An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012. Transcript: I: So yeah, just like a general sense of the weekend. What was it like for you? P: I wasn’t really sure going in what to expect, but I came out a different person for sure. It’s more about your self. It’s more about really . . . it’s like self-awareness. It’s really finding out what makes you tick, what’s bothering you. Kind of I guess, just looking at where you are now and where you want to be, and what your gaps are and why you’re not there. I took a lot away from it. And it wasn’t just about the “H”, but more about your self. Pain’s the way I thought about myself actually. And I think about other people, too. I think a lot of it was some of the exercises we went through. I guess opened my eyes. I was feeling kind of alone and disconnected, a lot of different things. I didn’t know whether I could do it, but I guess I just have a whole different prospective on where I was at, and why I was doing certain things to myself when there really was no reason to be that way. I was in a different kind of place, I guess. I just wasn’t thinking in the right frame of mind for a long time, I think. I knew it was a problem, but I never—I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want to go there. I think a lot of it is, you’re vulnerable, the fear, there’s so many different things, you know, that can go into it. Once you can recognize what it is, you can really start to build some kind of foundation on how you want to change it. (02:38) I: Good. It sounds like the beginning of a new path for you was actually to start looking at maybe the stuff that you didn’t originally want to look at. P: Exactly. Yep. That’s what it is. Sometimes you just need a push, you know. You just need someone to say the right things, the right words, and of course you need to let it all out. I mean, I hadn’t had a meltdown like that probably for, well, I don’t know, for a long time. (03:07) I: How you’re explaining it, it almost sounds like it was purging something from you that had been trapped inside for a while. P: Yes. Yes, that’s another good word. Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, you do it with yourself, but when you have other people there that are just kind of listening, and helping you along, and giving their perspective. It makes a difference. I think it really opens your eyes up to a lot of different possibilities, different opportunities, things you didn’t look at before. I mean, a lot of it, I look at myself saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Or my mind was so closed on a certain path or a certain way that I wasn’t even looking at other avenues. And then to hear the other people, “Gosh, I said that problem, too, and this is how I handled it, or it wasn’t exactly similar, but . . .” I mean, that kind of put a little bit in perspective too that I was really thinking, “Of course, I’m alone and no one else is feeling this. What is wrong with me?” You know, that kind of thing. [Laughs] (04:12) I: You’re the only one. [Laughs] P: Yeah, your mind just plays so many different scenarios. And my problem was, I wasn’t letting anybody in, wasn’t telling anybody anything, but it was more than that for me, it wasn’t just about the “H”. And I realized that. It’s not really about that. It’s more about coming in tune with yourself, and really valuing what you have to bring, and then just like listening to other people, too. It was really—I’m really glad I went. I wasn’t going to, I didn’t want to, and you know the whole “H” thing, that’s just another part of my issue, but I’m really glad I did because it really opened up my eyes to a lot of different things, and how much I was shutting a lot of stuff down that I shouldn’t have been. It helped me really, you know say, “God, I have all these people out here, why am I not reaching out? What is wrong with me?” It really kind of put that back into perspective that I don’t have to go through all this alone. It just helped me say—you know I kept saying, ”Yeah, I accept it. I accept it.” But I really don’t think I did to be honest. (05:26) I: Umm hmm. It sounds like you felt really supported. P: Yeah, I did. Yeah, probably for the first time in a long time. I: Wow. How does that feel to say that? P: It feels good, really. I’ve been trying to take it all in the last couple days, and each day I get better, I get more confident. I’m more—I’m not thinking of the negative things, I’m thinking of “Okay, what can I do to push it through. There’s got to be some other avenue or another thing I can do.” Instead of just saying, “Okay, it’s not going to work. I’m done.” Then you shut yourself down, and you miss out on some many different opportunities or maybe different possibilities you didn’t think of before, you