Episode 9: Ted: How Soon is Too Soon to Tell someone How You Feel? Segment 1: Why This Question Hits So Hard So I know I’ve been in those feelings before and had to consider how to handle it.Have you? Timing is everything in love... and also completely out of our control. We live in a culture of swipe fatigue and dating app burnout, where emotional intimacy is often delayed, feared, or even ghosted. So when you do catch feelings early—especially if you are who’s emotionally mature, maybe even a bit relationship weary—it can feel like a risk to say so. Having feelings for someone early on is not the problem. It’s what you do with those feelings—and when—that makes all the difference Segment 2: What the Research Says Research in relationship psychology has shown us that the early stages of dating are a cocktail of brain chemistry and attachment triggers. In fact, a study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people tend to idealize new romantic partners during the first 3 to 5 dates, due to something called the “halo effect.” This means we often project what we hope someone is, rather than who they actually are. In another study by Two other neurochemicals that appear at higher concentrations when a person is in love are oxytocin and vasopressin. Based on findings from animal research, Prof. Zeki noted that both of these chemical messengers facilitate bonding and are associated with the brain’s reward system. But he also pointed out that in romantic love, a small brain area called the amygdalaTrusted Source becomes deactivated. The amygdala is the part of the brain that coordinates fear responses, helping humans stay safe in potentially dangerous situations. The fact that it becomes deactivated when a person is in love also means that fear responses are dampened. The researchers also added that the decrease in activity in another brain region — called the frontal cortex — may explain why people can be “blind” to red flags shown by a potential romantic partner as they are falling in love. What does that mean? Those strong feelings may be just as much about your hopes and unmet needs as they are about the actual person in front of you. Add to that, studies in attachment theory show that those with anxious attachment styles may feel compelled to express emotions quickly in the hopes of creating emotional security. Whereas those with avoidant styles may retreat the moment they sense someone else is “catching feelings.” So what’s “too soon” for one person might feel just right—or terrifying—to another. Attachment Styles: Anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Segment 3: A Story We All Know Too Well I can't even tell you how many examples I have of people, including myself, who felt strong feelings early on and have either wanted to express them or did. Im going to share a couple of short stories. Let me tell you about Maya— late 30s, successful in her career, independent, but struggling in love. She met someone on Hinge who seemed different—he texted regularly, made plans, and remembered little details about her day. By date three, Maya felt “something real” and told him, “I think I’m starting to like you.” His response? “Whoa. That’s fast. I’m not sure I’m there yet.” Can you guess what happened next? He pulled back, and Maya spiraled into self-doubt. And then we have John, because, as demonstrated by our caller Ted, guys struggle with this issue too. John is a guy who has a lot going for him: good-looking, somewhat successful, in touch with his emotions. He enjoys dating, but his history is that of someone who catches feelings quickly. The last 3 women he dated for various amounts of weeks or months were hot and heavy, together several days a week, with an expectation of seeing them every weekend, right after the first date. But the longest relationship he’s had in the last 3 years has only been for 4 months. He doesn’t understand why they fizzle out so fast. Result: Both feel disappointed that their love lives have left them feeling like they are the cause of the problem. They aren't, but their thinking needs to change. Segment 4: Feeling vs. Revealing Here’s the reframe I want to offer: It’s never “too soon” to have feelings. But it can be too soon to expect those feelings to be reciprocated—or to use them as a way to define the relationship. It’s okay to say, “I’m enjoying getting to know you,” or “I feel a connection and I’m curious to explore this.” That’s not the same as dropping the L-bomb or asking someone to commit on week two. Ask yourself: Am I saying this to connect, or to control?Do I want to share, or am I hoping this will push the relationship forward? Segment 5: Tips for Navigating Early Emotions Here’s what I recommend if you’re feeling the itch to tell someone how you feel: Check in with yourself first. Are these feelings rooted in real connection or in hope? Is this about them—or your fantasy of them?Observe their behavior. Are they showing up consistently, engaging emotionally, and treating you with respect? Feelings are mutual—or they’re not—but patterns don’t lie.Use emotionally safe language. Instead of “I have feelings for you,” try “I’m enjoying this and want to keep seeing where it goes.” It opens the door without putting pressure on the other person.Don’t confuse vulnerability with obligation. Sharing how you feel is brave. But it doesn’t mean the other person has to match you on your timeline. Give space for discovery. Segment 6: Call to Action Real intimacy isn’t built in declarations. It’s built in shared experience, mutual respect, and time. If this conversation resonated with you, I want to hear from you. Head over to Instagram instagram.com/DrColleenMullen and let me know: Have you ever told someone you had feelings "too soon"? What happened? And if you’re loving Love, Unboxed, don’t forget to follow, rate, and share the podcast with someone who needs to hear this message today. Until next time, remember: You don’t have to rush into love to be worthy of it. Trust the process. Let the connection unfold. More Resources from Dr. Colleen My Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health (get it on Amazon) - This is a journal designed by Dr. Colleen. You can use it to track your emotions, highlight special moments, learn from difficult ones , let go of daily steam through daily narrative pages , and even learn to give yourself permission to take a break.Do you want to hire Dr. Colleen to help you? Please check out her work at DrColleenMullen.com. Upcoming Workshops "Date Differently" - for singles who want to break free from past relationship obstacles. "Love Them More " - for those in committed relationships who want to protect their relationship from future obstacles. SUPPORT THE SHOW! AMAZON.COM Use code LoveUnboxed-20 at checkout when you make your regular purchases on Amazon or visit Dr. Colleen's Amazon storefront. You won't pay anything extra, but Dr. Colleen will make a small commission on what you purchase.TBD: Patreon- FInd out the perks of joining the Hopeful Romantic community!Disclaimer This show exists only for educational and/or entertainment purposes. Although Dr. Mullen is a licensed therapist, in the capacity of her show-hosting duties, she is not your therapist. This show is not meant as a replacement for therapy. Dr. Colleen creates stories of people who are not meant to mimic, copy, or otherwise represent any specific person. These are characters she creates using various data points from multiple people. Any likeness to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidence. Resources for Finding a Mental Health Professional in the U.S. Therapy DenPsychology TodayMental Health MattersTherapy for Black GirlsDial 211 to be connected to a Social Services Helpline in your area that can provide you with information on mental health resources in your area.The National Suicide Prevention Helpline. or call 988 If you or someone you care about is thinking about suicide, they are there to help. Dr. Colleen's online voicemail line is powered by SpeakPipe
