Expectations can quietly destroy us. They can ruin relationships, fuel resentment, trigger childhood wounds, and keep us trapped in cycles of abandonment, trauma, and emotional pain. In this episode, I want to talk about expectations, especially for those of us who grew up with childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, emotional trauma, or complex PTSD. Many of us learned very early that our needs wouldn’t be met. Some of those wounds began before we could even speak. When a baby cries, they expect comfort. They expect safety. But for many of us, those expectations were broken long before we understood why we felt unsafe in the world. For years, I expected people to heal me. I expected doctors to fix me. Back in 2008, after being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was heavily medicated with medications that nearly destroyed my life. Years later, a psychiatrist finally told me the truth: “You don’t have bipolar disorder. You have Complex PTSD.” That moment changed everything. Suddenly I understood that so much of my suffering came not from who I was — but from what had happened to me. And expectations were at the center of all of it. I realized I spent most of my life expecting love from people who were incapable of giving it. Expecting validation from people who never saw me clearly. Expecting family members to become emotionally healthy when they had no desire to heal themselves. That realization hurt. But it also freed me. This year, during my birthday trip, I started seeing expectations differently. I went away alone like I usually do — something I began years ago because birthdays carried too much pain and disappointment at home. I expected to spend my time taking photographs, staying isolated, controlling my environment so I wouldn’t get hurt. But life interrupted my plans in unexpected ways. I ended up at a poetry reading in Palm Springs that completely shattered my assumptions. I walked in expecting pretentious performances and emotional distance. Instead, I heard raw humanity. One man told a story about his grandmother dying while insisting someone leave the television on so she could make sure the Yankees lost. It was funny, heartbreaking, deeply human — and completely unexpected. That night forced me to realize something important: Every artist had their own voice, their own rhythm, their own imperfections. And I realized how much of my own life I had spent comparing myself to others — photographers, artists, friends, even strangers online. Trauma teaches us to shrink ourselves. To believe we’re only valuable if we become what someone else wants us to be. But healing begins when we stop trying to imitate other people and start allowing ourselves to exist authentically. I also realized how expectations had shaped my relationships. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who emotionally neglected me left wounds I carried into adulthood. When you grow up feeling unwanted, you unconsciously recreate those dynamics later in life. You chase people who withhold love because some part of you still hopes you can finally earn it. We create silent contracts in our minds that nobody else agreed to. We expect people to love us the way we love them. We expect loyalty, honesty, effort, emotional maturity — even from people who have never demonstrated they’re capable of those things. One of the most healing moments of my life happened recently through something I never expected. My youngest son reached out to me after years of distance. At first I was guarded. Trauma teaches you to brace for betrayal. But he kept showing up. He told me he finally understood what I had been carrying while raising multiple children, navigating mental illness in the family, chaos, hospitals, conflict, and survival. He told me he saw now what I had gone through. I cannot explain how healing that was. Not because it erased the pain — but because it reminded me that life still has room for unexpected grace. Healing isn’t about becoming fearless. It’s about loosening your grip on expectations. It’s about learning that your self-worth cannot depend on whether other people finally choose to see your value. The truth is, many of us were taught to live inside emotional boxes built by other people’s cruelty, neglect, criticism, or abuse. But we don’t have to stay there. You are not broken because someone failed to love you correctly. You are not unworthy because someone projected their poison onto you. And you do not need to keep shrinking yourself trying to earn love from emotionally unavailable people. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is release the expectation… and finally choose ourselves. Healing is possible. You are valuable. Life is not over because someone failed to see your worth. FB https://www.facebook.com/DiggingThroughDominoes/ IG https://www.instagram.com/diggingthroughdominoes/ TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@falcongirl.gsd #podcast #expectations #trauma #healing
