This episode of the I Witness podcast spotlights a compelling story that navigates the often murky waters of mental health and faith. We feature an open-hearted conversation with Christy Boulware, who courageously shares her battle with severe panic attacks, fear, and anxiety. From feeling like she was dying to nearly losing hope, her journey is an intense one, full of desperate moments. However, amidst the tumult, Christy discovered a lifeline in an unexpected place. This interview will explore her transformative journey from the depths of despair to a place of hope and healing. Whether you’re grappling with similar issues or seeking insights into mental health from a faith-based perspective, Christy’s candid discussion offers relatable experiences, wisdom, and a testament to the healing power of faith. Listen to the interview with Christy here: Kelly: Welcome to the I Witness Podcast. I’m your host, Kelly Jo Wilson, and this is the show for women who struggle to accept their worth but want to embrace their gifts and share their witness for Jesus. We have a great show today about overcoming fear and anxiety when you feel powerless. Our guest is my friend Christy Boulware. Christy is an author, speaker, and podcaster, but first, a passionate follower of Christ. She’s also the wife of a hunky man named Troy and a mom of three beautiful children. With a deep desire to free women and teens from the chains of fear and anxiety, Christy founded and currently leads the not-for-profit Fearless Unite. Through conferences, workshops, retreats, bible studies, and devotionals, Christy speaks and rights about drastically decreasing the alarming statistics of anxiety in our world. Welcome to The I Witness Podcast, Christy. I’m so happy you’re here. Interview with Christy Boulware about her panic and anxiety disorder Christy: Kelly, thank you for having me. We have an important conversation to tackle today, don’t we? Kelly: Yes, absolutely. I love your mission and what you’re doing. I love that you’re reaching out to women and teens about this pressing issue. Fear and anxiety have been rampant, especially in the past three years since the pandemic. There’s a heightened awareness, which as a nurse, I can say that I actually appreciate. I feel like there was such a stigma in the past of anybody struggling and having these different thoughts. I appreciate the awareness nowadays, but I still feel like it can be so much more robust. That’s why I adore what you’re doing. Why don’t you tell the listeners about your journey, background, and journey with Jesus through your panic and anxiety disorder? What did your journey look like? A surprising wake-up call Christy: I grew up a Catholic and like to tell people I was a C E O Christian, which is Christmas, Easter only. That was my journey, and I’m sure somebody is listening on the other side, saying yes, I grew up that way too. God was important to me, but I didn’t need him. I didn’t rely on him. It wasn’t a surrender in any way, shape, or form. So really, because I like to say that I was superwoman, I was kicking butt, taking names, climbing the corporate career ladder, doing great for myself, and had always just gone after success and accolades and titles. Throughout high school and then my college career, I was moved into traveling to New York City to try to make it big on Broadway. I was always chasing after something that left me with nothing, truly. It wasn’t until I was about 25, in 2011, that I had my first panic attack on the sunny beaches of Cancun. I was just sipping on a fruity drink, and at that time, I was not committed to following Jesus at all. I was reading a gossip magazine, and out of nowhere, I just had this shortness of breath and impending doom. I had to get up and walk, and I didn’t know it, but I experienced my first panic attack. Mental illness doesn’t look the same for everyone I was a corporate sales director, medical sales, and workaholic. My job was everything to me. When I landed back in my hometown after a nice vacation and opened my email, I missed 200 emails. I freaked out. How am I going to get all this work done? Then the weirdest thing happened. I started getting black dots in my eyes and paralysis on the right side of my body. I call it paralysis, but it was like tingling. It was almost like weird tingling feelings. Have you ever stomped your brakes when somebody cut you off, and then suddenly you feel a jolt of adrenaline go through you? It’s a tingly pins and needles feeling. That’s the feeling that I had in my body. You want to shake it off and question what is going on. Panic and anxiety took over, and it got worse It just got worse. When I got home, I started having mini panic attacks. I didn’t know what they were, but I couldn’t sit still. My chest felt extremely tight. I was having GI issues, and this went on for several