Wild and Precious Conversations

Wendy Kiana Kelly
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Wild and Precious helps you make peace with your wild and precious life. Conversations, meditations, encouragements. A podcast by the Underbelly Project. underbelly.substack.com

  1. 02/24/2022

    Wendy Talks About Benevolence

    Photo by aisvri on Unsplash I wonder. I mean, honestly, this morning, I have an image of Ukrainian grandmas on my mind. As I write this, as I say this, What would a benevolent world actually look like? It's been on my mind all week. This week has been interesting. I think what I came to at least for my own world is that a benevolent world would be moving a lot more slowly. It seems as though it's the actions and thoughts that happen in the moment really quickly without thought that really sort of push forward a world that's less benevolent. I have a tiny story — Yesterday. I did a simple seemingly benevolent thing for one of my progeny. I made them a smoothie. And no, no one was hurt. But in counseling later that day, this smoothie making became the event that helped me unravel what keeps me from benevolence in my own life. So I'm going to try to try to unravel that here. That thing is safety. I made a smoothie filled with lots of really healthy stuff. Also delicious, just sweet enough. They drank most of it, but not all of it. And so what I ended up doing was even bringing that tiny amount with us in the car. So that they could have one more chance is I implored them to finish the whole thing. He very politely said, no, thank you to their credit and stayed relatively calm while I was, I, I think that the voice I have right now, perfectly sort of mimics what my voice was that morning. Come on. Just one more sip. By the time I got back home, I was aware enough to realize that something was going on. I actually forced myself to measure it out and show myself clearly what was going on that what had been left with negligible. If I were really worried about malnutrition, I don't think that that was a problem. So what was this all about? Obviously not nutrition. The feeling in my body when the smoothie was refused, or again, this tiny amount of smoothie was refused. It was one of foreboding and dread. I'm really not proud of admitting this. In fact, I hesitated, hesitated as I was like, come on, just say it out loud. But it's true. As I drove home from counseling and ran a couple errands on my way home. I was unpacking more, what I think was going on. And I think it is this universal feeling that comes up for all of us, but all of us in a slightly different way. Robert Sapolsky, the Stanford. I believe he's a biologist, almost sure of that. He's written a book called Behave and has several lovely videos out there talking about his work and, and in one of them, he explains that the love hormone, oxytocin, amplifies feelings of love for people who are in our “in group”. But it also amplifies feelings of not love or more exclusion for people who are outside our in group that sets up something kind of interesting. Think about it. We all need to create a sense of I'll call it Eden. A sense of safety. A perimeter around ourselves within which we're at ease. I don't really like noticing that I do this, but I think it's key. I think it's really that key to why benevolence is so hard. Sometimes even with people we adore. My castle walls are built around an idea that our family in our family, we are healthy. Yikes. As you may be aware, there have been marauding vandals and thieves and whatnot banging on my castle walls for the past couple of years, past few years. My castle is also built around an idea that we're immune to violence. Violence happens out there to other people. I'm still not really ready to talk about the super publicly, but it's important for this essay to mention that extreme violence at the hands of the system did happen to our family about a year ago. As I say this, my hands are shaking and my heart is racing. The system metaphorically took a battleram and knocked out one of the metaphorical walls in my metaphorical castle. Metaphorically, but also in a well, in a realer way, realer way, my family, my Eden became fragile. And so I can very much understand not being benevolent. It's literally why I'm in counseling. Back to the smoothie because the smoothie drinking episode deconstructed in counseling began to help me unpack all of this. As I drove home from counseling, a police car passed me and as it did, so I literally sat up straighter tensing up because they are that symbol of the system who introduced violence into our family. I've found my body aware and then. I thought to myself, if we're all quiet, no one gets hurt. And then less humorous a flashback to a scene that had come up in counseling, a scene of early kind of violence in my life at gymnastics. I would have been around 11 years old and at least once we had to sit cross-legged along a wall perfectly still for two hours. And then there's another tiny scene I had just finished bars and was moving to floor, which was a brand