Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Kathy O'Connell
  • 5.0 (2)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

We offer strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. We talk about how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

  1. 246 - LBGTQ+ Challenges and Support (replay)

    5d ago

    246 - LBGTQ+ Challenges and Support (replay)

    Pauline Bosma is the founder and coordinator of the Rainbow Support Groups, a network of support groups for LGBTQ+ people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Pauline works for Massachusetts Advocates Standing Strong, where she also leads sex education webinars and trains people with disabilities to respond to and report abuse. Oscar Hughes is a PhD student in special education at Boston University. He collaborates with LGBTQ+ adults with intellectual and/or developmental disabilities to create resources that support gender and sexual expression. He also works as the assistant to the Rainbow Support Groups and as a sexuality education trainer for Elevatus Training. We chat about the following: What is your background or personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities? The particular perspectives in dating that are both a benefit and a challenge in expressing your identity and sexuality in the LGBTQ+ community. The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships. Why Pauline founded the Rainbow Support Group for people with I/DD who are also in the LGBTQ community and their biggest insights from running it. Their new Rainbow Support Group guidebook which is an excellent resource for providing support to people with I/DD and in the LGBTQ community.  Resources The Rainbow Support Group Rainbow Support Group Guidebook Contact Pauline and Oscar here Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want. Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    32 min
  2. 245 - Plan First, Date Better

    Jun 2

    245 - Plan First, Date Better

    Resources for this episode How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile Guide Tell me what you want in a dating playbook. The Five Stage Dating Success Framework is designed to guide people with disabilities through the process of finding meaningful relationships. Stage 1 covers foundation work and self-discovery. Stage 2 builds confidence and resilience, including the ability to handle rejection. Stage 4 is active dating, and Stage 5 focuses on navigating relationships. But Stage 3 — the strategic planning phase — is the essential bridge between inner work and real-world action. The core idea is simple: if you plan ahead, you can be more present. When logistics are handled before the date, your energy is freed up to actually connect with someone rather than worrying about accessibility, communication, or safety in the moment. Platform Research and Accessibility Evaluation The first step is deciding how you're going to date — online, in person, or a combination — and then researching your options thoroughly. If you're using dating apps, assess how accessible and easy to use they are. Look beyond functionality too: does the community culture reflect inclusion and a welcome of diversity? If you're meeting people in person through groups, events, or regular activities, ask the same questions about those spaces. Developing a Disclosure Strategy One of the most complex parts of dating with a disability is knowing when and how to disclose. Kathy recommends a three-tiered approach. The first tier is what you share in your profile or early messages. The second is how you communicate your access and support needs before meeting someone in person. The third is how you navigate deeper, more personal conversations about your disability once a relationship begins to develop. Having this strategy mapped out in advance removes a huge source of anxiety and lets you move through early dating with more confidence. Safety Planning with Disability Considerations Safety planning goes beyond the standard advice of meeting in public places. For people with disabilities, there are additional layers to consider — backup communication methods if your primary one fails, whether a personal care attendant may need to be present or nearby, and having trusted people who know where you are and who you're meeting. Building this protocol before you start dating means it becomes a natural part of your routine rather than a stressful afterthought. Budget and Financial Planning Dating costs money, and for people managing fixed or limited incomes, that's a real barrier. This skill is about getting creative and realistic. Look at what you can genuinely afford to spend on dates each month, then research free or low-cost accessible options in your area — parks, free community events, coffee shops — that still offer a comfortable and safe environment. Budgeting also means accounting for any disability-related costs, such as transportation or accommodation needs, that others might not factor in. Accessible Venue Research Building a personal database of accessible venues in your area is one of the most practical things you can do before you start dating. Knowing in advance which restaurants, parks, and venues work for your needs means you're never scrambling on the fly or feeling anxious about an unfamiliar environment. The more options you have, the more flexibility and confidence you bring into every date. Authentic Profile Creation Your dating profile is often the first impression you make, and it should genuinely reflect who you are. This includes thoughtfully integrating your disability into your profile if you choose to. The goal isn't to lead with your diagnosis, but to present an honest, complete picture of yourself that attracts people who are truly compatible. Kathy notes this is one of the areas she's written about most extensively, and she links a dedicated guide in her show notes. Milestones That Signal You're Ready for Stage 4 Reaching Stage 4 — active dating — isn't about perfection. The stages in this framework are fluid, not rigid. But there are clear indicators you're ready: you've selected platforms that feel accessible and culturally comfortable, you have a clear disclosure strategy across all three tiers, a safety protocol is in place, you've set a realistic dating budget, you have a working list of accessible venues, and you've created a profile that honestly represents who you are. Action Items to Begin Right Now Start by researching your dating platforms or in-person opportunities and evaluating them for accessibility and community culture. Then draft your disclosure strategy using the three-tier model. Map out what your safety protocol will look like, including any disability-specific needs. Set a monthly dating budget and begin identifying free or low-cost accessible venues in your area. Each of these steps can be taken independently and built on over time — and completing them means that when you do start dating, you're showing up prepared, grounded, and ready to connect. Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want. Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    30 min
  3. 244 - Decide When You Need an Answer

