I Woke Up This Gay

Stuart Merrill
  • 5.0 (7)
  • History
  • Updated Weekly

A podcast by Stuart Merrill: LGBTQ+ rights activist, lobbyist, historian, and survivor. I Woke Up This Gay is a firsthand journey through LGBTQ+ history—the history they never taught you—and the stories of heroes they want you to forget. These are stories from someone who knew, loved, and witnessed many of them change the world. The journey begins with "Russia Doesn't Have Gay Heroes," the story of Kostya, Stuart's boyfriend, a hero of the 1991 revolution that brought down Soviet communism. Two days after that victory, he was assasinated by the new government he help establish—a victim of a society unwilling to accept a gay hero. Born into a prominent Mormon family, Stuart Merrill survived anti-gay violence, came out during the height of the AIDS epidemic, worked for U.S. intelligence agencies in the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, was the first American in history allowed to keep his top secret security clearance after coming out as gay, lived and worked openly as a gay man in six countries, and later became an LGBTQ+ rights advocate and lobbyist.. Through personal stories, interviews, history, and hard-won lessons, Stuart explores the people, events, victories, and tragedies that shaped modern queer life. From the AIDS crisis and the fight for equality to surviving religious extremism, political activism, and the collapse of the Soviet Union, these are stories of resilience, courage, loss, and hope. As anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric and legislation rise once again, preserving our history has never been more important. The best way to fight hatred is to tell our stories. My name is Stuart Merrill. And I Woke Up This Gay. #IWokeUpThisGay #IWokeUpThisGayPodcast #LGBTQPodcast #GayPodcast #PodcastLife #PodcastCommunity #PodcastRecommendations #IndependentPodcast #StorytellingPodcast #HistoryPodcast #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #GayRights #Pride #QueerVoices #QueerHistory #GayHistory #LGBTQHistory #QueerCommunity #RainbowCommunity #Pride365 #LoveIsLove #EqualityForAll #QueerStories #OutAndProud #LGBTQActivism #GayRightsActivist #HumanRights #CivilRights #Equality #Advocacy #SocialJustice #GrassrootsActivism #PoliticalAdvocacy #ChangeMakers #HiddenHistory #ForgottenHistory #LivingHistory #HistoryMatters #OralHistory #PersonalHistory #HistoryLovers #HistoricalStories #HistoryBuff #WitnessToHistory #GlobalLGBTQ #InternationalLGBTQ #AroundTheWorld #GlobalEquality #WorldHistory #CrossCultural #GlobalVoices #InternationalStories #USAHistory #CanadianHistory #AustralianHistory #SouthAfricaHistory #RussianHistory #SovietHistory #USSR #ColdWarHistory #PostSoviet #RussianLGBTQ #Memoir #MemoirWriting #PersonalJourney #LifeStory #TrueStories #ComingOutStory #LivedExperience #PersonalNarrative #LifeLessons #Storyteller #QueerElders #QueerArchives #LGBTQElders #QueerLegacy #PrideHistory #GayLiberation #StonewallGeneration #QueerResistance #LGBTQRightsHistory #HiddenQueerHistory #IWUTG #ThreeCandlesMemoir #QueerOrphans #QueerAcrossBorders #GlobalGayHistory #WitnessToPride #HistoryThroughPride #LivingQueerHistory #StoriesThatSurvived #Transgender #TransRights #TransLivesMatter #TransVisibility #TransVoices #TransCommunity #TransPride #TransHistory #TransJoy #TransAndProud #ProtectTransKids #TransEquality #TransLiberation #EqualRights #LGBTQRights #StandWithTransPeople #GenderJustice #TransAdvocacy #JusticeForTransPeople #TransAwareness #TransRepresentation #VisibilityMatters #RepresentationMatters #SeeTransPeople #TransStories #ListenToTransVoices #AuthenticSelf #BeYourself #LiveAuthentically #Nonbinary #NonBinaryPride #GenderDiverse #GenderNonconforming #GenderExpansive #Enby #BeyondTheBinary #GenderFreedom #GenderIdentity #NonbinaryVoices #ForgottenVoices #TransTrailblazers #KnowOurHistory #LGBTQCommunity #ChosenFamily #CommunitySupport #StrongerTogether #InclusiveFuture #UnityInDiversity #PrideMonth #Pride2026 #LGBTQVoices #CommunityAndPride #GayUSAHistory #QueerUSAHistory #LGBTQUSAHistory #GayCanadianHistory #QueerCanadianHistory #LGBTQCanadianHist

  1. 46. Queer Orphans

    May 30

    46. Queer Orphans

    Generations of LGBTQ+ people grew up searching for the elders who never came. In this powerful Pride episode, Stuart Merrill and Adaline Reid explore the legacy of AIDS, queer isolation, and the healing power of chosen family.