new spring floor. And back in those days, very few gyms had those Olympic quality spring floors. My hand was bleeding as it would, uh, from the bars they would rip. Um, so I showed my coach out of fear of getting blood on his floor instead though he took my head hand, considered it a moment of weakness on my part. I think he clearly didn't understand that I was worried about the blood on his floor and was thinking that I was upset because I had a little bit of blood on my hand. He took my hand, yelled at me for being such a baby and ripped this skin off the blister, which was common back in those days. The ntold me to rub chalk in it, which again was common. But I think the key there was the importance of remaining, perfectly neutral showing absolutely nothing on my face. So composure and we won't get hurt. Composure as adults raged was definitely how I stayed safe as a child. In the newsletter I mentioned another early childhood memory, my infamous rubber band incident. I clearly remember that teacher — grade one. I was six. I liked her. She was really lovely. This one day we were all quietly stringing rubber bands onto a grid of nails that had been kind of nailed into a little wooden block. It's hard to explain. I was in a progressive school. I think it was math. I'm not sure how one rubber band got loose to this day. I remember the name Allen as the little boy who shot the rubber band. It was an accident. Immediately though, the teacher commanded all heads down and we stayed there for what seemed like an eternity. I know in this case, it wasn't that. But as she admonished us about the dangers of rubber bands, and I remember being also at the same time, really scared and also understanding how funny this was, even at the time, I really can't remember how it was resolved, but all I know is that we all knew then that it was an accident and that none of us could say that because she wanted a bad guy to punish. So these stories taken together. It's why we can't have nice things. I'm only kidding a little. That was another thought that had come up. As I drove home from counseling, all this came together and I realized that I occasionally create little talismans, little incantations. To keep my personal Eden secure to keep my castle walls strong unconsciously, of course. And it's possible that I making too much of this smoothie, a Tempest in a smoothie cup, perhaps, but also I think there's at least a grain of truth here. There's a feeling in the air recently of needing to magically create safe spaces around certain groups where we feel secure. Certain incantations we do to help delineate a perimeter within which our in-group resides. I don't have any answers. As my dear husband always says, when I bring up the unhoused: “Well, as a Christian, shouldn't you invite them to live with us? But he's got a point he really does. Here's what I think is impossible to do without inviting the sacred into our lives. Not the spiritual exactly, but sacred love, the holy. I think it's impossible to do benevolence. Chances are the unhoused in my city would like a house not to live with me. And chances are certain people who are not in my in-group are perfectly happy being, not in my in-group. We don't all have to have a kumbaya moment together necessarily. What we need, I think goes beyond oxytocin, beyond science, beyond politics. What I need, what we need, I think is to inject an acceptance of sacred love into our daily lives. I think it's essential. This comes not only from my admittedly huge bias as a Christian, but also from my recent book. Books that I've read, not written obviously, but the master in his Emissary by Iain McGilchrist and the Dawn of Everything by the two Davids, I always forget both of their names Wengrew and Graeber. And I think we need possibly a little less spirituality. Bell Hooks said “I'm often struck by the dangerous narcissism fostered by spiritual rhetoric that pays so much attention to individual self-improvement. And so little to the practice of love within the context of community.” She was onto something there. I'm going to leave us here. I think all this needs to settle. I think I need a cup of tea, a long walk. And I welcome feedback about these oral essays as well as the conversations that I've had next week, as I mentioned is likely going to be a conversation that I've worked on for over a year. Now it needed time in contemplate. I am enjoying sprinkling these shorter essays in now. And again, so feedback's welcome. They aren't as amplified as the conversations, but I'm not sure yet if that's because they suck or because they just don't amplify them on social media in any case. Thank you. And please rate, review and subscribe on whatever platform you use to listen to podcasts. If you want to rate review. On a podcast platform, but you don't know how just ask and consider subscribing to the Monday morning newsletter too. You can find everything that I'm doing right now at underbelly, which is at U N D E R B E L dot L. I have a lovely week. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substa

