Hey, I just started listening to this podcast & I saw a 13yo’s review from last month & wanted to reply…
My name is Rachel & I am a mom to some little ones, but I also have two nieces who are about your age. I hope you can feel like I’m talking to you as an aunt or a big sister. :)
First of all: God loves you so much, darling girl! He sees you & He honors your precious desires to follow Him. Your honesty is admirable. You said you don’t feel you are enough for God - that’s actually *true*, because our sin causes us to not be good enough. HOWEVER, Jesus died so our sin would be covered by His sacrifice. HE is good enough, & He covers YOU (if you have made that decision to follow Him), so you don’t HAVE to be good enough. You have a relationship with God because of GRACE, & everything you do from here on out is a step of obedience in turning away from your sins. HE is enough for YOU, sweet girl. The “rubric” to follow is to continually repent of your sins & change your ways to those that please Him… all the while thanking Him & enjoying His grace to allow you & help you to do that! The Bible helps us to see our sins, know Who He is & what He is like, as well as who we are in Him. You can start small, like a verse a day! Or get a devotional that’s for preteen/teen girls! That can be really helpful for applying His Word to your current life season. :)
As far as the girls at your old church - it is so hard when you feel like an outsider! I promise you, everyone has their things they struggle with or feel insecure about. I was not in the “in crowd” in my youth group either; I had to find other “outsiders” to be my friends. But I did! And those years are precious memories. I am so glad you feel more comfortable at your new church - when you remember those negative feelings at your old church, try to let it go & thank God for your new community.
As for the transgender feelings, it is natural to question & wonder & imagine all of these things. You said you’d really like to be a boy, but then you also said you don’t WANT to feel this way or be trans. Being a teenager is HARD, & being content with who God made you to be is a massive part of that. I would Google some articles about your identity in Christ, & post those verses up around your room! Or read them before you go to bed at night! Psalm 139 is a good place to start.
Going forward, I think the absolute best thing you can do is talk to a trusted adult. Sometimes it is easier to talk to your parents, & sometimes it is easier to talk to someone outside the family (a youth minister, a teacher, etc.). I would recommend your parents first — even if I don’t know them, I’d be willing to bet they love you SO much & want to hear every concern you have. They know you best out of anyone. They have struggled with a lot of the same things you are!!! Do you tell them other things? Like when you felt different from the girls at your old youth group? Or if you’re worried about something at school? Do you tell them things you are excited about? Ask them questions about God? If so, I think they are a safe place for you to share all of this. If you don’t know where to start, maybe just straight up read what you wrote here to us!!! Or even show it to them so they can read! They can help walk you through your feelings & perceptions, & support you. If you don’t feel your parents are the best place to start, talk to a family member or teacher or church leader! It seems like you really want to know God & please Him, so trying to find someone who also loves God is going to be important. Don’t do this alone, sweetheart! God didn’t make us to be able to just do it all by ourselves. We need each other.
You’re going to be okay!!! Keep your eyes on Jesus!!!! He is enough for a teenage girl, or a mama of littles, or a grandmother fighting cancer. He will be with you in every challenge of your life, including this one. Love and hugs to you baby girl.
