How To Hold A Grudge

Sophie Hannah is not only a master wordsmith; she is also a highly entertaining person! I’ve read her book, How to Hold a Grudge, three times — and recommended it to several of my psychotherapy clients. The book is funny and brilliantly executed. (The Audible version is a double-whammy, because Sophie herself reads the book. Stellar delivery!!!) When I discovered the podcast by the same name, I thought, “Ah! Sophie Hannah HEAVEN!” She has fantastically clever guests and the conversations are lovely to eavesdrop upon. Give her a listen and you’ll be an instant fan. P.S. The new Hercules Poirot series is delicious, too!!

This podcast takes the subject of “grudges” and introduces a practice that allows people to happily and productively “hold a grudge” in a way that is not resentful or negative, and is actually freeing and healing. The idea is that to “let go” or “forgive” too easily or too soon can make things worse, unlike what is often suggested as a way to move one. Sophie suggests “moving on” involves realistically assessing what happened, how it affected you and how likely something similar would be to recur. Once you process the experience without the pressure of “letting go”, you can go on to live smarter and make better choices about interactions and people. And, the negative emotions should actually diminish naturally without effort if they no longer are needed to nudge us into processing an incomplete experience. If you have dealings with narcissistic people, you will likely have learned to “drop things” and not argue because it is pointless, and in order to do that you probably have learned to minimize your experience. This method tells us to not drop it, but also not to argue either because that still tends to remain pointless. Instead, to make sure we honor our experiences ourselves, independently, without proving anything to anyone, debating, or negotiating - but instead enrich our own inner landscape of life understanding and experience.

I love the way SH unravels the entire concept of gruges from her own perspective, which is not “new age PC” but authentic and human. She then, in an effortlessly balanced way, addresses the POVs from which someone may look at SH’s analysis of her own grudge from their own, authentic and human perspective. SH does not try to justify her own actions and opinions as opposed to the unreasonable actions of others. There is no promotion divisiveness or appeal to self-righteousness. The goal seems to be almost a demonstration of an analytical process that can be applied to other much maligned “feelings”. Instead of allowing society’s norms to dictate how one should react to a slight, one is empowered to stay with the feeling and tune into its resonance with oneself. The fragmentation of disappointment and/or shame is sutured through the warming glow of self-trust and confidence that healthy boundaries. The types of boundaries that give us form, but are never dense enough to make us uncomfortably rigid or obscure the beauty of human interaction on all levels. Incredibly enjoyable podcast, now I shall go buy the book!