    18 min
  2. Wendy Talks About Ubuntu

    02/17/2022

    Wendy Talks About Ubuntu

    It’s snowing lightly and the sun’s last glow is obscured by mist. My teenager is practicing cello in a small, quaint cabin nearby while I meander in the woods and along the lakefront, stopping briefly on the dock to see if I can see any stars emerging. I’m listening to a book by Iain McGilchrist called “The Master and His Emissary” and it’s in turns riveting and excruciatingly boring as he describes the dire straits we’re in. Pre cello lesson, I’ve been nursing one of Brene Brown’s “vulnerability hangovers” so bad that all I have wanted to do is dig a deep pit, crawl into it, and hide. Of course, my better senses prevailed and the ground is still frozen here, so here I am, strolling in these woods as I wait for my progeny to finish. As my neck hangs back, my eyes searching for that first star which I am determined should be visible through the light fog, my ears register this: “The philosopher Gabriel Montell speaks of the difficulty of maintaining one’s dignity as a unique individual subject in a world where a combination of the hubris of science and the drive of technology blots out the awe inspiring business of conscious human existence.” I briefly lose my balance. Ahhhh…Science and Technology. Or, Hubris and Drive. A few days prior, and I am bungling as I “help” with the tech in my ongoing Cultivating Humility class.  The past couple years seem to have been spent being admonished to head into the woods, value my fellow humans more, and “be kind”. Here I am, taking a year-long course called “Cultivating Humility”. Being the consummate good citizen, I am ticking off all the boxes. I find myself wracked with guilt and angst — zoom meeting after zoom meeting, days isolated and alone in my home where I find myself talking to my cats a bit more often than is likely healthy. Although this last bit likely will keep me from undue Hubris anytime soon, it definitely reminds me of the lack of conscious human existence in my life. We are told to “be kind” and then given herculean constraints that make kindness nearly impossible. We are told to head into nature at the same time that mountaintops are “removed” and “placed” into formerly pristine valleys. We are told how crucial it is to have a supportive group of friends and family and then — well, you know. We need to make a decision to turn toward what is good and right and beautiful and honorable and just. And even when we want to turn away, just for a moment, we need to shore up all our inner strength and steadfastly remain facing that light. Now — what on earth is the word for that? Someone mentioned the Nguni word "ubuntu" this week. At first, I thought, am I bold enough to use a word from a culture I know little about, potentially out of context? And then I remembered the late Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and felt that if he shares the concept with the world, I can humbly offer it as well. Ubuntu, according to Desmond Tutu, means “My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in what is yours." What if we, all of us who dare to stay connected to each other even as those who admonish us to do so effectively try to rip us apart — what if we dared? What if we dared to remain truly kind to each other, the masses, the vast majority of humanity who is not a billionaire, who is not “in power”? What if we dared to stay connected to each other, to do unseen and unheralded selfless acts for each other? What if we danced daily, played music loudly, listened more? And listened to our odd coworker, not Fox or MSNBC or whichever corporate entity is on your screen? Listened to our ranting uncle? Our crazy neighbor? You get the idea? And not listen to get enough information in order to change their minds so that they also agree with whichever screen is favored on your device but listened just so that other is heard, feels heard and seen? Underbel.li Monday Morning Newsletter — 10 Wild + Precious Things You Tube This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    18 min

