Rachel L. Virk has been in practice since 1989 litigating, negotiating, collaborating, and mediating divorce cases throughout Northern Virginia. She is Certified as a Mediator by the Virginia Supreme Court at the Circuit Court Family level, and is a trained collaborative law practitioner and author of Four Ways of Divorce. Whether sitting down to work it out, or standing up to fight it out, she provides information to help shape and control your new future, and to control the costs in her book, provides a concise guide to what you need to know about divorce using Litigation, Negotiation, Collaboration and Mediation. Virk explains: “You may need to journey down the warpath to stand up for what you must. Or if you and your X2B don’t hate each other just because you are getting a divorce, you may work together to custom design your new, separate lives, or your new two-home family. This book tells you in detail exactly what you need know to make informed decisions, describes how you can write up your decisions in a legally binding document, or what will happen if you go to court. The back of the book contains a chart for the easy comparison of the litigation, negotiation, collaboration and mediation processes, along with many helpful financial worksheets. You will also find an explanation of the Informative Mediation Process, and an extremely useful General List of Topics to be Resolved.” Don’t miss our podcast interview, which will be featured in the book project: Why Divorce: 5 Reasons to Leave. About Rachel Virk: President of Rachel L. Virk, P.C., she is a member of several local, state, national and international professional associations addressing divorce dispute resolution, as listed in detail on her website www.virk-law.com. Virk has made presentations to attorneys, to mediators, to mental health professionals, and to the general public on the subject of divorce and family law. Her writings, articles and commentary have appeared in various state and national publications. Her various publications are listed on her website. With offices in Fairfax County, Virginia, for 10 years, and in Loudoun County, Virginia, for five years, before opening her own practice in 2005. Rachel L. Virk, P.C. is located in Sterling, Virginia. Education: Virk obtained a Bachelor of Science degree with majors in marine science and biology and a minor in chemistry from the University of Miami, Florida in 1982; a Masters of Science degree in biology from the University of Miami, Florida in 1985; and her law degree from the George Mason University School of Law in 1989. Additional credentials for Rachel Virk: Recognized as a “Top 10 Family Law Attorney for Virginia” by the Attorney and Practice Magazine for 2018 Voted #1 Attorney in for Loudoun County in the 2017 Loudoun Now Annual Loudoun Favorites Poll Recognized as a “Ten Best Attorney for Client Satisfaction” by the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys for 2015, 2016, and 2017 Recognized as a “Top Lawyers in Virginia” by The Legal Network for 2016 Recognized as a “Top 10 Family Law Attorney for Virginia” by the American Jurist Institute for 2016 The Law Firm of Rachel L. Virk, PC has been recognized as a “Ten Best Law Firm” by the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys for 2018 Scroll down to read chapter 1 of “The Four Ways of Divorce: Litigation, Negotiation, Collaboration, Mediation.” By Rachel L. Vick, Attorney at Law Chapter One: I’M HEADING FOR A DIVORCE– WHAT SHOULD I DO, WHERE DO I START? You want out. You no longer love or need your spouse. The kids are older, and you are now earning a living wage. You are tired of your spouse’s drinking, untreated mental instability, abusiveness or emotional problems manifested in part by destructive spending habits or other addictions. Or your spouse has informed you that he or she wants a divorce, or no longer loves you. You find the cell phone records, emails, credit card receipts, hotel records or cards to your spouse from his or her paramour. You decide that if your spouse is unable to make you feel loved, fulfilled and happy, there may be someone else out there who can. You don’t want to feel empty and sad all the time anymore. You finally found your soul mate, and it is not your spouse. Now what? IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTS OUT … Be fair. Be honest. Come clean. Accept the consequences of your decision allof the consequences. Stop trying to have one foot in each of two doors. Either stay put, or walk through the other door. Deal with it. Some amount of “yes, no, maybe, I don’t know” is to be expected, but at some point you must make a decision to either leave or to stay. You may want to end the marriage, but don’t really want to hurt your spouse. You may believe that you are somehow hurting your spouse less by breaking it to him or her gradually over time. So you may think it better to talk of “wanting to