Master Your Marriage

Sharla and Robert Snow
  • 5.0 (143)
  • Relationships
  • Weekly

The average couple waits 6 years to get help in their marriage. That's 6 years of pain, hurt, frustration and lost opportunity. This podcast is designed to help you NOT become a part of that statistic. Hosted by Dr. Robert and Sharla Snow — themselves married for 31 years — The Master Your Marriage show is here with straight-talking guidance on how to fill your marriage with fun, friendship and love, without it ever feeling like "hard work." No matter how long you've been struggling with your marriage, or how long it's been since you've felt that "spark," we promise you, there is hope! Your MASTERFUL marriage starts here.

  1. 4d ago

    Stop Coaching Your Spouse When They're Upset

    Has your spouse ever come to you hurt, and instead of hearing them out, you corrected how they said it? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Once you start learning relationship tools, you start noticing every time your spouse isn't using them. And then it's so tempting to point it out. "That's a complaint, not a request." "You're being defensive." "Can you just give me one example?" You might even be right. But to someone who's already hurting, it sounds like you're grading their delivery, and that starts a whole new fight. This week we share a Sunday morning that started with a surprise breakfast from our daughter and ended with Sharla coaching Robert from the shower, bubbles still in her hair. It involves a cat, three upholstered dining chairs, and a good rule used at exactly the wrong moment. Then we walk through three simple steps for when your spouse is upset and it's coming out messy. In this episode: How one cat and three upholstered chairs started the whole thingWhy "just use a different chair" landed as a brush-offWhat happened when Sharla coached Robert from the showerRight rule, wrong role: when good communication advice becomes a correctionWhy learning the tools can make you see every mistake your spouse makesThe customer service window from episode 180, and the "toaster" Sharla almost handed backGottman's research on repair attempts, and why the same words can repair or correctThree steps: take off your coaching hat, own your part, ask them to help you understandWhen (and how) to talk about their delivery later, as a page from your operating manual A place to start this week: The next time your spouse comes to you upset and it's coming out sideways, skip the coaching and try Robert's line: "I can tell you're upset. Can you help me understand?" We're building a new program for couples and we'd love to hear from you before we finish it. If you can handle almost anything life throws at you but home is the place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation with us (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Ep 182: How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-what-you-want-without-starting-a-fight Ep 132: The Science of Repair in Relationships https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-science-of-repair-in-relationships Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.comThe Gottman Institute on repair attempts: https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com

  2. Oct 21

    How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight)

    Do you know exactly what bugs you about your spouse, but freeze up when it comes to saying what you actually want instead? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Last week we talked about why so many of us don't ask for what we want. This week is the how. Most of us were taught to wait for our spouse to figure it out, then complain when they don't. It doesn't work, and it turns little irritants into little fights. We own up to a movie night in our basement that went sideways over woodworking videos, and share the little throat clear Robert uses in the bedroom doorway when he needs some love. Then we walk you through a simple four-part way to ask that's warm, quick and much easier for your spouse to say yes to. In this episode: Why waiting for your spouse to "just know," then complaining, almost never worksHow "Are you seriously on your phone right now?" turned a cozy movie night into a little fightThe request hiding inside every complaint, and how to find itWhy you're the expert on you, but not on your spouseHanding over your "operating instructions" (and why most spouses never get a manual)What a throat clear in the bedroom doorway has to do with feeling lovedThe full ask: appreciation, a specific ask, "as a favor to me," and "how can I help?"Movie night, take two: what changed when Sharla asked instead of complainedWhen the full ask fits, and when a bigger hurt needs a different conversation A place to start this week: Think of the complaint you've made a hundred times. Flip it into a request, then try the full ask, just once. We're building a new program for couples, and we'd love to hear from you first. If home is the one place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 181: But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/but-he-should-already-know-failing-the-test-you-didnt-know-you-were-taking Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com