  3. 02/10/2022

    Lisa Richardson Talks About Movement

    Welcome to another episode of Wild + Precious conversations — This week, a replay of our November 12, 2020 conversation with Lisa Richardson. This week I had a chance to speak for the first time with Lisa Richardson, a writer based in Pemberton, British Columbia. Lisa’s writing moves me. It would be wonderful if there were so much strategic planning around this project that I could honestly say that is why I asked her to talk about movement. Alas, no. Movement was our loose theme but perhaps more correctly, we spoke of growth through the metaphor of gardening. And the movement of becoming unstuck, lifting each other up, turning toward light, dancing our messages — I encourage you to listen for the gems Lisa scatters throughout the entire conversation. I felt it was an honour to converse with her and I am excited to share our conversation with you. One simple takeaway: Gardening is a terrible metaphor for parenting. Notes: * Wellness Almanac — A community almanac from Pemberton, Lil'wat, Area C and N'Quatqua. * Lisa Richardson, Bylines — Lisa’s writing portfolio - “Mountain Culture from Everywhere but the Sidelines” Onward. In the next few weeks, we introduce the first in a series of what I am calling “shadow” conversations with Deirdre McClaughlin. In this series, we tackle themes that no one wants to hear about in a way that you will want to listen to... This series was put on hold for over a year because the topic needed that much time to simmer. In fact, I reached out to a few people in order to more fully discuss the topic and no one would engage with me. Stay tuned. Wild + Precious Conversations is the podcast in Underbelly — a project that just keeps growing in often unexpected ways :) And please, if you know anyone who might like to share this journey, share this project. Excited to stay in the arena with you. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    50 min

  4. 02/03/2022

    Wendy Talks About Becoming Real

    Wendy here: This is kind of scary to be honest. Welcome. To another episode of wild and precious conversations. An edited, abridged version of the podcast/video cast :) Yes, if you would like to actually look at someone very, very real, I uploaded this to YouTube. But let’s start with that quote, that's often miss attributed to Voltaire. “I disagree wholeheartedly with what you say, but I will defend to my death, your right to say it.” And I realized that there's a lot in that quote. First of all, let me defend to my death. My God.But also just that holding tight to yeah. Let's Lean in. That turn of phrase has gotten so. Co-opted and misused, but let's literally lean in to our friends and our enemies and our acquaintances. And when they say something that really tweaks or shows up as irritation or whatever.I would put forward that an appropriate human response.Is to listen.And learn. As we sit in this really warm, nurturing compost, and yes, that's a euphemism. For the. S H I T that life sometimes hands us. When we're sitting in that. Nurturing pile of s**t. With another human. You know, Think about the growth.Are you with me?So I was contemplating that a lot.And I woke up.to a lovely quote By Martin Luther king Jr. In the Riverside Church Speech he said something that hit me. "I am convinced that if we are to get on the right side of the world revolution, we as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of values. We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered."I honestly, when I woke up to that,I just thought, well, there you go. I do believe though that what is happening is that we're just simply out of practice. Out of practice with simply being human. ****But if our thoughts and prayers, don't also include going into the trenches with our friends and enemies, sitting quietly with them.Listening to them learning what they need and what is not being heard. Then we are failing. The secular humanists among us I imagine, know this well. ***I'd like to now ask it here to consider your day.And consider.What percentage of your day is spent doing things that humans do?Comforting each other and yourself encouraging. Wandering in nature, caring for each other. Mending creating, growing. What percentage of your day is spent outdoors or natural light? What percentage of your day spent calmly, quietly listening to another human. Not trying to convince another human of something.Not trying to coerce or persuade.Not talking about superficial stuff only.How much of your day is spent in natural surroundings.What time, what percentage of your day is spent playing music?I could go on.***I don't really care. How your life. Appears to be.I really do care.How real it is.One of my very favorite books of all time is the Velveteen rabbit. The subtitle for that book is how toys become real. It's a book that honestly brings me to tears.I'm going to paraphrase the book and it may have gotten a little wrong. This is my memory. It's the story of a young boy. You ended up with Scarlet fever and who loved his stuffed rabbit fairy. Very much. He loved it so much. They didn't ended up with a little missing fur, and I believe its button eye was loosened, maybe missing.It's exactly. I think really, you know, kind of what we mean when we say something's well loved.In the end when the boy’s belongings needed to be burned because this book was written quite a long time ago. To make sure that the Scarlet fever was completely gone. His dear stuffed rabbit ended up coming to life and joining the other rabbits in the garden.You really should read the book.I realized though. I think that that's what I'm doing is trying to move awkwardly, moving toward a life that is becoming real.And that, you know, I'm just going to say it here now, sometimes that can be a little lonely.But I find that I'm naturally gravitating toward people. Who are also wanting to become real.And I'm noticing a joy. In the mutual recognition.When we both kind of go, oh, “You too? Come on, let's go”.When I began this project. A little over two years ago.I only knew that I wanted to begin to use my writing, my passion for mental health and my hobby for programming.To a purpose driven end. It's all I knew.And. Completely organic heart - driven way. Until two and a couple months in. Here I am.And I'm noticing that as my life awkwardly and sometimes painfully blossoms. I understand. This project is about becoming real.It's about making peace with myself and asking others to make peace with themselves. It's about training. To become freer, less obedient to the world, too. Less obedient to a “thing oriented society.” More joyful.I'm at a point where I'd really like to invite you in.I feel ready. My weekly newsletters sets you up for a week of inquiry and practice and no. You won't become more productive. You won't become richer.You won't gain any fashion sense.You might though become real. Notes: * Velveteen Rabbit * Riverside Church Speech Transcript * Underbel.li * If you listen to other podcasts, you can find Wild and Precious Conversations wherever you listen — Apple, Spotify, iHeart, Google, etc. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    20 min

