disconnected. Many couples slowly drift into this place through normal life circumstances like work stress, parenting, routine, and emotional autopilot. Without conflict or crisis to force change, relationships can settle into patterns that feel functional but not particularly alive. We also unpack the emotional cost of this kind of “safe but stuck” dynamic. People in these relationships may experience boredom, loneliness, emotional withdrawal, or quiet resentment. Some find themselves fantasizing about other possibilities or wondering why they feel disconnected even though they still care deeply about their partner. As we discuss in the episode, you can be loyal to a relationship and still feel lonely inside it. Another important part of the conversation is why couples often stay in this space for a long time. Fear of rocking the boat, gratitude for stability, and the belief that “others have it worse” can all keep people from acknowledging that something feels missing. But stability alone does not automatically create intimacy. We also look at how stagnation shows up in everyday life: conversations that stay surface-level, partners living parallel lives, scrolling on phones together instead of engaging, or intimacy that happens on autopilot rather than from genuine connection. Over time, comfort without curiosity can slowly create distance. Finally, we talk about how couples can bring energy back into a relationship without needing a crisis to force change. Rebuilding aliveness often begins with simply naming the flatness honestly and gently. Introducing novelty, asking better questions, sharing hopes and fears, and tolerating a little awkwardness can help partners reconnect. Small emotional risks, taken consistently, can bring vitality back to relationships that have become too comfortable. If you’ve ever wondered why a relationship that looks fine on paper still feels unsatisfying, this episode will help you understand what may be happening and what can help. After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where do you notice comfort turning into autopilot in your relationship, and what do you miss about how you used to connect? We’d love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. And if this episode resonated, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    36 min
  3. S3E7: “It’s Easier If I Just Do It”: Why You’re Always the One Who Adjusts

    FEB 26

    S3E7: “It’s Easier If I Just Do It”: Why You’re Always the One Who Adjusts

    Dateable AF Show Notes: Have you ever thought, “I’ve explained this so many times. Why doesn’t anything change?” In this episode of Dateable AF, we talk about one of the most exhausting relationship experiences: doing all the emotional work, communicating clearly, staying calm, using “I” statements, and still feeling stuck in the same cycle. This is not an anti-communication episode. Communication matters. But sometimes communication is not the problem. Sometimes the problem is that nothing changes, no matter how clearly you speak. We start by unpacking the myth that if you could just say it the right way, things would finally improve. Modern relationship culture often tells us to keep trying. Say it nicer. Say it calmer. Say it again. When nothing shifts, people start blaming themselves for “not explaining well enough.” The truth is that clarity does not create change when someone is unwilling or unable to change. Next, we talk about the kinds of issues that words alone cannot fix. You cannot talk someone into sobriety. You cannot explain your way out of abuse. Love does not replace treatment for untreated mental illness. Understanding does not create emotional capacity where there is none. And repeated boundary violations are rarely misunderstandings. If someone truly understood and cared, their behavior would already look different. We then explore why people keep trying anyway. Hope, fear of loss, sunk cost, trauma bonding, and the desire to believe the best about someone all play a role. For many people, continuing to explain feels safer than facing the possibility that the relationship may not change. One of the central ideas in this episode is the difference between being heard and being safe. Someone can listen, nod, agree, apologize, and still keep doing the same thing. Understanding without change is not intimacy. It is stagnation. Real safety in relationships is built through consistent behavior, not good conversations. From there, we shift into what actually helps. Instead of more emotional labor and more heart-to-hearts, most people need clearer boundaries, observable behavior, realistic timelines, meaningful consequences, and stronger support for themselves. Boundaries are how you stop negotiating with reality. We close by reminding listeners that you can communicate perfectly and still be in a bad situation. If something keeps happening, it is not a misunderstanding. Love does not require endurance. And you do not have to stay just because someone understands you. Reflection After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where are you still trying to explain something that has already been made clear, and what are you afraid might happen if you stopped trying to convince them? Connect With Us We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    37 min
  4. S3E6: Why Your Relationship Changed When You Did: When growth creates distance between partners

    FEB 19

    S3E6: Why Your Relationship Changed When You Did: When growth creates distance between partners