    May 26

    244 - Decide When You Need an Answer

    This is a strategy that can apply to nearly everything in life, not just dating. But of course, we’re going to talk about it as it relates to dating. When you’re overwhelmed and maybe unsure what the answer is to a dilemma, many times you don’t need to wait, search, or find an answer. Often you just need to make a decision. Miserable Maybes Have you ever heard of the “miserable maybes”? It’s when you’re stuck in the loop of waiting for the right possibility to drop. The problem is there are various possibilities and you begin thinking, “Well, maybe if this happens, I will…” Then a short time later, you think of another possibility and you say, “No, maybe I should do…” You’re in the miserable maybes of possibilities and it doesn’t feel good.  It feels different from having possibilities you can consciously choose from, say having two people who want to date you and picking the one you like better. Miserable maybes happen when you’re not choosing any option and waiting to see what happens but agonizing over it in the meantime. Make. A. Decision. How This Looks You’ll feel much better. So how does this look in the dating world?  You can make decisions like this: Pick 1-3 dating sites to try for the next three months and actually use them consistently to see if they are the right platform for you. You begin seeing someone but you’re not really sure you like them in that way. Decide you’re going to give it 60 days of really getting to know them and then you’ll decide. You feel like you’re just not meeting people and you don’t want to do online dating. Decide in the next week three new venues, communities, or regular activities you’re going to begin participating in on a consistent basis as a way of meeting new people. Decision = Action Deciding puts us into action, which is a really good place to be when we’re dating. Making a decision also forces us to have boundaries about a situation and stop living in waiting for a magic solution. Even if you decide and it turns out to be the wrong decision, you probably learn something that will help you in the future. So, my friend, what is one thing in your personal dating journey that would help you to make a decision on? Often counselors like myself tell our clients the answer is within them and that’s because it is. It just needs you to make a decision for it to appear. Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want. Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    14 min
  4. 243 - One - or Many - No's Doesn't Mean Anything About You

    May 19

    243 - One - or Many - No's Doesn't Mean Anything About You

    Getting back into dating after time away — especially when navigating life with a disability — takes genuine courage. You made yourself vulnerable, put yourself out there, and someone said no. That moment can feel enormous, like a verdict on your worth or your lovability. But here's the truth: one person declining a coffee date or not even replying is simply one data point. It is not a pattern, not a prediction, and absolutely not a reflection of your value as a person or a partner. It's Rarely About You Think about all the reasons someone might decline that have nothing to do with you — healing from a breakup, overwhelmed at work, a family situation, or simply not in a headspace for dating. Different life timelines, communication styles, or geography can all make someone unavailable, and none of that is a commentary on who you are. Rejection is almost always far more about the other person's circumstances than your worth. The Story You Tell Yourself Resilience is built exactly here — in the moment after a "no," when you decide what story you tell yourself. Learning to ask "What's actually true here?" rather than "What does this mean about me?" is a skill that gets stronger with practice. One "no" is just one chapter of one sentence in a much longer story that hasn't been written yet. Download this guide to help with your thoughts on rejection. You Did the Hard Thing There's something worth acknowledging in the fact that you asked at all. Many people never get that far — anxiety and fear keep them frozen before they even try. You didn't freeze. Every time you extend an invitation and survive the answer, you prove to yourself that you can handle dating's uncertainty. That proof builds the durable confidence that comes from showing up repeatedly, not the fragile kind that only holds when people say yes. A No Redirects You Not every person will be the right match — that's true for everyone, with or without a disability. Two people can both be wonderful and still simply not be right for each other. A "no" — or even many — redirects you toward someone who actually is a match. Protecting your energy for people who genuinely want to show up for you isn't settling; it's knowing your worth. Get Back Out There So feel the sting — that's human. But then come back to this: one person said no. One. The world of people who haven't answered yet is still wide open. Your worth is not up for a vote, and it certainly isn't determined by a single response to a coffee invitation. Get back out there — not because it will always be easy, but because you are worth the effort of trying again. Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want. Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    36 min
  5. 242 - Mind Your Dating Thoughts