  5. 01/27/2022

    Jean Russell Talks About Thrivability

    Invited to have a conversation about the book “The Dawn of Everything”, Jean Russell did her level best to stay on topic. :) I did not help, mostly because her life’s work on Thrivability is so compelling. A brief introduction of Jean: She has been passionate about co-creating a more thrivable world since 2007. What I find intriguing is that she works as a social technologist and innovator. Here, from her official bio, is what that kind of looks like: “Organizational development and operations in numerous startups and social enterprises. For example, Jean acted as project lead for the *Holo* ICO, which raised 30,000 ETH (valued at $22M at that time).”And here: “In 2016 with Herman Wagter, she published *Cultivating Flows: How Ideas Become Thriving Organizations*, which explored, with leading edge practitioners, what patterns enable healthy emergence. In 2013, Jean published *Thrivability: Breaking Through to a World That Works*, also with Triarchy Press.” She has received appropriate accolades for her work and has been highlighted in places such as The Economist, Harvard Business Review, and Stanford Social Innovation Review.And also she is a lot of fun. 2:30 — I mention the idea of compost, which kind of bookends our conversation. 8:39 — Evolution is discussed, including the Open Tree of Life which I failed to get right in the podcast but just looked it up… and Jean mentions the book, “The Survival of the Friendliest” 13:10 — How do we go from survival to thriving? 18:54 — The idea of coherence is entered into… 22:15 — The creativity of humans 26:22 — The Three human rights mentioned in The Dawn of Everything 29:30 — We’re stuck…how did we get stuck. 33:29 — Back to compost. Notes: Jean’s LinkedIn Underbelly Website Underbelly Project began in November 2019 when, frustrated by certain aspects of modern culture, I began to daydream a world I wanted to be a part of. And, as one does (does one?), I began searching domain names that expressed my intention. {Quick Note: domain names are like poetry, aren’t they?} Underbel.li was born — literally from my underbelly. My deepest, most vulnerable, unspoken desire for what I want to see more of in the world. Because these desires answer the question Mary Oliver asked: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I began naming the stuff that was born from Underbelly “Wild + Precious” Visit the project at Underbel.li If you enjoyed this conversation, a small ask: Share with anyone you know who might like what we’re doing over here. Also, consider subscribing, if you haven’t already. If you listen to other podcasts, add Wild + Precious Conversations to your list wherever you listen to podcasts :) (Apple, Spotify, iHeart, Google, etc…) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    40 min