  3. Oct 14

    But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking

    Do you wait for your spouse to figure out what you need, and then feel hurt when they don't? Or do you tell yourself it's not worth asking anyway? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. This week we start a new thread we're calling Loving Power: how to be strong and loving at the same time. Last week was about hearing a complaint without getting defensive. This one is the other side. Why is it so hard to just ask for what you want? We both tell on ourselves. Sharla gave Robert a secret test for two days after a 15-hour travel day home from the Caribbean. Robert spent almost a week feeling rejected and went out to the shop instead of saying "I miss you." We walk through the beliefs underneath that kept us quiet, and a simple tool for talking back to them. In this episode: Why being "low maintenance" can slowly drain the passion out of a marriageWhat BYU research says disconnection does to your body (it's a lot)Belief #1: "It's selfish to ask," and why asking is actually taking care of your marriageBelief #2: "I shouldn't have to tell him," and the 48-hour secret test Sharla gave RobertBelief #3: "I don't want to rock the boat," and why keeping the peace isn't as safe as it feelsThe bonus one for the guys: Superman, and Robert's own "nobody cares" storyWhy a busy week can feel like rejection, and which part of you is really talkingA four-step tool: notice it, name it, answer it, ask A place to start this week: Catch yourself giving one secret test. That moment when you're waiting for your spouse to figure it out, or telling yourself "never mind, it's not worth it." Notice it, name it, talk back to it, and ask anyway. Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 180: Relational Maturity: How to Hear a Complaint Without Getting Defensive https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Ep 155: The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-hidden-cost-of-keeping-the-peace-in-marriage Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.comJulianne Holt-Lunstad's research on social connection (BYU): https://news.byu.edu/byu-expert-on-social-isolation-tapped-to-lead-u-s-surgeon-general-advisory-advise-world-health-organizationU.S. Surgeon General's advisory on loneliness and isolation (2023): https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdfCarol Gilligan, In a Different Voice Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com

  4. Oct 9

    Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset

    Do you get defensive the second your spouse says they're upset with you? Most of us do. We start correcting the facts, or we go straight to "poor me," and five minutes later nobody's talking about the original problem anymore. We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. In this episode we talk about what Terry Real calls relational maturity, and his surprisingly simple test for it: “what do you do when your spouse is unhappy with you?” We tell on ourselves with the story of a porch swing Robert built, a creak that scared Sharla, and a lecture on snow loads that cost us the swing. Then we walk through four moves you can make the next time a complaint comes your way, and why owning more than you're asked to own is what calms your spouse down. In this episode Why the first five seconds after "that bothered me" tell you so muchThe adaptive child, the wise adult, and where we each learned to handle complaintsPia Mellody's three ways we dodge responsibility (Sharla admits to using all of them in one sentence)Why defensiveness is really a way of keeping shame outThe porch swing story, and the snow loads lectureWhy a complaint is a one-way street, and Terry Real's customer service windowThe four moves: listen and reflect, acknowledge, own the pattern, give and let goWhy saying "it's not the first time I've done this" can calm a fight down A place to start this week The next time your spouse is unhappy with you, ask yourself which part of you is about to answer. Then try one move: "Here's what I heard. Did I get that right?" Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes Ep 169: Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem, and How to Fix It https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/defensiveness-is-a-self-esteem-problem-and-how-to-fix-itEp 98: Repair, Part 4 (we process a regrettable incident live) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/real-repair-what-happens-after-a-big-fightEp 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/when-is-it-okay-not-to-forgive-and-when-its-not Resources mentioned Terry Real and Relational Life TherapyTerry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving RelationshipPia Mellody, Facing CodependenceThe Gottman Institute (processing a regrettable incident): https://www.gottman.com Find us https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com