    May 12

    242 - Mind Your Dating Thoughts

    Register here for the TODAY's free workshop, The Real Work of Dating with Disability: What No One Else Is Teaching. I'll be reviewing how to use a skill set approach to dating with a disability. The workshop will be geared toward  professionals but anyone is welcome to join. Dating and Mental Health May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and few things stir up our emotional world quite like dating. Rejection, vulnerability, self-doubt — dating touches some of our deepest places. But here's what can genuinely change how you experience it: your thoughts. Download this guide to help with your thoughts on dating. It's not the bad dates, the unanswered texts, or the awkward silences that make you feel bad. It's what you think about those moments. And when that really sinks in, it's a game changer — because it means you have far more control over how you feel than you might realize. Thoughts vs. Beliefs It helps to understand the difference between thoughts and beliefs. Thoughts are like the weather — always moving, easy to redirect once you notice them. Beliefs are more like the climate — deeply rooted and harder to shift. Because thoughts are so flexible, they're the perfect starting point for real change, right now, today. Your Inner Dialogue Shapes Your Reality Here's something worth sitting with: everything you've ever created in your life started as a thought first. Before the relationship, the date, even that first message — there was a thought. The quality of your inner dialogue matters more than you think. The Framework: How Thoughts Become Results A simple framework makes this concrete: Circumstance → Thought → Feeling → Action → Result. Something happens, you form an opinion about it, that creates a feeling, which drives your actions, which produce a result. The circumstance is neutral. Your thought sets everything in motion. Unintentional vs. Intentional Thinking Take someone who's single and has a disability. If their automatic thought is "nobody will want me," they feel defeated, pull back, and stay stuck. The circumstance didn't create that — the thought did. Flip the script: same person, same circumstance, but they choose the thought "I have so much to offer." Suddenly they feel confident, show up differently, and dating starts to feel full of possibility. Nothing outside changed. Just the thought. Choose Your Thought, Change Your Result One last trick: reverse engineer the process. Start with the result you want, then ask what thought would need to be true to get there. And whenever you catch yourself spiraling, pause and ask: "Is this thought actually getting me the feeling and result I want?" If the answer is no — that's your invitation to choose again. Download this guide to help with your thoughts on dating.

    36 min
  6. 241 - The SwagAbility of Love: Stephen and Julie

    May 5

    241 - The SwagAbility of Love: Stephen and Julie

    Register here for the upcoming free workshop on May 12, The Real Work of Dating with Disability: What No One Else Is Teaching. I'll be reviewing how to use a skill set approach to dating with a disability. The workshop will be geared toward  professionals but anyone is welcome to join. Steve and Julie Wagstaff are the married founders of SwagAbility, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people navigate life after sudden, life-altering circumstances — primarily health-related. Steve became a C5 quadriplegic at 19 after diving into a river and striking a sandbar. Julie, who had a crush on Steve before his accident (while he was dating her best friend), began dating him afterward, and the two married after a three-year relationship. They have been married 26 years. What Is SwagAbility? SwagAbility — a blend of "Steven Wagstaff" and Steve's old nickname "Swag" — was born during a seven-month hospital stay when Steve confronted his own mortality and asked what lasting legacy he could leave. The mission: walk alongside people whose lives were suddenly turned upside down, showing them that thriving is still possible. They run three podcasts — Interrupted by Adversity, The SwagAbility Show (covering health, assistive technology, and caregiver burnout), and Spiritually Starved, a daily Bible-based show. Love, Vulnerability & Disability Steve initially wrote off romance entirely, seeing himself as no longer the strong, athletic man he once was. A phone call from a friend revealed that Julie's visits weren't out of pity — she genuinely liked him. That revelation shifted everything. Over three years of dating, Steve learned that manhood wasn't about physical ability but about what he carried in his heart and mind. Julie never saw the wheelchair as an obstacle; she saw the person. Myths They Want to Dispel The couple pushes back hard against common assumptions: that people in wheelchairs can't speak for themselves, that disability equals inability, and that partners of disabled people deserve a "hero" label. Their core message — disability doesn't mean inability — extends to intimacy, joy, and purpose. They emphasize creativity, humor, and radical honesty as the foundations of their relationship. Advice for the Newly Injured Steve urges people to reject the lie that they are now broken or inferior. Julie adds: don't hide, stay visible, and remember you were born with innate worth and the capacity to love and be loved. Both stress the critical importance of a strong support system — and invite anyone struggling to reach SwagAbility at info@swagability.com or 506-375-4418. The Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum is now available at the introductory price of $97 (you save $78). Get it here. Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