  6. 01/20/2022

    Erica Scott Talks About Consent

    Welcome to a world of collaboration, consent, intimacy and deep rich relationships based on trust! Erica Scott is a consent educator working hard to make consent culture a reality. I feel honored to share our converstaion with you. The book launch begins January 21, 2022, so I am going to make our show notes short this week, in order to get this episode out in time. We discuss the collaboration in consent, the reason a “gatekeeper” relationship limits us, the possibilities that unfold when relationships are interwoven with collaboration and consent. At the 42:00 mark, Erica gives a gorgeous explanation of the freeze response — there’s a hint of a trigger warning here, but the gist is a wonderfully positive description of what the freeze response looks and feels like — a rare gift. Thanks, and take care of yourself and at least one other person this week! Notes: Creating Consent Culture  — Erica’s website Creating Consent Culture — The Book! — Creating Consent Culture — The Book :) Creating Consent Culture — Events! — Creating Consent Culture Book Launch Events Underbelly Project began in November 2019 when, frustrated by certain aspects of modern culture, I began to daydream a world I wanted to be a part of. And, as one does (does one?), I began searching domain names that expressed my intention. {Quick Note: domain names are like poetry, aren’t they?} Underbel.li was born — literally from my underbelly. My deepest, most vulnerable, unspoken desire for what I want to see more of in the world. Because these desires answer the question Mary Oliver asked: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I began naming the stuff that was born from Underbelly “Wild + Precious” Visit the project at Underbel.li If you enjoyed this conversation, a small ask: Share with anyone you know who might like what we’re doing over here. Also, consider subscribing, if you haven’t already. If you listen to other podcasts, add Wild + Precious Conversations to your list wherever you listen to podcasts :) (Apple, Spotify, iHeart, Google, etc…) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    59 min
  7. Effortless Interlude