  5. Oct 1

    How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently

    How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently - It is easy to look at someone else’s business, family, house, or marriage and decide ours is not enough. The longer we stay in that comparison, the blinder we get to the good that is already ours. In this episode we talk about cherishing as the practice that brings us back. We look at what cherishing actually means, why it is harder to name seven things we value than seven things we want changed, and the habits that work against us: entitlement, comparison, and the hedonic treadmill. We also walk through the Gottman fondness and admiration questions, and we talk about why cherishing asks for vulnerability, humility, and a different relationship to the differences that once drew us together. Cherishing will not fix contempt or a destructive pattern. It can help a long-term relationship feel like a place that gives life, instead of a life we are only managing. In this episode Why comparison takes our attention away from our own lifeWhat it actually takes to have a cherishing relationship, and why capable is not the same as willingWhy most of us can list grievances faster than we can list what we cherishEntitlement as a survival habit that costs us in marriageThe hedonic treadmill, and what it does not meanA story about what becomes visible only after a lossThe Gottman fondness and admiration self-check, and how to read the scoreVulnerability, resentment, and humilityWhy you do not have to wait for your spouse to go first A place to start this week Name one specific good thing before the day gets away from you, and say it out loud. Find us masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com

  6. Sep 24

    Why the Spark Fades in Marriage, and How to Wake It Back Up

    How Lifelong Lovers Keep Wanting Each Other Last week we kept talking about the work of stopping damage. That work matters. If contempt, unbridled expression, or defensiveness are running the house, you do not need a new date-night idea first. You need to stop the bleeding. This episode is about what comes after that. Couples can get better at conflict. They can learn to repair. They can stop doing so much damage. And they can still look at each other and feel quiet. Not hateful. Just flat. “We finally learned how to fight better. Why doesn’t it feel more alive?” John Gottman has been saying a version of this for decades. Even the best therapy in the world will never work if it only focuses on conflict. Stopping the damage is the first step. It is not the same thing as building a friendship or a cherishing marriage. Once the negativity has a little less room, there is a space where it used to live. You have to decide what you want to fill that space with. Friendship. Fondness. Play. Shared meaning. Touch. Adventure. One of the things that can fill it is novelty. Not novelty as a gimmick. Novelty as a way of keeping the wanting system awake in a long-term committed relationship. In this conversation we talk about: Why the first year or two can feel electric, and why that intensity often cools around year two, moving in, or kidsHelen Fisher’s three systems: lust, attraction (dopamine), and attachmentWhy early love can feel almost obsessive, and why the brain cannot stay in that state foreverHabituation: the brain spends less dopamine on what it already knows wellWhat that does not mean (you did not necessarily marry the wrong person, and passion is not required to die)Arthur Aron’s research on self-expansion and doing new things togetherWhy a familiar person in an unfamiliar place can wake wanting back upThree practices: shared novelty, intentional space that includes a return, and keep becoming / stay curiousThe honest catch: novelty takes energy, and exhausted couples often misread the quiet as “we grew apart” This week’s experiment Sit down together, even for ten minutes. Where has our life become so efficient that we stopped being interesting to each other?What is one unfamiliar thing we could do together before this season turns? Write it down. Put it on the calendar. Do not turn it into another exhausting project. Go be slightly bad at something new, together. Love, the cherishing kind, is not the absence of familiarity. It is familiarity that still surprises you, again and again. Mentioned Helen Fisher, research on romantic love and the brain Donatella Marazziti, research on serotonin patterns in early love Arthur Aron, Stony Brook University, self-expansion and shared novel activities John Gottman, friendship and conflict James Clear, Atomic Habits (the stonecutter) Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we would love to hear about it. Send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help putting practices like this into your actual life, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.