    Dateable AF Show Notes: Have you ever thought, “I’ve explained this so many times. Why doesn’t anything change?” In this episode of Dateable AF, we talk about one of the most exhausting relationship experiences: doing all the emotional work, communicating clearly, staying calm, using “I” statements, and still feeling stuck in the same cycle. This is not an anti-communication episode. Communication matters. But sometimes communication is not the problem. Sometimes the problem is that nothing changes, no matter how clearly you speak. We start by unpacking the myth that if you could just say it the right way, things would finally improve. Modern relationship culture often tells us to keep trying. Say it nicer. Say it calmer. Say it again. When nothing shifts, people start blaming themselves for “not explaining well enough.” The truth is that clarity does not create change when someone is unwilling or unable to change. Next, we talk about the kinds of issues that words alone cannot fix. You cannot talk someone into sobriety. You cannot explain your way out of abuse. Love does not replace treatment for untreated mental illness. Understanding does not create emotional capacity where there is none. And repeated boundary violations are rarely misunderstandings. If someone truly understood and cared, their behavior would already look different. We then explore why people keep trying anyway. Hope, fear of loss, sunk cost, trauma bonding, and the desire to believe the best about someone all play a role. For many people, continuing to explain feels safer than facing the possibility that the relationship may not change. One of the central ideas in this episode is the difference between being heard and being safe. Someone can listen, nod, agree, apologize, and still keep doing the same thing. Understanding without change is not intimacy. It is stagnation. Real safety in relationships is built through consistent behavior, not good conversations. From there, we shift into what actually helps. Instead of more emotional labor and more heart-to-hearts, most people need clearer boundaries, observable behavior, realistic timelines, meaningful consequences, and stronger support for themselves. Boundaries are how you stop negotiating with reality. We close by reminding listeners that you can communicate perfectly and still be in a bad situation. If something keeps happening, it is not a misunderstanding. Love does not require endurance. And you do not have to stay just because someone understands you. Reflection After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where are you still trying to explain something that has already been made clear, and what are you afraid might happen if you stopped trying to convince them? Connect With Us We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    36 min
  5. S3E5: Fear of Being Seen vs. Fear of Being Left: Why You Abandon Yourself Before Anyone Else Can

    FEB 12

    S3E5: Fear of Being Seen vs. Fear of Being Left: Why You Abandon Yourself Before Anyone Else Can

    Dateable AF Show Notes: S3E5: Fear of Being Seen vs. Fear of Being Left: Why You Abandon Yourself Before Anyone Else Can Have you ever thought, “I’ve explained this so many times. Why doesn’t anything change?” In this episode of Dateable AF, we talk about one of the most exhausting relationship experiences: doing all the emotional work, communicating clearly, staying calm, using “I” statements, and still feeling stuck in the same cycle. This is not an anti-communication episode. Communication matters. But sometimes communication is not the problem. Sometimes the problem is that nothing changes, no matter how clearly you speak. We start by unpacking the myth that if you could just say it the right way, things would finally improve. Modern relationship culture often tells us to keep trying. Say it nicer. Say it calmer. Say it again. When nothing shifts, people start blaming themselves for “not explaining well enough.” The truth is that clarity does not create change when someone is unwilling or unable to change. Next, we talk about the kinds of issues that words alone cannot fix. You cannot talk someone into sobriety. You cannot explain your way out of abuse. Love does not replace treatment for untreated mental illness. Understanding does not create emotional capacity where there is none. And repeated boundary violations are rarely misunderstandings. If someone truly understood and cared, their behavior would already look different. We then explore why people keep trying anyway. Hope, fear of loss, sunk cost, trauma bonding, and the desire to believe the best about someone all play a role. For many people, continuing to explain feels safer than facing the possibility that the relationship may not change. One of the central ideas in this episode is the difference between being heard and being safe. Someone can listen, nod, agree, apologize, and still keep doing the same thing. Understanding without change is not intimacy. It is stagnation. Real safety in relationships is built through consistent behavior, not good conversations. From there, we shift into what actually helps. Instead of more emotional labor and more heart-to-hearts, most people need clearer boundaries, observable behavior, realistic timelines, meaningful consequences, and stronger support for themselves. Boundaries are how you stop negotiating with reality. We close by reminding listeners that you can communicate perfectly and still be in a bad situation. If something keeps happening, it is not a misunderstanding. Love does not require endurance. And you do not have to stay just because someone understands you. Reflection After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where are you still trying to explain something that has already been made clear, and what are you afraid might happen if you stopped trying to convince them? Connect With Us We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    33 min
  6. S3E4: You’re Not Bad at Communication. You’re Tolerating Too Much: When Talking Doesn’t Fix the Problem