days. It got to the point where I had paralysis on the right side of my body. So, it was no longer the tingling. It was no movement. I couldn’t feel it. I called my primary care physician in the middle of the night, and he says, “Christy, I think you’re having a stroke. You need to go to the emergency room. Right now.” At that point, Kelly, any peace or anything is completely gone when a doctor tells you you’re having a stroke. So, of course, my husband rushes me there, and they do the whole nine yards. They admit me to the hospital and do an MRI, cardiac screening, and all the tests you can possibly do. A day later, the doctor says, “Hey, Christy, you’re okay. Everything checked out just completely fine.” You wish they would say something different at that moment because you feel like you’re dying. “I felt like I was dying” I literally felt like I was dying. There was no way I was okay … to the point where I wanted to punch him in the face. I’m like, “There’s no way. Check the test again. This can’t be possible. I feel like I’m dying.” He looked at me and said, “Christy, you’ve got panic and anxiety, and that’s what’s going on right now. I’m going to write you a prescription for Xanax,” but sent me home. I had to follow up with my primary care physician. It snowballed completely out of control afterward, to the point where I had back-to-back panic attacks, and my body had a nervous breakdown. That’s the beginning of my journey of learning how to figure out fear, panic, and anxiety and overcome it. Kelly: It’s so funny that you said that you wished he would’ve said something different because, in reality, the last thing you want is for the doctor to say you’re having a stroke. But there is a certain comfort when he gives you the answer. It’s almost a tangible thing, right? You know how you’re feeling. I mean, for days you experienced this. So for the doctor to say here’s a prescription for one medication and send you home … it turns your world upside down. Feeling hopeless without answers Is that how you felt? Like, what are you going to do now? You had to figure it out now, right? Christy: Yes, and that’s why I’m so passionate about this work because I felt hopeless when the doctor just looked at me. God love him. He was doing the best he could. He was doing what he was told to do. They don’t have time to sit down with you and go, “Hey. How are you really feeling, and do you know your thoughts matter?” They don’t have time to counsel you, teach you, and educate you on what fear, panic, and anxiety is, what it does to your body, and what the medication will do to help you. They don’t, so they give you these things, and you walk out of there thinking, “Wait a minute. What’s next? What do I do now?” The worst of the panic and anxiety was yet to come That was truly the journey. The hell I experienced after I went home from the hospital was worse than when I first went. The panic attacks kept coming and coming, and I know now that my body was stuck in flight or flight. Because of the fight or flight, I had back-to-back panic attacks. But I didn’t know why that was happening to me. I’m the kind of person that wants you to tell me why, and then I’ll understand. Teach me what this medicine is going to do to my body. But until you teach me, I won’t trust you, and I won’t take it. Another part of my journey was learning what antidepressants do and why they are helpful. In my darkest moments, I had back-to-back panic attacks, hadn’t slept in weeks, and had hair falling out of my head. I was losing weight rapidly. I had suicidal thoughts, Kelly. I didn’t think I was going to make it out of that. The darkness was overwhelming The darkness was so bad. The kingdom of darkness whispered to me, “You’re never going to get out of this. This is going to be your life forever. Why don’t you just use those guns?” My husband kept hunting guns in the corner of our bedroom, and they weren’t loaded. Still, it was just this visual representation of what could happen if I went ahead and just did it because, honestly, the hell that I was going through the torment. I mean, I don’t wish panic and anxiety on anyone. It is straight from the pits of hell. It’s so debilitating, awful, and so scary that I couldn’t catch my breath. I would have one, I would have a minute, and then another one would come. I liken it to like a marathon. It was like I would run a marathon, be done, and then another one would happen. It sounds dramatic, but anybody listening on the other side who has been through a panic attack is saying, “I know what you mean. I know what that means.” Imagine having a hundred of them back-to-back for three weeks straight. It was awful. The torment was almost worse than death Kelly: It sounds, it sounds awful. So for three weeks, you were having this. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Chris
