drafts by andrei

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random thoughts and philosophy essays andreiludv.substack.com

10.01.2023

...instead of an introduction

I have a weird relationship with writing. I love it and hate it at the same time. I feel differently about it, depending on how I do it. Paper is intimate, phone is fleeting, typing on a laptop is substantial, and dictation... well, that's the one I like to forget about even though it's very useful and cute. Nevertheless, expressing myself always has been an issue. I have to make sure it is perfect. That it looks and reads great from the get-go. Thus, it's not only about my word choices—it is about my writing choice, my language choice, my environment choice—my everything choice. It is so stressful even before I actually start doing it; stressful before I actually should become stressed. But at the same time, nothing else feels as satisfying. Having my brain pause for a second trying to find the right word, while another stream of thought is rushing forward, dragging whatever is already written to vastly different terrains. It's the true expression of both my ADHD and my fight with it; of my depression and my fight with it; of my anxiety and my fight with it. This internal dialectic is beautiful and fascinating to reflect upon—I wish I could say the same about the end product. That’s why as I’m battling lymphoma (I was diagnosed with stage III classic Hodgkin’s lymphoma this Sep 15th), I am going to try to work on developing my mature writing voice here as I’m going to be reading through some Hegel and Žižek. By the way, this post is a repost of an earlier piece I published here but now with an added audio recording that goes in more depth on some of these thoughts. Let’s go I guess… ; This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit andreiludv.substack.com

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random thoughts and philosophy essays andreiludv.substack.com

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