Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

Kim Lee
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I am a Chid & Adolescent Psychotherapist. The podcast are educational and orientated towards parents. We cover a wide range of sometimes, tricky subjects, in the hope of reassuring parents that no matter how hard things may seem, there are things you can do. Thank you. Kim

  1. 22h ago

    How Many Absences Can A Family Hold

    Send us Fan Mail Something can be “fine” on the surface and still quietly break a family from the inside. I’m Kim Lee, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, and I’m widening the lens beyond the child to talk about the other parent the one who stays, tries, copes, and slowly becomes the relationship’s emotional manager when an avoidant parent repeatedly withdraws from emotional responsibility. We look at how this dynamic forms: the careful timing, the softened language, the constant scanning for signs of withdrawal, and the gradual decision to stop asking for what you need because it feels safer to do it all yourself. I talk about why this can be so confusing to explain to friends and family, how the damage often comes from what never happens, and why emotional labor without reciprocity can lead to anxiety, low mood, sleeplessness, exhaustion, and a deep loss of confidence. Then we bring children back into the center. I unpack how kids absorb these patterns, how they can get trapped between competing stories, and how the “available” parent can become an interpreter who protects the child while also shielding the avoidant adult from accountability. To offer a way through, I share a practical framework from my work and writing: recognition, reckoning, and recovery naming the pattern, counting the cost, and reclaiming the parts of you that disappeared. Real change, if it’s going to happen, has to show up in behavior, not just explanations. If this resonates, subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more parents can find support.

  2. 2d ago

    Feelings Without A Home

    Send us Fan Mail A child doesn’t need perfect parents to learn emotional health, but they do need emotions to be allowed to exist. When a parent is emotionally avoidant, a child’s fear, sadness, or anger can start to feel like something they must hide, manage alone, or act out just to be noticed. That’s where the phrase “feelings without a home” comes from, and it captures the quiet loneliness behind so many behavior problems. We walk through how emotional regulation is actually built: first through co-regulation, then through internal skills that develop over time. Along the way, I translate key ideas from psychotherapy and attachment theory into plain language, including Wilfred Bion’s emotional containment, Winnicott’s holding environment, and the role of mentalization in connecting behavior to an internal state. When that process breaks down, kids don’t stop having feelings, they stop having a safe place to put them. You’ll hear two common adaptations to avoidant parenting. Overcontrol can look like resilience, but it’s often suppression, perfectionism, numbness, and stress that leaks out through the body. Undercontrol can look like “bad behavior,” but it’s frequently emotional flooding, impulsive reactions, and a lack of reflective space when distress spikes. We also talk about why punishment alone can reinforce the cycle, why consistent boundaries plus understanding matter, and why repair after conflict prevents shame from hardening into identity. If you’ve lived with emotional avoidance as a child or as an adult, there’s hope here: these patterns can change inside a reliable relationship, including therapy. Subscribe for the next chapter in this series, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the support they’ve been missing.

  3. 3d ago

    When Childhood Enters Love. What could possibly go wrong?

    Send us Fan Mail Childhood doesn’t stay in childhood. We carry it straight into our friendships, our romantic partnerships, and eventually our own parenting, often without realizing it. Kim Lee Jardin, adolescent psychotherapist, unpacks how avoidant parenting shapes the internal working model we build early on: a largely unconscious prediction system that decides whether people will be there for us, whether our needs will be tolerated, and whether we’re worthy of care. That model can sit beneath “I want closeness” while whispering “expect abandonment,” creating confusion and repeated heartbreak. We talk through the real-world patterns that show up in adult relationships: the approach-and-retreat cycle, the fiercely independent partner who looks strong but disappears emotionally under stress, and the “space routine” that becomes distance when it’s the only response to tension. We also explore why receiving kindness can feel exposing, why gratitude can feel dangerous, and how partners can end up trapped in a painful imbalance where one person self-protects and the other becomes emotionally depleted. You’ll hear how some adults swing the other way and become the pursuer, chasing unavailable partners and escalating effort when the other withdraws, and why anger can become an attempt to force contact when separateness feels like rejection. We draw a clear line between freedom and avoidance, and we come back to the skill that makes relationships resilient: repair after conflict. If any of this feels familiar, listen closely, share it with someone who needs it, and subscribe, rate, and leave a review so more people can find this series.

