“Como la flor,” She sings “Yo se perder” She says, “Ay como me duele” The rhythm beats to my heart, Something rings true My heart is yours And they hurt, duele Like a love song They beat out and back in I’ve lost love, My heart is gone. And you, too I feel you slipping. She says, “no se si pueda volver amar.” I can’t return to love. I feel lost, I know about losing, loss, pain. Lucky charms Petals falling What I have left. Just mates in rough seas Separated, Captain Castillejo Captain Mexicano Captain Mexicana We are going down She sings, “Yo se perder” I know perder. It’s a mark I wear Fits on me, fits my culture, Fits my family. Just going down Up and down Back and forth, The drum Roughly bangs Will I come up for air? Respire, mujer Hombre Niño Niña Hija hijo Did someone else come in? Who enters our sacred space? Uninvited They didn’t know you Or me Veras nuestro gran amor So much amor, Quiero Te quiero Nos queremos Deserts of endless years A month or more of abiding inside Witness the time, Como vuela, A decade inside of a cage, My abuela is gone now, too. She waved at me outside of a large white van I hugged her neck, She grinned and squeezed my hand, I said, “I’ll see you later, abuela.” Pero hasta luego No es verdad Not now Not then Gone. “Ay, como me duele.” She sings. Birds whispering her name to me I love her name Angelica Like I love yours Luis Alberto Daniela Suzanne These days I am home too much And too long She won’t be back Will I be back? Will you come back? Volvere Volvere Volveras? Perdi. Tanto amor. Abuela took that too, part of my heart, I gave my love, And then this. I wish you the best You didn’t know her You didn’t know her depth Of spirit Of joy Of untouchable goodness But its gone Perdiste como todos Vovlveras? Te amo, mi amor Perdi amor, Como siempre Yo se perder. I see her children’s smiles, Hearty laughs. School work, Baking. What’s left are scribbles of her life Written on my heart. Love letters stuffed in old pockets I gave you letters With more than words Llorar y llorar “llevas mi Corazon.” She sings. But, this isn’t just Abuela. Or her heart She took my heart, like so many. Gone. My heart didn’t stop giving love, then. It hurt asked to give more. Te pido mas y mas Pero donde estas? Corazon y body y spirit Quarantining in their homes Griefs alone can wander uncontained The others waved goodbye No te puedo decir adios Porque te quiero Some life I waved goodbye. He waves at me during the day. Swimming in seas of cleansing It’s a new love He’s outside working, At home, now. Well, what we say is home. It’s not so new anymore, Pero, I love to think some hope is coming Do you see me? Me puedes ver como antes? Como despues del dolor? Todavia queda nuestro amor? Yo se que si. But, really, its substitute for unnamed Dolor Of a different species No chili powder No tortillas No frijoles Quarantined The sun rises, The sun sets The moon rises The moon sets I rise I set Despierto contigo, Separados Y juntos She sings, “Ay como me duele. Hay, como me duele.” Walking up, Walking down Marimba tells me sadness carries joy I don’t want it to be that way “Tanto amor” The way of sadness and joy I want hugs on a neck Money in the account Bolsas de esperanza A blooming flower. Like she gave me, Like we were married under You gave me that kiss I gave you back a kiss Besos y besos Amor Viejo ya Nuevo, Porfavor, It is real Living And four beautiful creations But, she sings, “Ay como me duele.” Rose buds in lonely gardens Solo tu Solo tu Yo se perder Sabemos perder Sabemos amar There is no new love, But it feels cheating pretend Who stole from us? Who stole love? Ladrones, white and everywhere, I gave you everything, But maybe something is left Robaron nuestros pensamientos Cuerpos Familias porque solo trabajo Y ahora no puedo The energy to compete A world of hate, Gone The hate inside, duele Y se que pierdo No te vallas, amor, No te vallas, Te pido. Porque, Y lo que queda duele Grief, El dolor La afliccion La pesadumbre El pesar It’s so heavy, We don’t translate for you The pains of these hands, Bodies, Songs, The cries Because She sings, “Ay como me duele.” Without any doubt I wish you the best, Her song translates. I do. I want the best. For you Para mi. Felicidad. “Como la flor, Con tanto amor Me diste tu.” She sings.