    01/13/2022

    Effortless Interlude

    Welcome! Wow — 2022. This week I am sharing a short 20 minute episode riffing on what I have learned about effortlessness over the past few days. Specifically, incorporating Julia Gillmor’s Facebook Livestream on Resistance and Russell Brand’s YouTube video on Laziness. Here is the script I read from for the podcast: Hi - Wendy here - welcome to another episode of wild and precious conversations. This week, a short interlude. I have lined up a pretty cool list of conversations for the coming year, and I thought it might be a good idea to pause and give a little context to what on earth we are doing here. I am also dipping my toe into the idea of uploading video content as well, for a few reasons.  So, for this week, a short discussion about the idea of effortless and how to incorporate that into your life. Which, let’s be honest, feels pretty impossible sometimes. Last week, Marla Estes used the metaphor of compost to describe that place of uncomfortableness we need to stay in sometimes. As she described it, it’s a place where growth can happen. True enough — and jumping off of that, my friend Julia Gillmor did a Facebook Live (I will link in the show notes) about resistance and how to move through it. Important. Finally, I was influenced by a 2 or 3 year old video I noticed by Russel Brand on the idea of laziness. So, dear listener, as we move into 2022, I can say that I am definitely mired in - or nestled in? Compost. I can almost feel the growth happening and I can say that I can feel the roots growing down, digging down through the rich soil for nutrients. I can also, maybe? Feel the growth beginning upwards, searching for the sun. Having said that, Staying with the metaphor of a young plant growing in compost…having watched Julia and Russel and having been taken by their thoughts which converge with the idea that yes, it is important to take daily action to do those things you don’t want to do. And yes, rest is important, but no, (and this is riffing on what Russel Brand said) passing out on your couch in your week-old jammies with an empty bag of potato chips balancing on your belly is maybe not the best way to “do self care”? And, I will add - maybe it is, for you, in that moment - that one is hard to say. Suffice it to say, though, that for each of us, there comes a point where we know…we just know…it’s time to get off the couch, dip ourselves in some freezing water, sit quietly in contemplation, take a walk in the woods, or otherwise more forward moving stuff. As Russell Brand says, though, so eloquently, “we’re always applying moral attributes to our actions and objects — as my counselor would say, “evaluative judgement” — that food is “good” or “bad”, lying on the couch is “bad”, sleeping in “bad”, etc… Here are a few thoughts. Russell Brand talks about laziness as being a “sort of personal nihlisim a sort of well, what’s the point of doing anything?”And that is I believe, what Julia is thinking about when she talks about resistance - that moment when you being to try to convince yourself that there is no point, “Why you?” As Julia says, “What is your thing? When you look in the mirror, and you say, “I’m not ___________ enough”” What is your thing? What is your resistance? As she says, this force is universal - everyone has their own, personal resistance, gravity maybe, :) trying to gently coerce, pull them down into the much of the compost they find themselves in…I think this metaphor works really well, actually.. Russell talks about his daily habits that he now does no matter what - run with his dog, jui jitsu, meditation, cold plunges. What Julia calls resistance, and Russel doesn’t name exactly, I call “our inner critic” I actually made a course in 2017, when I first started playing around with making content around my passion for mental health, called “making friends with your inner critic” or embracing your inner critic - because in my world view, it’s a good idea, similar to the way Aikido works, to use the power of our adversity to help propel us forward.  When we acknowledge our inner critic, listen to it, actually, listen to it, acknowledge that it is doing its best to help, and then gently but firmly let it know that you are taking its voice under advisement but that you are in control now, not the inner critic :) You then have a wiling partner who knows its place…and the voice gets quieter and also more respectful. As Russel says, “I think it’s okay to relax, I think it’s okay to rest” Damn straight it is. It’s essential. Sometimes our inner critic might say something like, ‘What do you think you are doing? You’re not nearly prepared for this…” or similar… and, in my world view - sometimes there’s a grain of truth to that… The inner critic is noticing something and doing its best to alert you. Maybe you need a nap. Maybe you need a snack. You definitely need to help your inner critic learn how to say these things in a more encouraging way :) but maybe you do need to pause for a bit, take notice of your surroundings and move forward better prepared, rested, rejuvenated. Is any of this “effortless”? Here’s the thing. I can tell you, it becomes more effortless the more you practice. You likely know this yourself.  I do believe I am in the fortunate group of people, similar in some ways to Russell Brand, who did not have a choice. I am trying to be more open about this part of my life as I move through the shame of it. Hell, it’s been decades! But for me, the best I could do as a young person to try to cope with some pretty heinous that happened to me was to develop some severely disordered eating. Severely disordered for about 12 years. I had to stop and I knew I had to stop. That “stopping” took a long time and resulting in huge growth for me…that never stopped. Once you recover from something that huge, I can say definitively, you kind of become hooked on healthy living. So — while “recovery” didn’t make me rich, or beautiful, or hip, or fashionable, or whatever…it made me real - yes, as in Velveteen Rabbit real. And it is continuing to make me real. And yes, it is getting more and more effortless as the years go by.  Life is still exhausting at times. The things that happened leading up to me beginning this project in December 2019 felt more exhausting and difficult than I thought I was capable of working through. Fast forward through the last two years and I can tell you — there were moments I was prostrate on the ground, crying my eyes out, not thinking I could continue.  I can also tell you, that by following the very basic things I have been practicing over the past decades, I was able to not only continue, but I would say thrive through what life handed to our family - and continues to seems to hand to our family. I notice that we are all in this compost together. Some of us are trying to escape it because it feels yucky…for them, things aren’t going to feel effortless any time soon. Others are digging their roots in a bit, facing their resistance, taking action, and daily committing to loving this life we’re in.  I’m committed to daily, incremental improvement, to honing my voice, my offering, making sure that I am at least a small drop of positive in this vast sea.  Thank you! Next week we have a conversation with Jean Russell - an amazing woman with a long pedigree of accomplishments who will be discussing the book The Dawn of Everything with me.  Let’s do this! Thank you for listening - and as usual, I love feedback, love reviews, and please consider subscribing. Actually, yeah, please subscribe. Take care of yourself and at least one other person this week! Notes: Video of the podcast — Let’s see where this goes, shall we? Julia Gillmor’s Facebook Livestream on Restistance — You may need to join the group to see the video - it’s worth it. Russell Brand’s YouTube Video on Laziness Thank you. Let’s see where 2022 takes us. Feedback welcome, always (be kind) and yes - please go to your favorite palce where you listen to podcasts and rate, review and subscribe. If you’re not sure what I mean by this, send me a message and I will explain further - and THANK YOU! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    20 min