  4. 3d ago

    How Avoidant Parenting Shapes A Child’s Inner World

    Send us Fan Mail A child doesn’t just remember how a parent reacted. They build an inner map of what relationships are supposed to feel like and then they live inside that map for years. We talk through how avoidant parenting can quietly train kids to shrink their needs, hide distress, or perform “goodness” that is really driven by fear. Using a clear chess analogy, we show how family systems create predictable moves and how children, with the least power, become the ones who carry the emotional cost. From object relations theory to attachment theory, we connect the dots on internalization and John Bowlby’s “internal working model” the unconscious prediction system kids develop from repeated experiences. We explore the painful logic children use when comfort doesn’t arrive: “I’m too much,” “my feelings are dangerous,” or “I only matter when I’m useful.” We also unpack why two siblings can look totally different in the same home: one becomes compliant and invisible, the other becomes loud and controlling, yet both may be responding to the same expectation that emotional presence is unreliable. We close with what actually helps: curiosity beneath behavior, reflective functioning (mentalization), and co-regulation that teaches kids feelings can be named, survived, and repaired after conflict. If you care about child development, adolescent mental health, trauma-informed parenting, or classroom behavior support, this conversation offers a practical framework you can use right away. Subscribe, share with someone raising kids, and leave a review with one question you want us to tackle next.

  5. 5d ago

    A Family Organized Around Absence

    Send us Fan Mail A family can look stable from the outside while quietly revolving around one missing center: a parent’s emotional participation. When that absence becomes the organizing force, everything shifts. Hard conversations get postponed, feelings get minimized, conflict stays unresolved, and day-to-day life turns into a constant effort to avoid discomfort. We talk through how “systemic avoidance” develops and why it is rarely about one person’s flaw and more about a pattern everyone gets pulled into. We lean on family systems theory to map the roles that form when one parent underfunctions and the other overfunctions. The overburdened parent tries to keep things afloat, the avoidant parent defends with practical competence and experiences requests as criticism, and outsiders can get drawn in through blame and selective stories. Over time, the pattern becomes self-maintaining: pressure increases withdrawal, withdrawal increases pressure, and the family gets stuck. Most importantly, we focus on what children learn inside this structure. One child may act out because the adults do not function as a secure unit; another becomes compliant and “easy” to keep the peace. Siblings can even replay the parental split between themselves, carrying that internal blueprint into later relationships. We also explain why sending only the child to therapy often fails and why meaningful change requires parent engagement, shared responsibility, and a willingness to face what has been avoided. If this resonates, listen through, share it with a parent or professional who works with families, and subscribe so you do not miss the next part of the series. After you listen, what role did you recognize most clearly in your own family system?

  6. 6d ago

    The Mavericks

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  7. 6d ago

    The avoidant parent and the violent child. Stop negotiating with the volcano!

    Send us Fan Mail A child screams, threatens, breaks things, or lashes out and suddenly the whole household revolves around preventing the next blow-up. That can look like “a bad kid” from the outside, but I’m interested in the harder question: how did this child learn they have to create a crisis before anyone responds? I walk through a common avoidant family pattern where a parent delays, dismisses, withdraws, or disappears emotionally until the child escalates. Over time, escalation becomes reinforced, and the parent’s retreat brings short-term relief that sets up an even bigger conflict later. I also unpack two avoidant responses that make things worse: rejection (coldness, punitive distance, labeling the child as impossible) and externalizing (blaming the other parent, school, or a diagnosis while resisting any look at the relationship). We also talk about the child you may not notice at first: the compliant sibling who stays quiet to keep everyone safe. When violence, intimidation, or repeated threats show up, this stops being “difficult behavior” and becomes safeguarding. Understanding matters, but it cannot become another form of avoidance; risk has to be named, assessed, and addressed. If you want a clear, grounded way to think about child aggression, boundaries, containment, and family systems, press play. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the question you’re still holding.

  8. Sep 10

    The Child Who Learned Not To Need

    Send us Fan Mail A child who never asks for help can look like a dream, calm, capable, and “so mature for their age.” But what if that independence is not confidence at all, and it is a workaround for a home where comfort is unreliable? I’m Kim Lee, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, and I’m digging into the child who learns not to need when a parent is emotionally avoidant or dismissive avoidant. We walk through how this pattern forms through repetition, not drama: a frightened child gets brushed off, tears meet irritation, hard conversations get dodged, support stays practical but emotionally distant. Over time, kids may deactivate their attachment signals, stop showing distress, and insist they are fine even when they are not. I also explain “counterbalancing,” where the quiet child suppresses needs while attention goes to the child whose struggles are louder, and why adults can mistake silence for coping. From there, we separate healthy independence from defensive self-sufficiency. Secure kids can lean on others and still explore; defensively self-reliant kids learn that vulnerability is risky and control is safety. We talk about achievement and helpfulness as “safe” ways to earn approval, how pushed-down feelings can show up as depression, anxiety, sleep problems, or physical symptoms, and how parentification can flip the direction of care. Finally, we connect these childhood adaptations to adult relationship patterns through the internal working model and look at why adolescence often becomes the breaking point. If this resonates, subscribe for the rest of the series, share the episode with someone raising or supporting teens, and leave a review so more people can find it. What’s one sign of hidden distress you wish families took seriously sooner?

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About

I am a Chid & Adolescent Psychotherapist. The podcast are educational and orientated towards parents. We cover a wide range of sometimes, tricky subjects, in the hope of reassuring parents that no matter how hard things may seem, there are things you can do. Thank you. Kim

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