    15 min

  2. May 16

    Open Letter to the Oregon Safer Workers Coalition, (OSWC).

    This is not a regular episode. It is an open letter to the Oregon Safer Workers Coalition, (OSWC).  The OSWC is facing a moral and financial crisis very similar to one Gay Rights organizations faced over 30 years ago. At that time it was essential for the survival of our movement that we faced our own bigotry. The current OSWC Board is an exclusionary and segregated world of confirmation bias and bigotry. The ideal board consists of a diverse range of people and ideas. Diversity is a superpower, not something to be avoided out of bitterness, ignorance and fear. It is simply not possible to run an organization like the OSWC with the stated goal of addressing bigotry if the OSWC Board consists of bigots. The OSWC is the problem they claim they are trying to correct. Link to OSWC strategy paper: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yl98L4xUQZkeZd0kPayRp2v_QfHRXuTqeDBXmbnGOmE/edit?usp=drivesdk

    27 min
  3. 45. HIV+ Attitude

    Mar 27

    45. HIV+ Attitude

    During those nightmare years at the beginning of the AIDS crisis, I started to notice a pattern. It wasn’t a pattern of sickness or death—it was a pattern of survival, even of quality of life. Every person I knew with AIDS who somehow lived two, three, sometimes five years longer than expected had one thing in common: their attitude. Their approach to life—and to living with AIDS— was relentlessly positive. At times it seemed irrational, even illogical, but it was undeniably real. In this episode, I share how I first learned, then lost, and ultimately relearned a positive approach to my health. After 25 years of severe HIV-related illness, I have my life back—and I owe it all to a positive attitude. OSWC Community Care Backpack fundraiser: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1upkCZK8VW0tPykQJ3CW6O?si=vxm5FXNNR8OF_0DpzBCM-Q&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A49MR9Y0b7qTSbP9tEzmhIW

    29 min
  4. 44. The AIDS Guy, Part Two

    Feb 27

    44. The AIDS Guy, Part Two

    In this episode I recall how the members of the LGBTQ+ community tried to prevent me from saving the lives of gay men with AIDS, how we finally got federal legislation to pay for HIV medication as well as how and why i finally left Utah for good.

    53 min
  5. 43. The AIDS Guy, Part One

    Jan 31

    43. The AIDS Guy, Part One

    This is a very humorous story of how I strongarmed the Utah State Legislature into paying for HIV/AIDS medication during the intensely homophobic Bush years.   Even though all my friends in the Democratic minority made it clear to me that I had a snowball's chance of hell of succeeding. I wasn't so sure my goals were quite that unattainable. I had one very powerful tool most democratic politicians in Utah did not possess, NEPOTISM!

    32 min
  6. 42. That Crazy Foreign Woman

    Jan 16

    42. That Crazy Foreign Woman

    When the Mormons in Utah saw the way my Russian Mother was raising me they rolled their eyes and called her "That Crazy Foreign Woman." Mum was always the smartest, best educated, best looking and by far the best dressed person in every room. She looked like Ava Gardener with curly black hair and stunning blue eyes. Women hated her and men were terrified of her. Everyone from our cousin the governor on down knew her well enough to admire and fear her. For a woman in misogynistic Mormondom, in the 1950s, 60s and 70s, my mum accomplished some truly amazing things. She taught me life wasn't about conformity. It was about discovering who you are and learning to love the person you are meant to be, no matter how eccentric, different or even gay. As an adult, armed with the lessons my mum taught me, I found that quirky, somewhat eccentric individual I am and a world where people appreciated me for who I am. Though to be perfectly honest, during my childhood I often wondered if this mythical world really existed.

    53 min

  7. Jan 3

    41. Three Candles, Part Three

    Most westerners think the end of Communism was the end of the story, but it wasn't, not for me, not for the Russians I loved and I left behind.

    43 min

  8. 12/20/2025

    40. Three Candles, Part Two

    This episode is about the perils and pleasures of being gay in the Soviet Union and post communist Russia, the necessity of dealing with the KGB, particularly as a gay man, and the day to day realities of survival in the violent chaos that was Russia at that time.

