Gymkommentary!

Chris Moreno and Matt Singer

Movie and Television Commentaries from The Peanut Gallery

Episodes

  1. 11/28/2011

    GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

    Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go! No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something. The Tale of the Tape Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983) Director: Sam Firstenberg Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ninja Revenge Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner. IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie Reviews To get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary As you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're getting revenge for something too. So it's like Revenge of the Ninja on the Revenge of the Ninjas. But then it gets MORE complicated: because the Sho's business partner gets -- SPOILER ALERT! -- double crossed on a drug deal, and he's ALSO a ninja and then HE gets revenge. So it's really Revenge of the Ninja on the Ninja Who Wanted Revenge on the Ninjas Who Previously Got Revenge. I think I read somewhere that that was the original title. Whatever you want to call it, this is another craptacular 80s flick from one of our favorite directors here at Gymkommentary, Sam Firstenberg (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). There are fights and more fights and then a fight on a badminton court. That's right: this commentary will rock your shuttlecocks or your money back! Since you didn't pay a dime, I'm not too worried.

  2. 10/15/2010

    GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

    Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before. Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) Director: Robert Wise Runtime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut") Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven" Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future. IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Some people might see a movie like Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think, "This movie's boring, I wonder what's on Sleuth." I saw it and thought "This movie's boring, I gotta watch this with Chris!" And watch it we did, though I wouldn't say we were...energized? Get it? Energized? Star Trek? Eh? Eh? Eh. Anyway if you're a fan of ponderous science-fiction with no sense of pacing, and of two goofballs doing terrible James Doohan impressions while drinking straight Coconut Jack, this movie and this Gymkommentary are for you. And if you're not, may we suggest our upcoming sci-fi reality show V'Ger-sey Shore, about a spaceship full of Gorilla Juiceheads who encounter a mysterious intelligence on the edge of space (i.e. Belmar, New Jersey).

  3. 04/22/2010

    GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

    The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them. (OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.) (In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.) (We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.) The Tale of the Tape Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) Director: Gavin Hood Runtime: 107 minutes Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood Whatsoever IMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire Internet To get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary This time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.

  4. 03/01/2010

    GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

    They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement. And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs. The Tale of the Tape Film: Righteous Kill (2008) Director: Jon Avnet Runtime: 101 minutes Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your assistant's assistant's assistant, or fill up your Bentley Mulsanne's gas tank with biodiesel on indie cred and old Academy Awards. Sometimes you gotta take a job for the paycheck. But it'd be nice if you at least pretended to care about the role while you were playing it. You can't say De Niro and Pacino phone it in in Righteous Kill. Their performances are too disinterested than that; it's more like they text it in. And when you're getting out-acted by a former New Kid on the Block, it's time to step up your game. Which is exactly what Matt and Chris did when they took on this mega-bomb. Are you righteous enough to join them? NOTE: As of March 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

  5. 02/01/2010

    GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

    Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state." Merriam-Webster can go eff himself. Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Stabilizer (1986) Director: Arizal Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary This Indonesian action classic may be our most obscure Gymkommentary subject to date, but I promise: after this movie and this commentary, you will never look at stable things the same way again. A guy who sorta looks like Rambo heads to Asia to blow the holy crap out of stabilize Jakarta, where he fights a guy who sorta looks like Mr. T and another guy who uses golf cleats as a deadly weapon. That Greg Rainmaker, he is the man we hate the most, but The Stabilizer, it is the movie we love almost as much as Gymkata. NOTE: As of February 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

4.5
out of 5
6 Ratings

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Movie and Television Commentaries from The Peanut Gallery