separate” because you “need some space,” instead of using the “D” for “Divorce” word. However, if you tell your spouse that you are thinking of divorce, and don’t clearly and definitely say that you want a D-I-V-0-R-C-E, you are in effect telling your spouse that there is a one in a million chance you could reconcile. If you tell your spouse, who doesn’t want the marriage to end, that there is a one in a million chance that the marriage won’t end, what do you think your spouse is hearing? He or she is hearing you say, “There is a … chance the marriage won’t end.” People enthusiastically buy lottery tickets with lower chances of winning than that. You will have to face the fact that you WILL hurt your spouse by saying that you want out, and you must then clearly tell him or her that the marriage is over. If you instead tell your spouse that you don’t want a divorce, but that you only “need some time to sort things out,” you are quite possibly being selfish and unfair to your spouse. You will paralyze your spouse, holding him or her back from accepting the end of the marriage, and from making his or her own plan for the future. You may believe your spouse would be so angry if you say you truly want a D-I-V-0-R-C-E, that he or she would make your life even more difficult, or would hurt the children just to hurt you. Some angry people feel justified in trying to hurt back the people who cause them pain. Anger is not created in a vacuum. Some choose, either consciously or subconsciously, not to feel pain, fear, shame or frustration. They will instead mask those feelings, and then turn them into anger. Many angry people are angry because they have been hurt, and still carry around unresolved pain inflicted upon them in the past, or in childhood, which pain was never faced or addressed. If your spouse is an angry person, and you will be causing him or her even more pain by leaving the marriage, prolonging the process may just prolong the conflict. So get it over with. If your spouse is not a danger to you, you may create pain to your spouse (and therefore anger directed at you) for a shorter period of time, by being honest early on about wanting to end the marriage. If, however, your spouse is a violent person, you will need a plan, and will need help in letting your spouse know the marriage is over, in order to stay safe. Perhaps you want out, but only if everything can work out for you. You may want to know the light is still on for you at home with your spouse if you lose your job, or if the new love interest doesn’t marry you after all. If you have a financially comfortable married life, and are afraid you won’t have a fallback if you are divorced and then lose your job, welcome to the real world. There are no guarantees in life. Again, it isn’t fair to everyone to make them put their lives on hold and to be hurt by you, while you see if you can make a go of it on your own. Either stay or leave. IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BEING LEFT… You will probably journey back and forth through the following stages as part of the normal process: STAGE 1 – DENIAL / AVOIDANCE If I bury my head in the sand, the problem will go away. I’m used to this. It’ll blow over like it always does. I have no options anyway, and can’t afford to leave. This is just my lot in life. My happiness isn’t meant to be. My family would disapprove of a divorce. There is a social stigma to divorce. My family’s honor is at stake both here and in our home country. If I get a divorce, everyone will say that I could not make my marriage work. If I get a divorce I am a failure. Divorce is against my religious beliefs. My suffering is my cross to bear. My spouse doesn’t really mean it, and would never actually leave me. My spouse will change. I will change. It’s springtime now, and I’m feeling better. It’s not always that bad. Maybe things will improve. I’ll stay a bit longer for the sake of the children. I don’t want to ruin the holidays. My spouse would never cheat on me. It’ll all work out. I’ll keep pretending nothing’s wrong until I convince myself that I’m not dying just a little more every day. Then, once you can no longer look reality right in the face and continue to deny it, you will move to… STAGE 2 – BARGAINING Maybe we can both find happiness, if only … If only the drinking would stop, or if my spouse would get on or stay on his or her medication. If we could just go to counseling together, or to AA, we could work out all of our problems. If we could get the finances under control, things would be better. If only we could move away from the paramour, or if there were a job change, our worries would end. If only we had more time together, and my spouse paid more attention to me and to the kids, we’d all be happier. Or if a better or higher paying job would come along. Or if the in-laws would stop interfering. All of our problems could be fixed if only … if only …