    44 min
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Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
7 Ratings

About

A podcast by Stuart Merrill: LGBTQ+ rights activist, lobbyist, historian, and survivor. I Woke Up This Gay is a firsthand journey through LGBTQ+ history—the history they never taught you—and the stories of heroes they want you to forget. These are stories from someone who knew, loved, and witnessed many of them change the world. The journey begins with "Russia Doesn't Have Gay Heroes," the story of Kostya, Stuart's boyfriend, a hero of the 1991 revolution that brought down Soviet communism. Two days after that victory, he was assasinated by the new government he help establish—a victim of a society unwilling to accept a gay hero. Born into a prominent Mormon family, Stuart Merrill survived anti-gay violence, came out during the height of the AIDS epidemic, worked for U.S. intelligence agencies in the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, was the first American in history allowed to keep his top secret security clearance after coming out as gay, lived and worked openly as a gay man in six countries, and later became an LGBTQ+ rights advocate and lobbyist.. Through personal stories, interviews, history, and hard-won lessons, Stuart explores the people, events, victories, and tragedies that shaped modern queer life. From the AIDS crisis and the fight for equality to surviving religious extremism, political activism, and the collapse of the Soviet Union, these are stories of resilience, courage, loss, and hope. As anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric and legislation rise once again, preserving our history has never been more important. The best way to fight hatred is to tell our stories. My name is Stuart Merrill. And I Woke Up This Gay. #IWokeUpThisGay #IWokeUpThisGayPodcast #LGBTQPodcast #GayPodcast #PodcastLife #PodcastCommunity #PodcastRecommendations #IndependentPodcast #StorytellingPodcast #HistoryPodcast #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #GayRights #Pride #QueerVoices #QueerHistory #GayHistory #LGBTQHistory #QueerCommunity #RainbowCommunity #Pride365 #LoveIsLove #EqualityForAll #QueerStories #OutAndProud #LGBTQActivism #GayRightsActivist #HumanRights #CivilRights #Equality #Advocacy #SocialJustice #GrassrootsActivism #PoliticalAdvocacy #ChangeMakers #HiddenHistory #ForgottenHistory #LivingHistory #HistoryMatters #OralHistory #PersonalHistory #HistoryLovers #HistoricalStories #HistoryBuff #WitnessToHistory #GlobalLGBTQ #InternationalLGBTQ #AroundTheWorld #GlobalEquality #WorldHistory #CrossCultural #GlobalVoices #InternationalStories #USAHistory #CanadianHistory #AustralianHistory #SouthAfricaHistory #RussianHistory #SovietHistory #USSR #ColdWarHistory #PostSoviet #RussianLGBTQ #Memoir #MemoirWriting #PersonalJourney #LifeStory #TrueStories #ComingOutStory #LivedExperience #PersonalNarrative #LifeLessons #Storyteller #QueerElders #QueerArchives #LGBTQElders #QueerLegacy #PrideHistory #GayLiberation #StonewallGeneration #QueerResistance #LGBTQRightsHistory #HiddenQueerHistory #IWUTG #ThreeCandlesMemoir #QueerOrphans #QueerAcrossBorders #GlobalGayHistory #WitnessToPride #HistoryThroughPride #LivingQueerHistory #StoriesThatSurvived #Transgender #TransRights #TransLivesMatter #TransVisibility #TransVoices #TransCommunity #TransPride #TransHistory #TransJoy #TransAndProud #ProtectTransKids #TransEquality #TransLiberation #EqualRights #LGBTQRights #StandWithTransPeople #GenderJustice #TransAdvocacy #JusticeForTransPeople #TransAwareness #TransRepresentation #VisibilityMatters #RepresentationMatters #SeeTransPeople #TransStories #ListenToTransVoices #AuthenticSelf #BeYourself #LiveAuthentically #Nonbinary #NonBinaryPride #GenderDiverse #GenderNonconforming #GenderExpansive #Enby #BeyondTheBinary #GenderFreedom #GenderIdentity #NonbinaryVoices #ForgottenVoices #TransTrailblazers #KnowOurHistory #LGBTQCommunity #ChosenFamily #CommunitySupport #StrongerTogether #InclusiveFuture #UnityInDiversity #PrideMonth #Pride2026 #LGBTQVoices #CommunityAndPride #GayUSAHistory #QueerUSAHistory #LGBTQUSAHistory #GayCanadianHistory #QueerCanadianHistory #LGBTQCanadianHist

Information

  • Creator
    Stuart Merrill
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2026
  • Episodes
    50
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    I Woke Up This Gay