    52 min
  7. 240 - What Our Parents Taught Us About Love

    Apr 28

    240 - What Our Parents Taught Us About Love

    Register here for the upcoming free workshop on May 12, The Real Work of Dating with Disability: What No One Else Is Teaching. I'll be reviewing how to use a skill set approach to dating with a disability. The workshop will be geared toward  professionals but anyone is welcome to join. Today will be more of a personal episode as the day this podcast publishes, is my parents' 75th wedding anniversary. Now they have both been gone for several years and I'm sure they're having a heavenly celebration. But the milestone of 75 years has given me pause to reflect on how we desire or certainly not desire certain relationships based on what we see in our parents' relationship. A Love That Lasted 65 Years My parents were married 65 years when my father died. That is such an unfathomable amount of time for most of us to be committed to just one person. Yet when my dad passed, my mother in her grieving process said to me, "I just wanted more time with him." Can you imagine? In reality, though, my parents had a genuinely happy marriage and just really liked being with the other. I remember growing up having a friend comment that my parents did everything together. Except dad was an avid hunter and mom drew the line there. 😉 Why I'm So Passionate About Relationships I'm sharing all this because sometimes when I'm deep in creating resources to help people with dating and relationships or doing another live video on why relationships matter for people with disabilities or preparing a talk on it, I pause and think, is my passion about people finding love abnormal? Seriously I wonder at times. Then I remember most people who can completely nerd out on their work have these moments of doubt and it's totally normal. How Our Parents Shape What We Want I think for better or worse, our parents' relationship influences a great deal of our desire for our own intimate relationships. Maybe if your parents had a bad relationship, you learned what you don't want from your primary relationship. Maybe your parents' relationship caused you to be very hesitant to commit to one person. If you're someone like me who grew up with a model of a loving relationship between my parents, maybe the respect, nurturing, and friendship you witnessed planted the seed of desire for a similar kind of loving intimacy in your life. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about it. Ask yourself, whether it's with the intention to not replicate what you saw in your parents' relationship but attract the goodness and healthy qualities you saw and felt into your own life. That, my friend, I believe is your heart calling you to what you know you deserve. If you're someone who definitely doesn't want what your parents had in their relationship, honor it. That's telling you something vital that you need to listen to as well, that you want better for yourself. Check out my instagram to see a photo of my parents in 1951 on their wedding day. Coming Up Next Week Thank you for letting me share a more personal message with you today. I hope it resonated. Next week on the show we're going to have one of my favorite topics. I'm interviewing a couple who have been married 26 years and we'll talk about love, commitment, and disability.

    36 min
  8. 239 - The Courage to Connect with Emily Beecher

    Apr 21

    239 - The Courage to Connect with Emily Beecher

    Emily Beecher is a 50-year-old single mom and certified coach who specializes in working with neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with autism and ADHD. She was diagnosed with ADHD at 44 after her daughter received her diagnosis. With a 25-year career in media and arts, Emily discovered her passion for developing people and transitioned into coaching. Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) RSD is a common challenge in ADHD that causes intense emotional reactions to perceived rejection. While neurotypical people might quickly move past an awkward moment, someone with RSD may ruminate on it for years. Emily's key advice: ask yourself if someone is truly rejecting you or simply stating a preference. More importantly, evaluate whether you're actually interested in them—don't let RSD override your own feelings. Disclosure and Dating Authenticity Emily recommends a flexible approach to disclosing disabilities. You can change your strategy with each person and date based on comfort and safety. She typically mentions her ADHD casually on first dates to gauge reactions early. However, she emphasizes trusting your instincts—if you feel unsafe disclosing, don't. When people minimize or dismiss your diagnosis, they're showing you who they are. The "Too Much" Revelation Emily had a breakthrough realization: she was the source of her amazing first dates, not her dates. She brought the fun, playful energy. This insight helped her stop making herself smaller and instead seek partners who could match her energy level. The key indicator? How you feel after the date—energized or drained. Building Attractiveness from Within Feeling attractive starts with self-compassion and self-care. Emily emphasizes finding what makes you feel good—whether clothing, music, or hobbies—and prioritizing those things. Attractiveness isn't about being attractive to others; it's about feeling attractive yourself. Getting Back into Dating For those scared to start dating, Emily advises: acknowledge your fear, skip the apps if they feel overwhelming, and tell your friends you're ready. Friends know you well and can make introductions. Approach dating as an experiment—gather data, stay curious, and remember nothing has to be forever. Consider alternatives like speed dating, hobby groups, museum events, or themed meetups where you can be authentic while doing something you enjoy. Connect with Emily The Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum is now available at the introductory price of $97 (you save $78). Get it here. Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

    46 min
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We offer strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. We talk about how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

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