  8. 01/06/2022

    Marla Estes and Joe Burgo Talk About Humility

    Cultivating Humility. Huge growth potential if you can get comfortable being uncomfortable. (And I would add, let’s make the uncomfortable place as welcoming and inviting as possible.) Joe Burgo’s website announced this course at the bottom of a blog post (as I recall). Marla Estes’ site was a humble outreach; I joined the class and am now an advocate for cultivating humility. In fact, I chose to open 2022 with Cultivating Humility — it is what I want to see more of in my life, in my family, in my community. {My introduction and “outro” are both as short as possible because I needed to find a quiet corner of my home rather than recording from my podcast fort and the sound quality is not great - be forewarned. The quality of the actual conversation is good enough :) } We dive in at 2:09 with Joe Burgo’s story of humility — and we’re off from there. At 6:14, Craig Markin’s book on rethinking narcissism is mentioned and the idea of passing shame from one person to another like a hot potato. At 7:52 Marla introduces the idea of being ashamed of being ashamed and that flows into the idea of levels of shame: * embarrassment * humiliation * shame and how to normalize it…Marla shares a great story at 9:03 that helps with how to process shame and has been core for me at times over this fall where I do need to process shame. at 11:19, Joe introduces the idea that sometimes there is a good reason why you might feel ashamed and that it’s an opportunity to grow. At 13:20, Joe processes shame in the moment — what a lovely offering that is. I remember while recording really feeling more deeply connected to both of them and realizing how important this stuff really is. What else is there in this life if there isn’t relationship — and can you have relationship if you’re not willing to get a little uncomfortable once in awhile? At 18:36, Joe introduces Marla’s concept of having a working hypothesis and the difference between not having an opinion and being dissociative. At 23:13 … what about when you honestly just don’t know enough to have an opinion, a seat at the table? At 26:53, Marla gives us three ways to building a bridge to change. To move from that paralyzing place of shame to a place where you take your seat at the table. At 30:56 we open up the conversation about how humility is a weird word sometimes in our culture…uncomfortable, with connotations that aren’t super positive. 34:07 — the difference between healthy pride, arrogance and narcissism is introduced. And so, at 36:52, Joe aptly introduces the idea of confidence into this mix. And we flow into the idea of confident humility Confident humility is my personal goal for 2022. Expect lots of stumpling around toward this goal :) Join me? At 39:05, Marla introduces the acronym we use in class “WAIT” Why Am I Talking? At 41:35 Joe asks about our shame, “What is it telling you?” At 44:53, Marla introduces the idea of being a beacon, “Like, I want what she’s having” :) At 47:31, Marla has a great line in our discussion about how sometimes being curious can sound really really pretentious…as in “I’m really curious about how you could be such an idiot.” :) Which leads me to actually process some pretty deep shame, live, at 48:00 And — fin. Notes: * Www.afterpsychotherapy.com — Joe Burgo’s personal website * On Psychology Today — Joe’s column about Shame on Psychology Today * @jburgo55 on Twitter – Joe on Twitter * Building Bridgers — Marla Estes’ website and project * Underbelly Project — Home to Wild + Precious conversations, my Monday Morning newsletter, blog posts, courses, etc. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit underbelly.substack.com/subscribe

    52 min
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Wild and Precious helps you make peace with your wild and precious life. Conversations, meditations, encouragements. A podcast by the Underbelly Project. underbelly.substack.com

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