  7. Sep 16

    Why Your Marriage Collapses Under Pressure

    Get the workbook that accompanies this series Last week we talked about borrowing a self. How many of us build a pseudo-self out of attention and approval — reassurance from a partner, praise from a boss, a degree, a title. Those boosters attach our worth to things we do not control. When the attention is stripped away, we don’t really know who we are. That is a recipe for more anxiety and more reactivity. A solid self is built on beliefs, values, and principles you have defined for yourself. Not the ones you inherited and never questioned. That is this episode. Principles. The handful of things you would still conduct yourself by if nobody clapped, if your partner didn’t agree, and if the tension in the room got really thick. That’s when we find out who we are and what we will stand for. In this conversation we talk about: The pile of “shoulds” we bring into marriage, and how the pseudo-self absorbs them to keep the peaceWhy true belief is not rebelling and not conforming — it is your own reasoningThe difference between a value and a principleWhy feelings are information, but they don’t get to driveHow a family code becomes “personality,” and then collides with someone else’s codeWhat an I-position sounds like — sentences about your functioning, not a diagnosis of themWhy the system may spike in anxiety when you stop borrowing, and why that is not proof you chose wrong A value can live in your head. A principle has to show up in how you treat the person across from you. You do not have a principle until you can argue for it — to yourself. If you cannot hold it unless someone is nodding, it is still a booster. Fulfillment and comfort are not the same thing. Living a borrowed life can look successful and still feel empty. Living a principled life can feel tense at first. It is a life you respect. This week’s assignment One value. Your own thinking. Pick one value that really matters in this marriage.Write two or three principles under it. Sentences that start with I.Argue for them. Why this? What does it protect? What does it cost? When would you still keep it?Do the borrowed test. Whose voice is this?Live one sentence for seven days. Stay in contact. When anxiety comes, stop, breathe, ask what the real story is. If you want the longer version, we made a downloadable workbook that walks the three-episode stack and gives you space to write your relationship principles. $5 on our Stan Store. Don’t wait on it to start. This episode is enough to begin. When an anxious person starts to think for herself or himself, the entire relationship system becomes a lot less reactive. Mentioned Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down Murray Bowen, family systems theory Workbook [LINK]: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/when-disagreement-feels-like-a-threat Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.

  8. Sep 10

    Why You Manage Their Mood Instead of Your Own

    Last week we talked about anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. How we make our partner the threat. How reactivity is the anxiety. This week is the question underneath that: why does their disagreement knock the floor out from under you? A lot of us don’t actually know who we are unless someone is reflecting it back. Praise. A title. Being busy. A spouse who validates us. A room that doesn’t push back. Those things feel like a self. They’re boosters. They work for a minute. Then they wear off, and we need the next one. That’s borrowing a self. And a borrowed self experiences “I don’t see it that way” as a threat. So of course we manage their mood. Of course we please, campaign, or reach for distance. We’re trying to get the floor back. In this episode we talk about: Why you can look so capable at work and come undone at homeHow boosters and borrowed selves make difference feel dangerousWhat differentiation actually means in a marriageWhy cutting people out soothes anxiety, until you run out of peopleSmall ways to start using your own mind again You can see a hard thing differently than your partner sees it and still stay in the room. Not because you agree. Because you each have enough self to let the other person have a self too. This week’s practice Notice: When do I use my achievements to prop up my sense of self, or even just my mood?When have I focused more on getting love or praise than on developing my own beliefs, principles, or interests?How might I take a little more responsibility for my sense of self this week? And in the moment: stop. Breathe. Ask how the best version of you would want to respond. Try your own thinking before you ask someone to tell you, fix it, or approve it. Mentioned Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.

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About

The average couple waits 6 years to get help in their marriage. That's 6 years of pain, hurt, frustration and lost opportunity. This podcast is designed to help you NOT become a part of that statistic. Hosted by Dr. Robert and Sharla Snow — themselves married for 31 years — The Master Your Marriage show is here with straight-talking guidance on how to fill your marriage with fun, friendship and love, without it ever feeling like "hard work." No matter how long you've been struggling with your marriage, or how long it's been since you've felt that "spark," we promise you, there is hope! Your MASTERFUL marriage starts here.

Information

  • Creator
    Sharla and Robert Snow
  • Years Active
    2023 - 2026
  • Episodes
    184
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2026 Sharla and Robert Snow
  • Show Website
    Master Your Marriage

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