didn’t look at before. (06:12) I: Yeah. What else is different about you now? P: I don’t know. I guess I feel a little bit more of a relief. I don’t feel the weight on my shoulders any more. I feel that I can just look at certain things and take it one step at a time. Whereas before I just felt so closed in. I felt like, “God, it’s too much. I just can’t do it.” I’m feeling more like this is an obstacle, but how can I get around it? Or what can I do to help me face it? For the most part, I got out the value that I wanted for me. It was a really good experience for me. I’m so glad that I [Laughs], I finished it because I think I would have been very disappointed in myself if I didn’t. (07:03) I: If you were to tell someone who might be considering coming to the seminar, but they’re afraid or they don’t really know what it’s about . . .what would you tell that person? P: I would tell them that I felt the same way. Without giving it away, it’s about “H”, but it’s something more. It’s more of like a movement. And it’s really about your self. It’s really about taking a weekend and really—it’s like a retreat. Take a weekend and just really think about yourself. Sometimes you need that, you need . . . and don’t be afraid to have someone push you because sometimes we need that push. You’ll really be glad you did because you’ll really find out things about yourself and other people that you would never found out if you didn’t go to the seminar. It’s really valuable even though you might think, ”God, I don’t need this.” because I didn’t think I needed either. Because everyone thinks they’re coping with things when they’re really not, so I think I would just encourage them. Yeah, you have “H”, but there’s [sic] other things you’re going to get out of the seminar that I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised at the end, and how you feel about yourself and other people. (08:21) I: I think you said that for you, it felt pretty heavy at the beginning like when you first came in you felt pretty heavy, but by the end, it was like the weight was off, I feel really light, I feel free. P: Yeah. Yeah, it was like a—it was freedom, it was a relief; I’ve been carrying a lot on my shoulders. Just as I was driving today, I was coming back from somewhere and I’m like, “My God, why was I doing that all of these years? I was taking on this burden.” (08:51) I: Before you came to the seminar, when you had disclosed, you had gotten rejected. How do you feel about disclosing to someone now? P: Much better. Much better. I think it was my whole attitude . . . I’m like, “They’re never going to accept this and you can’t go in like that. It’s so much different how I feel now about it. I don’t know. It’s kind of hard to explain. I have a whole different perspective on that now. And even talking to other people, the other participants, and even the staff regarding that . . . I mean, it’s—I don’t know, I just feel like I’m more confident for some reason. I think that has a lot to do with feeling you’re worthy, you deserve it . . . I never really felt that way before. I always thought, “Alright, I don’t deserve it. I did something wrong.” [Laughs] (09:49) I: And now you feel like now you deserve it. P: Yeah, I feel like, “Goddamn it, you know, I do. There’s nothing wrong with me.” [Both laugh] It’s just one little obstacle that you can overcome. I’ve seen people with relationships where one has it, or they both do [sic] or whatever. You know, and people are still together. I mean, sh*t, a lot of it doesn’t have anything to do with it, more of it’s financial reasons, and other reasons why people split up. But I wasn’t thinking like that, I had another way of thinking before walking in there. It’s just kind of opened my eyes a little more I guess. It’s giving me a chance. I wasn’t even giving myself a chance, I think. I was shooting myself down before I even went in to disclose. A lot of it you don’t think about body language and you know, looking in someone’s eyes, really think a lot about that stuff when you’re talking to somebody. And some of it was, “Oh my God, they’re going to think this . . .” When really actually they’re not. Even before you would speak, it’s putting a lot of preconceived—like what I was doing, “Oh, he’s never going to . . .” this guy when I tell him, he’s going to walk out the door. And that shows on your face. (11:08) Break in interview: Interviewer states, “And then I said, ‘Wow. After hearing all of that, it sounds like it was a really good weekend for you.’” P: Yes. Absolutely. It just really lifted me up. It really—I just needed it. I needed a big push and I got it. I’m just so glad that I attended and that I came back—that I didn’t get into that place again where, “Oh, I can’t do this, and I can just do everything b