    FEB 5

    S3E4: You’re Not Bad at Communication. You’re Tolerating Too Much: When Talking Doesn’t Fix the Problem

    Dateable AF Show Notes: S3E4: You’re Not Bad at Communication. You’re Tolerating Too Much: When Talking Doesn’t Fix the Problem Have you ever thought, “I’ve explained this so many times. Why doesn’t anything change?” In this episode of Dateable AF, we talk about one of the most exhausting relationship experiences: doing all the emotional work, communicating clearly, staying calm, using “I” statements, and still feeling stuck in the same cycle. This is not an anti-communication episode. Communication matters. But sometimes communication is not the problem. Sometimes the problem is that nothing changes, no matter how clearly you speak. We start by unpacking the myth that if you could just say it the right way, things would finally improve. Modern relationship culture often tells us to keep trying. Say it nicer. Say it calmer. Say it again. When nothing shifts, people start blaming themselves for “not explaining well enough.” The truth is that clarity does not create change when someone is unwilling or unable to change. Next, we talk about the kinds of issues that words alone cannot fix. You cannot talk someone into sobriety. You cannot explain your way out of abuse. Love does not replace treatment for untreated mental illness. Understanding does not create emotional capacity where there is none. And repeated boundary violations are rarely misunderstandings. If someone truly understood and cared, their behavior would already look different. We then explore why people keep trying anyway. Hope, fear of loss, sunk cost, trauma bonding, and the desire to believe the best about someone all play a role. For many people, continuing to explain feels safer than facing the possibility that the relationship may not change. One of the central ideas in this episode is the difference between being heard and being safe. Someone can listen, nod, agree, apologize, and still keep doing the same thing. Understanding without change is not intimacy. It is stagnation. Real safety in relationships is built through consistent behavior, not good conversations. From there, we shift into what actually helps. Instead of more emotional labor and more heart-to-hearts, most people need clearer boundaries, observable behavior, realistic timelines, meaningful consequences, and stronger support for themselves. Boundaries are how you stop negotiating with reality. We close by reminding listeners that you can communicate perfectly and still be in a bad situation. If something keeps happening, it is not a misunderstanding. Love does not require endurance. And you do not have to stay just because someone understands you. Reflection After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where are you still trying to explain something that has already been made clear, and what are you afraid might happen if you stopped trying to convince them? Connect With Us We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    37 min
  7. S3E3: Shame and defensiveness in relationships: Why You Feel Accused When No One Is Accusing You

    JAN 29

    S3E3: Shame and defensiveness in relationships: Why You Feel Accused When No One Is Accusing You

