Have you ever snapped at your kid, walked away feeling ashamed, and thought, “I just need to be calmer. Why can’t I just be calm?” It’s completely normal to feel that way. The message we get everywhere in the peaceful parenting world is that calm is the goal — that if you could just regulate yourself, everything would go smoother. And while there’s real truth in that, I had a conversation recently that made me stop and rethink the whole thing. I sat down with Thanna Vickerman, a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach, and what she said in the first few minutes genuinely shifted something for me. She said the goal isn’t calm. The goal is presence. I know that might sound like a small difference, but stay with me. When Thana’s son Hugo was about 13 months old, he pulled a toilet paper roll off the wall and she heard herself say his name in a tone she’d never used before. And in that split second, she heard her own mother’s voice come out of her mouth. That was the moment she knew she wanted to do this differently — not just for Hugo, but for herself. That single moment sent her on a search that eventually led her to Dr. Laura Markham’s work, to becoming one of 15 coaches in Dr. Markham’s very first training program, and ultimately to the work she does now helping parents rebuild their capacity from the inside out. What I love about Thana’s perspective is how much grace she brings to the whole conversation. She’s not telling you to breathe through your anger and get back to baseline. She’s saying something much kinder than that. She’s saying your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. When you feel threatened — even in a low-stakes parenting moment that somehow doesn’t feel low-stakes at all — your brain is protecting you. That’s not a flaw. That’s how you’re wired. And the anger, the frustration, the tears, the overwhelm? Those emotions aren’t the enemy. Trying to suppress them is what gets us into trouble. The real goal is to feel safe enough inside yourself to be present with whatever you’re actually feeling — not to fast-forward past it into a performance of calm. I know it’s hard when you’re running on empty. Thanna talks so honestly about this — the parents who are living on fumes, not enough sleep, not enough support, managing everything at once. She says, when something bumps into you, what’s gonna come out is whatever you’ve been filled with. And if you’ve been filled with exhaustion and stress and worry, that’s what spills onto your kids. Not because you’re broken. Because you’re human and you need more support than you’re getting. She also said something that I’m still thinking about. She talked about how most of us weren’t allowed to have big feelings growing up. We didn’t get to practice sitting in discomfort. So now, when our child is uncomfortable, our nervous system reads it as an emergency — and we scramble to fix it, stop it, or make it go away. Sound familiar? That’s not a character flaw. That’s a nervous system that never learned it could survive hard feelings. The good news? That’s something you can actually change. Not by white-knuckling your way to calm, but by slowly, gently building your capacity to hold more — through somatic practices, through community, through being in relationship with people who can co-regulate with you while you learn to do it with yourself. And here’s the piece that genuinely relieved me: Thanna reminded me of Ed Tronick’s research showing that you only need to be attuned and responsive with your child about 30% of the time to build secure attachment. Thirty percent. The other 70% is where repair lives — and repair is doing its own important work. That means you don’t have to get this right most of the time. You just have to keep coming back. Thanna has a program coming up this summer that you might want to hear about. She’s co-leading it with somatic therapist Crystal Harris, and they’re calling it Summer School. It combines Crystal’s self-paced nervous system capacity program — with over 32 different somatic practices to explore — with four live sessions with Thanna covering connection, secure attachment, brain development, and playful parenting tools like roughhousing. The doors close Monday, June 8th, and it starts June 9th through the 13th. If you’ve been feeling like you can’t even get to that 30% — or you’re there and want more — this is the kind of support that actually builds capacity from the ground up. Check the link below for all the details. Because the question isn’t “why can’t I just be calm?” The question is — what do you need right now to actually take care of yourself? More support is always the answer. And this might be one beautiful step in that direction. 🎙️ Click above to listen to the full episode. To Learn More About Thanna Vickerman: https://chooseloveparenting.com/ 🌞 Summer can be one of the most joyful times of the year—but it can also bring more sibling conflict, bigger emotions, screen-time battles, boredom, and parenting challenges. That’s why I’ve gathered 15 leading parenting experts for the FREE Calm the Chaos This Summer Parenting Summit, happening June 22–26, 2026. Join us for practical, science-backed strategies to help you support big feelings, reduce power struggles, navigate ADHD and highly sensitive children, build stronger family connections, and create a calmer, more connected summer. Register free today at https://www.delightinparenting.com/calm-summer Connect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in Parenting Step #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide. Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe
