Going Deeper with Benjamin Leppier

Benjamin Leppier
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Benjamin Leppier is the founder of Going deeper and is on a mission to equip, empower and support men and women, to let go of all things that don't serve them, become more loving husbands, wives, partners and  find more quality time with the kids, to get ahead in life, increase physical and emotional health, leading to more fulfilment and freedom in life.

  1. 3d ago

    The secret isn’t less conflict - It’s better conversations...(Bitesize)

    Our Resources: My Website: https://www.thedamngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Links etc: Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform So it was Sunday night, 6.30pm. We'd just finished a 45-minute family council with our three girls. Surprisingly productive!!! We have been having them for about 10 years now, so they know the drill. We spoke about what's great about each child, some specific feedback. We gave them permission to tell Kerry and I where we're messing up as parents right now ( I double dare you to do that and not defend what they say, but instead say - 'Thank you').  We talked about the dog responsibilities that have quietly disappeared into life noise, reset expectations so everyone knows what's expected (and we don't have to keep asking over and over like nut jobs), and reallocated chores to match age, maturity and interest. The bonus round? Guinea pigs... again. (May our last RIP.) Parent Tip: Put the most fun subject and the sweets or fruit at the end. Attention magically improves.  We were on a roll, so later that evening Kerry and I followed it up with our fortnightly Couples Circle. I opened with one question: "Why is our relationship so strong?" As people who spend our lives helping couples, we're often asked incredibly complicated questions about relationships that have taken years to slowly unravel. And quite often, our answers seem so simple that people almost don't believe them. Before I tell you what we said, a quick note.  What is a couples circle? It's simply this: Two people. A candle. A talking piece. One speaker. One listener. A few thoughtful prompts. And... lock the bedroom door. The point is to create a formal space for deeper speaking and listening that exists beyond logistics, calendars, children, bills and "What's for dinner?". You respond only to the questions being asked. So here's my question: If you already know about Couples Circle...and you're not doing it...Why not? Answers on a postcard to Monmouth. Anyway, back to the juicy bit. These aren't word-for-word, but they're very close. Ben 1. We genuinely want to spend time together. Being together is our favourite place to be. I look forward to seeing you. I look forward to hearing about your day. You reflect the best parts of me, and you look for those parts in me too. You also don't leave things unsaid. If something needs saying, you say it gently before it turns into resentment. I don't always enjoy hearing it in the moment, but I always want to become a better husband, and I need your honesty for that. Loving you never feel like work. 2. I want your life to be amazing. I want you to thrive as a mum, as a woman, in your learning, your workouts, your homeschooling, your friendships, every part of your life. Your happiness matters deeply to me. Not because it's my job to create it, but because I want to protect it and support it wherever I can. If I'm investing my time and energy anywhere first, it's in you. You're my number one. Kerry 1. Our communication is excellent. We have clarity. We have consistency. We prioritise each other. We share diaries. We rarely have chaotic weeks because we're constantly communicating. You help bring me out of my head and back into my heart. I can become wrapped up in managing life, emotions, children and logistics. I help bring organisation into your world...and remind you, for the hundredth time, where you're meant to be at 4pm, even though it's already in the diary. That ongoing openness keeps life feeling light instead of overwhelming. 2. We laugh. A lot. Most of our interactions include a smile. Some conversations aren't funny. Some are uncomfortable, anxiety-producing or confusing. Sometimes we don't have the answers. But we stay in the conversation until we do. Until we find the light...or the light finds us. Closing stuff So there you have it. Pretty simple, isn't it? Now, that doesn't mean your answers need to sound like ours. Every relationship has its own language, priorities and strengths. But after years of watching relationships fall apart and helping many of them recover, I've become convinced of something. Healthy relationships aren't built on complexity. They're built on thousands of simple moments done consistently. Fear complicates things - Confusion complicates things - Focusing on the wrong areas in your relationship complicates things. Connection is often much simpler than we imagine. So here's this week's encouragement. What day this week will you make time for your version of this conversation? Actually put it in the diary. Light a candle. Close the door. Ask one question. Listen. (See I have put this in bold and blue and written this comment next to it - honestly the better you listen the less work you'll have to do, people just know when you aren't really listening)  And if your partner thinks it's a bit cheesy, awkward or rolls their eyes...Smile. If they are resistant, don't try to convince them or change their mind. Just invite them. Sometimes the strongest relationships aren't built by two people who both feel ready. They're built because one person quietly keeps creating a safe place for connection until the other discovers they wanted it all along. We would love to hear from you If you want to be removed simply reply STOP and we'll remove you right away. Have a wonderful day Ben and Kerry x

  2. May 28

    The Exhausting Game Most Couples Are Playing (Bitesize)

    Our Resources: My Website: https://www.thedamngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Links etc: Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform Most couples come to relationship work with a list. A list of what their partner does wrong. A list of what needs to change. A list of disappointments, frustrations, resentments and unmet needs. And honestly, many of those complaints are completely valid. But the longer I do this work, the more I realise that most couples are trying to solve the wrong problem. Because often the relationship problem is not actually the relationship problem. The real suffering tends to come from the stories we attach to our partner’s behaviour. A forgotten moment becomes: “He abandoned me.” A distracted answer becomes: “She doesn’t care about me.” A conflict becomes: “I’m not important.” “I’m alone.” “I’m rejected.” “I’m unsafe.” And once these stories take root, the mind begins searching for evidence to confirm them. The mind becomes a private investigator. We stop meeting our partner and start meeting our story about them instead. Fear Is Loud One of the central ideas explored in this episode is that fear dominates attention far more easily than love does. Fear feels urgent. Fear feels like survival. Fear barges into the room demanding certainty, reassurance and control. Love is quieter. Love waits to be invited. Most relationship reactions are not actually expressions of truth. They are fear responses disguised as certainty. “I’ll relax when you change.” “I’ll feel safe when you behave correctly.” “I’ll feel loved when you finally understand me.” People build entire marriages around this strategy, despite having very little evidence that it actually works. The Control Trap Much of the conflict in relationships comes from trying to control discomfort internally by controlling someone externally. If I can get you to behave correctly, perhaps I can finally rest. But control is often fear wearing responsibility’s clothes. And underneath most controlling behaviour sits something much more vulnerable: fear of abandonmentfear of rejectionfear of not being enoughfear of being controlledfear of being unseenfear of being unimportantThis episode explores what happens when we stop trying to “win the case” against our partner and instead become curious about the fear underneath our own reactions. What Doing “Your Work” Actually Looks Like Doing your own work does not mean becoming passive, silent or endlessly self-blaming. It looks more like: catching yourself building a court casenoticing criticism before it leaves your mouthfeeling the fear underneath the angerbecoming curious instead of certaintaking responsibility for your reactionssaying: “I’m scared.” “I feel rejected.” “I don’t feel important.”Instead of disguising those feelings as criticism, withdrawal, punishment or control. A central idea in the episode is this: Awareness interrupts automatic suffering. The Hardest Question Perhaps the deepest question explored is this: “Can I stop demanding that my partner removes my fear for me?” Your partner can support healing. But they cannot do your work for you. And strangely, this is not bad news. It is the beginning of freedom. Because the moment we stop trying to reprogram another human being into our emotional safety plan, we begin getting our lives back. Final Reflection Great relationships are not made of perfect people. They are usually built by two imperfect people becoming: more honestmore awareless defendedless controllingless afraidLove breathes in responsibility, not control.

  3. Jan 23

    Bens story: I Tried to Fill the Hole With Women, Drugs and then God

    Summary In this deeply personal solo episode, Ben shares the unfiltered story of his relationship with desire, intimacy, addiction and faith, and the long road that followed. From early experiences of wanting to be wanted, through chaotic relationships, substance abuse and the shame that came with it, he reflects on how a relentless hunger for attention quietly shaped his life and nearly destroyed what mattered most. Ben speaks honestly about the collapse of a long relationship, the years of drugs and distraction that followed, and the moment he realised that believing you need something can drive you to sacrifice everything for it. Along the way, he explores the unexpected turning points, meeting Kerry, becoming a father, losing everything financially, and slowly learning how to sit with pain rather than run from it. The episode traces a spiritual and psychological awakening, from men’s work and grief rituals to a profound moment of inner reckoning that brought self-forgiveness, peace and a new way of seeing himself. This is not a story of arrival, but of honesty, humility and ongoing work. If you’ve ever tried to fill an inner emptiness with sex, success, substances, spirituality or approval, this conversation is for you. Our Resources: My Website: https://www.thedamngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Links etc: Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform

  4. 09/15/2025

    Bitesize: When Love Listens Book Launch - Sneaky Peaky

    When Love listens buy it now - http://bit.ly/4ptPpxm What if the breakdown in your marriage wasn’t the end—but the beginning of something deeper, stronger, and far more honest than anything you’ve had before? When Love Listens: The Marriage Book You Never Got (But Definitely Needed) is a lifeline for couples who are exhausted from trying, fed up with feeling unseen, and quietly terrified that their relationship is slipping through their fingers. This isn’t another surface-level self-help book full of vague advice and tidy clichés. This is the real thing—raw, compassionate, and relentlessly practical. Marriage coach Ben Leppier brings over a decade of in-the-trenches experience to this book. He’s worked with hundreds of couples and seen it all: the stonewalling, the sexless months (or years), the parenting battles, the resentment that builds like plaque in your emotional arteries. He’s sat with people in their ugliest moments—and helped them find the courage to love differently. This book is not about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding the patterns, pain points, and survival strategies that silently sabotage connection. It’s about learning the difference between listening to defend and listening to understand. It’s about responsibility—not as blame, but as power. It’s about growing up emotionally, without losing the messy, beautiful vulnerability that intimacy requires. You’ll find: Stories of real couples navigating real chaos—with honesty, heartbreak, and hope Tools to stop circular arguments and actually move forward Deep dives into the emotional dynamics underneath money fights, sexual disconnection, and parenting pressure Insight into identity, ego, childhood wounds, and how they show up in adult love A powerful section on the Enneagram to help you understand yourself—and your partner—like never beforeYou won’t find neat formulas or false promises. Instead, you’ll find clarity, courage, and a roadmap that helps you recover the love you thought was lost—and build something more meaningful in its place. Whether you’re the one doing all the emotional heavy lifting, or the one who’s finally ready to show up differently, When Love Listens meets you where you are and calls you forward. It’s a book that doesn’t sugar-coat the truth, but holds your hand through it. If you’re done with shallow fixes, and ready for deep repair—this is your book. Ben’s approach is deeply informed by the likes of Brene Brown, Richard Rohr, Byron Katie, and the Enneagram framework—but it’s not theoretical. It’s gritty, grounded, and forged in the crucible of real-life relationship struggle. He doesn’t write from an ivory tower; he writes as someone who’s made his own mistakes, learned the hard way, and walked the long road back to connection in his own marriage. When Love Listens isn’t just a book—it’s a mirror, a flashlight, and a map. A mirror to see your part more clearly, a flashlight to illuminate what’s really going on beneath the surface, and a map to help you move forward with intention and love. You’ll laugh, cry, feel seen—and, most importantly, start to believe that healing is possible. If you’ve ever sat across the room from someone you used to feel so close to and wondered, “How did we get here?”—this book will help you answer that. And if there’s still a pa

  5. 05/27/2025

    Q&A with Ben: Stop the Madness - How Anger, Arguments, and Perfection Are Killing Connection

    Our Resources: My Website: https://www.thedamngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Links etc: Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform Todays Q&A Content: 1 - My husband constantly gets angry around the kids. I hate it and, honestly, it intimidates me. What can we do? Anger is really unpleasant to be around, it says a number of things I don't care about you only me It can feel threatening like you might be physically hurt When someone is angry at you, it's hard to see anything other than what they might do to you. Unless its your children, then you might determine, this is awful, what are they going to d to themselves, then we jump into the pain pit of 'I am a terrible parent' Well you are the kind of person listening to this so that helps The angry people who really need to hear this will not be seeking it because they don't even know they need it,m they haven't even woken up yet One thing for sure, is that there is always some untreated hurt underneath the anger You get what you need first Partner second - see them clearly before you can help them Kids 3rd There may be previous life events that they are still carrying from back in primary school they might be having a tough time at work and feeling like they aren't providing, if you haven't had sex in a while and haven't spoken about it, they might be feeling unattractive and distant from you physically. There are a multitude of reasons  2 - Every time I try to bring something up, it turns into an argument. How do we break that cycle? You're saying I need you to love me, he says I need you to love me, then you say No No NO, you aren't listening again you need to listen to me! Timing, timing, timing.  If he just walks in the door and barks at the kids - that is not the time to bark at him. I am not saying that his anger is acceptable, merely helping you find an effective time TO communicate with him So get the kids down to bed, let him know after dinner that you would really like to talk about X & Y for 30 minutes after the kids are down. If he is really not in a good place you either scrap it that night or tell him, do whatever you like to relax until I come down then we can talk. Know that whatever you say, he will have a counter argument and believe that what you have to say is unfair or unjust, he can't help it. You have a long way to go but this is a great start. In other words once you have told him what you want he will also want to tell you what he wants to change and that's alright. You do get to say - Can we talk about what you want tomorrow, if you are just not in that place.  As calmly as you can suggest checking in again same time next week to see how we're doing with it - this is an accountability issue as much as it is a behavioural issue 3 - I am afraid of my wife - she wants everything perfect all of the time and if I am not on point 100% of the time, then its hell https://www.enneagraminstitu

  6. 05/15/2025

    The Rites of Passage: a call to Manhood. Will you answer?

    To find out more go to: https://www.malesireland.ie/rites-2/ Content: Listen to the voices of men who stepped into the unknown as boys and emerged as men, grounded in their value and clear in their place in the world. Their stories are raw, real, and transformative. Is it time you answered the call? The Rites of Passage is being held in Ireland this year and we warmly invite you to follow the link and apply.  The next Rites of Passage event in the UK is being planned for 23rd - 27th July 2025. This is not about religion, but about spirituality.  About age-old traditions that guide men into manhood.  About coming to trust that there is something much greater at work in your life than you could ever imagine. Taking you sometimes OUT of your comfort zones, but more deeply back into your own life. You may find yourself mentally, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually challenged. This is part of the experience for some men: it may feel risky or uncomfortable; you may not always feel in control. Throughout the 5 days you will be held by an experienced team of male elders who have all previously undertaken the Rites themselves. As the Elders take you through the process of the Rites you will experience drumming, ritual, fire, silence, small groups, wilderness, solo-time, teaching... and more. Our Resources: My Website: https://www.damngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform

  7. 05/07/2025

    Beneath the Armor: Why Strong Men Are Failing at Love with James Ray

    James resources: Website: https://www.xcc.org.uk/ Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/james-ray-a6400b72/ In this episode we: Why the wilderness is good for men (and to be together as men) What masks and armour have we worn as men and why? What is Alpha male and how does it serve us? Fierce and tender 'all the time' [Last of the Mohicans] Responsibility (you are 100% responsible for your life) and balance (be aware of the extremes). Take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for what's next.  Mansplaining - Why do we do it and what the hell is it? Joining community - we have to bend and twist, but it will be a great good for us Our Resources: My Website: https://www.damngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Links etc Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform Tell us a bit about yourself What have men been lacking and what are they currently lacking? Alpha males - nature story Victimhood What do men say is missing in relationship? They really thought it was a trade, I do this for you and you do this for me. You look after the kids and the home and I go to work to earn the money and then when I get home I want good sex and time with my friends. Now in working relationships where both partners are working often fullt time, but she also has familial responsibility, things are wearing a bit thin What does strong look like? Emotionally strong, means you say sorry and mean it, admit and see when you are wrong, be willing to take responsibility or ownership when your partner screws up and don't hold it against her. Being able to hold a hard line with your kids when necessary and know when they want a tender touch Kerry says Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans in the perfect male

  8. 04/02/2025

    (Mens Circle) Brotherhood and beyond - The power of male support networks

    Our Resources: My Website: https://www.thedamngoodlistener.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedamngoodlistener/ Linkedin: benjaminleppier Summary In this episode 5 men openly discuss their own personal views on: Why are they attracted to mens work? What IS mens work to them? What is a friend? They discuss real life situations and dig into how mens groups fill a gap for them or make a bridge to a place they would rather go and live the way they really want to live. Links etc Link for intelligent change https://www.intelligentchange.com/?rfsn=8339894.e05f4e7&utm_source=refersion&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=8339894.e05f4e7 Use discount code: DAMNGOODLISTENER for 10% discount If you enjoyed this episode why not buy Ben (or Kerry) a coffee, all donations, small or great, are gratefully received: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/headtohearttransform

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About

Benjamin Leppier is the founder of Going deeper and is on a mission to equip, empower and support men and women, to let go of all things that don't serve them, become more loving husbands, wives, partners and  find more quality time with the kids, to get ahead in life, increase physical and emotional health, leading to more fulfilment and freedom in life.

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