    Dateable AF Show Notes: Have you ever had a partner say, “Hey, can we talk about last night?” and immediately felt like you were in trouble? Even when no one is blaming you, your body reacts like you are being attacked. Your heart races. You get defensive. You start explaining, justifying, or shutting down. Suddenly, a simple conversation turns into a fight. In this episode of Dateable AF, we explore why that happens and what it has to do with shame, not weakness. We start by unpacking what shame actually is and how it differs from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” In relationships, shame gets louder because being close means being seen. And being seen is where old wounds tend to live. From there, we talk about why defensiveness shows up so quickly. Defensiveness is not a character flaw. It is a nervous system response. When your brain thinks your identity is being threatened, it moves into self-protection mode. That can look like explaining, counter-attacking, withdrawing, getting sarcastic, or emotionally checking out. We also break down why you can feel accused even when your partner is being neutral. Often, this comes from early relational experiences where mistakes led to punishment, emotions led to conflict, or needs led to disappointment. Your nervous system learned that being seen was dangerous. Over time, your brain started scanning for threat instead of truth. Shame also collapses nuance. It turns “I felt hurt” into “You are a bad person.” When that happens, it becomes almost impossible to stay open. Next, we look at how shame and defensiveness quietly wreck communication. You end up arguing about tone instead of impact. You litigate facts instead of talking about feelings. You stop listening. You miss chances to repair. And even though defensiveness is meant to protect you, it usually makes things worse. Then we shift into what actually helps. We talk about how “just don’t be defensive” is useless advice. What works instead is learning to name what is happening in real time, separating your identity from your behavior, staying present with discomfort, and getting curious about what your partner actually meant. One of the biggest reframes in this episode is that being uncomfortable does not mean you are in danger. We close with practical takeaways about how feeling accused does not mean someone is blaming you, how defensiveness is often a sign of shame, not malice, and how you do not have to prove you are good in order to be loved. Repair starts when you can stay open instead of armored. Reflection After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where do you notice yourself getting defensive, even with people who care about you, and what do you think you are protecting yourself from in those moments? Connect With Us We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it. Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    34 min
  8. S3E2: “Are You Regulated or Just Really Good at Not Feeling?”

    JAN 22

    S3E2: “Are You Regulated or Just Really Good at Not Feeling?”

    Dateable AF Show Notes: A lot of people think emotional regulation means staying calm. But calm isn’t the same as connected. In this episode, we unpack one of the most misunderstood concepts in modern relationship culture: emotional regulation — and how easily it gets confused with emotional suppression. Because you can look “together,” be low-drama, and even feel composed… while being completely disconnected from what you actually feel. And that disconnection shows up everywhere — in dating, in partnerships, in friendships, and in how safe it feels to be emotionally close to anyone. 🧠 What We Cover We talk about: What emotional regulation actually is (and what it isn’t) Why suppression is often praised as maturity How being “fine” can be a trauma response The difference between being calm and being emotionally present How suppression quietly erodes intimacy What real regulation looks like in everyday relationships You’ll learn why: You can be angry and regulated. You can cry and regulated. And you can be calm and still be completely shut down. Or as we put it: “Regulation means your feelings are online — they’re just not driving the car.” 💬 Why This Matters Many of us learned that being easygoing, not needing much, and not rocking the boat was the goal. Suppression kept us safe. It kept us accepted. It helped us survive. But in adult relationships, that same strategy can turn into: Avoiding conflict instead of resolving it Over-accommodating instead of expressing needs Feeling “fine” while quietly disconnecting And the cost is intimacy. Because emotional regulation isn’t about feeling less — it’s about being able to feel and stay present. 🪞 A Question to Sit With Where in your life might you be calm… but not actually connected? Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember: be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF. 🔥 HANDFUL Bras to get your 30% discount use code DATEABLEAF

    32 min
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About

The Dateable AF podcast is hosted by Dr. Sarah Kyle and Rachel Howell. Please check out our website https://www.dateableaf.com/ Dateable AF is a relationship podcast that goes deeper than dating advice. Hosted by a therapist and a researcher, the show breaks down the emotional patterns behind connection, conflict, identity, and growth. We skip platitudes and focus on what actually helps people relate more honestly, securely, and sustainably. Hosted by two longtime friends, this show dives into the wild, wonderful, and often WTF world of all kinds of relationships—with honesty, humor, and zero shame. Expect smart takes, relatable stories, and the occasional U-Haul reference. Producer: Jordan Cannon & Shelly Silvey Grabe Theme Song: Cade Kyle A huge thanks to our sponsors and trailblazers at Shody Media LLC. Disclaimer: Podcasts featured on Shody Media are independently owned and operated by their respective hosts. All views, opinions, and statements expressed are solely those of the individual creators and guest do not reflect the views of Shody Media. Shody Media assumes no responsibility or liability for podcast content.

Information

  • Creator
    Rachel Howell & Dr. Sarah Kyle
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    85
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Shody Media LLC
  • Show Website
    Dateable()AF

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