In this episode of Widowed AF, Rosie speaks with Reshma Kearney, a US-based mum of three, trauma-informed yoga teacher and grief advocate, whose husband Sean died by suicide in September 2022. Sean was an orthopaedic surgeon, a lieutenant colonel in the US Army, a dad, husband, outdoorsman and high achiever. He had also lived for years with periods of depression, anxiety, anger and increased alcohol use. But when he died, Reshma wasn’t expecting it. There was no obvious final downward spiral. No neat collection of warning signs. Sean had recently left the military, started a new job and moved with his family to the Seattle area to begin the “forever” life they had spent years working towards. He had plans. He had a fishing trip booked. And then, on Friday 30 September 2022, he died by suicide. Reshma talks candidly about the shock of his death and the extraordinary moment she had to tell their three children, then aged 10, eight and seven, that their dad had died. With the help of a volunteer police chaplain, she made the decision to tell them the truth from the very beginning. She shares the simple but powerful way she explained depression to them, describing a mind in which illness had taken away the brightness and filled it with darkness, and why she believes honest, age-appropriate conversations about suicide can help children feel safer, rather than more frightened. Rosie and Reshma also talk about something much harder to say: what if a suicide simply wasn’t preventable at the point at which it happened? Reshma explains why the language of Suicide Prevention Month can be painful for those left behind, particularly when it seems to place responsibility on families to recognise the right signs, say the right thing or somehow save the person they love. Because sometimes people do ask. Sometimes families do see someone struggling. Sometimes they desperately try to get them help. And sometimes the person still dies. They discuss the barriers that can prevent people, particularly men in high-stakes professions and military environments, from seeking mental-health support. Sean feared that therapy, medication or admitting he was struggling could appear on his record, affect his career or make him look weak. Reshma also speaks about the judgement that still surrounds suicide, the cruel comments she receives online, why she sometimes deliberately leaves them visible, and the uncomfortable reality that stigma is still very much alive. There’s also an honest conversation about parenting after traumatic bereavement, watching three children grieve in three completely different ways, and the hypervigilance that can come with knowing that your children have already experienced something you desperately wish you could have protected them from. And ultimately, there is acceptance. As Reshma beautifully puts it: “Acceptance does not mean the same thing as preference.” She can accept that Sean died. She can accept that he died by suicide. That does not mean she wanted this life. Instead, she is choosing to honour the 17 years they shared, the three children they created and the man he was, while speaking openly about the reality of his death. A quick production note: due to a technical hiccup at our end, we sadly lost the video recording of this conversation. The audio survived, thankfully, and this was far too important a conversation not to share. So this week, Widowed AF is going slightly old school: podcast for your ears rather than your eyes. This is a conversation about suicide, but it is also about honesty, stigma, motherhood, mental health, grief and what happens when we stop looking for someone to blame. As Reshma says at the end of the episode: Hold grace. For yourself, and for other people. We never really know what somebody else is carrying. Content note: This episode contains detailed discussion of suicide, suicidal thoughts, mental illness and bereavement. Please listen with care and seek appropriate support if you need it.
